


thunder and glass

by Star_Boy_Baku



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety Attacks, Asexuality Spectrum, Awkward Romance, Childhood Trauma, Claustrophobia, Confessions, Consensual Underage Sex, Consent, Crushes, Depression, Drama & Romance, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Manipulation, Enemies to Lovers, Established Relationship, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Firsts, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Healing, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Angst, Therapy, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:02:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 34
Words: 111,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27991206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star_Boy_Baku/pseuds/Star_Boy_Baku
Summary: Suga wants to be so much more than just number two. Oikawa, of all people, seems to have the perfect medicine for that. Leaving the path of morality and drawn to Oikawa's ambiguous nature, Suga stumbles into a sea of glass with no way of going back.Asahi rejoined the club to play volleyball again, however, the real reason is Nishinoya and his captivating smile. If only he would notice how much Asahi needs a thunderstorm in his life.Kenma knows everything about Kuroo. Or so he thought. When he discovers a scandalous secret about his best friend, his whole life takes a turn for the worse. And suddenly, Nekoma has a hard time to connect.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Yaku Morisuke, Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 258
Kudos: 238





	1. Suga - a cursed movie

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, everyone!
> 
> The first chapter of this fic starts right after Asahi rejoined Karasuno and from there on goes its own way, basically. Our main POVs are Suga, Asahi and Kenma, so they will take turns each chapter. During the course of this fic, POVs might change to their counterparts (Nishinoya, Oikawa and Kuroo), or anybody else who becomes important. Please mind the tags for your own safety although I'll put them above every chapter to which they apply separately. 
> 
> As for the rating, this is currently rated Mature, however, that's gonna take quite a while, as we are taking it slow here! Awkward crushes all the way! I wrote most of this fic while listening to wistful indie music so I suggest you put on your comfiest playlist and join the boys on their journey!~
> 
> Also English is my third language so this will probably be a bit wonky but I try my best and hope you enjoy <3  
> Okay, enough of me! Let's start~  
> Star

The smell of caramel popcorn tickled his nose when he got into the cinema hall. Almost no seats were taken. Not a lot of people were eager to see a foreign movie during such a sunny afternoon, however, for Suga, it was the highlight of his week - well, apart from Asahi being back on the team of course. He was by himself. Neither Asahi nor Daichi was keen to watch _Les Misérables_ in an undubbed version but it was fine with him. Apart from most people, Suga didn't mind going to the movies alone. He didn't have to share his snacks, he didn't have to answer Asahi's constant questions about the plot or keep Daichi up with the story because their captain tended to simply fall asleep while watching movies.

Suga took his seat in the back row and put away caramel popcorn and soda carefully while some people were looking for their seats. The lights were still on yet Suga eyed his popcorn longingly. It smelled delicious but if he took a bite now, it would be gone before the commercials had even started, so he just leaned back and tried to distract himself by watching the other moviegoers.

Sugawara Kōshi had always been an observer. Every single change in his friends' behaviour was noticed, every additional step during a game recognized. This was why he had worried about Asahi so much. Lately, there had been something unnatural about him. Usually, Asahi wore his heart on his sleeve and it was easy to read him, however, since he had been away for a month he seemed to have changed. It was good to have their ace back but he also cared deeply about him. Once Asahi started brooding, it was hard to get through him and he didn't want him to spiral down like he had last year, when-

A couple, probably in their early twenties, took their seats a few away from his. They almost spilt their snacks while doing so, the girl giggling way too loud before they fell into their seats. Suga smiled at them before looking away politely. The lights got dark. Okay, now he could grab his popcorn, maybe it would even last through the commercials. Right as the movie started, he suddenly heard the couple giggle again. Of course, even in a scarcely seated movie, he would be placed next to the loudest visitors of them all. But all the whispering and giggling changed into something more intimate as soon as everyone else was busy watching. Suga felt himself blushing when he could hear a soft moan from the girl two seats away from him. He raised his popcorn to hide his face from them while peering over. He had expected them to just kiss but it looked like they were trying to eat each other's faces. On top of that, the guy let his hand slip under his girlfriend's shirt.

Okay, time to go, Suga thought, cheeks burning. This was more than uncomfortable. He latched onto his snacks. The exit was their way but not even an angry Daichi would make him go past them. Suga eyed the other side. The back row was almost empty, only another figure all by themselves was sitting there. Silently, he got up from his seat and sneaked away, scared the couple would see him and make a comment but they were way too busy with themselves. Apparently, he was the only person in the world who actually wanted to watch undubbed _Les Misérables_. Not that he had noticed anything that had happened in the movie so far.

Karasuno's third-year took a new seat in the back row, leaving one empty between himself and the other guy who was wearing a cap and big-framed glasses and was sunken so deep into his chair Suga wasn't sure if he was awake. Well, he'd prefer a sleeping stranger over strangers making out to next to him any time. The thought almost made him feel uneasy. Even though he was curious, he didn't check on the couple again. Suga touched his flushed cheek and mumbled some encouraging words to himself.

_It's okay. It was awkward but you got away, now enjoy the damn movie!_

A rough chuckle made Suga's light grey hair stand on end. The person two seats away turned towards him and lifted his cap with a quick flick of his finger. Dark brown eyes glanced at him, accompanied by a smug grin all too familiar. Suga gulped when he looked right into Oikawa Tōru's face. Just a few days ago they had faced Aoba Johsai in a practice match and even though they had won, Oikawa had made pretty clear they hadn't encountered the whole power of Seijoh yet. Suga still felt haunted by Oikawa's powerful jump-serve and he hadn't even been on the court.

"Isn't that a sweet surprise, number two?", Oikawa leaned forward and snatched some popcorn out of his bag. Suga blinked, totally startled by his boldness. When Oikawa fell back into his seat and threw the caramel popcorn up in the air to catch it with his mouth, Suga looked around in confusion. But just like him, Oikawa was all by himself. This made no sense. At their match there had been so many girls cheering for him - shouldn't he be at the movies with one of them? Surely he could ask out any girl he wanted. But neither girls nor the rest of Aoba Johsai's volleyball club was around. Suga caught another, subtle glimpse of him. If not for his smug smile, he would've mistaken him for someone else. Oikawa had hidden his fluffy brown hair beneath a cap and was wearing these huge glasses as if he wanted to obscure himself.

"Uhm", Suga realized way too late he had said something to him. And here he was, just staring at him like any other school girl. Embarrassment simmered under his cheeks. Suga sighed inwardly. _Most cursed movie visit ever._ "Nice to see you, Oikawa." Even though it was not. He had stolen his popcorn! A fact, Suga suddenly became aware of. He put his snack on the other side of his chair to keep it out of Oikawa's reach.

"Was it a bit too steamy for you back there, number two?", he was teasing him. Suga knew but he felt mortified regardless. So Oikawa had watched his ridiculous escape attempt and probably enjoyed it a lot, judging from his complacent expression. Luckily, Suga was also pretty good at covering up his emotions. He put on his sweetest smile and nodded.

"Yes, I like to focus on the movie rather than my seatmates, so, if you'll excuse me!", he turned back to the screen and grabbed his snacks once more. Oikawa let out a little huff but Suga ignored it. He wouldn't argue with Seijoh's captain, especially not in a public place like this. Although, he couldn't deny the back row of the cinema felt more private than anything else right now. The only other two people were way too busy with each other and the other remaining six visitors were remarkably quiet. So, he could enjoy the show now. Snacks, a cool drink, a nice movie, quiet - _but why had he called him number two?_ Suga wanted to kick himself for these thoughts. Even with so little words, Oikawa knew exactly how to get into people's heads. He really was insufferable.

"What do you mean by number two?"

Another soft chuckle, this time with a tone almost scheming but enticing nonetheless.

"Oh, isn't that the number on your jersey?", Oikawa's voice sounded way too innocent.

"It is", Suga nodded.

" _And so fitting!_ Since my lovely Tobio-chan joined that's what you are, right? Number two! Pushed down by the king himself, the first-year genius - ah, of course, mediocre Sugawara can't compete with that. Must be bothering you."

"Kageyama is indeed extremely talented", Suga tried to keep up his kind smile, still staring at the screen but his body was now all tensed up. In the corner of his eye, he could see Oikawa leaning forward again, lips curling into a delighted smirk. He clenched his teeth under the smile but his face already hurt. Faking smiles was nothing Suga could keep up for long.

"Hmm, he learnt most of his tricks from me, you know?"

"I know."

"I could teach you something so your coach lets you play again."

"No, thanks", Suga normally was a calm and gentle person with a well of deep patience - he was the pillar of support for the wilder teammates such as Tanaka and Nishinoya. But Oikawa? God, this idiot made his blood boil with his snarky comments and his know-it-all behaviour. He wanted to pull his bag of popcorn over his nonchalant face.

"Are you really in a position to turn down such a generous offer?", while Suga was thinking of a good comeback to this, Oikawa just went on. "I mean, it is your last year. Your last chance. And here you are, in a movie all by yourself, sulking over the fact that you will always be number two and nothing more."

"I'm not sulking", Suga hissed and even he was surprised by his aggressive tone. "I'm apparently the only person in this whole cinema who just wants to watch the damn movie, so could you shut up?"

"Ah, I hit a nerve then", Oikawa sneered and his hand found his way to Suga's popcorn again. Fuming at his audacity, Suga tried to take a calming breath as he liked to teach them to Asahi whenever he was anxious but it did not affect him at all. Instead, he pushed the bag of popcorn into Oikawa's hand and got up. "Oh no, you are leaving already?", Oikawa feigned disappointment. "Did I say something that upset you, number two? I'm so, so sorry!"

Suga's body was trembling with anger when he pushed past Oikawa who didn't bother to move his long legs out of the way. He almost stumbled over them while the snarky chuckle followed him the whole way out of the cinema. When he closed the door of the cinema hall behind him, Suga let out a frustrated growl. Why did he have to be such an asshole?! They had never even spoken before - he didn't know anything about Suga and yet...

This day was just awful. Maybe Oikawa had been right and that was why he had overreacted. Suddenly, Suga felt incredibly stupid for running out of a movie because one guy had made dumb comments. But how silly would he look if he went back in? God, he hated it. He hated how he always worried about what other people would think. That he always had to hide behind being understanding and to put on this stupid smile even though he wanted to be upset. Kageyama was extremely talented, yes. But Suga had a right to be upset about it, hadn't he? Karasuno could become such an amazing team but he already knew, he would only be cheering them on from the sidelines. He wouldn't become a starting member. Not anymore. It was time for the new talent in Karasuno, the first-years.

 _But Daichi and Asahi will get to play,_ he thought and hated himself for feeling jealous. Of course, he didn't begrudge them but it always felt so exhilarating to play with them. They were his best friends, they could trust each other and - as the match with the Neighborhood Association Team had shown - pull off some surprising moves. Suga paced up and down in front of the door to the cinema hall for a few minutes, his thoughts trailing off until someone from the staff started to eye him warily. He waved at him and mumbled an excuse. This was getting ridiculous, he thought and gave himself a final push.

When Suga stumped back to his seat, he snatched the popcorn out of the other one's hand while passing by and let himself fall into the chair right next to Oikawa. He stuffed his mouth with popcorn - the curious glance from Oikawa's brown eyes was enough to make him nervous but he tried to stare at the screen. Not that he had any clue what was going on in this movie anymore. Oikawa didn't make any more snarky remarks and after a while, Suga held out the bag to him.

"You want some?"

Oikawa was taken aback at first but then grabbed some popcorn out of the bag.

"I love going to the movies alone", he said in a low voice and finally stopped staring at Suga while munching. "You've probably wondered where my date is, huh?"

"Actually, yes", Suga admitted.

"If I bring a girl they want to do what our two lovebirds back there are doing and no way I'll miss the plot of a movie for making out. I paid money for it, after all!"

Suga snorted and almost choked on a kernel: "Are you serious?"

"Oh, come off your high horse, number two. Aren't you here by yourself as well?"

"I mean, yeah. But none of my friends would watch an undubbed movie anyway."

"Yeah, my teammates wouldn't either. They are so dumb", Oikawa shrugged. "Not that I've caught onto the plot so far, though."

"Me neither", Suga watched how Oikawa stole another hand of popcorn away. "If we stopped talking we probably would understand more, though."

Seijoh's captain shifted in his seat once more and put his elbow on Suga's armrest before resting his chin in his palm. Even though he could barely see him in the dim light from the screen, Suga was well aware of his intense stare. When he looked back at him, he tried another one of his polite smiles but it felt odd. Oikawa's sheer presence made him nervous.

"But I've so much fun bothering you, number two", Oikawa mocked him.

"I noticed", Suga's heart pulsed in his veins when the other one leaned forward a bit more until their faces were but inches apart. Warm breath brushed against his lips and sent a shiver down his spine. Suga tried to resist the urge of bending backwards.

"Are you that easy...", Oikawa whispered against his skin. "...to tease?"

Yes, there was a whole wildfire on his cheeks right now and his heart was racing its own little marathon inside his chest. Suga wanted the seat to swallow him whole, he never wanted to set foot in this cursed cinema hall again. Gathering the last bits of his composure, he leaned back so Oikawa's breath couldn't tickle the sensitive skin of his lips anymore.

"I'm not", clearly a lie. But more words wouldn't manifest in Suga's brain anymore. Another amused chuckle vibrated against his flushed cheek before Oikawa plopped back into his chair. "It's just...that you may be right."

"Of course I am."

"I really wish I'd become a starting member of the team. So I guess I have to put in some extra work."

Oikawa's eyes widened in anticipation: "And you want to ask for my generous help?"

"Honestly, everything in me wants to despise you."

"Oh, you can despise me _and_ accept my help, I don't mind at all", Oikawa grinned. "Every Great King needs some enemies - without them, it would be half the fun."

Calling himself the Great King was so on-brand for Oikawa, Suga almost rolled his eyes. He didn't like him at all. He was absolutely full of himself, a trait no one in Karasuno possessed which was why he loved his team members so much _but this guy...._

He definitely should turn down his offer. Each training session with him would be a bunch of jokes at his cost. On the other hand, extra practice with the captain of Aoba Johsai? One of the strongest teams in the whole prefecture - he'd be a fool to turn this offer down. Suga looked at his smug face - Oikawa seemed to already know his answer before he knew it himself. Another fact, which made Suga furious. But he reached for his phone anyway.

"Don't make me regret this", he whispered and held it out to Oikawa so he could put in his number. 

"Oh, of course, I will."


	2. Asahi - downpour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Asahi chases after a thunderstorm.
> 
> content notes: depression

Soft guitar music found its way out of the opened window into the street which was still covered in drops of rain while thunder rolled through the sky in the distance. The people were about to start their days and little routines, picking up the mail and getting ready for work. It was the part of the day where no one knew what it would bring and everyone had their hopes up for something great. Grey clouds clustered the sky, remains from the heavy thunderstorm that had just been raging above them, waking up most of the residents. Thunderstorms always made his heart heavy and joyous at the same time.

Asahi was sitting on his windowsill in a blank shirt and pyjama pants, fiddling with his new acoustic guitar. The smell of wet asphalt and fresh air engulfed him in another daydream while he was playing away, eyes closed. When he had taken a break from the volleyball club, he had picked up a new hobby to distract himself. He never had thought of himself as musical, however, producing soft melodies was an excellent way to cope. So it had been a welcome distraction from his anxiety and guilt which had been consuming him the past month. Ever since he had skipped training, Asahi had had trouble sleeping. There was too much to worry about and too much to hate himself for. At night, he would toss himself around and not find any rest. It might be early in the day but he had been up since 4 AM. Probably not the best way to confront his fears and neverending doubts but right now, in this little moment before the world became stressful again, he felt at peace.

No more thoughts about his failure against Date Tech. No more guilt because he lost the whole game all by himself. No more fear that Nishinoya would never forgive him.

Two days ago he had been at practice again. At first, Asahi hadn't been sure if he should enter but this new, energetic first-year, Hinata, had made it hard for him to hide. Apparently, Karasuno also had a new coach now and oh boy, he was loud and scary - in no way Asahi would've been able to tell him no. Somehow his return to the team had felt almost natural. The match they had played against the Coach's other team had been amazing. With Suga and Nishinoya on his side, cheering him on instead of blaming him for the past - Asahi felt he didn't deserve that.

He had let them all down. Even though they had laughed together two days ago, Asahi still wasn't sure if Nishinoya had forgiven him for running away. Of course, the thought of Nishinoya triggered a spark in his chest. Every time a thunderstorm flew over the town, Asahi had to think about his energetic, wild teammate. A fiery storm trapped in a boy's body, rushing through life with roaring thunder, too fast for him to catch up yet he chased him in his dreams. 

However, it was the reason why he couldn't enjoy thunderstorms quietly anymore. No, each time thunder rolled in the distance he had to imagine Nishinoya tumbling over the floor, grinning like an idiot. And this grin, it haunted him so bittersweet. He had missed him like crazy. Missed his way too-loud laughter, his bright honey-brown eyes, his childish jokes and lively nature. Nishinoya was everything Asahi wasn't and he adored him so much for it. But there was more to it than just plain admiration. Asahi had never said it out loud but all the nights he had spent awake in his bed, tossing and turning, the picture of Nishinoya had made his heart aflutter. 

"HEY! ASAHI-SAN!", caught in the act of wishful thinking about Nishinoya, Asahi almost fell out of the window when the subject of his daydreams appeared on the street and yelled at him. Karasuno's ace hurried to hide his guitar behind his back while his heart was thrashing wildly in his chest. God, he had scared him. Nishinoya was standing on the street, dressed in workout clothes and waved at him. "Get down here, you lazy ass!"

"Wh-What?", Asahi stuttered and looked down the street. Nishinoya's yelling would anger the neighbours for sure but the smaller one didn't seem to care at all. Well, of course, he didn't care, he was Nishinoya after all.

"I said get down here! You skipped a whole month of practice so it's time for punitive training!", Nishinoya was serious. He pointed at Asahi and stared him down with sparks in his brown eyes.

"P-Punitive training", Asahi echoed. "I'm not a dog!"

"Whatever! Let's run up the mountain a few times!"

"A few times?!"

"Stop repeating what I'm saying and get dressed! School starts soon and we have a few miles ahead of us!"

"A few _miles_?!"

"ASAHI-SAN!"

" _Okay_! Please, stop yelling so much, I'm coming down!", Asahi slid down from the windowsill and closed his window. Nishinoyas presence wasn't something to shut out, though. He could feel him staring daggers at him from down the street. Asahi took off his pyjamas and started to look for some fresh sportswear. His closet was always perfectly organized, however, as he put on a plain black shirt he paused for a moment. His eyes flickered over to the full-length mirror on the wall. Deep, dark circles sat right under his eyes, his hair messy from the restless night and he hadn't even brushed his teeth yet.

 _Damn you, Nishinoya_ , he could almost feel the panic rising inside him. How could he be this energetic? It wasn't even 7 AM and Asahi already felt burnt out. But he knew if he didn't hurry, Nishinoya would probably start to yell at his house again and wake even more people up. Asahi hurried into the bathroom to brush his teeth and tie up his hair. He inspected his eye-circles. Damn, he looked hungover. Asahi poked the skin under his eyes as if he could change its colour and sighed. Nothing he could do about it. Nishinoya probably wouldn't care. Somehow, the thought made him feel a bit disappointed.

About five minutes later Asahi, wearing a black shirt and shorts, shut the front door behind him. Nishinoya was still right on the street, jogging up and down in hearing distance.

 _So much energy_ , Asahi heaved another deep sigh.

"Morning", he mumbled and trotted over to him.

"Finally!", Nishinoya looked up to him. Compared to Asahi his skin looked clear. He even had styled his black hair upwards apart from the cute blonde tuft right in the middle of his forehead. Asahi caught himself staring at the fluffy hair strands a second too long. Nishinoya poked his chest. "You look like shit."

"I'm sorry", Asahi sputtered, not even sure what he was sorry for. But he was so used to constantly apologizing because he seemed to always mess up, especially with Nishinoya. Certainly, the libero was still angry with him. However, as he blurted out his apology, Nishinoya's eyes got softer. He shook his head and the cute little tuft bounced with every movement. Asahi looked the other way. Had he always been this adorable? Damn, he really was sleep-deprived, his thoughts were all over the place.

"Don't be sorry. Let's go", Nishinoya turned around and sprinted ahead. Of course, they couldn't run at a pace where they'd be able to talk. The smaller one always seemed to be on the run, always too busy to catch a breath. Asahi wished himself back to his windowsill, back to admiring the quiet after a storm. But no more rest for him. His personal thunderstorm was getting too far ahead.

He picked up speed and with his long legs it was easy to catch up to Nishinoya. The asphalt under his feet grounded him with every step and the air was still cool from the rain before. Asahi took in a deep breath and raised his chin towards the sun. He let Nishinoya run one step ahead, knowing it would make him feel better about himself if he was faster than him.

When Nishinoya needed his breath to keep running, it was beautifully quiet with him. Slowly the world awoke around them. They dodged the first early students on their way to school, people walking their dogs and a few cars along the way, as they jogged up the mountain path. Asahi let his tired eyes wander over the beautiful scenery. He loved these calm moments, nature and the chill morning breezes. Drowned in his admiration, he fell a bit behind.

"Hey! Don't get lazy!", Nishinoya yelled from the front and turned around to him, jogging up the mountain backwards. _Showoff_ , Asahi thought with a grin.

"You are so bossy", he complained, a little out of breath.

"And you are slow! This is what you get for skipping!", Nishinoya picked up the pace, his run seemed almost aggressive now. His heart sank. So he had been right. The smaller one still was angry with him - this morning jog wasn't to spend time together but to punish him for leaving them. A tight knot formed inside his throat and suddenly Asahi had trouble keeping up.

He watched Nishinoya's back. He didn't turn around once to look at him. His silhouette became smaller and smaller as their distance grew and Asahi finally stopped running and put the hands on his thighs to catch his breath. All of a sudden the scenery seemed less beautiful. The grey clouds appeared to hunt him, hanging down right above his head and reminding him he deserved no happiness. Asahi gasped for air and stared at the asphalt to his feet. How could he think his return would be without any harm?

Fast footsteps approached but he kept watching the ground. The disappointment on Nishinoya's face was something he couldn't bear right now.

"What are you doing?", his tone was impatient. It was too much.

"I'm sorry", Asahi muttered breathlessly.

"You are out of shape. That's natural, you just need to get back to your routine."

"No, I mean...I'm sorry that I left", finally, Asahi raised his head, still bent forward. Their gazes met and for a moment, Asahi could swear he saw a sad flicker in Nishinoya's dark eyes. But before he could make out anything more, the libero avoided his face.

"I'm sorry for calling you a coward", Nishinoya said after an awkward pause.

"Well, I guess that's a fitting name for someone like me", Asahi shrugged and straightened his back again. "I did run away, after all."

"You came back", Nishinoya's finger poked into his chest once more. Asahi looked down at him, sweat covered his forehead and his cheeks were slightly red from all the running. His hair was still perfectly in place, though. "That's what matters."

"Nishinoya, I-"

"Stop it", the smaller one hissed. "Stop apologizing. I'm sick of it!"

Asahi bit his lip. So this was where they were at. It felt like the street crumbled under their feet, forming a dark and insuperable chasm between them. Would their friendship ever be the same? Nishinoya was wild and stubborn - if he didn't forgive him, Asahi would understand it. Leaving without a word, causing him to be suspended because he refused to talk to him, yeah, Nishinoya had all right to be mad at him.

"I'm sick of all of this", Nishinoya turned around and kicked the air in his frustration. "I just want it to be as it used to be."

"What?"

"I want us to be friends again", the honey-brown eyes stared up at him and there it was once more, the sad flicker inside them, now covering his whole face. Asahi had never seen him sad. Angry and frustrated, yes. But never sad. Nishinoya was the heart of their team, the one who - together with Suga - always beamed of positivity. "Without you feeling guilty for what you did."

"I'm sorry", the words came out before Asahi realized he had apologized again. "I mean, I-"

"I forgive you", Nishinoya cut him off. "Does that help? I forgive you for running away."

The smaller one took a step towards him and reached for Asahi's wrist. Warm fingers wrapped around his skin, the thumb stroking over his pulse, which immediately gained speed. Such a small gesture and yet, Asahi could feel the blood rushing into his face.

"That helps. Thank you", he whispered and Nishinoya let go. It had just been a second but for Asahi the whole world had stopped - a simple touch, meaningless for the smaller one probably, but so much more for him. Damn, why _did_ it mean so much to him, though? "I missed you."

Before he could regret saying it, Nishinoya grinned.

"I missed you, too. Let's train together after school, okay? I need someone to send some nasty jump serves my way. I've heard they struggled with them against Seijoh."

Of course, this was Nishinoya's way of missing him. When he said that, he meant hanging out together, training together and analyzing their plays together. However, Asahi meant so much more. But there was no way he could tell him he had missed his smile and this stupidly cute little tuft in his face. However, back to normal was something Asahi had craved, so he nodded.

There was a brief moment they just looked at each other, the tight knot inside his chest finally coming loose, a smile pulling the corner of his lips. Then a clap of thunder roared over them and the grey clouds that had seemed to follow them up the hill released a few raindrops. One landed on Nishinoya's nose, who blinked at it before the soft drizzle turned into a whole downpour. In a few seconds, both of them were drenched to the skin.

"Shit", Nishinoya shook himself like a dog.

"Let's get back", Asahi was already running down the mountain. How poetic, a thunderstorm reappearing right the moment he had made up with Nishinoya. Or maybe he was reading too much into it, as always. He couldn't help it. The world was so much more livable when he was able to be a dreamer.

The road was slippery and during their way down they both tripped but luckily managed to catch themselves. Rejoining the team and immediately getting injured, Daichi would be furious. Through the sound of thunder and heavy rain, they made their way back to town, way slower than anticipated because they tried to be careful. Back in the valley, Asahi glimpsed at his watch.

"Oh no. We are late. I don't think we can grab new clothes at home."

"It's fine, I've some spare shirts at the clubroom!", Nishinoya yelled through the thunder and waved at him, so Asahi would follow him. Did he really want to jog straight to school? Asahi surely was a mess. No uniform, nothing. They would probably get detention. The dress code wasn't that strictly enforced, however, Asahi was pretty sure the Vice Principal would not be pleased if they showed up in totally wet clothes.

He fingered his phone out of his pants pocket, hoping it had survived the rain, and tried to text Daichi and Suga while running. Maybe one of them could lend him a uniform - there was no way he could wear Nishinoya's shirts apart from using them as a crop top.

All the texting slowed him down even more, so they arrived just a few minutes before the bell and ran straight to the clubroom. Even Nishinoya, who never seemed to run out of energy, was now wheezing and holding his side.

"Morning...jog...what...a bull...shit...idea", he panted and stumbled into the open clubroom, where Daichi and Suga were already waiting. Both of them stared at their entrance in utter disbelief.

"Where the hell have you been?", Daichi took a spare uniform out of his bag while Asahi tried to strip out of his fully drenched shirt.

"Aww, Noya-san, you look like a junior now", Suga giggled and the other third-years followed his glance. He was right, Nishinoya's hair was now flattened, little drops of rain running down his face and neck. It made him about 10cm smaller. He almost vanished in the dry spare shirt he had put on.

"I don't!", he blushed and tried to style his hair back up - without success. "Argh, fuck!"

"This is what you get for forcing me to a morning jog up the mountain", Asahi teased him.

"Right back to training, Asahi? I'm proud of you", Daichi gave him a pat on the back and smiled. It was weird that their captain always said such things without making it feel awkward. His words were genuine and even though Asahi had despised this torture up the mountain, he grinned back. The sight of a drenched Nishinoya with ruined hair was too rewarding. He looked adorable.

Daichi's gakuran was a bit too small for Asahi so it didn't fully cover his wrist and it twitched a bit around his shoulders but it was better than nothing. On top of that, the trousers were more of three-quarter-pants for Asahi.

"Well, this has to do. What do you think?"

Asahi and Nishinoya looked at the other two; Asahi's outfit not quite fitting for his height, Nishinoya looking like a drowned cat with his messy hair and slightly too big clothes.

"Perfect", Suga gave them the thumbs up.

"It looks like close to detention but not quite, so it's fine I guess", Daichi was a bit more sceptic but the bell startled them all and suddenly everyone was busy grabbing their things. When they hurried out of the clubroom and Daichi locked it behind them, Nishinoya just gave them a quick wave and darted off since they had different classes.

"What a way to start the day", Asahi sighed. He could already feel his muscles getting sore.

"Your fault for hanging out with a thunderstorm", Daichi teased him.

"Well, it was not by choice. He was under my window, screaming like a mad man to come running with him", Daichi burst into laughter, however, Suga didn't even seem to listen. He was hanging a few steps behind, staring at his phone.

"Suga! Let's go, we are missing class!"

"What? Oh yeah! See you later, Asahi", Suga waved at him, the phone still in his hand and let himself get pulled along the corridor by Daichi. Asahi watched after them and couldn't help but smile.

It was so good to be back with them.


	3. Kenma - wrong step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kenma takes a wrong step. 
> 
> content notes: consensual underage sex

He would never understand the enthusiasm some of his teammates showed when it came to volleyball. Winning an official match was different, yes. It got all their blood pumping, even he couldn't contain himself from yelling with joy when they defeated a strong opponent. But going all out during their regular practice? Being ridiculously excited because you finally were able to receive one of Tora's spikes or hit a ball that Yaku was unable to get? A waste of energy.

Of course, Kenma was thrilled whenever a teammate improved, yet you would never find him jumping up and down around aforementioned friend, ruffling through their hair and scream encouragements. No, he would stay on the sidelines, thinking of something nice to say whenever they were alone together - all the hyping up made him uncomfortable. Especially, because Nekoma tended to shower him with praise whenever he made a good play. Kenma always was flattered, however, he hadn't found out yet how to respond without feeling uneasy.

With Kuro it was different. Compliments from Kuro were answered with snarky remarks. Years of playful banter had prepared him for those situations. The other way around was still something he had to work on. At the moment, Kuro and Yaku pulled Nekoma through. Kenma had observed how much they had improved over the last weeks. The two third-years were giving it all for the upcoming tournament - sometimes they got so fired up it seemed almost bitter. And with them performing in sync on the court, it was Kenma who was their vital link.

 _Keep the blood flowing_. Kuro and Yaku, two blood cells running through Nekoma's veins and keeping the heart of the team pumping. He couldn't really pinpoint when their behaviour had changed. The way Yaku dug the ball with more determination than ever, passing over to Kenma so he didn't need to take any unnecessary steps, setting towards Kuro, who rarely missed a spike anymore, even though he usual excelled at blocking. Kenma had done the math. When a play consisted of the three of them, their success rate of pulling off a clean attack in their past practice matches had been around 85 percent.

Their training for today was done and everybody was busy cleaning up. Kenma was still brooding about the changes Nekoma was going through. He would love to discuss them with Coach Nekomata, however, he was way too socially awkward to approach him. Usually, their coach called for him when he wanted his opinion, so he should probably wait. While carrying one of the iron bars with Tora towards the equipment room, he watched Kuro and Yaku collecting balls and bantering with each other.

Every day of successful training had turned moody Yaku into a beam of positivity - almost scaring. However, Kuro was still the same. Kenma always felt this reassuring sense of calmness when he looked at him. Their captain was a pillar of support, their tower of strength, especially Kenma's. Without Kuro, he never would've joined Nekoma. The sight of his black bedhead, his caring eyes and sometimes mischievous grin made him feel at ease. No matter how tricky a situation was, with Kuro by his side even a realist like Kenma was tempted to believe in miracles.

Being widely different, Kuro and him were a unity still. Now Yaku had joined this equation. A new variable in their rhythm of play. Their libero had always been their guard in the back. But during the past weeks, he had crossed into Kenma's working space on the court. Once more he was reminded of Kuro's words. He really should try to spend more time with Yaku. Observing his teammates out of practice always made him understand them better.

For example Tora. The start of their friendship had been rough, now it seemed completely normal. Kenma maybe didn't feel as safe as he felt around Kuro - not that any person on this world could achieve this level of friendship with him anyway - but Tora was nice to have around. In small doses.

"...and I was thinking we could try it together!", just now Kenma realized Tora had been talking the whole time. The golden, cat-like eyes finally averted their gaze from Kuro and Yaku and stared back at Nekoma's ace.

"Huh?"

"The game", Tora grinned and grabbed the iron bar out of Kenma's grip so he could heave it into its retainer with a grunt. He really used every little opportunity to get some extra training in.

"What game?", Kenma blinked, completely caught off guard.

"Urgh, Kenma! Did you get anything I just told you?"

"No."

Tora rolled his eyes and punched his upper arm - a gesture that hurt because he always managed to hit that tense spot of his muscles after practice but Kenma had stopped complaining about it. Usually, whining about it simply made Tora hit the same spot once more.

"I said I got a new game for the PSP from my cousin and have been playing it all night but I'm stuck, so would you like to try it?", now this was how to peak Kenma's interest. He rapidly nodded in excitement and almost made a little jump. A new game. A new game that Tora couldn't beat and made him ask for Kenma's expertise. What was that feeling inside his chest? Pride? Glee? Either way, it felt amazing and his competitive nature was eager to get to play.

"Awesome. I'm gonna grab it real quick!", Tora gave him another punch making Kenma wince in pain before he sprinted out of the equipment room towards their lockers. Kenma shuffled through their sports hall. Most of them were packing up now but Yaku and Kuro were still deep in conversation. Hesitantly, Kenma approached them. Not because he was scared but because there were few things he despised more than chiming into a discussion. Too much attention. So he brought himself as close as possible to not come off as weird and listened.

Or at least he tried. Once he was in hearing distance, both Yaku and Kuro turned around and looked at him. For no apparent reason, Kenma felt caught.

"Uh", he made awkwardly - why were they staring?

Kuro was looking as always, softly grinning and relaxed. Yaku, however, seemed a bit stressed and when their gazes met, a little frown appeared on his face. Merely for a second and maybe Kenma's eyes had played a trick on him because it disappeared as fast as it had occurred and made room for Yaku's usual smile.

"Sorry, Kenma. I'll grab our stuff soon, Yaku and I just wanted to discuss the Golden Week."

"Oh, that's fine. Tora wants to show me a new game", Kenma shrugged.

"A videogame?"

"Yes."

"We have a _no videogames_ rule in the sports hall", Kuro crossed his arms and it didn't slip Kenma's attention that Yaku mirrored his gesture. He raised a brow. Why was he suddenly feeling as if he was standing in front of his parents? This was so weird.

"We can play outside."

"But only ten more mi-"

Yaku coughed.

"Fifteen more minutes, then we have to catch our train", Kuro corrected himself, exchanging another long look with Yaku, a type Kenma couldn't identify. Generally, Yaku seemed off today. Maybe he wasn't feeling well and had been asking Kuro for advice? And now he, Kenma, had shown up and disturbed their conversation. He wished for some clarification from his best friend but Kuro was busy ruffling through Yaku's hair as if he wanted to cheer him up.

Luckily, it was Tora who diffused the awkward situation. With heavy steps he jumped between them, waving around his PSP in front of Kenma's nose, who immediately grabbed it and made his way towards the exit of the gym.

"Let's leave the adults alone, Tora", he mumbled one last taunting comment aimed at Kuro without looking up from the handheld and Nekoma's ace trotted along, already explaining the controls to him. The starting screen greeting him with the picture of a mountain and yellow letters in front spelling the word _Thunderstep_.

"So, you have to climb up the mountain, while lightning demons try to shoot you down and once you fall, you've to start from the beginning! Usually, at stage 4 I always mess up...", Tora fell into a little monologue about his past gaming experiences with _Thunderstep_ but Kenma was only half listening. They both sat down in front of Nekoma's sports hall, the afternoon sun embracing them with its warm light and were absorbed into the game almost immediately.

Whenever one of their teammates walked past them, they mumbled a distracted _Goodbye_. Kenma's tongue slipped out between his lips because he was concentrating so much, trying to get the character safely from one rock to another, jumping up and dodging the demon's attacks. One wrong step made him fall off the edge, down the whole level to the bottom of the mountain. But it wasn't game over just yet, you got to try again, a timer measuring how long it took you to beat the game. A perfect level design for Kenma's competitive spirit. Tora watched over his shoulder, giving advice and cheering him on like he usually did on the court.

Both of them were engrossed in the game when the battery let hear a weak beep. Kenma hadn't been able to beat it yet. Disappointed he had to stop, he gave Tora the PSP back.

"Ah, you've gotten so far, Kenma! Let's try again tomorrow."

"Sure", Kenma stretched. Sitting on the ground had been quite uncomfortable. And the way his muscles protested when he got up, told him they had been playing for a while. He peeked inside the gym but it was empty. "Oh. Where is everyone?"

"Home? We've been playing for an hour", Tora answered after a short glance at his watch.

"But Kuro and I always leave together. And he said he'd get my bag."

"Maybe he's changing?"

"I'll look for him", a little annoyed Kenma walked back into the hall. First, he complained about Kenma playing videogames, claiming they had no time and now he ditched him? He crossed the hall, which almost seemed scary when it was that empty and quiet, and made his way towards the locker room. It was deserted as well. Only Kenma's and Kuro's bag were standing right next to the entry.

"Kuro?", he asked into the empty room, picking up his stuff. No answer. He roamed through the whole space and stopped at the door towards the boy's restroom. The door was ajar, so Kenma wanted to push it open, another _Kuro_ already on his lips when he heard a tone he had never heard before. A trembling, low-toned moan floated through the bathroom door right into Kenma's ears and made him immediately freeze in place.

Everything inside him screamed at him to leave but it got drowned out by the blood pounding in his ears. Kenma leaned forward despite knowing he'd regret it and peeked through the small gap. He could make out Yaku, sitting on top of the counter of the sink, head tilted back with an expression Kenma had never seen on him; he was blushing but he didn't seem embarrassed - the way he twitched and trembled, lips parting to produce another one of these moans that made Kenma's hair stand on end, arms moving forward to grab onto something he couldn't make out. Kenma took another step so he could change his angle. Now he could see a black, messy bedhead peeking out between their libero's naked legs. Yaku's fingers reached for Kuro's hair, burying into it, gently pulling and getting him closer towards his lap. His best friend was kneeling on the bathroom floor, now raising his hands and clawing into the white skin of Yaku's thighs. Kenma's eyes stopped at Yaku's pants, hanging around his left ankle, when the wet sucking sound now resonating through the room, pulled him back into reality.

He could feel the heat rushing into the center of his body and face alike and pressed a hand onto his mouth to suppress the surprised gasp that wanted to escape his throat. Like a spooked cat he made a jump backwards when Yaku's moaning got louder and sprinted out of the locker room. As much as he despised running, Kenma never had dashed out of the hall this quickly. Almost losing his bag while running, he didn't look back - he hadn't bothered being quiet during his escape so maybe they had heard him, however, since they were extremely busy with each other...

Kenma didn't even want to conclude this thought.

He nearly crashed into Tora, who was still waiting for him outside.

"Kenma! Are you okay?"

"No! Yes! No!"

"Eh?", Tora tilted his head in confusion.

"Hnng...ImeanImokaywhyareyouaskin", gibberish was all he was able to produce. Kenma could feel his cheeks burning and shook himself like a wet dog as if it would help to get rid of the image of Yaku inside his head. "Yaku is com- I mean, he is gone. I mean, they left already. So, bye!"

He left Tora standing and hurried down the street, his hand clenching the shoulder strap of his bag until his knuckles cracked. With each step further away from the sports hall, the heat vanished from his cheeks and lower belly; Kenma tried some deep breaths to calm himself. When he had reached the train station, he paced back and forth instead of getting on the train, not quite sure how to proceed.

"It's fine", he said, voice cracking. It was not.

Kuro and Yaku, acting in total sync on the court, even though there was him, in the middle of each of their plays - it didn't matter. He was a missing link because their positions demanded him, however, they didn't need him out of the game. Joking around in breaks, creating distance during conversations with him as if he was entering something forbidden, and yes, he actually was. Peeking at their secret, the explanation for why they formed a whole, was it passion or love or yearning?

Kenma felt another type of heat welling up inside his chest. Yaku's ecstatic face appeared before his inner eye once more. He ground his teeth and his body tensed. Why did it appear as if Yaku had stolen something from him? Burning anger built up, making Kenma let out a furious hiss while stomping towards the train. The mostly calm, almost invisible setter of Nekoma was now quite the presence, pushing past other people without any care and finally falling into his seat on the train, kicking the air.

He knew everything about Kuro. That was why he made him feel safe. Because there were no surprises. Even unfamiliar situations were easy to manage when Kuro was around - his pillar of support, their captain, his guide through awkward social interactions, someone to lean on. Not just someone, but _the one_. The one he would turn to when he felt insecure or lost. How could he keep a secret like this from Kenma? He felt betrayed. And even though there was a sudden urge to shake Kuro and yell at him, the main part of his fury was directed at Yaku.

Yaku, who had tried to cut him out of their conversation earlier, who had been improving so much on the court, who always had their backs and yet had put a knife into Kenma's exposed back without him knowing. The image of the two of them together wouldn't escape Kenma's head. He pressed his shivering hands against his forehead.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. A message from Kuro.

[6:48 PM] _Sorry, we forgot time while talking. Did you leave already?_

Fuck, he hated everything about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three introductions, done! I wish all of you who celebrate happy holidays, see you with a new update after Christmas!! :)  
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments, it means a lot!


	4. Suga - number two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Suga attends secret setter practice.

This was probably the worst idea of the year so far. But here he was, driving to his demise. Suga scrolled through the few messages he had exchanged with Oikawa on his phone while the beautiful scenery of the mountains rolled past the bus window. The vehicle was pretty cramped but Suga had snatched a seat for himself, all cuddled up in his Karasuno jacket and with his bag next to him. Their meeting place seemed to be in the middle of nowhere but Oikawa had insisted on it because it was right in the middle between their schools and yeah, neither of them wanted to go the other one's school for sure. It was the weekend so Suga had good reason to not tell anybody what he was doing. Although he had been tempted to at least confide in Asahi and Daichi but had chickened out last second. Asahi would probably understand and be supportive because he was, well, Asahi and too sweet for the world but Daichi would judge him - in silence, but Suga knew his reproachful look all too well.

So no one knew about his secret practice with the captain of Aoba Johsai and Suga was still not sure if he should text his friends. At least so they could find his body if things went down south. He had to grin at his thoughts and leaned his head against the window. The sun tickled his face and he closed his eyes for a short rest before Oikawa would boss him around. He was an optimist so of course, he was looking forward to it. What could go wrong? Oh, so much but Suga would be fine. He always was. Somehow.

Oikawa had chosen a fenced sports ground in a quiet residential area. Apart from a few elderly people, Suga didn't see anyone at all. There were basketball hoops, a football goal and a volleyball net. Even though it wasn't quite noon yet, the temperature was slowly rising so Suga took off his jacket and put it inside his bag before he grabbed his Mikasa. The ball danced over his lower arms while he balanced it out doing knee bends and slowly spinning around. He could feel he was in good shape today, the ball felt natural. Suga smiled and brought the ball up high. The sun shortly disrupted his view with its bright light and he had to catch the Mikasa with both hands instead of receiving it properly.

"Look who it is! My favourite mediocre setter!"

Oikawa strutted down the street as he owned it, wearing huge dark sunglasses and a turquoise shirt paired with dark pants. A white brace was wrapped around his right knee. He had brought a ball of his own and waved at Suga enthusiastically. A few steps behind him, another guy followed. Suga recognized him as Iwaizumi Hajime from their practice match - Oikawa had brought Aoba Johsai's ace. Suddenly Suga could feel his nerves. He lowered his back and greeted both of them properly, still smiling although Oikawa's greeting had already left a sour taste in his mouth.

"How are you doing, number two?", Oikawa lowered his glasses and winked at him. His tone was flirtatious as always and it dawned on Suga that this was just his normal way of talking. No wonder all the girls were over him if he constantly gave them the feeling of being interested. Iwaizumi grunted at Oikawa's exaggerated display and inspected the net.

"Good, how are you guys?", Suga decided to stay polite. It was one of his strengths after all.

"I'm not sure why I'm here", Iwaizumi's eyes were staring daggers at Oikawa, who simply ignored him and put down the stuff they brought. He started to stretch his arms and Suga followed along while Iwaizumi watched them with a grumpy face.

"Aah, Iwa-chan don't be so mean to our new friend!", Oikawa's tone was almost babying the other one, so he had to dodge Iwaizumi's fist coming for his side.

"What are you up to, dumbass?"

_He hasn't even told him? He just dragged him along?!_ , Suga was stunned by Oikawa's boldness once more. It seemed the Great King just did whatever he pleasedall day long. Not only with him but apparently with his close teammates as well.

"Sooo", Oikawa approached Suga and put an arm around his shoulders, slightly squeezing him. "I met number two at the movies and we talked about his shattered future caused by my sweet kouhai Tobio-chan. You know, he might never play volleyball again since he is a third-year who just got replaced by a true genius."

"And why do we care?"

"Because it's important to make new friends, Iwa-chan!", Oikawa answered as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Suga and Iwaizumi exchanged a doubtful look. They didn't know each other but they both knew Oikawa's words couldn't be trusted. _Still_ , Suga thought, _I'm here so we should just get to work._ He looked up to Seijoh's captain who still had his arm around him and smiled.

"So nice of you, Oikawa", ah, exchanging fake pleasantries - no one would ever beat Suga at this game. "Should we start with your secret training then?"

"Yes! You gonna set for Iwa-chan!"

"What?", the ace arched a brow.

"He is a setter, Iwa-chan. You should've noticed by now. Alright, let's go", Oikawa sprinted towards the court and the other two followed. "I'm gonna pass to you, number two, show me what you got."

Suga wanted to tell him to stop calling him number two, the name really stung but he decided to stay calm for now, especially as he saw Iwaizumi's annoyed face. Great, they hadn't even started and Oikawa's friend already looked like he wanted to murder them both. He reminded him of a very hangry Tanaka and the thought made him chuckle. A soft sound that not exactly lightened Iwaizumi's mood, however, Oikawa put his sunglasses on top of his head and winked at him again. He was having a great time. This guy made no sense at all, Suga decided, while he was getting into position.

"I'm gonna do a line shot", Iwaizumi pointed at Suga almost aggressively. "You know what that is?"

_Keep your cool_ , Suga thought but his blood pressure was rising. Who did he think he was? He even had been at their practice match it was not like Iwaizumi had never seen him near the court! Behind them, Oikawa's shoulders shook with silent laughter. Suga should've seen it coming. Of course, Oikawa would use the day to make fun of him as he had during the movie. There was no way he had agreed to meet up with him because he genuinely wanted to help. Suga was here for their amusement only. He clenched his teeth and tried to stay calm. A few sets then he could make up an excuse and leave. Even if Oikawa could teach him new tricks, he would not endure hours of mocking. That wasn't worth it.

"Alright, here it comes!", Oikawa passed the ball in a wide angle towards Suga who bent his knees. His eyes flickered over to Iwaizumi. He was a little smaller than Asahi so he would have to change up the height of the set. Suga spread his fingers a second before he got the ball and delivered an overhand set towards Iwaizumi who approached the net in a short sprint. When he jumped, Suga's eyes widened. He could easily jump as high as Asahi and the ball almost hit his face.

"Oh - s-sorry!", Suga rubbed his neck slightly embarrassed. "Don't worry, we have to get used to each other."

Iwaizumi landed on the ground without hitting the ball and was visibly annoyed: "Have we?"

" _If I stay silent, I am damned_!", Oikawa's voice echoed from the back of the court. Both of them turned around and looked at him in confusion. "Come on, number two. You should know that."

"Uhm, I'm afraid not."

"It's a quote from the movie we were at", Oikawa came nearer towards them. "You didn't pick up on it because you were too distracted by my captivating presence, I get it."

Suga cleared his throat and looked the other way.

"But you need to be able to focus on more than one thing. Especially as a setter. You can't decide who you wanna pass to _before_ you have the ball between your fingertips."

"I guess you are right", Suga admitted and picked up the ball.

"Also, don't stay silent. Tell him what you think", Oikawa looked at his teammate who seemed almost as embarrassed as Suga. "You complain about my sets all the time why can't you do it for him as well?"

"Because he will never set for me again after today. It doesn't matter."

" _It does_! Volleyball is all about communication. He can't read your damn mind, Iwa-chan. Tell him you like the balls a bit closer to the net and how high you can jump. Number two, don't decide for your spiker you will set higher next time - instead, ask him what he wants. You don't get to tell him how he spikes the ball, you have to adjust to his wishes."

Oikawa's playful attitude had changed. He seemed serious and passionate at the same time how he was standing in front of them, gesturing wildly with his arms and putting weight into every word he said. Suga nodded slowly. So, this was what practice under Aoba Johsai's captain was like.

"We don't really talk about that at Karasuno", Suga confessed. "I know how Asahi and Tanaka work, so it didn't come up. And Kageyama...he just seems to know."

"Tobio is a genius", Oikawa shrugged. "That's fine. We can't compete with that."

Suga gulped. So why was he here then? If he couldn't compete with Kageyama what was the point of extra training? But he stumbled over Oikawa's words. He had said "we". So even Aoba Johsai's star player was convinced he wasn't as good as Kageyama?

The taller one placed a hand on Suga's shoulder: "This is why we put in extra work. We don't create perfect sets out of anywhere, we ask our teammates how we can improve and adjust our set accordingly. Tobio is bad at communication. I am not. Neither are you."

Suga looked down at the ball in his hands. It was true, he was pretty skilled when it came to reading other people's emotions and thoughts. Especially when he had spent a lot of time with someone, however, the new first-years were still their own little mysteries and they wouldn't solve themselves if Suga just kept staring from the sidelines. The grip around the ball got tighter when Suga looked towards Iwaizumi again: "So, how can I optimize setting for you?"

"Oh", Seijoh's ace blinked, seemingly surprised but Oikawa smacked his shoulder, already grinning. "The pass has to be at least 20cm higher. And closer to the net. Please."

"You got it", Suga smiled. "Let's do this!"

Somehow Oikawa's little speech had both motivated them to a whole new degree. Suddenly they both wanted it to work even if there was no one watching and it was important what the other one had to say. They might not see each other again and Iwaizumi wouldn't get a ball from Suga in the future for sure but for this moment? It had to work. So this was what they needed to practice.

While Suga and Iwaizumi kept repeating, Karasuno's third-year was sure he had Oikawa figured out. He hid behind an arrogant and nonchalant mask which was tempting for fans and provocative to any rivals he encountered but in reality, the key to his success was clear communication. Not just that but accommodating his teammates. He was the star but also the glue that kept the team together. Even if he stood out to the crowd, Suga was convinced that inside Aoba Johsai, they all were on the same level. Nobody should feel left out, nobody should feel less worthy. And even if he didn't want to admit it, Suga knew this could only mean that Oikawa had more empathy than he showed.

Was it all an act to get an easy victory? Maybe but if it was, it was pretty damn good.

They spent the whole day trying out different techniques but most of the time Oikawa would just take him aside and tell him about how he analyzed his own team members and how Suga could use his knowledge to get back into the starter lineup of Karasuno. When the sun started to set, all three of them were exhausted and sat down on their bags to drink some water.

"I still don't get it", Suga mumbled, sitting on top of his backpack right next to Oikawa while Iwaizumi seemed busy with his phone and drink. "Why would you help me out?"

"Because I'm a nice person! You guys are really mean for not getting tha- ouch!", Iwaizumi had punched him between the ribs. "You are a tyrant, Iwa-chan", he whined with tears in his eyes before he turned back to Suga and was smiling again. _Creepy_ , Suga thought. Were there even any real emotions inside him? Or was it all a show?

"Fine, I'll tell you the truth", he lowered his voice and leaned closer towards Suga. This was the same tactic he had used in the cinema to startle him but this time it was no surprise anymore, so Suga tilted his head up a bit. "I actually think you are pretty cute."

" _Eh_?!", Suga gasped.

" _What_?!", Iwaizumi's head appeared behind Oikawa's shoulder - he stared at his captain in disbelief but Oikawa ignored him and winked at Suga instead.

"Oooor...", he went on. "Maybe I just wanted to get all your Karasuno secrets in case we meet each other at the Interhigh. Thanks for telling me everything about your spikers, by the way."

Suga could feel the heat rushing to his face. He jumped off his bag and immediately grabbed it from the ground. A combination of anger and guilt hit him right in the chest. Oikawa seemed unfazed by his emotions and let hear another one of his rough chuckles. Even now as Suga was losing his temper, it had an impact on him. And it made him more furious. This stupid, little laugh! These stupid eyes seemed to see right into his mind - what an idiot!

"You used me to spy on Karasuno?", Suga felt his voice cracking but he couldn't show any weakness now, not with Iwaizumi still around. "Are you _that_ scared of us?"

"Huh?", Oikawa's obnoxious smile dropped. "I'm not scared of the Flightless Crows."

"Well you should be!", now there was no going back, Suga had already lost his cool and he pointed right at Oikawa's face. "When we face you at Interhigh, we will crush you. Because we have me _and_ a genius, who is, as you said, way better than you."

Iwaizumi got up from his bag and clenched his fists, his face had gotten dark and Suga had to gather all his courage to not back down. Instead, he tried to focus on Oikawa. A slight flicker of annoyance washed over his eyes before Seijoh's captain stood up and crossed his arms.

"Ah, number two", his tone was cheerful and teasing but it didn't reach his eyes. "You can use my tactics all you want and communicate with your teammates but you forget one important point."

Oikawa was right in front of him with a few swift steps. He was about 10cm taller than Suga and way more muscular. This in combination with the cold gaze he used to scan Suga's face was more than intimidating.

"None of your teammates will _want_ to communicate or play with _you_ , an ordinary no one, when they can play with Tobio, the genius. Why would _anyone_ decide to put mediocrity on the court?"

" _You_ ", Suga was shaking. He had never felt so angry and humiliated in his life before. "You are an asshole."

It cost him all his self-control to turn away from Oikawa's arrogant face. He left the sports ground and half the way he realized, he had forgotten his water bottle but he would not give them the satisfaction of going back and instead hastened his steps. Oikawa shouted after him but his heart was beating so loud, Suga couldn't make out what it was. Probably for the better.

When he arrived at the bus stop, he reached for his phone. Deleting Oikawa's number would give him some comfort at least but his fingers were trembling so much that the phone slipped out of his hands and crashed onto the asphalt. Suga let out a loud, frustrated scream. What a waste of time this had been! How could he have been so dumb? Why would Oikawa care about him? He had been so naive! Still shaking, he picked up his phone. A slight crack was visible on the glass.

" _Great_. Just great", he wanted to scream again. Scream till his lungs hurt. But this wasn't him. _No more of this nonsense. Don't let him get to you. This is what he wants._ Suga's thoughts stopped revolving around Oikawa and changed towards calming himself down. Carefully, he pocketed his phone and took a seat at the bus stop. _One breath after the other._ He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the soft breeze tickling his nose and the last sunrays of the day covering his face, waving goodbye.

Hot tears formed inside his eyes and finally pushed through, streaming down his cheeks. He wasn't sure what was worse. The humiliation or the guilt caused by his stupidity. To think Oikawa would be genuine and help Suga out - he should've told Daichi about his plans. Daichi would've stopped him from coming here. All of a sudden Suga felt incredibly lonely. The fact that he had turned his back on Karasuno to run towards their rival only to get a few dumb tips...what kind of teammate was he? He should be ashamed of himself.

Lost in thoughts, Suga reached for his phone again and started a call.

"Daichi", he said when the other one picked up. "Do you want to hang out tonight?"


	5. Asahi - caged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Asahi gets trapped in the past.
> 
> content notes: depression, claustrophobia, anxiety attack

They sat together on the steps in front of the Sakanoshita store, which was closed, and looked at the cloudless sky. The glim of the street lights painted them in yellow light. Even though it wasn't cold yet, they all sat close together. Daichi had his arm around Suga's shoulder, Asahi patted the smaller one's head. Suga was nuzzled between them. He had arrived late but it didn't matter. When he had called them, both Asahi and Daichi had come to pick him up from the bus station.

"It's okay, Suga. We all make mistakes", Daichi's voice was uplifting as always. Their captain really had a way with words, Asahi thought. He wanted to be there for Suga but he wasn't sure what to say, so he just let his fingers run through the light-grey hair in calming little circles and watched the stars in the night sky.

"I thought it would help us, you know", Suga sniffled.

"We know", Daichi nodded.

"He just let me show up to make a joke out of me."

"You are no joke", finally, Asahi had found his voice. He leaned forward so their faces were on the same level and looked at his friend seriously. "You are an amazing friend and setter."

"If I were an amazing setter I wouldn't be benched."

"You don't know that yet! Coach Ukai hasn't decided yet."

"Oh, please, Daichi. He would be a fool if he didn't let Kageyama play. Even Oikawa said he is a genius", Suga crossed his legs and looked at his lap, eyes still glistening with tears. "I'm so mad."

"Fuck Oikawa!"

" _Asahi?!_ "

"What? It's true. Fuck Oikawa! He is an ass!"

"I mean, yes but you are... _swearing_ ", Daichi and Suga seemed to have forgotten about Oikawa and stared at him in surprise. Asahi could feel his cheeks redden.

"S-Sorry", he mumbled. "I just don't like it when someone hurts my friends."

"Aww, Asahi, you are so cute", Suga wrapped his arms around Asahi's neck and they almost fell over. Karasuno's ace pushed him away gently and laughed nervously. "You know when you curse you almost sound as scary as you look."

"Uh...thanks."

"Suga, stop it, you're making him uncomfortable."

"When is he ever not uncomfortable?"

"Excuse me, I'm sitting right here!", Asahi complained but couldn't hold back a laugh. Suga pulled them both into another hug. Now their friend seemed to have let Oikawa behind, at least for a moment, because he looked happy. And Asahi understood that all too well. The happiest times he had ever experienced were with his two best friends. With Daichi and Suga every obstacle seemed manageable and life was brighter. That wasn't something he could say to them without them making fun of him, so instead he returned the hug and ruffled through Suga's hair once more.

Silence fell over them. Suga's head rested against Daichi's shoulder and Asahi bent his knees so he could place his chin on top. He didn't want to go home. Didn't want to lay in his bed waiting for sleep which would never come. Tossing around, sweating and with a rapid heartbeat. His friends held him in place but as soon as they would part their ways, he would be alone with his thoughts. Asahi could feel his body tense.

"Asahi? Are you okay?", of course, Suga noticed. It was almost impossible to hide one's feelings from Suga, especially for Asahi.

"I don't know", he answered truthfully. He had no clue how to describe the chaos inside his head. How could they understand if he didn't? If only his thoughts would make sense.

"I hope it's not because you still feel guilty. You have no reason to!", Daichi said.

"No, it's not that...", Asahi sighed and let his forehead rest against his knees. He could hear his friends moving and seconds later, they had put him into the middle, sitting down left and right. Their warm hands touched his back. Comforting. But not enough.

"It's okay", he could basically see Suga's soft smile without looking.

"I...", Asahi lifted his head. "I feel broken. And I don't know why."

He knew behind his neck, Daichi and Suga shared a worried look but he didn't want to see it. Hell, he didn't want to worry his friends at all but keeping it all to himself alone was such a heavy weight, it stole him all the air to breathe.

"I mean, I should be happy, right? I'm back on the team. But...I don't know. I feel so ungrateful for not being happy. I'm sorry", Asahi brushed their hands away and got up. Whatever reassurance they wanted to hand to him, he couldn't bear to hear it. Of course, they would try to talk him up, they were his best friends. Right now, however, Asahi wasn't sure if he could handle any words of encouragement when he felt like he didn't deserve them at all.

"Asahi, stay, please", Suga pled.

"Sorry. It's late and we have school tomorrow, so...I should get some sleep."

He left them behind. Their eyes followed him down the streets, he felt them but even though he knew they could comfort him, he abandoned them. Asahi wasn't even sure why. What could be better than a talk with friends? Nothing, especially when all what was waiting for him was an empty bed and a head full of thoughts. There was the faint hope that a walk through the night would clear his head, would ground him like the workout with Nishinoya had but as he unlocked his front door, the hope was gone. Of course, nothing had changed during the past few minutes. There was no running from himself. Asahi bit down his lip. What was wrong with him?

Disappointed with himself, he was laying on his bed. Cold sweat had formed on his body while he had tried to fall asleep so he had tossed his shirt away. Asahi rolled over on his stomach and stared at his phone. It was late - way too late. Nobody would answer him around this time and he had already made clear he didn't want their help so what was he trying to do here?

[11:47 PM] _Hey, what are you up to? I can't sleep._

As soon as he had sent it, he regretted it. Asahi stared at the bright screen, nervousness rising inside his chest. Within seconds, he got an answer. Nishinoya wasn't asleep yet.

[11:47 PM] _Just remembered I had English homework_

He smiled. Sunday night and he did last-minute homework. There was not a more Nishinoya-way to finish the weekend. Asahi moved over so he could lay on his side and pondered what he should answer. Before he could send anything else, his phone started to ring. A little freaked, he hid it under his pillow instead of picking up. Why was he calling? This late?

_Well, probably 'cause you texted him, idiot._

Hesitantly he picked up: "Uhm...hello?"

"Yo, Asahi-san! Sorry I've to write this homework so we can talk better via phone, eh?"

"Uh...", he wanted to talk! Without any reason! Asahi was even more awake now and sat up straight in bed. "Sure. You need any help?"

"Nah, I'm good. Why can't you sleep?"

"I don't know", he really needed to find a better excuse in the future...

"I know why! You're not working out enough. Wanna go for another run tomorrow? At 6?"

"That's in like...six hours."

"Don't be a quitter!", Nishinoya sounded so excited. Sometimes Asahi wondered if their libero was even human. Did he ever sleep? How could he stay up late at night and already plan an early-morning workout? Where did he store all that energy? Asahi wanted to know, maybe it could help him with the constant state of exhaustion he was in.

"How about a run in the evening?", he tried to negotiate.

"I'll hold you to that", this was definitely a threat.

"Sure. After the club, we could jog home together."

"With a few rounds around the mountain!"

"Ah...great", that damn mountain.

"Alright, see you tomorrow, Asahi-san. Get some sleep!", before he could answer, Nishinoya had hung up. A little startled, he kept sitting on his mattress, staring at his phone like it was something he had never seen before. A warm feeling inside his chest pushed all the worries away for a moment. This had been so easy. It had felt like before. No more guilt or arguments, Nishinoya didn't hold a grudge and wanted to continue to hang out with him. Asahi crawled under his blanket and placed his phone next to the pillow, hovering over it with his hand. He closed his eyes. Maybe he would even fall asleep easily this time...

*********** 

He hadn't fallen asleep easily. With only three hours of sleep he had managed to survive practice, however, his spikes today had been weak and his reactions slow. Their new coach, Ukai, had shown no mercy, though. Of course, he wanted everyone to be in peak form. However, as much as he wanted to spend time with Nishinoya, his muscles were already sore when he joined the others in the clubroom. Tanaka and Suga were changing, while Daichi was already finished and waited somewhat impatient. No wonder, they were all pretty late today.

Nishinoya was finished changing and in some fresh workout clothes. He hadn't forgotten. Ah, there went Asahi's hopes for a relaxed evening. But when Nishinoya smiled at him, still full of energy, he couldn't resist but grinning back and rummaged around in his bag for a fresh shirt.

Suga, Daichi and Tanaka waved them goodbye and left. Asahi could feel Nishinoya's restless gaze on him, a fact that made him need two attempts to put the shirt over his head. The libero was eager to start their run, this wasn't about watching Asahi dress but it made him nervous nonetheless. When the fabric covered his skin, his heartbeat got a little slower. When he looked at Nishinoya, the smaller one averted his eyes. He cleared his throat and seemed unusually shy when he said: "About time. Let's go then, Asahi-san!"

"Lead the way", and Nishinoya did all too willingly. They left the clubroom together and jogged down the stairs. It was dark already and Asahi had to suppress a yawn. This would be torture. Maybe Nishinoya would pity him and only chase him up the mountain once. When they left the school grounds, Asahi was already daydreaming about them just sitting in bed and chatting on the phone. So much comfier...

"Oh, wait!", Asahi stopped. "I forgot my phone at the clubroom."

"Hurry!", Nishinoya grinned, jogging where he was standing.

"Yeah, just one second", Asahi ran back towards the school and lept several stairs at the same time. He entered the clubroom and looked for his phone. Where did he put it again? Right, Tanaka and Suga had distracted him with their jokes when he had wanted to look up the time. Asahi sat down on the floor and reached for his phone, which was laying under the little wooden table. Suddenly, the lock made a loud clicking sound. He froze in place. Had someone...locked the door?

Asahi got up and grabbed the handle. The door stayed shut. In the blink of a moment, the room seemed to shrink around him. To squeeze him tight. These walls, all this furniture, too much, it was pushing into him. He fell down to the floor, pressed his palms to the ground and tried to move it but nothing happened. His mind went blank, no, it went into survival mode. Asahi felt the air escape from his lungs, he opened his lips to breathe but he couldn't and panic overcame him.

"H-Help", he pressed out in sheer despair. His eyes flickered over the closed door and suddenly his vision changed. An iron wall forming in front of his only way out, his fists crashing against it and knuckles that ripped open - the wall changed back to a door but it was still made of iron and taller, reaching to the ceiling. Asahi felt small, insignificant, alone. It was dark - where was he?

 _I know this room_ , he thought. A memory, he had repressed. So many years. He put his hand on the door but it was smaller than before. A child's hand. The knot in his throat tightened even more. The vision flickered again, changed and suddenly he looked into the worried faces of Daichi and Nishinoya but they were blurred. What was happening?

"Asahi-san? Hey! Are you okay?", Nishinoya kneeled before him. "What happened?"

"Asahi, I'm so sorry - I forgot to lock the door and came back, I had no clue you were in here!"

Tears. He was crying. So this caused Nishinoya to be all blurred. It was still hard to breathe. Where was he again? It didn't come to his mind at once and scared him even more. Nishinoya raised his hands and let them both smack against his cheeks simultaneously. Daichi scolded him immediately but the sudden pain brought Asahi back.

"Noya", he whispered.

"Hey", the smaller one smiled at him but there was still worry in his brown eyes. "Breathe."

"I c-can't", Asahi sobbed. He felt so ashamed. Here he was, crying like a baby on the ground because a door had been locked for what? Ten seconds?

"You can", Nishinoya insisted. "With me, inhale!"

He puffed up his cheeks and tilted his head, waiting for Asahi to follow him. With his chest still hurting terribly, it took him a few tries before he could fill his lungs with air again. Nishinoya placed his hands on Asahi's shoulders and pushed them down when he exhaled. Asahi closed his eyes and just focused on his touch. The pressure became less. _Inhale_. Nishinoya's hands were back. _Exhale_.

"You are doing great, ace", why did it sound so genuine? A tremendous feeling of gratitude overwhelmed Asahi. When he opened his eyes, Nishinoya was still kneeling in front of him, smiling. Before he could have a change of heart, Asahi leaned forward and placed his forehead against Nishinoya's. The libero wrapped his arms around his neck. " _Inhale_."

Asahi could feel Nishinoya's breath on his face when they both exhaled together, finding their rhythm, even though his hands on his neck and his fingers gently playing with the tag of his shirt made it hard to calm down. Instead, his heart was pounding heavily inside his chest. He was so close, he could smell him, still sweaty from practice but also he just smelled like... _Noya_. And the world after a summer storm. And _everything_. Asahi tried to focus, exhaled whenever Nishinoya put soft pressure on his neck and forgot everything around them. Their breathing became slower, steady.

Way too early, Nishinoya withdrew his hands and shifted back, still smiling.

"Hey", he said again. "Are you better now?"

"Yes", Asahi blushed.

"What happened, Asahi?", both of them flinched when Daichi started to speak. Asahi had completely forgotten their captain was present.

"I- uhm-"

"He had a panic attack", to his surprise it was Nishinoya who explained the situation. "He just needed some time to ground himself. It's okay now, right, Asahi-san?"

Asahi nodded a little embarrassed: "I guess locked rooms make me a bit nervous."

"I'm so sorry", Daichi seemed genuinely upset. "I really didn't know you were in here."

Asahi slowly got up from the ground, legs still shaking. He felt exhausted, almost as if Nishinoya had already shooed him up the mountains. The fresh shirt was all sweaty and his hair a mess.

"It's okay", he tried to reassure Daichi. "I'm fine now."

It took them both another couple of minutes until Daichi was convinced he really was fine and was ready to leave. Asahi was relieved when he left the walls of the clubroom and could breathe some fresh air. The night breeze danced over his sweaty skin and gave him goosebumps. Daichi locked the door behind them and waved them goodbye, while Nishinoya leaned next to him against the railing. Although he appeared wide awake, the enthusiasm for another workout seemed to have vanished.

"How come you knew what to do?", Asahi asked. "Even I didn't know what was happening."

Nishinoya didn't answer straight away. Instead, he put his arms on the railing and placed his chin on top, looking over to their sports hall. Asahi tilted his head. Suddenly Nishinoya seemed so calm. The steady breathing, the soft voice and his gentle encouragement - nothing of this was something their wild libero had shown before. He had pulled it off without any hesitation, he had known exactly what to do.

"I promised to guard your back. In and out of court", Nishinoya said, voice cracking.

This wasn't the whole truth. There was more to it. They both knew it but Asahi would never pressure him to tell. His vision of the past had been terrifying. If Nishinoya had been through something similar...no, he couldn't force him to reveal anything.

"Thank you, No-, thank you, Nishinoya."

The smaller one turned his head and looked up at him: "Always."

His straightforward nature made Asahi flush once more. How could he say stuff like this so directly? Even while looking right into his eyes. The nightly breeze blew past them, playing with the little tuft of blonde hair in Nishinoya's face. Asahi bit his lip. He looked so adorable and adamant at the same time. When Asahi's eyes finally broke free from the mesmerizing hair strands, he realized the slight blush on Nishinoya's nose and cheeks.

_Was he-? Could he-?_

"We should go home. You must be exhausted", Nishinoya's voice sounded oddly husky and he dodged his gaze. "We can go for a run tomorrow."

The moment had passed. There he was again. The Nishinoya he knew, grinning and full of energy. He gave Asahi a playful punch against the upper arm and went ahead.


	6. Kenma - crushes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kenma asks all the wrong questions.

The train was cramped but they had snatched their usual seats before the crowd had swarmed into the wagon. Dressed in their school uniforms and loaded with their gym bags, Kuro and Kenma were on their way to school. Just another morning. Not different from all the mornings they had travelled together before. Except everything was different. Kenma hid behind his phone, head tilted so a curtain of blonde hair covered his face from Kuro and played a game to distract himself. It was vital to keep his fingers and brain busy so he wouldn't lose control over his thoughts, spiralling down into these weird feelings of anger and arousal, both equally frightening and only getting more intense whenever he looked at his best friend.

The weekend had been a great chance to avoid Kuro - Kenma had simply hidden in front of his TV all day, playing videogames. Saturday evening he had expected Kuro to kick in his door, dragging him along for a jog or some passing drills but he had kept his distance. Probably because Kenma had ignored every message from him for the past days. Nekoma's setter knew he couldn't keep running away - there was morning practice, there were afternoon practice and their train rides. But still, he hadn't found the right words yet. So it had been nothing but a soft _Hello_ escaping his lips since they had seen each other this morning. Kuro's gaze lingered on him and it tickled his exposed neck, he could sense him scanning every one of his moves, analyzing in silence. The feeling left goosebumps on his forearms and scalp.

"Just one more week 'til training camp."

It was a blank statement. Not a question. So, Kenma thought, he could keep entirely calm, no need for further conversation. If Kuro wanted to talk about volleyball, it was mostly a monologue anyway, him purely stopping in his remarks whenever he needed Kenma's tactical advice. But Kuro didn't talk himself into a volleyball rage, how he used called it. Instead, he leaned over to him until their shoulders touched, trying to get a glimpse of Kenma's phone. Nekoma's setter pressed the device to his chest and straightened his back.

"Are you excited?"

"Not really", his voice was hoarse because he had kept silent for so long.

"Of course not", Kuro gave him a pat on the shoulder that made him almost jump out of the seat. Kenma bit his lip. He was still acting like a spooked cat even though this was just Kuro. There was no need to feel uneasy or scared. Annoyed with himself and especially his body, which was reacting so weird towards his best friend, he shifted in his seat, looking right at his face since the last time they had trained together.

Kuro raised an eyebrow.

"Uh", Kenma hadn't thought this far ahead. He just had wanted to look at him to prove himself he wasn't scared of this whole situation. Now his attention got stolen away by Kuro's black hair strands covering his eye, immediately creating the image of his mane of hair appearing between Yaku's knees. Within seconds, he could sense the flashing heat on his cheeks. "Not excited."

"As you said."

"Right."

"Everything alright?"

"No. Yes. I'm fine", Kenma turned back around and stared at his knees. "How is Yaku?"

Teeth buried into the tip of his tongue but it was too late, the words had already slipped out. Blood pounding in his ears, Kenma clutched the phone in his hand tighter. Such a dumb move. He didn't even want to know the answer to his question. Why did he have to bring up Yaku? _Urgh_.

"Fine? Why shouldn't he?"

"He seemed...off last week, that's all."

"Oh", Kuro's tone had changed and Kenma cursed his curiosity but he simply had to gaze back at him. His best friend didn't grin anymore, he seemed lost in his thoughts before answering and his voice was weirdly distant as if he wanted to create a barrier towards Yaku that - as Kenma knew - wasn't there. "He is doing okay, just nervous because of the tournament and such."

All these years of close friendship had Kenma prepared to see through such lame excuses, however, he didn't want to poke holes in Kuro's alibi. So he nodded and tried to focus back on his phone. Even if he asked him, Kuro wouldn't tell him the truth. A fact, that still hurt and probably would for a while. On the other hand, perhaps a crowded train wasn't the right place to question Kuro about his secret affair with another guy on their team. If he could gather his courage, he'd ask him about it after training, Kenma decided.

But for now, hiding behind his hair and videogames was his preferred choice.

***********

Nekoma was a team of pretty agile players, one of the reasons why they seldom dropped a ball. One of them, however, topped all of them when it came to great reflexes. Their libero always jumped for every ball, throwing himself on the floor without any fear, sprinting after every spike and most of the times, he would bring the ball back into the air, even if it caused pain and bruises all over his skin.

And there were quite a few of those, Kenma observed during their practice. The smooth thighs of Yaku were covered in blue and yellow spots if you looked closer and especially his arms were full of them. Yet he dug every ball coming his way without wasting a second thought. And all these balls, he tried to bring back towards Kenma so he could do his job as a setter. Yaku was so fucking reliable, it was frustrating.

Even now, he dove towards the ball on the edge of the court, a determined spark flashing in his hazel eyes. He crashed onto the floor with a thump but his knuckles reached his target. Kenma held his breath when their eyes met - Yaku was shouting towards him, once more, bringing the ball to him without any struggles. However, Kenma's gaze was glued to the soft blush on his cheeks, the slight drops of sweat over his upper lip and unexpectedly he felt the sudden urge to punch him.

Instead of getting to act on any of his confusing feelings, the ball dropped right on Kenma's head.

"Kenma! Stop daydreaming!", their coach Naoi yelled from the bench.

The dull ache on the back of his head made his way to the front and Kenma carefully touched his hair, wincing in pain. Yaku approached him with a worried look on his face.

"Are you okay?"

He wasn't much smaller than him, still, it felt as if Yaku was looking down on him. There was concern in his eyes but there also was a sudden distance Kenma had never felt before. They had never been particularly close, however, this felt different. He made a step backwards and touched the net.

"I'm fine", his tone almost the hiss of a caged cat that made Yaku frown.

"Good", their libero answered. "Then get it together and play."

The temperature on the court seemed to drop a few degrees. Kenma knew everyone was staring at him and he wasn't eager to make a scene, so he just got back into position and gave a nod towards their coaches to show them he was okay. They concluded their match against each other but every further movement was stiff and slightly off. Kenma's brain wouldn't work properly, he was too distracted to analyze distance and opportunities, his game was sloppy.

Before their coaches could ask him after practice, he mumbled a quiet: "Sorry, just one of those days", their way and paced towards his bag. He knew they would leave him alone to instead bother Kuro with their concerns, so he should probably prepare for a lecture of their captain, worried about his health. Kenma let out a deep sigh. This day should just end.

He was thinking of sneaking out with Tora again to play some more _Thunderstep_ when a different type of thunderstorm stepped in his way. Yaku appeared right next to him, arms crossed and clicking his tongue impatiently. "You messed up a lot today, at least make up for it by participating in cleaning up? Or are you too tired for that too?"

Ah, their demon-senpai was back. Normally, you simply let Yaku ramble and you definitely didn't talk back to him, a lesson all of the younger members had learned the hard way. Kenma bit down the inner side of his cheek to swallow a snarky answer. It cost him all his self-control to nod and walk back towards the court. Before he could pass by Yaku, the libero grabbed his wrist.

"What?", Kenma couldn't drown the hostile tone completely. The other one knew how much he disliked being touched and there was no need for it at all. They both froze on the spot, Kenma's eyes narrowing at Yaku.

"Anything bothering you?"

 _Yes. You are bothering me, idiot_ , Kenma yelled inside his head. _Stay away from me and Kuro._

"No", he said in reality.

"Really? Don't have anything to talk about?"

Kenma frowned. Yaku had lowered his voice, almost as if he was scared someone would overhear them. No way. Did he-?

"Don't think so", but it was just another lie. Kenma's golden eyes studied every little movement on Yaku's face. The libero bit his lip, his eyes flickered to the side and then there was this slight blush he tried to hide behind an annoyed look at his face. He knew. He knew Kenma knew.

"Uh, Yaku", Kenma rubbed his neck in embarrassment. "I won't tell anyone."

He had no clue where these words came from but now it was too late. Yaku's shoulders relaxed, the grip around Kenma's wrist disappeared. Suddenly the libero let out a soft sigh and whereas his cheeks changed into a deeper shade of red, he appeared relieved.

"Good. We don't want anyone to know yet."

Yet? Wait, what did this mean? That they were a couple? With feelings? Not only having sex in secret but actually falling for each other? Kenma's thoughts immediately turned into a whirlwind of emotions and he lost control over his face, staring at Yaku in utter disbelief.

"What do you mean, we?", he sounded harsher than he had wanted and it had a prompt effect on Yaku's expression - now the hint of trust was gone from his eyes.

"It means Kuroo and I want to keep this a secret", Yaku leaned towards him, whispering and looking around almost paranoid but nobody was paying them any second thought. Everybody was busy cleaning the hall.

"Your _relationship_?", this was probably the plumpest way to ask for information but Kenma was at his wits' end. There were too many emotions fighting to the surface right now and he had to suppress each of them.

Yaku raised a brow, looking at Kenma's uncomfortable expression and his frown changed into an almost smug smile: "Yes. Our _relationship_. Got a problem with that?"

_Hell yes, he had a problem with that!_

"No", Kenma shrugged. "I'm gonna go clean now."

Walking away from Yaku, the image of their libero blissfully moaning was now replaced with him grinning at him almost triumphantly and it was even worse. Kenma clenched his fists and minutes later, he swung around the mop over the floor with such a firm grip, it would've been close to breaking if he had as many muscles as Tora. A relationship, huh? Kuro had kept a whole ass relationship from him? Kenma didn't want to believe it. But now every interaction of them was shining in a different light.

Right now, they were talking again next to the exit. Kuro leaning nonchalantly against the wall, watching everyone else cleaning up the last bits and Yaku almost nervously running his finger's through his short hair, trying to catch Kuro's attention. And he got it, his gaze and a grin. They exchanged a few words, probably some inside jokes because seconds later they were laughing and Kuro wrapped his arm around Yaku's shoulder, whispering something into his ear.

Kenma felt his shoes getting wet as he had mopped over his own feet repeatedly while watching. With a nervous cough, he gathered his things and put away the mop before grabbing his bag. As much as he wanted to stay here with Tora to play _Thunderstep_ , he didn't want Kuro and Yaku escape together again. So he turned down Tora's offer to play and approached the older ones.

"I'm finished. Let's go", he said directed at Kuro and completely ignoring Yaku. It was petty and he knew it but right now Kenma had no problem with being cheap.

"Alright. Bye, Yakkun!", Kuro punched Yaku's upper arm and shouldered his bag; Kenma watched his every move. There was no blush on his nose, no seductive grin, no tender gaze - not as if he really knew how that would look on Kuro's face but it was reassuring nonetheless. They left together, Kenma mumbling a _Goodbye_ directed at Yaku without looking at him and made their way to the train station.

Walking next to Kuro, the afternoon sun warming their backs, Kenma contemplated if he wanted to confront him. He'd rather enjoy the ride home without any incidents, however, their friendship wouldn't work out like this if he kept his mouth shut. Kenma took a deep breath.

"So, Kuro."

"Huh?"

"I was wondering, well...", Kenma stopped and thought about how he should word his sentence. Again, Yaku's smug grin appeared in front of him, making his blood boil. This was upsetting. There was no way this could keep going on, Kenma hated being overwhelmed with emotions he couldn't control. It made him feel helpless. "I was wondering if you have ever fallen in love."

_Wait, what?!_

No, that was not what he was wondering at all! Kenma sucked in the air between his teeth. There was something entirely wrong with him. This had been the third time today he had said something different than he intended to, although he was thinking so much about how he wanted a conversation to go. It took him a few seconds until he realized, Kuro had stopped walking.

"Why are you asking?"

"Uh, just curious", Kenma avoided his gaze, staring at Kuro's left knee.

"I don't think so", his best friend shrugged and caught up with him again. "It's not easy."

"It's not? Shouldn't it be easy for us?"

"What do you mean?"

"Being teenagers...hormones...that kind of stuff", Kenma muttered under his breath.

"Are you in love, Kenma?", there was this typical teasing tone, which always made Kenma's heart skip a beat and usually lured him into answering with a snarky comment but this time he only managed to shake his head.

"No."

"I mean I've had a few crushes, you know? I think everybody has those. But in love? That's something more complicated."

"I guess so", so had Yaku lied to him? Or could you be in a relationship without being in love? Damn, Kenma had no clue about this kind of stuff and it was starting to bug him.

"This love at first sight crap is so weird. Crushes at first sight? Yeah, almost daily", Kuro chuckled.

"Mhh", Kenma wasn't sure if he could follow. He had never had a crush on anyone. He also had never fallen in love. Maybe that type of relationship wasn't for him. He was fine with only having Kuro around, him being the only one who really understood him and he could be vulnerable towards. Despite everything, Kenma was convinced no lover could compete with the bond they shared. Especially not Yaku.

"Mhh?", Kuro echoed. "Tell me about your crushes. We never talk about this stuff."

"Because it's awkward", Kenma tried to wiggle out of the conversation.

"Of course! That's what makes it so fun. So?"

"Urgh, I hate you."

"No, you don't."

"I don't have a crush right now", he whispered, cheeks burning for no apparent reason. "But if I ever get one, I'll make sure to tell you about him."

" _Him_?", Kuro repeated and his voice had matched Kenma's tone, not sure if intentional or not, it still had a significant impact on Nekoma's setter. He froze in place, pressing a hand on his mouth. He hadn't thought about it. He had wanted to give just any answer, not necessarily a truthful one.

He glanced up at Kuro, the nervousness forming a tight knot inside his throat. But then Kuro's startled face changed into a gentle, loving expression - the kind of look he always gave him when he was watching Kenma play videogames. He put his arms around Kenma's shoulders and dragged him along.

"Can't wait to hear about him", he spoke softly, squeezing Kenma in his arm as they continued their way to the station.


	7. Suga - second best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Suga becomes bold.

When anger subsided there was nothing but humiliation left, which persisted despite Asahi's and Daichi's comfort. A delicate crack across the screen of his phone reminded him of the burning feeling of shame over and over. Suga was capable of seeing over his teammates' mistakes. Because they would focus so much on them, he always tried to pull their minds off of them. But when it came to his own failures, they seemed to haunt him. Creeping up behind him on the corridor while he was walking to class and let his guard down. Grasping for him when he was on the court, trying to concentrate on his serve. How foolish he had been. How he had somehow betrayed Karasuno.

Yes, he wished he could go back to anger. Being angry was so easy. To scream out his frustration after a failed spike or at a loss - sometimes he admired Tanaka for that. However, in their current dynamic, there was no space for a Suga who acted on a whim. As a third-year he was supposed to keep it together, to watch out for the energetic youngsters even if all he wanted was to punch a wall. So here he was, keeping his composure. During school. During training. During every interaction with every person, he came in contact with. The proper hull of dutiful Sugawara Kōshi was not allowed to crack.

Thus, it was not surprising both Daichi and Asahi apparently had forgotten about the incident last weekend or maybe they were too scared to bring it up again, afraid of ruining the mood. Suga kept his doubts to himself. Since Daichi hadn't scolded him, he probably was fine. Back to the usual routine. School. Training. Hanging out with friends. Study. Sleep. Ignoring any feelings. Slowly forgetting about the humiliation Oikawa and his weird lapdog had brought over him.

Little did he know, forgetting about Oikawa would become impossible over the next months.

But for now, life started to feel alright again. All of them were in anticipation of the upcoming training camp next week, Suga even more so, considering this would bring a final decision of who should be their regular setter. He wasn't one to fool himself. Kageyama would get the position for sure. Unlike when he met Oikawa in the cinema, he now tried not to be too upset about it. After all, he just wanted Karasuno to win. No matter how.

"Time for a run!", Nishinoya jumped past him, hands high up in the air and energetic as always. Add a wagging tail and he would become the perfect puppy, excited for a walk, Suga thought with a smile. A smile that changed into a mischievous grin when Asahi followed right behind their libero with the biggest frown on his face.

"This guy will be the end of me...", he muttered.

"For you despising late-night exercise so much, you surely hang out a lot with Nishinoya."

Asahi flinched and turned around towards him; his frown had made room for a nervous quirk of his lip. Suga raised a brow. Something seemed suspicious but he decided to spare Asahi any more embarrassing comments - apart from wiggling his eyebrows in a more than suggestive way that made Asahi mutter something unintelligible and blush before leaving their sports hall. Suga watched after them. They had made it a habit to run home together as extra practice. As much as Asahi complained, he never told Nishinoya to run alone and Suga believed he knew why.

Their ace was a known daydreamer, however, during the last days, his eyes had landed more and more often on Nishinoya, especially when he was rolling through the court like the little thunderstorm he was and jumping around, digging the ball and making extraordinary plays. At first, Suga had thought of it of simple competitive admiration but then it had dawned on him that Asahi might be admiring Nishinoya as a person and not as an athlete. Ah, he was already looking forward to _that_ conversation. How much he would be able to tease him...!

The soft giggle hadn't even left Suga's lips completely when he heard a faint echo of his name while leaving the school grounds with Daichi. It was late already, the sun about to set and most of the other students were long gone. Only Hinata and Kageyama were still bustling around in the hall.

"Huh?"

"Hey, my number two!", the figure approached with swift steps, waving with a typical exaggerated gesture and a smile on their face that was nothing but a feint. Suga stiffened when Oikawa was but a few steps away from them and he could feel Daichi's body tense up as well. His captain immediately placed himself between them, like a shield, determined to not let Seijoh's captain do any harm to his best friend again. As much as Suga was touched by the gesture, his confusion outweighed his anger.

"What are you doing here?"

"Students from other schools are not welcome on Karasuno's school grounds", Daichi chimed in before Oikawa could even answer his question. Long fingers ran through perfect light-brown hair and a familiar grin, the one that never reached those smug eyes, appeared.

"Oh, I just wanted to drop off the water bottle my new friend forgot at our training."

An innocent smirk you couldn't trust. Suga knew that and he fell for it regardless. Just a second, a slight spark inside his chest but still. You had to always be on guard with Oikawa. But at least his words weren't a lie, Suga thought when Seijoh's captain opened his bag and handed Suga's water bottle towards them. Neither Daichi nor he moved an inch. Almost as if Oikawa was holding a ticking bomb, they were frozen in place.

"Aw, don't be so scared! I made all my way here, at least show some gratitude", the grin vanished, making room for a serious, almost daunting expression. Finally, Suga stepped forward and took the bottle out of his hands. Or at least he tried to 'cause when he was about to, Oikawa's grip around the bottle got tighter. The taller one tilted his head. "You didn't even say goodbye last time."

Again, this teasing tone. Flirtatious towards his admirers, nothing but a provocation for his enemies. And yet here he was, hesitating, glaring at Oikawa's face because Suga wasn't sure who of the two factions he belonged to. But he could feel Daichi getting restless behind him, so he swallowed hard before raising his chin.

"I don't exchange courtesies with an uncivil imbecile."

Oikawa let go off the bottle and pressed his hand against his chest, producing an almost theatrical gasp. Suga rolled his eyes at his performance to show him he wouldn't gain anything with his approach but once more, Oikawa didn't care. When did he ever, really?

"Look at you, number two, breaking my heart after I've made such efforts to see you again."

"What do you want?", Daichi's tone was dangerously calm. He was about to snap. Not sure if he wanted it to happen, Suga put a hand on his arm. As fiercely as Daichi was when it came to defending his friends, he was unsure how a confrontation with the ambiguous Oikawa would play out.

"A few minutes of privacy with my friend."

"He is not your friend."

"It's fine", Suga was surprised by his courage. Or stupidity, whichever way you looked at it.

"Suga, he-"

"I know", he cut his friend off. "But I'll be fine, don't worry about it. Go ahead I'll meet you at the store." He gave Daichi another smile before he turned back to Oikawa who grinned at his frustrated friend with more enjoyment than would be appropriate. He was scheming something.

However, Suga had made his decision. Earlier he had settled with how he wanted things to play out. Determined there was no room for him to be overemotional or to have outbursts anymore because it wasn't what the team needed right now. So he could start with Oikawa, staying polite but harsh and walking him out of his life once and for all. Maybe even give him a lecture to take along.

It was an odd sight. Karasuno's setter, arms crossed and all tensed even though he was usually the sunshine of their team. Now though, staring daggers at the taller captain of Aoba Johsai, dressed in his club jacket and acting all innocent underneath the fiery glare.

"So?", Suga asked and he was glad his tone sounded as sharp in reality as he had played it out in his head. This time Oikawa wouldn't get to him. He wouldn't be his laughing stock anymore.

"How's training going?"

"Cut the crap, Oikawa. What do you want?"

Suga was as surprised by his aggressive approach as was Oikawa himself. He avoided his gaze and started to walk in the opposite direction from Daichi and after a short consideration, Suga followed him. Sometimes it felt as if people were drawn towards his presence, like moths eager to swarm towards the light because there was something about his demeanour that made you want to hate him but be close to him at the same time. There he was, overanalyzing his thoughts again. It seemed Oikawa simply had that effect on him.

"You know, not everything I told you was a lie."

"And you leave it to me to figure out what wasn't?", Suga sighed, tired of all the games.

"Yes", Oikawa's voice switched into a soft sing-song. "But that's not why I'm here."

Apparently, he needed someone to always ask, to beg so he could decide if he wanted to relay more information - a twisted act of upholding power, just as you would think of the Great King.

"So why are you here then?", Suga played along. He didn't really have a choice.

"Well...", another dramatic pause. "Because I thought we should share our experiences."

"Experiences in volleyball?"

Confused, he looked at the taller one, who now avoided his eyes once more. Oikawa rubbed his neck in an almost embarrassed way. Then, all of a sudden, he stood still. Briefly, he reminded him of Asahi. An Asahi who doubted himself even though he was amazing at what he did. Maybe it was the image of his best friend feeling worthless for no reason, maybe it was because Suga never wanted anyone to feel less but he approached Oikawa with a gentle smile.

"Experiences in being _second best_."

His eyes widened. Oikawa saw himself as second best? In what? This made no sense at all. Suga reminded himself of their training match where, once Oikawa had shown up, they had struggled immensely against his serves.

"I watched a bit of the match before joining in. I saw you standing on the sidelines, cheering but concentrating. Observing. You analyzed every step and you were already thinking about how you would still fit in these days, right?"

"Yes", there was no point in denying it. Oikawa was as good as an observer as he was.

"I am the same. I watched. Tobio-chan is a better setter than I am. Even though I've more experience he is already at my level when it comes to setting. And he's not the only one competing with me. Even though I spent hours and hours after regular training to do extra work, even though I stay up late at night and analyze plays - It doesn't matter when your opponent is a genius."

His tone had switched once more, a bitter sound hanging between them. Lips curled into a frown, Oikawa stared into the distance over the mountain range; Suga wasn't sure if he knew he was still around - that had been quite the reveal and to him, it made no sense why he would trust him with such knowledge. Perhaps it was just another act. However, Suga wanted it to be real. His expression appeared sincere, maybe for the first time ever since they had met.

"That must be frustrating."

"It is."

"I guess for us ordinary mortals there is nothing we can do", Suga tried to ease the conversation.

Finally, Oikawa peered back to him; the fire inside his dark eyes had gone out. Now it was an almost anxious flicker dancing inside them. No more mocking gaze or smug grin left. Instead, he raised his hands, mustering his palms with a soft sigh.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm sleepwalking while everybody else sprints towards the finish line."

"But you are the captain of Aoba Johsai. You are kind of what we all want to be."

"Yeah? Do you want to be like me, number two?", this wasn't an attempt to tease him. It was a genuine question and the doubts in his voice caused a soft ache inside Suga's chest.

"No", he admitted. "I don't want to be like you. But I'd like to be a better version of myself."

"Look at you, such a do-gooder. Disgusting", Oikawa rolled his eyes.

"Well, you came here knowing about that."

"I did", he shrugged, slowly getting closer to his usual self and leaving behind the veil of melancholy, which had been hovering around him. "I'm sorry about last time. I can be twice as horrible whenever I'm out with Iwa-chan."

"He is terrifying", Suga confessed and it raised a laugh from Oikawa. "If you want to continue your super-secret training, I'd rather practice without him."

"You still want to practice with me?"

"Listen, I'm just gonna assume you didn't want to spy on us but were merely too childish and self-conscious to tell me how much you like spending time with me", Suga grinned. Their conversation had brought him more confidence himself. It had proven how Oikawa was exactly in the same spot as him. A student wanting to improve and being scared he couldn't compete with others. In the end, all of them had the same fears and doubts.

"You wish", the smug grin was back.

" _You_ were the one calling me cute", Suga had no clue where the sudden boldness came from. But he enjoyed it.

"I was. Still standing by that."

It certainly was tempting to fall for his flirtatious jokes, however, Suga reminded himself of the crowd of girls who usually followed Oikawa around. So it was quite clear this was nothing but another try to tease him because it was just how Oikawa worked. His body had nothing better to do than betray him, though. A slight blush covered his cheeks when he met Oikawa's vain gaze.

"I guess it's a date then, number two", Seijoh's captain implied an almost comical bow towards him.

"My name is Sugawara Kōshi. If you want a date, you better remember that."

Suga turned around on his heel and left Oikawa standing in the street by himself. Finally, he had made him speechless. No teasing flirt was shouted after him, no half-hearted mockery followed him along. He had to resist the urge of looking back. Instead, Suga bit down on his lower lip to supress a smile, while walking towards the Sakanoshita market with cheeks painted in soft red.


	8. Asahi - he

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they could not be more far apart. 
> 
> content notes: anxiety attack

[01:31 PM]: _Sugawara Kōshi, may I invite you to a super-secret date on Saturday?_

A picture of Oikawa in his Aoba Johsai volleyball uniform was sent along, him posing with his usual flirty wink while balancing a volleyball on the tip of his finger. Daichi snorted next to him which made Suga blush. First, he had been eager to show them Oikawa's messages, now he seemed embarrassed and tried to hide his phone.

The third-years were at their lunch break on their second day of training camp and Suga had told them about his last meeting with Oikawa but a moment ago. Apparently, they had been exchanging messages back and forth over the last days. Asahi wasn't sure what to think of it. Oikawa had hurt Suga's feelings, however, their friend was able to look out for himself and he appeared so happy with the recent development of their relationship that he didn't want to rain on his parade. Then there was Daichi, who definitely wasn't okay with any of this and made no efforts to hide it. He was stuffing his face with food, grumbling under his breath and rolling his eyes. Unusually theatrically for Karasuno's calm captain. Asahi chuckled.

"Look at you, Suga. Going on dates with a king."

"Oh, it's a joke, you know", Suga answered but he was blushing a bit while putting his phone away. "We play volleyball and chat, nothing else."

"Collaborating with the enemy...", Daichi muttered grimly.

"Come on, Daichi, let them have some fun. Suga might learn a few tricks we can use."

"Or tell a few tricks they can use against us."

"I would never!", Suga blew his cheeks and gave Daichi a slight punch right between the ribs, which made the other one cough. They started to wrestle a bit on their chairs while Asahi leaned back on his seat, watching them. Normally they stayed calm compared to the rest of the team but the past minutes those two had been all over each other. "We are just friends."

"Hmpf", Daichi grumbled once more before he decided to leave it be. "Every man forges his own destiny, I guess it can't be helped."

Suga and Asahi burst into laughter only to be interrupted by Tanaka and Nishinoya, who - as always - had eaten all their food in record time and squeezed themselves next to them at the table. Yesterday Nishinoya had spent his lunch break running with Hinata but today he seemed in the mood of gracing them with his presence.

Not that Asahi minded. Since his embarrassing breakdown in the clubroom, neither of them had spoken a word about it. Daichi had kept it a secret as well. As much as Asahi was thankful for it, he was a bit gloomy they hadn't been able to have another deep conversation. So far it just had been about volleyball and food - although their last time alone had felt so meaningful. But maybe he had been reading too much into it, as he tended to do because he was, well, Asahi.

Either way, he watched Nishinoya laughing at Suga's and Daichi's quarrels with each other and admired the sparks in his eyes for a second longer than would be appropriate. His heart found its rhythm with the sound of Nishinoya's captivating laughter, a slight heat creeping up his neck. Asahi looked back down at the table, the corner of his mouth curling upwards into a soft smile. He couldn't help it. Nishinoya's presence always made him want to smile.

"Asahi-san!", he stubbed his toe on the table leg because Nishinoya's voice startled him so much.

"Hm?"

"Ryuu and I saw the guitar case you brought along. Can you play us something?"

"Uuh", what did they mean, they saw it? Asahi had made sure to hide it under all his other luggage and in the darkest corner of the lounge. Had they been snooping around? Well, to be fair, it wouldn't be surprising for Karasuno's troublemakers. He could feel their eyes on him. Everyone gave him their undivided attention. Asahi gulped. "I can't play, I merely started..."

"Amazing!", Tanaka yelled. "Now you look like a real rockstar, Asahi-san!"

"Oh, well, I don't know about th-"

"You could practice and we listen along!"

Damn, these two were pretty persistent. Asahi sought help by staring at Daichi and Suga but one look at their faces made clear, they wouldn't come to his aid. Instead, both of them appeared equally excited so now it was four of his friend staring at him, waiting to give them a show.

"How come you didn't tell us about your new talent, Asahi!", Suga complained.

"What type of music do you play?", Daichi asked.

"You guys, really, I can't-"

Ukai-san entered their kitchen and shouted for everyone to hurry up so they could resume training and Asahi had never been so thankful about getting yelled at. It was the perfect opportunity to get everyone's gaze off of him. Before following everyone, he paced to the lounge and tried to find his guitar case, determined to hide it somewhere else. Tanaka and Nishinoya had dug it up underneath all the other luggage. _Those noisy idiots_ , Asahi thought. He picked it up and looked for a better hideaway.

"I bet you could leave a lasting impression on Nishinoya if you played for us", Suga's voice echoed through the lounge and with a few bouncy steps he was right next to him, grinning knowingly.

"Suga! Don't sneak up on me like that."

"Otherwise you just keep hiding from us! I mean, I haven't told anybody yet but you kinda have a _thing_ for Nishinoya, huh?", his eyebrow wiggled suggestively and made Asahi blush. He turned around to avoid Suga's insightful glance and muttered under his breath but no coherent words came out. He should've seen it coming - Suga was way too perceptive to not notice his stares towards their libero. And the way he made him so nervous.

"Could we not call it a _thing_?", Asahi finally managed to get out. "That sounds so gross."

"Ah, Asahi", Suga patted him on the shoulder. "Does that mean you have purely platonic admiration for him?"

"You spend too much time with Oikawa, you already find joy in mocking other people."

"Nah, I always took pleasure in teasing you", finally Asahi turned back towards his friend. Suga ruffled himself through the light-grey hair and seemed pretty contented with himself. "But I'm not mean so here I am, offering to be your wingman."

"It's not like you think so, no, thanks", Asahi grabbed his guitar case, still unsure where to hide it, and made his way past Suga or at least he wanted to leave him behind, however, Suga usually didn't let one off the hook so easily.

"Really? So Nishinoya's smiles at you are just friendship as well?"

His tone was provoking to get a reaction from him, an obvious trap, but Asahi fell for it regardless. He always did. Suga simply knew how to get to him. So he almost dropped his guitar case when the excitement jolted through his body.

"H-He smiles at me?"

"You don't notice because he is behind you on the court but I can see it pretty clear from the sidelines, yeah", Suga grinned. "So tonight you should get over your nerves and just play something for us. Nothing sexier than a guy looking like a rock star actually being a rock star, eh?"

"I think you overestimate my skills a bit", Asahi could feel the nervousness welling up inside his stomach. A feeling of dull anxiety, still under control but able to evolve into something wreaking havoc and pushing him to his limits - an experience he didn't want to relive in any way. Training camp had turned out to be his safe haven. Around his friends there was no time for depression: he could force those feelings to back down in the back of his head. If there wasn't a calm moment, he couldn't fall for them. But the dark prospect of failing tonight and making a fool out of himself in front of their libero was stealing away his calmness.

It was Suga's hands grabbing his shoulders tightly that brought Asahi back into reality. His friend looked up to him and smiled at him with such confidence and trust it made him gasp.

"Stop thinking of everything going wrong already", Suga demanded and reminded him of Daichi. "You'll be great. Now let's get to training before Ukai-san notices we are late."

*********** 

"Uhm...", an invisible string hovered around his neck, restless to choke him any second now. Asahi's eyes widened when he looked into the excited faces of his teammates. They were in their dorm room, some of them sitting on their futons, others, like Nishinoya and Suga, kneeling right in front of him. At least the first-years were still in the bath, however, Asahi was scared stiff regardless. He had thought it would be only the five of them but now the other second-years had joined too and there were maybe five to ten more minutes until Hinata and the others would come back.

He gulped. The window was in his back. It was dark outside, a clear sky, a perfect night to sit on the windowsill and play the guitar. Well, alone his room not in front of an audience. He caught Suga's encouraging smile. His friend gave him a thumbs-up and Nishinoya next to him, watched him with his honey brown eyes, a lively look that never ceased to amaze Asahi. However, right now Nishinoya's eager expression wasn't helpful at all. Asahi leaned against the window behind him and put up the guitar, which caused Tanaka and Nishinoya to cheer. Although he knew they wanted to get up his confidence, their cheering caused the opposite.

Asahi felt his fingers becoming stiff, his wrist almost started to hurt under the weight of the instrument. A hoarse cough escaped his lips, leaving behind a lump in his throat. Little, cold drops of sweat formed on his neck and the next time he inhaled, there was no air reaching his lungs. The room around him seemed to shrink as Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were back from the bathroom and joined them as well. His eyes flickered over the little crowd of familiar faces, a fact, which should calm him down, however, it just got worse. Knowing all these people and being loved by them meant he would hurt them if he messed up. Disappoint each and every one of them just as he had done before during volleyball. His fingers wouldn't move. Asahi's eyes found Nishinoya's, who was still sitting in front of him but his excited expression had changed into a frown. Barely visible, yet, Asahi noticed the slight change in the corner of Nishinoya's mouth since he had watched his face so often in the past. Finally, the string around his neck had pulled tight, sinking into his skin, making no more room for air.

 _This can't be happening. Not again_!, frantically Asahi tried to relax but the more he tried the louder the blood was pounding in his ears.

"S-Sorry! I can't-", he couldn't make up an excuse. It was too much. With trembling knees he stumbled past all of them, leaving the room and hurrying down the hallway to get as much distance as possible between them. Asahi tried to shut out everything else, in case Nishinoya had let out a frustrated sigh or any other comment towards him. He wasn't sure if he could take it this time. Once more he had turned out to be the biggest disappointment in Karasuno.

After a while of pacing up and down the hallway, he found himself back in the lounge next to the vending machines and plopped down on a sofa. His muscles ached from tensing so much as if he had run up the mountain with Nishinoya. Asahi hugged his guitar while hot tears welled up in his eyes. Why did he have to be so weak? So scared? Why couldn't he simply enjoy life like everyone else? Why had there to be something wrong with him?

An ace should lead even off the court. Every ace he had met so far had been quite the presence and somewhat intimidating. He was neither. Just a stupid teen with too many emotions playing tricks on him. The boy with the heart of glass, Daichi and Suga used to call him whenever he got upset at other people talking about him because it always affected him so much. He couldn't simply shake it off as Nishinoya did. He wasn't a storm, he was not even a drop of rain. He was nothing.

**[Note: If you want to listen along to Asahi's song,["He"](https://youtu.be/AR7APn5pFX4) open this link in a new tab]**

The thought of thunderstorms reminded him of the morning before Nishinoya had shown up in front of his house. Instinctively, Asahi straightened his back and brought the guitar into position. When he closed his eyes he could bring himself back there, sitting on the windowsill, his nose breathing in the fresh air after a storm. Thunder rumbling in the distance. The smell of wet asphalt and approaching summer.

Gently, his fingers stroked over the strings. A single note, hovering in the room, tickling his ears. Asahi kept his eyes shut and repeated the motion of his hand. Mountain air caressing his sweaty skin in the middle of the street. Nishinoya jogging back towards him, grabbing his wrist, saying he forgave him for leaving. Asahi's wrist loosened up and he kept plucking the strings.

_"I'd never tell_

_No, I'd never say a word_

_And oh, it aches_

_But it feels oddly good to hurt_

_Oh-oh ooh, ooh, ooh-oh"_

Raindrops falling on them, drenching their clothes. Running down the mountain, almost slipping, encouraging each other to press on. He could even hear the steps. Not sure if in his imagination or reality, it didn't matter. He had to hurry. There was a storm coming and he had to chase it. A thunderstorm, _his_ thunderstorm, he tried to keep up with.

_"And I'll be okay_

_Admiring from afar_

_'Cause even when he's next to me_

_We could not be more far apart_

_And he tastes like birthday cake and storytime and fall_

_But to him, I taste of nothing at all."_

When the last echo of his voice had subsided, cheers resonated through the lounge. Loud encouragement that pulled him out of his vision of him and Nishinoya on this faithful morning and even though he wanted to keep his eyes shut, he knew he had to step out of the memory. Slowly, Asahi peeked past his eyelashes and saw Suga, Daichi and Tanaka standing right next to the vending machines, applauding him.

"That was amazing, Asahi!", Suga smiled happily.

"A bit sappy but I guess that's just how you roll, Asahi-san!", Tanaka yelled.

"You have such a great singing voice!", Daichi nodded.

But it was the person behind them, leaning in the doorway and watching from a distance, unusually quiet for his otherwise wild personality, whose reaction Asahi wanted to see. Nishinoya had buried his hands in the pockets of his shorts, his usually energetic posture was now almost shy as if he wanted to blend into the background. Soft tones of red covering his cheeks and nose, his mouth was forming a perfect little O without making any sound. When their eyes met, Nishinoya looked away and pushed his body off the doorway. He left before the others could notice him.

"Thanks", Asahi whispered. "I messed up upstairs, though. It was so overwhelming, I'm sorry."

"Don't you dare apologize!", they squeezed next to him on the sofa. Suga ruffled through his hair and Tanaka punched his upper arm. Maybe he hadn't been that bad, Asahi thought. It was hard to doubt himself when his friends were so supportive. But Nishinoya...

Had he been leaving because he had hated Asahi's performance? Or because he had seen through it, understood who he had meant with every syllable coming out of his mouth, and felt betrayed? Or worse, disgusted? They had never talked about it but Nishinoya wasn't one to hide his admiration for certain girls, like Shimizu. He could gush about pretty girls with Tanaka for ages; Asahi had never thought about it because for him it was clear there was no chance of him ever getting with Nishinoya. It was a crush, a cruel one because you couldn't escape the yearning for his smile, his touch, his sight, but still just a crush.

Asahi knew he was lying to himself to stay calm. A heart of glass was beating inside his chest. And he wasn't ready to have it shattered yet. Even though Nishinoya's leaving was probably exactly that. A thunder cracking fragile glass into a thousand pieces. What had he been thinking?! Singing a song about him in the middle of the common room like a lovesick fool?!

While everyone around him was chatting, Asahi had a frown on his face and felt the exhaustion coming back. Everything in him wanted to avoid their dorm room, however, it was getting late already and he couldn't keep hiding forever. So they made their way back and finally got a bit more quiet as they entered back to where the team was sleeping. Asahi sneaked past everyone and was tempted to move his futon but everyone else was already sound asleep and he didn't want to wake them.

Avoiding a glimpse to his right side, where Nishinoya was hiding under his blanket right next to his futon, he put his guitar right above his pillow and slipped between the sheets. This was torture. Asahi had felt so free while playing, absorbed in the daydreams that kept him sane and now he had to face the consequences. Or rather, try to avoid the consequences. Sleep wouldn't come easily as long as his mind was busy creating horror scenarios of a Nishinoya, who wanted to leave the team because he messed up so badly or their libero looking at him with disgust.

Asahi tossed and turned on his futon while everyone else was falling asleep. Tanaka's snoring echoed through the room, accompanied by a little softer snore from Hinata in the back. Not that he minded. He couldn't sleep anyway. His mind was wide awake. Frustration mixed with his fear of tomorrow as he threw himself around to the right side just to stare right into Nishinoya's eyes.

The smaller one had pulled up the blanket above his head, however, he had left a small gap for his face to be able to peek back at Asahi. His hair strands weren't styled upwards anymore but almost reached his eyes now with the cute little tuft of blonde hair right in between. Nishinoya placed the blanket over his nose. Asahi froze in place under his sheets, unable to look away. If only he could get a good read on the libero so he knew what to expect tomorrow-

"I don't think we are that far apart", Nishinoya's voice was muffled and quiet and for a second Asahi thought his mind had played a trick on him but then he realized what he was referring to.

 _'Cause even when he's next to me_

_We could not be more far apart_

Nishinoya's hand found its way out of the blanket, reaching between them. Even in the dim light of the moon shining into their dorm room, Asahi could make out the little bruises that usually covered Nishinoya's arms and wrist. He kept his fingers stretched and stopped in the middle of them.

Another glance of his honey brown eyes - while the libero tended to be loud and impulsive, cheering them on and hyping them up, now he was just as he was on the court. Quiet.

Reaching out to him as if waiting for a ball to receive, patiently expecting his reaction.

Asahi put out his hand and watched how it slid over the floor until their fingertips met. Their beds were arranged about one metre apart but it felt as close as they had ever been. He didn't dare to answer Nishinoya, too scared he would ruin the moment. Their fingers interlocked, Nishinoya's small palm resting against his. Asahi could easily stroke over the skin on the back of the smaller one's hand but he held back and instead let his fingertips run over Nishinoya's knuckles.

Nishinoya snuggled deeper into his pillow without letting go. A slight squeeze around Asahi's hand before he closed his eyes, holding onto him. Karasuno's ace kept still for another minute, simply watching. It didn't take long until Nishinoya's chest was going up and down at a peaceful pace; he had fallen asleep. Just like that. While holding his hand. Because he didn't feel disgusted, no, if he could sleep while doing so, didn't that mean he considered himself safe?

At least this was what Asahi was feeling. Forgetting about everyone else in the room, Asahi clung to Nishinoya's hand, afraid he was already dreaming. But the connection of their fingers, his warm palm against his, this was very much real. He didn't want to fall asleep. He could spend hours simply admiring Nishinoya but when he finally embraced the warm feeling inside his chest, even Asahi couldn't fight the urge to sleep anymore.


	9. Kenma - a captain shatters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kenma meets a new friend.

Lightning jolted from his feet as he charged up his jump, desperately trying to reach the boulder above him. But despite his power, he couldn't make it up and fell back to the ground. However, not all the way down so he took a second attempt. To the right he saw the yellow sparkles, announcing the incoming demons that would try to shoot him down in a few seconds. He ran over the platform and finally, with the right combination of buttons, he made it up to the final stage.

Tora yelled in excitement next to him and Kenma's finger slipped cause of the loud sound right next to his ear. The character missed the next platform and he fell right through all the other stages back to the beginning of _Thunderstep_. His golden eyes glared through his hair strands, right at Tora, who at least had the decency to look ashamed. A deep sigh parted Kenma's lips.

"Okay, I'll try again tomorrow", he gave Tora the PSP back and flopped down on his futon.

"Sorry, Kenma."

"It's fine", his voice sounded annoyed but it wasn't Tora's fault. The game had just been a distraction from his thoughts and his sore muscles. Training camp had been tough so far - days filled with exercise, one after another and a big game against Karasuno coming up was enough for Kenma to feel exhausted. Plus, his legs hurt terribly and were as heavy as lead. It was no secret he had the least stamina of all of Nekoma. Formerly, Tora would've bugged him about that, insisted he joined him in his insane workout but today he knew better. And Kenma was extremely thankful for that. Tora went over to bug the first-years, who just were coming back from their bath and Kenma rolled over on his belly to check his phone.

The third-years hadn't come back from their bath and were probably hanging out in the common room. Kenma wasn't sure if he could convince his legs to go down the stairs to join them and yawned. On the other hand, he missed hanging out with Kuro. That may sound weird but the whole week they had all been cramped together and he craved their quiet train rides together, just the two of them. Tired, Kenma got up and shuffled downstairs.

He could hear them talk about the Interhigh Preliminaries before he reached the bottom of the stairs. Lately, they were discussing nothing else whenever they were among themselves. Kenma knew how much the tournament meant to Kuro. As the rest of Nekoma, he was determined to give his best. It was Kuro's last chance if he didn't resume playing and he wanted them to succeed. He remained on the last step, peeking around the corner, not sure if he still wanted to join them.

Yaku sat cross-legged on the armchair, gesturing wildly and Nobuyuki, calm as always, smiled at his temper. Kuro had claimed a whole sofa for himself, legs thrown over the armrest and hands tucked behind his head.

"...so we need to step up our game, we still suck compared to Fukurōdani."

"Yakkun. If you'd put the energy you spend on trashing on us into training, we would easily make Bokuto-san cry, you know", Kuro snickered and groaned when a pillow came flying and hit his belly. Kenma snorted, causing the other ones to notice him. He nodded and crept through the room before plopping down next to Kuro on the sofa.

"Lev's incompetence drains all my energy, what can I do?"

"He's talented but his receives suck."

"Coach Nekomata said he won't join us against Karasuno."

"Guess he's determined to win against them, then", Yaku sneered.

"Cats versus crows, nature already determined who wins anyway."

"You really are a pair of smugs", Nobuyuki chimed into their bickering.

Kenma scrolled through his phone while listening. He wasn't keen to participate in their conversation, however, he listened to every word. Kuro shifted his body closer and placed his bedhead in Kenma's lap. Nekoma's setter lifted his leg to push him off and Kuro pretended to grab for his phone. He rolled his eyes and remained still. Technically, Kenma had nothing against Kuro using him as a pillow and it wasn't the first time either, however, during the past days he had made sure to stay out of Yaku's line of fire.

After his talk with Kuro about crushes, which had been incredibly awkward and had haunted him for a few days, Kenma had come to the conclusion Yaku might misinterpret the relationship with Kuro. He wasn't an expert but Kuro hadn't made any moves that would reveal they were in a steady relationship, whereas Yaku had tried to get his attention more than usual. On top of that, Kenma believed Kuro when he said he had never been in love. He could read him pretty well, after all.

Their libero sent a glare towards Kenma but didn't comment any further.

"Kenma saw one of their middle blockers. He's a shrimp, about your height, Yakkun."

"HUH? Who do you call shrimp, fucking rooster head!", Yaku blew up his cheeks and threw a second pillow their way. Before it could hit Kuro in the face, their captain caught it with one hand.

"Sloppy serve, Yakkun! See, bashing us and too weak to throw a pillow properly."

"You better run before I throw _you_!", Yaku jumped out of the chair towards them, which caused Kuro to bounce off the sofa and dash behind it. They chased each other around the couch accompanied by Kuro's laughter and Yaku's cursing, while Kenma turned his head to watch them.

" _Guys_...", their vice-captain gave up quickly, his gentle voice way too quiet to get through their shenanigans. Yaku tried to reach Kuro's arm but the other one leapt out of his reach, almost stumbling over the coffee table next to them. Both of their faces were red, Yaku's from yelling and Kuro's from laughter. Kenma noticed the mischief sparkling in Kuro's obsidian eyes and his lips tugged into a smile. He couldn't help it. Kuro could be incredibly childish and while it might annoy him sometimes, seeing the joy on his face always cheered him up.

When Yaku finally got a hold of him, they tumbled backwards. The seam of Kuro's shirt tore under Yaku's fingers and suddenly the libero had nothing to hold onto. He fell but Yaku had great reflexes and was used to dive on the court, so he could break his fall easily. Kuro, however, was caught completely off-guard. A loud clattering echoed through the room when Kuro crashed onto the glassy coffee table with the back of his head.

" _Kuroo-san_!"

" _Kuro_!"

Kenma and Yaku shouted in unison and within the blink of an eye, Kenma had jumped over the armrest of the sofa and was kneeling next to his best friend. He almost tripped over his own feet, body trembling with sudden adrenaline and fear, and barely avoided a shard.

"Careful!", Nobuyuki said, keeping his distance.

Kuro groaned, shards of glass glinting between his dark hair strands. Yaku and Kenma, sitting on each side of him, leaned over him with a worried look. The table was destroyed and the glass was shattered all over the white carpet underneath. A soft stream of crimson gnawed into its texture underneath Kuro's head.

"You are bleeding", Kenma whispered, a lump forming in his throat.

"I'm fine", Kuro sat up way too quickly and every hue of colour disappeared from his cheeks.

"I'm gonna get Naoi-san", their vice-captain ran off.

"I said I'm fine", his grumble shifted into a painful moan. Kuro reached for the back of his head and when he pulled the hand back, blood was dripping from his fingers. The sight made Kenma nauseous. He bit down his lip, trying to keep it together. "Fuck."

"I'm sorry, Kuroo", Yaku's eyes shimmered when he reached for Kuro's other hand and squeezed it.

"I should've known it, you always dream about ripping my clothes off, eh?", he chuckled and his words let Yaku flush, pulling his hand away. It was a weird Kuro-joke but under the current circumstances it felt different and Kenma knew, for Yaku, it must've hurt. Suddenly, he felt sorry for their libero. The whole situation was a mess.

"Can you stop with your stupid jokes?", he chimed in. "You can't get hurt right before Prelims, idiot. Watch your step." He sounded angrier than he was but it was the fear for Kuro's well-being that spoke out of Kenma. Seeing the blood on his fingers and how pale he looked - Kenma couldn't simply keep calm right now.

"It was my fault, don't yell at him.", Yaku glared at him but Kenma just scowled back.

"Okay, kitty cats, cut it", Kuro tilted his head when Yaku started to pluck the shards out of his hair. "I sense some unnecessary tension when there should be sincere compassion for your poor captain. You could get me some snacks-"

Kenma rolled his eyes. It was typical for Kuro to not show any weakness, trying to hide pain behind meaningless banter and distract from himself whenever he was feeling down. Their captain had dedicated himself to be their pillar of support and didn't allow it the other way round. Well, apart from when they were alone but with Yaku around, Kenma doubted he would catch a glimpse of Kuro's real feelings.

It didn't matter. He knew all too well how he must feel right now. Scared there would be something seriously wrong, scared he wouldn't be able to play at their practice matches and at the tournament. Also scared if he had to go to the doctors because Kuro hated going to the doctor - despite telling everybody to watch their health constantly, Nekoma's captain despised hospitals and infirmaries.

He could hear Nobuyuki and their coaches approaching. Both Kenma and Yaku helped Kuro back on his feet - the way he was shifting under their grip was alarming and Kenma refused to look back at the carpet covered with shards and blood. His throat felt dry and he pushed his hands on Kuro's side, glancing up at him. Their eyes met for a brief second and Kuro's mask broke like porcelain, Kenma detected the fear in his dilated pupils.

"It'll be okay", he whispered under his breath when the adults took over Kuro and lead him out of the room. "Text me."

"We gonna bring him to the hospital, you guys clean up the mess and then go to bed. We talk about this tomorrow", Naoi-san ordered and gently guided Kuro outside. The three of them fell behind, standing in the doorframe of the common room and watched in silence as Kuro entered Coach Naoi's car and they all drove off together.

"This is all my fault", Yaku squeezed out.

Kenma didn't object. He couldn't make room in his head to feel sorry for their libero, he was way too worried about Kuro. Even though he had just left, Kenma scanned his phone for a text. Of course, he hadn't sent any but he needed to do something to calm his nerves. He left the other third-years, ignoring the chaos in the lounge - if Yaku felt guilty, he should clean up the mess by himself - and paced through their lodging without any clear direction.

Maybe it was unfair of him to blame everything on Yaku. They had been fooling around which wasn't a rarity in their team. Especially Tora and the new first-years could be quite energetic but normally everybody was a lot more careful. Yaku hadn't seemed angry at Kuro when he had started to chase him around, so Kenma wasn't sure if it had been a move to simply grab for Kuro's attention, in which case Yaku deserved all the blame. If he wanted to be Kuro's boyfriend so badly, he should just ask him instead of playing stupid and dangerous plots.

Kenma sighed, mind racing. He really needed to talk with Kuro about this. He couldn't stand it when they had secrets, especially not when their secrets caused so much trouble. While checking his phone every 30 seconds, Kenma found himself in the kitchen without any clue how he got here.

It was dark but the glassy sliding door at the end of the room, which led outside, was partly opened. Kenma shuffled towards it and stopped half-way when he spotted movement outside. A small shadow scurried past the door and squeezed itself through the opening.

Yellow eyes reflected in the light of Kenma's phone and a demanding _meow_ resonated through the kitchen. Kenma turned on the switch and revealed a gruff-looking, black stray cat standing next to the counter, studying him with huge, yellow eyes.

"Hey, you", he whispered and crouched down.

The cat looked way too thin to be healthy and its fur was matted, especially around the neck. A part of its right ear was missing. A fluffy tail went straight upwards when Kenma kneeled down and curiously, the cat approached. Kenma noticed it was all black apart from its pink nose and toe beans. Even though it probably had fleas or something worse, Kenma reached out his hand to let it sniff.

"You look like a mess", he commented, while the cat stubbed its nose against his knuckles before losing interest and turning around to inspect the kitchen. "You look like Kuro", a chuckle escaped him. The fluffy fur on the neck and between the big ears really reminded him of Kuro's hair.

The cat let hear another demanding meow.

"Are you hungry? Let's see what we have", they weren't allowed to get food from the fridge without asking but he wasn't even allowed to be in here this late, so Kenma didn't really care. Both of their coaches had driven off with Kuro anyway. After a while he found some leftovers from dinner, some meat and some raw salmon. Kenma glanced over his shoulder. The cat sat patiently towards his feet and watched his every step. "Fish or meat? Lemme see if you really are a Kuro-cat."

He presented both of the treats towards the cat, which made a little jump backwards, startled by him crouching down again, before it slowly gathered enough courage to steal the salmon out of his fingers and ran away with its prey.

"Yep. Definitely a Kurocat. The name is fitting", he tilted his head to catch another glimpse of the animal, greedily devouring the fish. "You are black after all."

Kenma grabbed a plate and put the remaining pieces of salmon on it. He placed it on the floor and sat down next to it. Yellow eyes peeked at him from under a chair, still not fully trusting him. Kenma pushed the plate further towards the cat and grabbed his phone.

"You can eat. I won't watch", he muttered at the screen.

His phone vibrated and the sound spooked the cat, causing it to disappear under a dining table. Kenma opened the message he had gotten from Kuro.

[11:46 PM]: _Just a laceration. Four stitches!_

He almost sounded proud. Kenma snorted but it switched into a relieved laugh. He pressed the phone against his chest and closed his eyes for a second. For a moment back there, he had been terribly scared. Of course, injuries could happen during a game, however, he had never pictured Kuro getting hurt - no, he always was the one carrying the hurt ones. He was their captain after all.

Fuck, he missed him.

Kenma drew in his legs and hugged his knees, placing his chin on top. Kurocat had decided he wasn't a threat anymore and was happily eating his salmon. They needed to get it together before the Prelims. Nekoma was struggling because he couldn't be on top of his game while this Yaku-thing still hovered over them. Kenma didn't want to confront Yaku again but he knew he had to talk to his best friend. Even though he had no clue how to maneuver this conversation.

"You know, I don't have a crush or something but I think you shouldn't have sex with Yaku", he told the cat, who was ignoring him, busy with food. "It destroys the balance of the team."

God, that sounded awful. What kinda approach was that?

_Crushes have nothing to do with it. Focus on the team part._

"Kuro, having sex with a team member is a horrible idea. You could destroy the balance of the team"

Better.

Kurocat stretched himself and plopped down next to the empty plate, yellow eyes studying Kenma's face. He blinked at him and grabbed his phone to text back.

[11:57 PM]: _Fortune favours fools._

Kurocat meowed.


	10. Suga - shards of mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Suga walks into a sea of glass.
> 
> content note: underage drug use

Why did he feel like a criminal trying to escape a cell? It was not like that anybody of his team would force him to stay here - apart from Daichi probably but their captain was snoring right next to him and the way his eyelids flickered, he was having some intense dream. Suga crawled out of his sheets and slipped into comfortable long joggers, still wearing his sleep shirt. He sneaked past his team sleeping peacefully and glanced through the room before opening the door to make sure nobody was awake. A hurried glance captured the image of Asahi and Nishinoya, both asleep, holding hands. Suga couldn't help but smile at the serene scene. So Asahi's little song finally had broken through the awkwardness of both of them dancing around each other, he thought.

With one last grin towards his friends, Suga clenched his phone tightly in his hand and left the dorm room. He sneaked down the hallway and peeked out of the windows but he couldn't make him out just yet. This was insane. Each step further away from the warmth of his bed, made his heart flutter with nervousness. Sneaking out late at night to meet someone while their teacher was sleeping one room away - he had never been this adventurous.

In front of the exit of their training camp, Suga put on his shoes. Before opening the last door, he took a deep breath. There wasn't even a logical reason for why he was so nervous. Pretty sure Oikawa at night was the same as Oikawa during the day. Maybe it was the way they had decided to meet. In secret and somewhat spontaneous because at dinner, Seijoh's captain had told him he planned to drop by, bringing a surprise. Suga wasn't a fan of surprises. Especially not of those Oikawa could come up with. It probably was something scary or dumb. Or both.

Even though he had anticipated him, it was weird seeing him standing under the light of the street lamp. Oikawa was dressed in casual clothes with his long, white Aoba Johsai jacket on top. When Suga approached, he waved at him with this big smile that usually meant trouble but made Suga excited nonetheless.

"Yoohoo, my favourite setter beside me", well, it was an improvement from _number two_ , Suga thought with a slight twitch of the corner of his mouth. "I brought you a gift~!"

"Oikawa, hey", he looked around. Seijoh's captain hadn't bothered to lower his tone and he was afraid someone would see them. Suga pulled him out of the cone of light, away from the lantern and closer to the building. "What kind of gift couldn't wait 'til the weekend?"

"One you can use at your practice match against Nekoma", Oikawa let himself get dragged along, grinning down at Suga. He seemed alarmingly delighted. As much as he could see through his attitude, there were still some chapters about Oikawa that made no sense at all.

"I'm all ears."

"Oh no, I can't just give to you here", of course not. Suga sighed internally. How foolish of him to think any interaction with Oikawa would go over easily. He watched how the other one scanned their surroundings and then pointed at the van Takeda-sensei had rented for them and which they had used to get to their Seijoh match. "Let's get inside."

"What?"

"Let's get in the car."

"Oikawa, that car belongs to our teacher, we can't simply go in there."

"Why? Are you missing the key?"

"Well, for the one part, yes. Also, it's forbidden-"

"Suga-chan", Oikawa purred. "If you always go strictly by the book you'll never have fun in volleyball or... _life_." Goosebumps rushed down his neck and spine when he heard the hummed new nickname, a feeling as if he had missed a step going down the stairs.

"Not sure what breaking into my teacher's car has to do with having fun in volleyball."

"Technically it's not breaking in if we have the key."

" _Technically-_ ", Suga started but Oikawa cut him off by opening the door to their lodging and slipping inside. "Oikawa! Are you out of your mind?!", his voice was a weird stage whisper, slightly cracking because he couldn't believe his eyes. Suga hurried to keep up with him and seconds later, was sneaking right next to him up to their sleeping quarters.

He roamed around surprisingly quiet for being this tall and muscular, Suga thought. You couldn't hear any of his steps. Shoulders leaning forward, he looked like a predator on the hunt but at the same time, every movement seemed so lively and daring as if he wanted to get caught. Oikawa stopped on the upper floor and smirked at him: "So? Where is the key?"

Suga gulped. What was he getting into? Normally, when others proposed crazy ideas as Noya and Tanaka did, he would encourage them but stay out of it. Oikawa had pulled him into this with his sheer presence, which still felt like a magnet, drawing him in. Of course, he knew where the key was, however, he couldn't get it. They would get into so much trouble and Takeda-sensei was such a sweet guy, he couldn't break his trust. His eyes glanced at the door to his teacher's room before he shook his head and grabbed for Oikawa's sleeve: "Let's get back outside, please."

Seijoh's captain leaned down until their faces were on the same level and winked at him as he had done plenty of times before. However, this time it felt different. The thought of doing something forbidden and being on this stealthy mission had made Suga be on edge. His heart skipped a beat when Oikawa went on: "Suga-chan, I dare you to get the key. I'll give you a surprise as a reward."

Suga's mind went in a whole other direction than Oikawa handing him a simple present. Heat crept up his neck to his jawline and cheeks; why did that sound so dirty? Yes, Oikawa was a master of this flirtatious, tempting tone, yet Suga had always been capable to see through it. Right now he wasn't able to detect any mockery at all. Another gulp. His throat felt sore.

"A-Alright", he heard himself saying and before he could question his decision, he found himself in front of Takeda's door, sliding it open with shivering fingertips. Their sensei was fast asleep and Suga could hear his steady breathing, joined by the loud, fast heartbeats inside his chest that almost hurt against his ribcage. Oikawa loomed over him like a tree, blocking the doorway and watching his every move. He could see the joy in his eyes. He got a kick out of Suga being all jittery. Suga walked into the room and looked for Takeda's bag.

In his head, he stuttered apology after apology at his teacher. Never would he have thought he'd once break his trust like this. This was so creepy. So wrong. But fuck, Suga was excited and the adrenalin rushing through his veins was a feeling so intense he never experienced before. Especially whenever he looked back at Oikawa, who cut off his escape, hands placed left and right on the doorframe.

Takeda's bag was put next to the window and Suga kneeled next to it. The moonlight bathed the room in merely enough light to make out the zipper and Suga opened it in slow-motion, when Takeda let out a short snore and turned around. He froze in place and didn't dare to look over his shoulder. _Please be asleep, please be asleep._

"Hurry up, Suga-chan~", Oikawa's voice was loud enough to wake him up easily and on top of that, the sudden noise made Suga gasp. One hand pressed on his mouth while it felt his heart would entirely jump out of his throat, the other frantically shuffled inside the bag and searched for the key. Fucking Oikawa, he really wanted to torture him. He had it easy, he could simply escape whenever Takeda blinked, leaving him behind with all the trouble.

The touch of cool metal met his fingertips and Suga fished the car keys out of the bag. A shy glance towards his teacher, who was still sound asleep. He inhaled and bit down his lower lip while crossing the room. Suga only started to breathe, when the door behind them was closed again. His palm clenched tightly around the keys in his hand until the metal hurt his skin.

"Good job!", Oikawa praised him like a little child and strutted past him, already making his way down to the exit again. Suga needed a moment to collect his thoughts. This had been way more intense than he had anticipated. But he had made it. Now it was time for Oikawa's surprise. Suga's knees were weak when he followed the taller one downstairs and he started to play with the keys between his fingers nervously to keep his mind at ease.

However, he still felt like a lousy criminal when he unlocked the van and paused in front of it. Suddenly entering the vehicle appeared even more forbidden than stealing the keys. This was his last chance of turning around and pretending it never happened. _Just put the keys back and go to sleep_ , his voice of reason, sounding surprisingly similar to Daichi in tone, echoed inside his head. But he didn't want to. Whatever it was that Oikawa did to him, it was new, it was bold and he wanted to take a risk - just this once.

So they climbed into the back of the van, sitting next to each other on the back seat after closing the door behind them. Oikawa stretched his arms and let out a content sigh. With a swift gesture, he opened his jacket to reveal a simple black shirt and grabbed for the inner pockets. Suga stared out of the car, checking if anybody had noticed but every window stayed dark. No one had woken up, no one was following them. The van was relatively cold apart from Oikawa's body warmth to his left. His thigh leaned next to Suga's and emanated heat. They were even closer to each other than in the cinema, Suga realised. And it was much more private, too. Shutting the car door had separated them from the outer world.

"There we go", Oikawa held up a translucent small plastic bag with three turquoise pills inside.

Suga immediately grasped what was going on.

" _Drugs?_ You came here to bring _drugs_? What the fuck is wrong with you, Oikawa?!"

"Would you calm down? You are even worse than Iwa-chan", Oikawa rolled his eyes, still grinning as if he just had gifted Suga the best present of his life. "I prefer the name cognitive enhancer."

"Doesn't matter how you call it, it's still illegal."

"Well, not everywhere."

"But illegal in Japan, right? That's why you came here in the middle of the night-"

"These", Oikawa flicked his finger against the pills. "Will make you think like Tobio-chan."

"Nonsense."

"People call them _genius pills_.", he mustered the strong, saturated cyan of the pills, similar to Aoba Johsai's school colour and sighed. "I like to call them mindshards."

"Shards? Like from glass?"

"Yes. Because they make you aware of everything going on. Your surroundings become clear as glass."

"Y-You have actually tried them?"

"Suga-chan, do you think I'd give them to you if I hadn't tried them myself?"

"Uh", Suga didn't know how to respond. Oikawa was so hard to read. One time he seemed like the most reckless person then he proved to be actually empathetic. His ambiguous nature was what drew Suga towards him; he was dangerous and comforting at the same time, causing his pulse to race to the top whenever he played into his obscure nature. He was sitting here and considering doing drugs with Oikawa Tōru at the back of a van they had just broken into. This wasn't him. Or was it? "So what happens if I take them?"

"They increase the blood flow towards your brain, allowing it to use more oxygen so your cognitive performance rises. Your concentration and mental alertness get a boost. You can see more clearly, connecting dots you otherwise would miss. And it goes so fast. We merely have seconds on the court and these babies make it seem so slow. Everything Tobio-chan analyzes in his genius mind, we will see, too."

"But they are dangerous."

"If you take them on an empty stomach they can make you feel nauseous", Oikawa shrugged. "So far I haven't run into any other side effects. Wanna try?"

No. He didn't. But yeah, he wanted to try them so badly. He also hadn't wanted to break into Takeda's room and car and yet here they were. For a moment, Suga pictured himself in front of the court. A blurry, cheering audience in the background. In the centre of the court not Karasuno but Oikawa, reaching out to him. Could he cross the line, entering the playing field or would he stay here, on the sideline? Suga opened his palm, holding his hand out to him. Oikawa let a single cyan pill fall into it.

"Don't be scared, Suga-chan. I'm here with you."

He couldn't stop looking at his face. The face he wanted to trust to badly even though this endeavour had been hit or miss so far. Oikawa gave him one of his famous winks, grinning at his nervousness. Suga opened his mouth and placed the shard, as Oikawa had called it, on his tongue. It prickled on his tongue before he managed to swallow it.

"And now?", his voice was trembling, his stomach already protesting. 

"We wait. Ah, don't be so anxious, there is literally no reason for that. I'm gonna distract you, tell me about your training camp. How are you guys doing so far?", it was a conversation like those you had at the bus station while casually going on about your day but Oikawa delivered it perfectly, even though their current situation was everything but casual. Slowly, Suga loosened up and answered his questions, telling him about their training, his struggles and even mentioned Asahi's song - without bringing up Nishinoya or their cute hand-holding.

After a while, he noticed how Oikawa's grin changed. He had seen him smile plenty of times and you always had to be careful to not fall for it because it was seldom genuine but this was different. His grin was fake. His muscles must hurt from trying to smile at him so long as if he wanted to reassure him and fabricate an environment Suga could relax in. He studied the structure of his face. High cheekbones. A perfect jawline but it was tensed up. Easy to miss was the movement of his teeth grinding because his jaw was stiff. Whenever he answered him, his right eyebrow raised by half an inch and his eyes flickered to the side in a fraction of a second.

Oikawa Tōru was nervous.

"You don't have to be nervous. I'm feeling fine."

A suppressed gasp but Suga could tell from the way he pressed his lips together it was there, wanting to escape his mouth. Nostrils widening because he inhaled air to calm himself down. Oikawa tried to play along - he disliked being analyzed, disliked how Suga peeked through his outer shell and would try to gloss over it with one of his dismissive gestures in just a second. Suga grabbed Oikawa's wrist before Seijoh's captain fully raised his hand.

"Gotcha", he grinned.

This time his lips parted and the little gasp escaped.

"It's working, I assume?"

Suga's eyes wandered around, taking in his surroundings. Dust particles twirling in the moonlight that travelled through the car windows, illuminating the seats in front of them. An empty can of coffee, most likely forgotten by Ukai-san under the passenger seat. Fingerprints on the window behind Oikawa. Small ones, spread out. Next to it another spot. Probably a nose pressed against the glass. Hinata. His lips curled into a smile. Every little detail he normally would notice after a while now sprung right into his view. He imagined himself during a game. Knowing the exact distance to toss, seeing every plan of their opponents in the revealing faces on the other side of the net, every change in his teammates' movement-

"It is", Suga looked back at Oikawa.

"So? What do you think?"

He examined the taller one's face. There was still a hint of nervousness revealed by the way he raised his right eyebrow but now there was something else added into the mix. Anticipation. The anxious type, accompanied by a sudden restlessness.

"I think you're scared that I'm gonna be mad at you for giving me drugs. Because you can't stand people being mad at you. At least not the people you like", Suga's fingers were still wrapped around Oikawa's wrist. "And I know you like me because ever since I touched your wrist, the pace of your pulse is ramping up."

"Tsk", he pulled away from his hand and Suga let him. "I was asking about the pills, idiot."

"Oh, I know", Suga smiled. "You wanted to change the subject so I wouldn't comment on your weird behaviour."

"The one acting weird is definitely you now."

"Sorry. I don't think your behaviour is weird", the smaller one tilted his head, while he continued to study Oikawa's face. "It's truly hard to see through your mask."

"Okay, enough", Oikawa pushed back a bit on his seat to make some space between them and crossed his arms in front of his torso, creating even more distance. "Those drugs don't give you superhero abilities, so stop with the charade."

"Right, they don't", Suga shrugged. "But I've observed you plenty of times before, trying to put the pieces together, attempting to get to the core of you, Oikawa. Your _mindshards_ just make it easier."

"Yeah?", his tone was defiant as was his posture. "If you know me so well, tell me."

Suga got a bit comfier in his seat and pulled his feet up, so he could put his arms around his tucked up knees. His mind was clear, working, observing, however, his body was calm. Which meant he wasn't influenced that much anymore by the way Oikawa's dark eyes stared daggers at his face, a sight, which normally would make it hard for Suga to grasp coherent thoughts.

"Okay, so. Welcome to my analysis of Oikawa Tōru, the Great King", he giggled and was gifted with another one of Oikawa's _Tsks_. "Right now you are contemplating if it was a smart move to come here and give me this - what did you call it - _surprise_. Sure, you wanted to show me your newest discovery, however, you would never want me to take them and end up being better than you. Nobody should be better than you. That's why we meet at night or on suboptimal sports grounds. You wanna have me around, yeah, maybe boast a bit about your volleyball knowledge to massage your ego but share the spotlight with me? Never."

A vein got visible on Oikawa's forehead. He puffed up his cheeks, a dark furrow between his brows.

"You like making me do stuff I don't wanna do. You feel superior when you see me squirm while trying to break into my teacher's room and you barricade any escape because it is you who decides when to leave. The last two times we met that didn't work out for you, huh? I left you hanging, I left even though you weren't finished yet. That frustrates you because you are the Great King and I'm just number two", the giggling was gone. Suga's tone wasn't hostile but unemotional and practical. And the more he kept to the facts, the closer Oikawa seemed to explode. His hands formed fists until the white of his knuckles got visible and the blood rose into his face.

"Fuck you", he growled and lunged forward, grabbing Suga by the collar of his sleep shirt and shaking him. Even though he had known he was about to snap, he had crossed that line. Maybe it was long-overdue payback for all the humiliation Oikawa had caused him, maybe he just wanted to be bold. However, a furious Oikawa right in his face was frightening. Suga reached for the hand holding onto him and tried to push it away but the grip solely got firmer.

"S-Sorry", he blurted out, intimidated by Oikawa's presence pressing him back into his seat.

"Ah", his lips curled into an almost threatening smile. "Don't have anything more to say?"

Suga's eyes widened. The last time they had been this close, it had been in the cinema. But there it had been Oikawa's playful, flirtatious nature mocking him by leaning in - all fun and games. This situation was way more severe and yet- Suga studied his face. He was furious thanks to his little analysis, however, not all of it was sincere. The way he grabbed onto his shirt, pulling him closer so he was holding him mid-air, mimicking the behaviour Suga had accused him of seconds ago, blocking any escape. The heat on his face wasn't caused by Oikawa's anger, no, this wasn't how Seijoh's captain showed fury.

_He **wants** me to go on._

"You came here not because you wanted to share the pills but because you wanted to play your games with me", Suga's voice cracked. Everything seemed so surreal and yet so intense. Was it the drugs' fault? No, they only revealed more and more of Oikawa and this close, it was quite obvious. Hot breath against his cheeks, his gaze darting towards his lips whenever he spoke- "Pushing me to get the keys, pushing me to work with Iwaizumi, pushing me to accept your apology. This is how you roll. But now you are here and even though I'm just number two I put you in your place."

Suga bit his lip. This was going too far. What if he was wrong?

"Go on", another demanding growl against his mouth.

"You underestimated me, shared your secret with me. No going back now. But you don't want to go back, right Oikawa? You actually like being called out."

" _Yeah_. And fuck, you sound sexy while doing it", Seijoh's captain tugged him closer by his shirt and buried his other hand into Suga's light-grey hair, pulling on the strands on the back of his head to tilt Suga's neck. Now he had to look up to him, a position that made Suga blush. Heat rushed into the centre of his body. What was going on? Had Oikawa just called him sexy? _Focus_ \- but no pill in the world could've prepared him for this. There was no way he could calm down, his heart was about to burst inside his chest while staring into Oikawa's hungry face.

"Y-You-", Suga had to stop to take a breath. Suddenly his former clear mind was clouded. "You don't want to hang out with me because you want to teach me volleyball."

"More, Suga-chan", the growl had made room for his teasing voice. Who was teasing who now? Who was challenging the other and who was being toyed with? The lines were blurred.

"You want to kiss me."

"More, Suga-chan", he simply repeated the phrase, an amused spark flickering in his dark eyes. Oikawa still held him in his grip, supporting his head and Suga felt the arousal as a deep pull in his lower belly. He had said _more_. He wasn't prepared for _more_. He had never kissed anyone. He couldn't even form the words without blushing. But he also couldn't let Oikawa win.

"Kiss me and touch my h-hair?", it was more a question than an analysis. Suga let out a hoarse cough and tried to keep it together. "A-And my neck?"

Oikawa's hand disappeared from his head and travelled down to the nape. His long fingers stroked down his neck until they vanished under his shirt, trailing along Suga's spine where they rested between his shoulder blades. A shiver rushed down, following the simple touch that made Suga moan in surprise. The feeling was so intense even though the contact of their skin had been so brief.

"I- I can't focus anymore. Your pills are shitty", he managed to get out before he sank against Oikawa's hand in his back, who immediately spread his fingers to support his weight and brought him upwards. Suga caught a last glimpse of his smug grin before he closed his eyes and reached for Oikawa's face, framing his cheeks with his palms so he could pull him closer.

For all the times Suga had imagined his first kiss, it happening with the captain of Aoba Johsai in the back of his sensei's van while being on drugs, had definitely not been on the list.

It was wet. It was hot. It was messy. Not one of those perfect kisses you saw in movies but uncoordinated, almost clumsy, because both of them were shaking, both of them had trouble holding themselves back. Oikawa's tongue pressed against Suga's mouth, who was completely overwhelmed with his emotions. The taller one pushed him down with his weight, trying to shove him deeper into the car seat but for Suga, it was too much. Too intense. He took Oikawa's jaw in his hand, fingertips curling into his skin, holding him in place and to his surprise, Oikawa immediately obeyed, stopped pushing him down and shifted back, so Suga could sit up straight.

However, his hands were still curious, eager to explore every inch of Suga, sliding up and down his sides above his shirt, only stopping to pull on the fabric playfully. Suga panted against Oikawa's parted lips. Seijoh's captain still wanted more, he could feel him trembling under his mouth but he didn't go for it. It was the hand around his jaw, Suga's fingertips, holding him in place.

He had control as long as his fingers lingered on that same spot.

The thought strangely calmed him. When he finally opened his eyes again, the world seemed to turn slower. Suga could see every single one of his long eyelashes. Eyes heavy-lidded, Oikawa broke their kiss to lean his forehead against his. His breath tickled over Suga's wet lips, leaving behind another shiver down his spine. Suga felt the sudden urge to apologize because he couldn't give Oikawa what he wanted but the way his head rested against his, the way his hands stopped sliding down his body, it was pretty clear that Oikawa already had gotten the message. Even though he had done nothing but pushing Suga to his limits since they had met each other, this time he had passed all control to him.

Now he dared to lower his fingers from Oikawa's chin, putting his hands between them on the seat. Seijoh's captain mirrored him and set his palms right next to Suga's. Accompanied by a breathless gasp, Suga placed his lips against Oikawa's mouth once more. Taking his time, he hovered over his lower lip before he was brave enough to open his mouth, so their tongues could touch. Oikawa reacted immediately, his body visibly jolting forward into their connection. Suga tilted his head and let himself fall against his heated lips. Neither of them moved their hands away from the seat and yet this second kiss was way more intense than the first one.

Every pass of Oikawa's tongue against his seemed to steal away the air from Suga's lungs and cautious kisses changed into more desperate ones with moans resonating through the car. Suga's body relaxed more with every second passing and after a few minutes, he became painfully aware of the heat between his legs, all too visible under the smooth fabric of his joggers. Oikawa's lips were soft and his tongue versed in dancing around his - Suga wondered how many people he had kissed like this before. Every motion seemed so superior to his clumsy movement. But his short breath, the goosebumps visible on his neck and the way he sighed whenever Suga's tongue met his, showed him he was doing something right.

When almost every car window was steamed over, Oikawa finally leaned back. Suga couldn't help but peek down between them; Oikawa was as aroused as him, neither of them was able to hide it now. Suga licked over his upper lip that felt ablaze. Oikawa's lips were glistening in the dim light, still partly opened and inviting Suga to kiss them once more but he recollected himself. He didn't know how long they had been in here but the temperature had gone up by a lot and even though he couldn't see well through the fogged windows, he was sure the night had progressed quite a bit.

"I've to put the keys back before Takeda wakes up."

Oikawa didn't answer, he simply watched how Suga made his way out of the van, the legs all stiff from their awkward kissing position. When he opened the door, he knew he had been right. The sun would rise soon. Strangely, Suga felt wide awake and light-headed at the same time. Oikawa followed behind him and stretched once he got out of the car. Suga locked the van and turned towards him, suddenly feeling awkward. How was he supposed to see him off? With another kiss? Would they be kissing again? Should they talk about it?

Oikawa cut off all of Suga's thoughts by throwing the translucent plastic bag his way.

"Don't forget my gift", he grinned with his typical smug face before he waved Suga goodbye and walked away. Suga stood there, a bit dumbfounded, and stared at the two remaining pills inside the bag.


	11. Nishinoya - little details

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nishinoya adores the little details.

Nishinoya Yū liked girls. You couldn't deny that. He liked their soft faces, their big eyes, their slender bodies and pretty clothes. Short skirts and knee-length socks, dark make-up on their lashes, rouge on their cheeks, moving as if they were dancing, so fragile and delicate, dresses flattering when they walked past him. Plump lips glittering with gloss, awkward smiles, long hair falling into innocent faces.

It was easy to like girls. Each and every one of them were beautiful in their own way and Nishinoya loved beautiful details. More than posters of half-naked volleyball chicks, he adored Kiyoko-senpai's way of reaching for her notebook, scribbling notes into it with her precise handwriting and how a single dark hair strand would get in her way and tickle her cheek.

Nishinoya Yū also liked boys. He fell for them watching them playing sports, he admired their athletic spirits and the way drops of sweat ran down their sturdy necks. He liked broad shoulders dressed in Karasuno's gakuran and Bermuda shorts, so he could catch a glimpse at their calves. He liked the slight stubble on their faces and when they had long eyelashes.

Although it was just as easy to fall for boys because they were stunning beings as well, Nishinoya had kept this part of him a secret. While Nishinoya considered himself a brave person, there were still things that scared him in this world. And one of them was admitting he had fallen for one guy in particular and coming out to his grandpa, who would never understand how Nishinoya saw men.

You could say Nishinoya had a type. The shy one. The one that barely spoke but always observed, the one who devoted themselves to their friends. Who never forgot to be conscientious and who sometimes doubted themselves. Quiet, gentle and maybe not good with words but whenever they spoke, it meant something. Nishinoya's counterpart. This was who he was looking for. Natural leaders, loud personalities and strong bodies were something Nishinoya idolized, yes. But those humble, compassionate characters were something Nishinoya adored.

Both Kiyoko-senpai and Asahi-san belonged to this type.

So when he had heard Asahi's voice, soft and tender with a slight hint of agony behind every syllable, his heart hadn't stopped fluttering inside his chest. Maybe people weren't that wrong about the phrase butterfly in one's stomach because it sure felt like this. At the same time, Nishinoya had experienced a sudden calmness. As if Asahi's song had grounded him, pulled his head out of the clouds because dreams of endless yearning had finally become true.

Even though Nishinoya spent a lot of time crushing on people, he had never made a move towards any of them. For now, the role of the observer had been enough. Yes, he could easily give out compliments and encouragements to the people he liked because it simply was what they deserved but anything more? Holding hands, kissing, sex? Like every teenage boy, Nishinoya had thought about this stuff but not as often as you'd guess. Instead, he found himself fantasizing about the way Asahi's hair got ruffled by the wind when they went for a run or how he stared out of the window when they were on the bus, quite often. Always the details. Nishinoya loved the little details more than anything else.

So it was a first. Holding the taller one's hand, palms pressing against each other, fingers intertwined in a way they would become stiff within minutes. Slightly uncomfortable because they were laying so far apart but he couldn't care less. Nishinoya was determined to hold this position until the next morning. His mind wasn't able to think further at the moment. He had pretended to be asleep, waiting for Asahi's response. Both of them weren't the best with words so Nishinoya relied on gestures. And with Asahi's hand grabbing him firmer, his lips curled into a smile, hidden underneath his blanket before he finally dozed off too.

Despite Nishinoya's determination, Asahi's hand was gone when he woke up. The whole room was flooded with sunlight and Karasuno's ace sat on his futon, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Everybody was up already, grabbing their stuff and getting ready for the day. To Nishinoya's surprise, it was Suga who was still asleep or trying to sleep because Daichi was having none of it and tried to wake him up.

"Five more minutes", Suga mumbled into his pillow. Nishinoya chuckled. It was unusual for Suga to oversleep. But Asahi next to him was way more interesting, so he got out of his sheets and grinned at him.

"Morning!", Nishinoya sounded enthusiastic as always. Luckily, his persistent cheerfulness was a great tool to cover up the nerves. The truth was when Asahi glanced at him, his heart skipped a beat and his palms got sweaty. Nishinoya stumbled upwards and almost fell over his blanket that had wrapped itself around his ankle. He caught back his balance in an awkward half-bow above Asahi, who blinked in surprise. A hint of red appeared between Asahi's stubble. The libero held his weird position and brushed his sweaty hands off on his shorts.

"Hey", Asahi's smile created little dimples on his cheeks.

The details, always the details.

Nishinoya's heart felt so full.

To be fair, it had never gone further than this. First time holding hands: Check! What now? How was he supposed to act around him? Nishinoya realized he was still looming over him and shook his foot to get rid of the blanket on his ankle before making his bed. Something, he usually despised but he needed to do something with his hands. They were sweating again already. Was that the next stadium of crushes? After butterflies, you entered the onsen-stage?

"Did you sleep well?", Asahi asked but Nishinoya knew what he meant. _Was last night okay?_

"Yeah", he beamed. "Come, let me help you with your hair!"

Words wouldn't work. Neither Asahi nor the libero was pretty good with them. That was Daichi's and Suga's part. However, whether it was high-fives or playful punches, Nishinoya excelled in little gestures of encouragement to make someone feel better or to reassure them everything would be alright. So he took a seat behind Asahi and grabbed for the toiletry kit next to him.

He fished a hairbrush out of the bag and realized, if he kept sitting he'd have to stretch his arms quite a bit. With a little puff of air escaping his cheeks, he shifted himself onto his knees and placed the brush on Asahi's hair. Before moving, he leaned forward and glanced over his shoulder.

"Ready for me to mess up your hair?", he smirked.

_Can I comb your hair?_

"Oh god!", Asahi laughed.

_I'd like that._

Nishinoya parted the dark strands with his fingers and couldn't resist to twirl one of them around his fingertip and watch, how they bounced back, now slightly curled. As he diverted the hair into two sides left and right, he let his thumb rub over Asahi's neck and watched the goosebumps travelling from the point of touch up to his scalp.

"Wow", Nishinoya whispered against the brown mane, so no one would see his lips moving. It took him a moment of simply admiring how soft Asahi's hair was and how sensitive his skin appeared under his fingers before he remembered what he had wanted to do. Placing the hairbrush on top, he gently brought it down to Asahi's shoulders.

"You can go a bit firmer, otherwise you won't get rid of the knots."

"Oh", Nishinoya exhaled, not noticing how he had been holding his breath the whole time. The brush of air caused another shiver down Asahi's spine. He cupped the edge of his broad shoulder with his palm and nodded. Not that Asahi could see that but Nishinoya was too absorbed in his task.

Under his hand, he could feel Asahi relax more with every stroke. The taller one even tilted his head back a bit, causing Nishinoya to straighten himself so he could catch a glimpse of his face. Eyes half-lidded, lashes, lightly brighter than his dark hair strands, shined in the sunlight in an almost reddish tone. More often than necessary he combed through the strands with his fingers, followed by the brush, just because he couldn't resist and because, whenever he did so, the scent of Asahi's shampoo danced towards his nose. Cedar. An earthly freshness with an almost sharp undertone that made the libero want to bury his face into his mane. Which he didn't do, of course.

His hair wasn't tangled anymore but Nishinoya didn't stop just yet. The steady motions from the top of his head down towards his neck were almost therapeutic. The familiar stillness, formerly only possessed by him when on the court, had taken over him. Each gesture was careful, steady, at the same pace and found the rhythm with their breathing.

Movement in the corner of his eye startled Nishinoya. Suga had finally gotten up but he looked terribly tired, with a bedhead and dark circles under his eyes. Daichi was shooing him out of the room but eyed back at them, a smile on his face.

"Don't dawdle too much, practice starts soon."

"Alright!", Nishinoya grinned back at him and put the hairbrush away. "Looking good."

"Thanks", was the softly spoken answer as Asahi leaned forward again.

There was a sudden impulse to put his arms around him and hug him, to hide his face in his scented hair and never let go. Another time, Nishinoya told himself and instead got up.

He scrambled for his own toiletries and gave Asahi a last smile before he trailed off to the bathroom, his step a bit bouncier than usual.

***********

Nishinoya lowered his hips, palms facing towards the ceiling. The tip of his tongue licked the drops of sweat away that had gathered on his upper lip. He was all fired up. This was the first time during the Golden Week he hadn't been paired up with Asahi in a team and their ace was about to serve.

_My way, I'm here, send it my way._

This was but a training match between Karasuno only but for Nishinoya there was no reason to not give it all. Asahi's serves were heavy hitters but he knew him well, he would try to avoid him and send the ball into the other corner where Yamaguchi was waiting - aiming for the first-years who struggled with receiving was good practice for them, however, Nishinoya wanted to jump, to dive, to dig so badly. He was itching to play a real match and couldn't wait for them to encounter Nekoma.

Seconds before Asahi was serving, their eyes met and Nishinoya tilted his head, smirking. He loved taunting enemies and he loved taunting his teammates. Especially Asahi because it was so easy to irritate him. Nishinoya blew out air and the blonde tuft on his forehead wobbled in a funny way. He could see how Asahi's lips were pulled into a brief smile before he went for the serve.

When he hit the ball, both of them immediately knew the course was off. Nishinoya grinned, pleased with himself and reached out his arm towards Yamaguchi to claim it.

"Got it!"

With a swift jump to the right, he dove forward, hipbones scraping over the gym floor and managed to dig the ball right towards Kageyama. The impact of his fall wasn't over just yet so Nishinoya shifted his weight and rolled over the ground before jumping back on two feet as if nothing had happened. A quick toss to Hinata by their genius setter and the point was theirs before the others could even react.

"Nice kill!"

"Nice receive, Noya-san!"

"Oi, Asahi-san!", he grinned and pointed right at him through the net. "Don't be scared to hit them harder, I'm gonna get them all!"

Laughter emerged in the hall when Asahi blushed and mumbled something about _That was as hard as I can do,_ which resulted in him being scolded by Suga and Daichi immediately.

"Nishinoya is right", Ukai's voice boomed through the gym. "Fight with all you got, that's what this week is for. Tomorrow I'll decide who goes up against Nekoma, so don't hold back!"

The words had an impact. The other team, consisting of the third-years, Ryuu, Tsukishima und Kinoshita were suddenly huddling together. Nishinoya observed how Suga whispered instructions towards them and everybody nodded.

"What are you up to?", the libero grinned to himself, bouncing back and forth on the balls of his feet. This morning Suga had seemed so tired but now he was focused, almost as if he wanted to compete with Kageyama, who always had this stern look about him. Suga normally smiled more when on the court. Nishinoya's curiosity peeked when they fanned out and he caught a glimpse of Suga's glance towards them. The dark circles under his eyes were still present but there was a spark inside his dilated pupils, he could almost feel. The fighting spirit was infectious. Nishinoya started to get restless. He knew Suga was competing with Kageyama, not an easy task, but he cheered for his friend, he always would.

It was Yamaguchi's time to serve and even though it wasn't a jump floater, at least it got into the other court, however, it was no match for Daichi's solid receives. Nishinoya got ready when Daichi passed to Suga. Now he was in observer mode again - Ryuu was running up to attack, Hinata would probably not reach it but the ball might get touched, which would derail its path. Nishinoya shifted his weight on his toes and watched, ready to dive forward. Suga's fingertips almost touched the ball but before he reached it, he jumped and removed his second hand.

"Wait, what-", he managed to gasp, whereas Hinata and Kageyama jumped to block the incoming Ryuu, Suga dumped the ball right into their court. Nishinoya was stunned. Normally, Suga's plays were by the book. A dump at the second touch? "Amazing!", he yelled, not even mad that he hadn't gotten it. Everybody on the other side of the net burst into triumphant cheers and he joined them.

Nishinoya looked over to their coach, who seemed as startled as he was. Maybe, if Suga kept this up, he would stay their setter. Maybe. Excited with the newest turn of events, Nishinoya jumped up and down and got back into position for the next serve.

Over the course of the set, both Kageyama and Suga were on top of their game. While Kageyama and Hinata scored the most points, Suga called everybody together to share his ideas and seemed to be directing the team instead of Daichi with tactics and tricks. Nishinoya was amazed. Yes, the first-years were freaky but Suga was able to keep up and he felt so proud of him.

In the end, they lost by 3 points and gathered around Ukai-san, desperate for a break and water after a whole day of practice. Daichi and Ryuu were all over Suga, still stoked about his performance. Nishinoya, sipping on his water bottle, approached Asahi, who wiped away the sweat on his forehead with a towel. He punched his side energetically and grinned.

"Don't be so shy with your serves or Ennoshita steals your spot!"

"Yes, I've to practice a lot more", Asahi nodded, suddenly looking serious. Nishinoya followed his gaze. He was looking at Suga, who was blushing over so much attention and hid behind his towel as Ryuu wouldn't stop blathering. "He was crazy good today."

"Right?", Nishinoya beamed. "Suga really stepped up his game!"

"I can't stay behind", Asahi mumbled.

"That's the spirit! I was wondering when your combativeness would come out, Asahi-san."

"Oh, I don't know, that sounds a bit aggressi-"

"Nah! Sounds about right to me", Nishinoya interrupted him and gave him another playful punch. "We could train together, you know. Try to get past my receives."

Right now the gentle encounter from the morning seemed long gone. Nishinoya was thrilled to play some more and didn't even consider training with just the two of them would be, well, just the two of them. The cute blush on Asahi's face reminded him quickly, though. Nishinoya watched how a drop of sweat travelled down Asahi's neck. His bun had loosened during the game and a few hair strands, drenched in sweat, stuck to his skin. The details, always the details.

Nishinoya swallowed, suddenly feeling his nerves again.

"Yeah, that would be nice", Asahi finally answered with a shy smile.


	12. Kenma - heart to heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kuroo has the softest face of all of them.

Kenma left the bath with a towel around his shoulders, already dressed in his sleepwear consisting of shorts and a simple black shirt about two sizes too big. He almost bumped into the first-years on his way back to their dorm room. Loud voices from downstairs startled him and he crept to the stairhead to peek down. Kuro was arguing with the coaches about the game against Karasuno tomorrow. He hadn't been allowed to play today due to his injury - not because it was that severe but because they didn't want to take any risk. Kenma didn't want him to play either, not as long as there were seams in his head, so he was thankful that the coaches talked some sense into him.

Something furry brushed past his naked calf and Kenma almost dropped his phone. In the darkness of the corridor, he hadn't even noticed the shaggy stray cat, which was perfectly obscured with his black fur. Kenma had no clue if he was a he but since he had named him Kurocat he just rolled with it. During the whole training camp, he had continued feeding him leftovers in the kitchen. Kurocat had become braver and now strolled around their lodging, usually darting off when someone else than Kenma was around.

"I'm gonna tell him today", Kenma mumbled towards the cat crouching between his legs and gently purring. He scratched Kurocat's messy fur between the ears absentmindedly. "Before we play against Karasuno. I promise."

Not that Kurocat cared but the past days Kenma had updated the cat about his plans frequently. His plans being full-on procrastination when it came to having a heart-to-heart conversation with Kuro. The voices downstairs calmed down and he couldn't make out any words anymore. Kenma got up and hovered at the top of the stairs, waiting for Kuro to come back, wavering in his decision.

His best friend appeared on the stairs, a grim frown on his face and taking two steps at once.

"How did it go?", Kuro's fast approach scared the cat away before he could notice it.

"I might get to play _one_ set", he hissed. "If they feel generous."

"Maybe it's better that way."

"Yeah, sure, let me rest so I'm off form once we play at the tournament."

Kuro brushed past him, feet stomping on the ground.

Probably not the best time to approach him - once he would enter their dorm, he would've calmed down. Kuro let nobody see him being shaken apart from Kenma. So everybody else would think he was fine and not worry about their captain anymore.

"Uh, Kuro. Do you have a minute?", Kenma tugged at the hem of his shirt, nervousness forming inside his stomach. His best friend turned around and his angry expression gave way for a tired smile. He nodded immediately and Kenma wasn't surprised. Kuro always had a minute for him and if not, he made room for it. Kenma looked around. He didn't want to discuss it right in the middle of the hall, so he opened the next best door, which turned out to be a storeroom filled with cleaning material. His chin nudged towards the small room, holding the door open for Kuro.

"What the-?", Kuro began but then just shrugged and entered. He leaned on one of the metal shelves and crossed his arms in front of his chest. His eyebrows arched upwards as Kenma closed the door behind them. A single light bulb was hanging above them. "Romantic."

"Well, it's hard to get some privacy around here, so I thought this will do", Kenma felt a bit silly now and placed his back on the door, rubbing his neck. Heat was blooming on his cheeks as he was trying to figure out how to go on.

"What's on your mind?", Kuro sounded worried, his face softening as he saw how uncomfortable he was. Kenma tried to swallow down the lump in his throat.

"I know about you and Yaku."

He peeked through his hair to watch his reaction. Warmth crept up Kuro's neck, painting the skin in deep red up to his cheeks before his best friend let out a noise Kenma could remotely categorize as nervous laughter.

"What do you mean? There is nothi-"

"I'm talking about the sex", Kenma blurted out and his face seemed on fire now. He stared a few inches past Kuro as if he was studying the bottle of carpet cleaner on the shelf behind him.

"Ah. Uh. Okay...", Kuro stretched the last syllable longer than usual.

"Why did you keep it from me?", he didn't know why he asked that. Kenma had wanted to tell him to stop because he was scared it would push Nekoma off their game. This was the whole reason why he had brought him in here. However, as he was facing Kuro now, the anger from before rose inside his body once more. Kenma had been so hurt when he had found out about this because Kuro had lied to him, probably multiple times whenever he had presented a lousy excuse to meet up with Yaku.

"Look, Kenma, I don't know."

"No", Kenma shook his head. "That's not enough."

"What?"

"I won't settle for _I don't know._ We never keep secrets from each other. So, why didn't you tell me?", righteous anger spurred him now. Kenma's hands formed fists, pushing into his own sides. He raised his chin and his eyes pinned Kuro down fiercely. After all these stressful days of fretting about it, it felt good to just let everything out.

"Kenma, don't do this", Kuro raised his hands defensively.

"Stop running away from me! It's unfair."

"I don't wanna hurt you."

"Why would you hurt me?"

"Because I can't talk to you about such things. You always get weird about it."

" _What?_ "

"Listen, when we talked about crushes? That was the first time you ever mentioned the subject. Before I always assumed you were totally uninterested in this stuff and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Don't twist this into some creepy way of protecting me!", Kenma's finger jabbed into Kuro's chest. "I'm not a child!"

"You are always disgusted when couples make out in public and whenever there's a sex scene on TV you change the channel right away."

Kenma's ears turned red as he listened to what Kuro had to say. Now it was him who felt called out and he hated it: "What has this to do with you and Yaku? That makes no sense-"

"Yeah? So since you know about it, your opinion of me hasn't changed?"

"Of course not!"

"Kenma", he insisted, arms crossed in front of his chest again.

The image of Yaku and Kuro in the bathroom flickered back into existence. Flushed with lust, lips parted, fervent moans, all coming from their libero. Kuro's long fingers clawing into his skin - no Kenma hadn't wasted a second thought about Kuro having sex but he had channelled his anger at Yaku. But what had their libero done, really? He hadn't forced Kuro to do anything. They had been on the same page, they actually had been enjoying themselves. Kenma had no valid reason to condemn Yaku.

"Not of you but Yaku", he admitted almost sheepishly.

"Why?"

"I don't know...", heart racing inside his chest, Kenma stared at his feet. His anger didn't seem righteous anymore, he felt like a weird stalker that had burst into a private moment and now made a fuss about it for no reason. In a desperate attempt to get out of this, he reminded himself of his former plan. "But you shouldn't have sex with a team member. It destroys the b-balance of the team."

"Do you think we have been playing badly for the last two months?"

Kenma couldn't hold in a gasp. Two months? They had been doing it for two months? And Kenma hadn't known a damn thing. He tried to remember how Nekoma had performed two months ago but the fact was that they had always been doing fine, improving even because the third-years gave it their all. Only since Kenma had found out about it, their performance had been lacking due to him not being able to focus and the tension between him and Yaku.

"N-No."

"So you know it for about a week, yeah?"

"Uh...I...yeah. I saw you guys in the bathroom", he mumbled, curling the bottom of his shirt inside his sweaty palms. Their eyes met and the heat on Kuro's face intensified when he heard Kenma's answer. He cleared his throat, suddenly seeming all skittish.

"I kinda expected you to know because you've been so weird towards Yaku and during practice."

"Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I should've told you right from the beginning. I didn't know how, to be honest. And Yaku insisted we don't tell anybody. It's not that it's serious or anything, we just like having sex after practice", Kuro shrugged. "But if it makes you uncomfortable, I'll stop."

"Wait, _what_?!"

"You said it destroys the balance of the team and obviously it affects you being on top of your game, so we stop." He said it so nonchalantly, Kenma was at loss for words. For days he had wracked his brain on how he should tell Kuro and now his best friend simply decided to stop?

 _Wait, isn't that what you want?,_ a subtle voice inside his head claimed.

_Is it?_

"But that's not what this is about."

Kuro tilted his head in confusion: "It's not?"

"I don't want you to stop because of me!"

"But you said the team's performance suffers from it."

"But it's just me suffering from it!"

"So then we stop."

"Uh- _no!_ ", frustrated, Kenma started gesturing wildly, not sure how he could get his point across or what his point even was anymore. Kuro watched him squirming, thoughts racing and stepped forward to snatch his hands out of the air, holding them in place. Immediately, Kenma froze on the spot.

"You are part of the team, Kenma", Kuro said, a stern look on his face. He really was serious about this. "And you are right about your concerns. We can't show any weakness now that Prelims are coming up. Yaku and I won't fool around anymore and everything goes back to normal."

Kenma looked up into his face - he seemed genuine. Of course, he was. Before this whole mess, Kuro had never lied to him not even to make him feel better because he knew he hated that. But this was also his reassurance he would keep his words. And Kenma wasn't sure how to handle this.

He hadn't hesitated for a second. He simply had provided a solution because Kenma had claimed to feel uncomfortable. Well, what did he expect? Kuro always catered to everybody's needs and he could count on the fingers of one hand when he hadn't been able to help out Kenma.

Nekoma's setter shifted the weight on his feet and let himself fall forward. Without any explanation, he pulled Kuro into a hug, burying his face into his broad chest. A surprised gasp was the answer before his best friend returned the gesture, hands crossed on Kenma's lower back. Kenma squeezed him tightly until Kuro wheezed, suppressing a laugh. While he hated hugs with other people, he loved giving them to Kuro. And that was the point: Kuro never pulled him into a hug, he always let him come. Even when he was all fired up after they had won a game, he would always send a questioning look Kenma's way and it wasn't before he permitted him - with a smile, a nod or the raise of his hands - he embraced him.

Kenma rubbed his cheek over Kuro's chest and closed his eyes, not ready to let go and give in to his confusing feelings about the dilemma. His heartbeat throbbed loudly in his ear, a steady pace, maybe slightly faster than usual because Kenma had surprised him.

"I'm sorry I lied", Kuro whispered into his hair.

"Shut up", Kenma's way of telling him to let it drop, that he wasn't mad anymore. It didn't matter anymore that Kuro had kept this a secret because there hadn't been any malicious intent behind it.

A soft meowing from the other side of the door startled them and Kenma released Kuro from his arms, confused. Could it be? Had he followed him around all the time? He opened the door to reveal Kurocat, ears twitching and sitting in the middle of the hallway. Once he saw Kenma, he made his way over to him and brushed along his legs, purring loudly.

"Wow, he looks like a half-plucked, ugly chicken", Kuro grinned.

"Yeah, I called him Kurocat", Kenma said without remorse.

"Huh?! I don't look like that at all!", his loud indignation scared Kurocat off, he darted down the corridor away from the light.

"Don't be so loud. He's easily spooked."

"Have you been sneaking him in?"

"He was already inside when we first met", Kenma said, a slight blush on his nose. Kuro chuckled in the deep, rough way that always made him feel all fuzzy inside. Finally, they both left the supply room and closed the door behind them. Kuro let out a deep sigh. "Are we good?"

"Yeah, of course", his best friend nodded and sent another gentle smile his way. Kenma always wondered how anybody could think of Kuro looking scary. He had the softest face of all of them.

They made their way back to the dorm room, where half of Nekoma was already snoring happily. Luckily, Yaku was one of them and they could avoid any more awkward conversations. When Kenma curled up under his sheets, he pondered if Yaku would take the news as well as Kuro. Probably not.

_Because I can't talk to you about such things. You always get weird about it._

Was that true? Did he get weird about romance and sex? Kenma rolled on his back, staring at the ceiling and thinking about Kuro's words. Well, their crush-conversation had been awkward but not because Kenma hated people having crushes, he just...never had had a crush. He had no clue how it should feel and he was convinced everybody who showed affection in public was just putting on a show for others to notice. Why would you ever feel the need to kiss someone in the middle of a crowd? Wouldn't you rather only share the experience with someone you loved?

Was it wrong not wanting to share?

Kenma wondered if he was selfish or, as Kuro had called it, just weird. As for sex scenes in movies. Well, they were awkward for sure. And fake. Why would anybody like watching that? Fake moans, fake touching, fake kisses. Kenma hated people lying to his face and he hated if people put on a show. Again, he remembered Kuro and Yaku in the bathroom and the heat rushing to the center of his body as he had seen them. They hadn't been faking anything. They both had seemed like they enjoyed it. But Kenma could never. He couldn't loosen up that much, not even with Kuro.

Losing control was terrifying.


	13. Suga - a short fuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Suga lights a fuse. 
> 
> content note: underage drug use

Suga's fingers curled tightly around the strap of his gym bag. Next to him, Tanaka and Noya were blabbing about Nekoma but he couldn't focus - they were too loud, too hyped. On his other side, Daichi's shoulder brushed past his while they were walking towards the gym. A brief moment of contact that should remind Suga he wasn't alone in this. Daichi was worried about him and he knew that but he couldn't reassure him right now. This one night and a day followed by a sleep-deprived performance - until the _mindshard_ had stepped up his game in the afternoon and saved him from losing to Kageyama forever - weren't typical for him and it was enough reason for Daichi to feel alarmed. If Asahi weren't that distracted by crushing on Noya, he probably would hover around him in the same way. Suga inwardly sighed. One mother hen following him around was enough.

Nekoma's players were waiting in front of the building and they exchanged greetings. Daichi and their captain, who looked kind of frustrated already, talked briefly. Next to them, a guy with silver hair and piercing green eyes, who was huge. Even taller than Tsukishima. They stared at him in awe, especially Hinata, who seemed to have already befriended one of the other team.

"Our captain can't play so we brought him along. He sucks, though", the quiet voice of Nekoma's setter reached Suga's ears when he walked past him and Hinata. Well, that was reassuring to hear. So Nekoma was down their captain. That would probably affect their gameplay significantly. Suga thought about Daichi not being on the court. His great defensive skills gave everyone a sense of security. Yeah, they would be a mess without him.

"I'm gonna use the bathroom real quick", he said to Daichi as they entered the building. Even before he had reached the restroom, he pulled out his phone. No new messages.

It had been radio silence between Oikawa and him since...well, since their kiss. And the drugs. And the breaking into other people's cars. Oikawa's exit had been so abrupt, Suga wasn't sure if he even wanted him to contact him anymore. However, only thinking of their kiss made his knees weak. Suga had come to the conclusion he was probably one of many for Oikawa. He had had his fun and now he had moved on to the next one, so he shouldn't pay him any mind. Easier said than done, though. Suga opened their past conversation on his phone while entering the bathroom stall.

_More, Suga-chan._

A sudden heat formed in the center of his body. Suga breathed heavily. This stupid voice. This stupid teasing, alluring tone. It made his mind all wobbly and he needed his full concentration for volleyball right now. Damn, he hated Oikawa for this. Why was he able to taunt him so easily? Suga thought of his wet lips pressing onto his, the long eyelashes that only partly hid a seductive glance right into his eyes and the way he gasped against his skin.

Okay, he needed to stop or all concentration would be lost completely. Suga took a deep breath to calm himself. Again, he peeked at the display of his phone. Even though he wanted to get Oikawa out of his head, he started typing in a message regardless. It felt like he didn't have another choice. He _wanted_ to see him again. It was impossible to simply forget Oikawa Tōru.

[10:31 AM]: _Your surprise gave me a chance to play vs. Nekoma. Thanks_

There probably wouldn't be any response soon, so Suga put away his phone and fished out the translucent plastic bag out of his pocket instead. One cyan pill was left. Two days ago he had been contemplating if this was right, now he knew he had no other choice. After the night with Oikawa, Suga had been totally destroyed - not because of the drugs but because he lacked sleep and he couldn't calm his mind with a permanent image of Oikawa floating around his thoughts. Maybe partly because of the drugs, he didn't know. He had felt incredibly exhausted once their effect had worn off. But then he had used them again in their match with Karasuno member's only and his performance had impressed Ukai-san so much, he had agreed to let Suga play a whole game against Nekoma. So now he couldn't back down anymore. Especially today, he needed the support of the mindshard, when his mind was all over the place. He needed to be calm, he needed to be able to analyze their opponents.

Suga swallowed the last pill and brought up his hands to his face. His palms rubbed over his forehead, trying to ease his nerves. A vibration inside his pocket startled him. With trembling fingers, he reached for his phone once more.

[10:38 AM]: _Go get them, Suga-chan~_

A picture was sent along: Oikawa was sitting on the bench in the gym of Aoba Johsai, holding a water bottle in one hand and sticking out his tongue towards the camera. He winked and seemed amused as always. Suga's finger stroked over the screen, which still had a slight crack from when he had dropped it at the bus station after being furious with Oikawa. That incident seemed months away. Almost scary how fast his feelings towards Seijoh's captain had changed. Way too fast. Dangerous. But he liked it. Suga bit his lip, not sure what to answer, so he just put his phone away and made his way back to his team before Daichi could worry even more about him.

Everybody was warming up. Kageyama would play the first match, so Suga held back a bit and instead observed their opponents. It would take a couple more minutes before the pill would have any effect, yet he wanted to gather some information anyway. However, he got distracted by Asahi and Noya laughing as Noya twirled around the taller one like a little bouncy ball, trying to snatch his hairband. A warm feeling fluttered inside Suga's chest. They were so incredibly cute.

Neither Asahi nor Noya had shown any physical affection since Asahi's song but it was the way they danced around each other, almost shy but inexorably drawn to each other, the way their laughs merged into one and the gentle blush on their faces that already told Suga everything. Whatever these two decided, he was convinced they would make the most of it. And he was so happy for Asahi, who finally seemed able to smile again after weeks of hiding behind a frown.

"It's good to hear him laugh again", Daichi whispered next to him, kneeling on the floor and tying his shoelaces.

"Tell me about it. I was afraid it would get as bad as last summer."

"Thanks to Noya, I think we are fine", Daichi nodded. "The way he calmed him when he had the panic attack in the club room - I wished we had known about this last year."

Suga mustered Asahi, who spiked a ball for warm-up and got applause from their libero. He remembered last year all too well. It had been the hottest night of summer so far, lightning crackling through a stormy sky and Asahi, on edge and almost gone from their grip. Whenever Suga thought back to it, he got a chill on the back of his mind, tugging him into darkness. He shook his head to get rid of it. Asahi was fine today. That was all that mattered.

"What about you?", Daichi brought him back.

"What do you mean?"

"You've been different the past days", worry sparked in his dark eyes. Suga swallowed down an honest answer and put on his brightest smile as he patted his captain's shoulder.

"I'm just a bit stressed because of the whole setter-situation but I'll be fine."

"Are you sure? Because if you need anything, I-"

"Oi, Daichi, don't you have enough children to worry about?", he teased him, causing Daichi to send back a tired smile. Both of them looked to the court where Hinata and Kageyama were arguing once more and Noya and Tanaka were taunting their opponents from the other side of the net.

"I sure have", Daichi sighed, scowling at Karasuno's bundles of energy. Suga chuckled.

It took the first half of their first set until the mindshard started to affect him. Suga was standing next to the other substitutes on the sideline, observing the game, his fingers playing with the hem of his jersey. Ukai-san had warned them about Nekoma's splendid defense, however, Suga could make out holes in it. First, they lacked their captain, who was sitting on the bench between the coaches and looked utterly pissed about that. Then, his substitute, the tall half-russian middle blocker was almost clumsy in the way he blocked and seemed not to be in sync with their smart setter. Suga studied Nekoma's setter quite a bit - it was interesting to see someone else than Kageyama in action. And Nekoma's number 5 appeared to be quite smart as well, an observer just like him.

However, Nekoma's defense was crumbling under the quick attack tempo from Karasuno. Suga leaned forward to get a better view, his palms sweaty - he wanted to be on the court so badly. Restless eyes scanned over Nekoma's libero. He was almost as good as Noya for sure, digging the balls almost perfectly but the final toss in the end to their setter seemed off. Tosses that caused the quiet setter to stutter step to get them, falling off rhythm. Suga noticed the glares between them. Nekoma was a well-oiled machine but today the engine was acting up. They could use that, he thought. Though it wouldn't be easy.

Just as he expected, they lost the first game. Everybody was still experimenting, Karasuno would need more time to compete with a force like Nekoma. Suga and Kageyama exchanged a long look when he walked past him to the court for the rematch.

"I won't lose against you", Kageyama whispered with utter determination.

Suga straightened his posture and gave him a sharp nod. Usually, he would've smiled to cheer him up but right now there was too much tension inside his bones. He needed to prove himself worthy to be on the court - not just because Ukai-san had a good day but because his performance reflected that.

Suga found himself face to face with Nekoma's setter, who avoided his gaze by tilting his head. Blonde strands of hair covered his eyes. Curious, Suga took a few steps to the side to watch him closer. The other one flinched at the sudden attention and a slight blush appeared on his cheeks.

"Hi", Suga smiled. "You played really well the first set."

"No, I did not", was the hushed answer as he pulled up his shoulders to hide further.

Suga frowned. This setter wouldn't make it easy for him to read his movements and apparently he wasn't keen on making friends or maybe he was just shy. Hinata had found a way to communicate with him, after all. But Suga wasn't here to make friends either. He didn't need a look at the cat-like, golden eyes of his opponent, he could read his body language. Just like he had done with Oikawa.

 _Those drugs don't give you superhero abilities_ , Seijoh's captain had told him but he felt better than without them anyway. Suga's point of view had shifted from textbook to taking chances when it came to playing volleyball. So it was a set of feints, mind games and pushing Asahi to his limits. Even though he wanted to try out something new as long as he could, he still found himself relying on Asahi to break through Nekoma's defense quite a lot.

With every point they scored, he noticed how Nekoma's libero seemed to lose his cool. His passes got sloppier over the course of the game, sweat dripping from his face, shouting directions towards the tall middle blocker and their setter sounding almost pissed. Apparently, the short guy had an even shorter temper. Suga bit his lip while thinking that. Even in his head that had sounded mean. But it was so easy to see now. How the libero stumbled, how he was on edge and not fully emerged in the game, how there was boiling something beneath Nekoma's surface.

A well-rounded team, Coach Ukai had called them.

 _Not today_ , Suga thought. _Something is going on_. Without their captain, they were struggling, no matter how tall the substitute was. After they rotated, Suga pointed to everyone to huddle together.

"I know you normally want to avoid it but we should aim for their libero."

"What? He's pretty impressive, though", Daichi voiced their concerns.

Suga shook his head: "He is but he isn't Noya. He doesn't do well under pressure it seems. Let's target him."

"Suga-san, you are so mean today", Tanaka grinned, all too pleased with his game plan.

"I'm just...observing well today", Suga rubbed his neck, feeling himself blushing under all the compliments and the way his teammates looked up to him. Everybody nodded in agreement and they fanned out again to continue.

Suga usually looked for a weakness in their opponents' playstyle, not for a weakness in a person. It just wasn't his style. But this time was different. His perspective was sharpened and clear. His reactions were faster than usual. And his ability to read people on another level thanks to Oikawa's gift to him. Suga tossed the ball towards Tanaka to dodge the clumsy block from the new middle blocker and Tanaka smashed the ball right towards Nekoma's libero.

A step they repeated until you could almost cut the air on the other side of the net. In the latter half of the game, Nekoma still taking the lead by reaching 20 points first, the libero took a whole second longer to get back on his feet after a dive. Suga grinned to himself before tossing the ball to Asahi, who simply crushed the amateur block of the half-russian player with pure strength.

They saw how the libero dove forward, desperate to get the ball but it went too fast for him to reach in time. He crashed into the floor head-first and the ball dropped right next to him.

"Fuck!", he yelled in frustration that had built up the whole set and slammed his fist on the ground. "Lev! Stop wailing your arms around like a damn monkey! What are you even doing?!"

"Yakkun, calm down!", their captain shouted from the bench.

"Calm down?! All of them are slacking!", the libero got back on his feet and even at this distance, Suga could spot the various bruises on his legs and arms, similar to those Noya had.

"I'm not slacking", the new middle blocker, Lev, complained in a whiny voice. "Sorry, Yaku-senpai."

"Don't say sorry when it's not your fault", the voice of Nekoma's setter was calm but it felt as if he had dropped a bomb on the enemies' court. And the fuse led right to Yaku, who exploded immediately.

"Huh?! Do you have something to say, Kenma?! Are you defending that useless piece of-"

"YAKKUN!", Nekoma's captain was on his feet and he looked like a panther ready to pounce. Their coach called for a time-out and it didn't take more than three seconds for Nekoma's captain and their libero to enter a screaming-match, while the setter was standing in between.

"Wow", Tanaka said next to Suga. "Did you know that would happen, Suga?"

"Uh", Suga was startled himself. "Not exactly that but it felt something was off. Seems like Nekoma's team isn't as well balanced as we thought."

"Good for us", Noya appeared on his other side, bouncing up and down just as he always did. "I don't know why the libero is mad, though. He's an insanely good player."

"Maybe he is having a bad day", Daichi thought out loud.

Nekoma's coaches quickly cut into the third-years' yelling and their time-out ended with Yaku being substituted by another first-year libero.

"...and if you can't get it together, both of you are free to leave!"

"Sorry", the captain mumbled and sat back down on the bench, as far away from the libero as possible. The smaller one just scoffed and walked toward the rest of the players next to the court, arms crossed and visibly pouting. Suga blinked. That had been quite intense. They seemed so focused and quiet on the court, while in reality, they were _a mess_. At least today.

"Alright, let's win this!", Daichi's voice pushed them back on track. The game wasn't won yet.

Suga, however, had not much time to celebrate this little victory thanks to his observations. While the drug made his mind sharp as a blade, his body almost couldn't keep up with his thoughts. Even when he knew where the giant Lev was about to spike, he was too slow to block, not tall enough to reach it and messed up the timing multiple times. A well-working mind didn't suddenly make up for his lacking athletic capabilities. Time after time he missed the ball just by an inch, his fingertips not able to reach or if they were, sending the ball in a totally wrong direction - even while being on pills he couldn't compete with Kageyama's precise level of tossing.

Frustration built up in Suga's chest, tightening his throat and making it hard for him to focus despite the mindshard. How could it be that he even had sharpened his senses and he still was falling behind? He had three years more of experience, he could see even the slightest movement on the court right now and still, his body betrayed him by being too slow, too late, too clumsy.

Despite Nekoma having two substitutes on the field, Karasuno lost the rematch.

Suga's fingers buried into the hem of his jersey as they came together for a brief discussion. Tears prickled behind his eyes but he tried to keep it together and just clenched his teeth as hard as he could. They would be playing the third match. But not him. It was Kageyama's turn again and as the younger one walked past him again, Suga knew that this was his place. Behind him. On the sidelines. Even when he had given his all it hadn't been enough.

"Sugawara. A word", Ukai-san nudged his chin away from the bench and took him aside.

He had trouble looking directly into his face. Suga kept his eyelids partly closed, desperately trying not to blink or the tears inside his eyes would spill over.

"You did well", Ukai's voice sounded far away, while his mind was spinning. "Your dependability will be a great support for whenever Kageyama can't play. You are the heart of the team, don't forget that."

"If I'm the heart I should be right in the middle of them", he cut through his words, too frustrated to hold back. But Suga realized his mistake instantly, pushing the back of his hand against his mouth. Now the tears ran down his cheeks. "I'm sorry, Ukai-san", he mumbled against his hand.

"It's okay to be frustrated", Ukai-san grabbed his shoulder with a firm grip. "But underneath all this frustration should be pride. You have improved significantly during the last week and I'm sure there is more improvement coming. Karasuno has to form itself anew. And you will be an important part of it."

His words were meant to be encouraging and Suga was thankful for that. But he couldn't appreciate them as usual. With a soft sob, he wiped away his tears and nodded. There was no point in arguing with the coach: "Thanks for giving me the chance", he said instead and bowed his head before walking over to the rest of the substitutes, eyes still glassy.

He needed to do more. He needed to train harder. He needed to push himself. He needed Oikawa.


	14. Asahi - stormy hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Asahi hopelessly falls in love with Nishinoya Yū.

"My body is one giant torn muscle", Asahi groaned while he adjusted the guitar case on top of his bag. It wasn't that heavy but the last week had left quite the mark on him. He was exhausted from training and their games against Nekoma today. Plus, he had been practising with Nishinoya after dinner as well.

"You don't have to complain so much, I already said we wouldn't jog home", speaking of Nishinoya, their libero was hopping right next to him, seemingly unaffected by the hard week of exercise as usual. Nishinoya simply was a spring of neverending energy. Asahi was glad that they had decided to cancel their evening jogs for at least today and were just walking home together.

However, with the walk still being slow, Asahi could feel every single step in his bones. Not because he was exhausted but because he wasn't sure what would happen once they had reached his house. The past week had been an emotional rollercoaster for him. Once he had revealed his feelings towards Nishinoya through his song by accident, the libero had been circling around him like a moth drawn to light. Apart from brushing his hair each morning, he had made no other moves and Asahi wasn't sure, how they should continue.

Training camp had been some kind of limbo, where real-life became blurry and didn't matter. They had been in their own little bubble, dancing around each other, encouraging each other during practice and exchanging long looks before falling asleep every night. But now they were about to leave this sacred bubble and Asahi wasn't sure if Nishinoya would follow him into real life as well.

He was flighty, after all. The way he dashed through life, he reminded Asahi of a hummingbird. He got distracted by little details on the way, hovered around them before leaving them behind for something more interesting. Asahi wondered if he was interesting enough to keep Nishinoya's attention.

"What's with the sad face already?", his voice pulled him out of his rumination.

"Uh", again Nishinoya had caught him. "Nothing."

He could feel his big honey-brown eyes on him but tried to focus on the road ahead. Slowly, they walked up the mountain together. It was a clear night, moonlight streamed across the street and painted Nishinoya in its white light. Asahi bit his lip, trying not to stare at him too much. It was already hard enough to keep up with his thoughts when he wasn't looking.

A gentle tug on his sleeve. Nishinoya's fingers slipped past the fabric of his grey sweater and grabbed for his hand. Immediately, their pace got slower, trying to adapt to each other's speed. Asahi's palm was sweaty. He wanted to pull away to at least rub it off on his pants but Nishinoya laced their fingers just like he had done it in their dorm during camp. Finally, Asahi gathered enough courage to look at him.

Nishinoya's eyes were cast up to the night sky and while the moon bathed him in milky light, Asahi noticed a soft blush blossoming on his cheeks and nose. He squeezed the way smaller hand softly. Shy fingertips stroked over the back of Nishinoya's hand as they continued their way up the mountain.

 _We really suck with words_ , Asahi thought. Inside him, everything was screaming to talk to Karasuno's libero, to clear things up so they could be on the same page. In reality, Asahi simply didn't want to destroy this moment. Holding hands under a starry sky, being all alone on the street? For a romantic like Asahi, this was heaven. And silence with Nishinoya was surprisingly peaceful. Their situation might be uncertain yet the quiet wasn't awkward. As much as Nishinoya yelled throughout the day, now he seemed at loss for words and as he stole another glance, Asahi noticed the sweet little smile tugging at Nishinoya's lips. His heart almost skipped a beat.

Asahi was a boy full of questions and doubts when it came to life and his whole existence but he was certain of one sole thing: He was hopelessly falling in love with Nishinoya Yū.

"The song from camp. Could you play it again?", Nishinoya stopped and held onto his hand.

"N-Now?", Asahi blinked in surprise.

"Why not?"

"In the middle of the street?"

"We could go behind the guardrail in case a car passes by, but yes!", he let go and was already on his way to cross the street. Asahi watched how he jumped across the barrier and then sat on top of it, waving him over. Asahi didn't want to play the song he had dedicated to his crush in front of his crush. That was humiliating. It had only worked in the first place because he had thought Nishinoya hadn't been around. But now he was sitting there, getting rid of his bag and just in a shirt and short pants even though it was slowly getting colder, expecting him to play a concert on the street. And the worst part was: Asahi couldn't bring himself to say _No_ to the expectant, cute face he made.

"Okay...but it's really wonky", he followed him over the guardrail, turning his back on the street and putting down his baggage. The mountain here fell into a grassy slope but it was still pretty steep. A sight, which made Asahi press closer to the reassuring barrier behind him.

"Did you write it yourself?", the way Nishinoya looked at him with this sincere attention and admiration made Asahi even more nervous than back at camp as he had tried to play in front of everyone. With shaking fingers he pulled out the guitar and tuned it.

"I didn't really write it...", he muttered.

"Oh?"

"It's just...in my head."

"What? You must be a musical genius then!", it was almost ridiculous the way he said it. So genuine with his big, innocent eyes and lips forming an impressed 'O'. Asahi wasn't used to somebody looking at him like that. As if he was something special, something worth admiring. It was a new feeling and it was a strange one. He could feel a lump forming in his throat because he had no clue how to deal with this much attention.

"I'm not. It just helps to put feelings into music sometimes", the nervousness made him talkative and before he could control what he was saying, words were already spilling out. "And I'm pretty sure I've changed the lyrics a thousand times, so I'm not sure if I can get it exactly right again and-"

"Asahi-san", Nishinoya hopped from the railing to stand in front of him, smiling. "Inhale."

Karasuno's ace almost melted at the soft and gentle tone.

"Right", he nodded and inhaled a deep breath to calm himself. "Okay, uhm...here we go."

**[Note: If you want to listen along to Asahi's song,["He"](https://youtu.be/AR7APn5pFX4) again, open this link in a new tab]**

Asahi looked right into Nishinoya's face, who was glancing back, an eager smile pulling the corner of his lips. He shifted back and forth on his feet because Nishinoya simply couldn't stay still for more than one second and the cute blonde tuft of hair bounced with every movement.

A wild and untamed thunderstorm crammed into a person's body. Sparkling with energy, electric and dangerous but irresistible. Asahi wanted to chase him into whatever adventure he held for him even though he knew he couldn't keep up. Nishinoya was shining bright and fierce whereas he was nothing more than a drop of rain on asphalt, the quiet after the storm nobody noticed because the thunder still rang in their ears. They shouldn't match, yet Asahi wanted him more than anything.

_Am I allowed to look at him like that?  
Could it be wrong  
When he's just so nice to look at?_

Asahi closed his eyes while playing, trying to imagine his windowsill and the calmness of his room and not focus on Nishinoya, who didn't look away for a second. It was impossible to ignore his striking presence, though. His voice cracked while singing and he played a wrong note. Heat crept up his neck, his heart thudding heavily in his chest.

_And he smells like lemongrass and sleep  
He tastes like apple juice and peach  
Oh, he would be at home in a Polaroid photo_

This was the brighter version of the song. The version he had sung first before they had faced Date Tech and before he had run away. Just for himself, on his bed, thinking of how Nishinoya whirled around, making every room brighter with his sheer existence.  


_And he...  
Means everything to me_

Asahi's fingers plucked the strings one last time before he stopped. The music had calmed him, however, as he was about to open his eyes again, the anxiety came back. What if Nishinoya didn't like it? What if he had left already because it was so bad? Slowly, Asahi opened his eyes, expecting the worst.

Nishinoya had come closer and was still grinning but in his hand, he held his phone directed at Asahi. The taller one almost dropped his guitar, which caused Nishinoya to chuckle. He flipped the phone in his hand and showed Asahi the recording he just had made.

"Oh, no", Asahi's face was burning. "Please, that's so embarrassing."

"I won't show anyone. But I also wanna keep it."

"I don't know, Nishinoya...", the thought of him watching Asahi perform over and over made him nauseous. He wasn't photogenic at all, he must look terrible and then his voice, oh no...

"The song is about me, right? Then I should be allowed to keep it", the smaller one grinned, convinced that this argument would work. And Asahi had to admit...it did. It _was_ a song about Nishinoya after all.

"Fine, but you're only allowed to listen to it while wearing headphones."

"Awesome! Thanks, Asahi-san!", he let the phone slip back into his pockets and Asahi hurried to put away the guitar before Nishinoya could demand any more songs of him. As he was about to shoulder his bag again, the libero jumped into his view and grabbed for the shoulder strap of his bag to stop him from moving. Asahi waited for him to say something, he almost expected him to criticize him for the changed up lyrics or anything but Nishinoya just stared at him.

And while he did so, his gaze pulled him in, closer to his stunning eyes and the flushed face. Asahi noticed how he leaned down, Nishinoya's face coming closer until he could see the pools of darkened honey inside his iris. His mouth suddenly became terribly dry, his heart was pulsing in his veins. Again, Asahi wanted to say something but he couldn't think of anything that was able to express his feelings this very moment. He had wanted this for months, had dreamed of Nishinoya's lips plenty of times but in his imagination, it had always been impulsive and wild because this was how he saw the smaller one.

However, tonight he showed a totally different side of him. Somehow, Asahi was touched Nishinoya trusted him so much he could be this vulnerable with him. Because this was how it felt, faces but inches apart, just drowning in each other's gaze and laying bare every heartbeat, every breath, every spark of yearning.

Neither of them was able to cross the distance, though. Asahi felt frozen in time, felt as if he dared to move or speak, Nishinoya would escape his grip - in his mind, he was still too wild to be tamed, a storm rushing through his heart, too perfect to be real. Nishinoya tilted his head and raised himself on tiptoes and Asahi simply held his breath.

Instead of soft lips brushing against his, Nishinoya's hands wrapped around his neck and the libero pulled him into a warm hug. Asahi didn't hesitate a second but returned the hug. He fit perfectly into his arms. With him standing on his toes, Asahi could rub his cheeks against his dark hair, while squeezing him tightly. Nishinoya's shirt rucked upwards, revealing his hip and stomach and in an attempt to pull it down for him, Asahi's fingers stroked over his cold skin. Goosebumps followed his touch down to the waistband of Nishinoya's pants.

"We should go. You must be cold."

His answer came in the form of hugging him tighter and Asahi could feel the heat rushing in the centre of his body, where Nishinoya was holding him close. Yes, the night was becoming chilly but Asahi felt none of that. The way Nishinoya's body was pressing against him would be the end of him. A distant voice inside his head reminded him to breathe.

In the end, it was Nishinoya who stepped back - not without squeezing his hand before fully letting go - and pulled down his shirt with red cheeks.

"Alright, I'll walk you home", he sounded out of breath as well. Yet here he was, within seconds his usual, energetic self, who hopped over the guardrail with ease and waited for him impatiently as if Asahi had been the one, who had derailed their walk home. Karasuno's ace couldn't help but smile.

He followed him because of course, he would follow him, always, no matter how tired he was, how often Nishinoya would ask him to run up this damn mountain with him, he would do it anytime. When crossing the street, their hands found each other again, fingers intertwined they continued their way home, a bit slower than before, neither of them wanting to reach their destination just yet.

After a while, Nishinoya started to softly hum. It was a bit too fast and lively to match the melancholic melody of Asahi's guitar play but he knew he was trying to hum his song. And maybe he simply did the Nishinoya-version of it. The libero lifted their hands and twirled beneath them, dancing around him without letting go of him. A surprised laugh bucked inside Asahi's chest. Again he was in awe how Nishinoya walked through life.

When they turned into Asahi's street, the humming subsided.

"So", Nishinoya looked up to him, suddenly seeming nervous. "Uh, sleep well, Asahi-san."

"Just Asahi is fine."

"Eh?"

"I mean...if that's okay with you."

"Sure", Nishinoya nodded and let go of his hand to play with the hem of his shirt. Apparently, this was the awkward moment where neither of them knew how to say goodbye and Asahi was no help for Nishinoya, he could feel his cheeks burning just the same. "Just Noya is fine, too."

"Right", why was this suddenly so embarrassing? Should he hug him again? Or kiss him, even? No, he couldn't do that. "Good night, Nish- Noya", he corrected himself, stumbling over his own tongue.

Noya made a step forward and got on his tiptoes again. Asahi leaned down and while doing so, noticed that Noya wasn't raising his arms for a hug. Instead, he tilted his head and pressed his lips on Asahi's stubbly cheek. Even though heat had flushed to his face, the touch of Noya's mouth felt way warmer. It was surprisingly gentle and he was back on his feet within seconds - a brief, innocent kiss - but Asahi's heart pounded heavily inside his chest.

"Good night, Asahi!", Noya gasped, apparently startled by his own boldness and jogged away, turning around once more, to wave at him with his infectious smile, leaving Asahi in front of his house. Karasuno's ace reached for his cheek, trembling fingers touching the exact same spot, trying to comprehend what just had happened.

"Good night, Noya", he whispered into the empty street, blown away by his personal thunderstorm.


	15. Kuroo - broken promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kuroo is awfully oblivious.

"If I ever see any of this shit you pulled today again, you both will be spending the Prelims on the bench. You were an embarrassment for everything Nekomata-sensei has worked for the past years, screaming around like children in front of another team. You sort this out right now. By the time we reach Tokyo you better have gotten your shit together."

"Yes, Naoi-san", both of them averted their gaze from their coach, who didn't hide his disappointment in them at all. Those words had left a significant mark. Kuroo's shoulder's sloped as he turned away and went back to his seat on the train. Yaku trailed after him, still watching his shoes as he flopped down next to him. The rest of the team sat on the other part of the train compartment and Kuroo could feel them glancing over curiously. Naoi had pulled them away and crossed their line of sight. The coach was fuming and glared at them. Kuroo tried to shake off his intense gaze and sighed.

This had been such a mess. Kuroo had been on edge the whole day, desperate to get on the court when he had seen Lev struggling but no, he wasn't allowed to play just yet because of this stupid head injury. And then there was Kenma, who should've been fine but he wasn't, there still was some tension between him and their libero even though they had had such a good talk. But the thing that had infuriated him the most was the way Yaku had snapped. Kuroo knew Yaku could be a spitting cat when he had built up frustration but he would never let him talk to their kouhai this way. It simply wasn't right.

"You have to watch your mouth, Yakkun", he finally said, breaking the taut silence between them with a warning tone. "You will not talk to Lev or Kenma like that again."

"Tsk", Yaku's leg was shaking next to his. Kuroo watched how the smaller one turned in his seat, the muscles of his thighs visibly tensing up as he buried his fingers into the flesh.

"You are their senpai. You are the solid foundation of our defense. You can't lose your temper, ever. Not during a match."

Yaku didn't answer him. His fingers slid over his leg, finding one of the bruises on the outer side of his thigh and pushing right into it. A suppressed gasp escaped their libero, as he pressed his nail deeper into the spot. Kuroo grabbed his wrist.

"Get it together", he demanded. They had no time for this kind of game. They needed to be a unit, especially now. This was their last year, their last chance. They couldn't afford to break apart right now. Yaku's body became stiff but he stopped. Kuroo watched how he clenched his teeth before he gave him a short nod. Nekoma's captain let go of his wrist.

"I want to win Nationals."

"We all want that."

"No, you don't get it, Kuroo. I _really_ want to win", Yaku had shifted in his seat and looked directly into his face now. Kuroo noticed the wet shimmer in his dark eyes, staring at him almost desperately. "Kenma, Lev - none of them will continue to play after school and you know that. They are going to give their best because they want to support us third-years but for them, it's just a club, a fun pastime."

Kuroo wanted to object immediately. But as he opened his mouth, thinking of his best friend, he stopped. Yes, they both knew Kenma would quit volleyball after school. Sometimes they weren't even sure why he still was with them, especially when he complained about training or was at his limits whenever they went for an endurance run. Yaku was approaching their goal in a whole different angle. Kuroo's eyes wandered over his bruised legs once more; their libero threw himself into every obstacle to clear the path for them. Without thinking, he placed his hand on Yaku's thigh, his thumb gently stroking over one of the bruises.

He had promised Kenma they wouldn't fool around anymore. But this was different. He could understand Yaku's struggle and his frustration - they weren't just fuckbuddies, they were friends who had been through so much and he needed his support right now. He didn't need a team captain yelling at him. So Kuroo's hand stayed where it was, applying just enough pressure to not hurt Yaku but to show him he wasn't alone in this.

"You can't change them but you can try to teach them. _Teach_ , not force. I know we can grow together as a team, I know we have the abilities to make it to Nationals. But if we two keep clashing, neither of us will go."

Yaku's fingers stroked over the back of his hand before he squeezed his palm tightly.

"I don't wanna argue", he admitted, his voice getting softer. The tone made Kuroo's hair strands on the back of his neck stand on end. He knew this voice all too well. Yaku only used it when they were alone, their bodies sinking into each other, fingers running through their hair and over naked skin. The sole exception where Yaku dropped his grouchy mask and gave room for lust and desire.

Kuroo pulled his hand away. He couldn't. Not anymore.

"We can't keep doing this, Yakkun."

Kuroo had been thinking a lot about how to approach Yaku about this. He had thought it would be simple because them having sex had always been a casual thing, they had never felt embarrassed talking about it and it had never changed the way they acted towards each other but during the last week, Kuroo knew he had been naive. Something had changed. Otherwise, the atmosphere inside the team, especially towards Kenma, wouldn't have been so tensed up.

Instead of flipping out at him again, Yaku bit his lip and turned away his head.

"It's just...", Kuroo suddenly felt guilty. "We are destroying the team's balance."

"Sure", was the short answer but it sounded sarcastic. Yaku raised his hand and wiped over his eyes with the sleeve of his Nekoma jacket, still avoiding Kuroo's face. " _We_ are destroying the team."

"I mean, it's no big deal, right?", Kuroo wasn't sure if he was making it worse. But slowly, it dawned on him Yaku might be seeing their whole affair in another light than him. He could feel the nervousness forming a tight knot inside his chest. Restlessly, Kuroo let his fingers run through his messy, black hair, not knowing what else to do.

"It never was", Yaku spit out. "Actually, it was so casual nobody noticed and we didn't disturb the team dynamic at all. For literal _months_ nobody had a clue but now our precious setter knows about it, so you want us to stop."

Kuroo gulped.

"So, tell me, Kuroo", finally, he looked at him again and the welling tears were gone, replaced by fiery sparks flaring inside his eyes. "If Kenma is the one feeling uncomfortable about it, why would this be our problem?"

"Because we are a team. We just had this conversation, Yakkun. We can't keep doing shit all by ourselves, we destroy-"

"-the balance of the team, yeah. Whatever", Yaku dismissed his argument with a wave of his hand. "I'm sure you babying Kenma has nothing to do with it."

"I'm not-"

"Oh, come on. Stop lying straight to my face, you are better than that." Yaku never held back when it came to speaking his mind. Especially not towards Kuroo. Their constant bickering had led to them making out to begin with; nothing better to blow off some steam after an argument than by having sex. Kuroo had never complained, no, he really liked to shut Yaku's mouth with a hard kiss whenever they wouldn't stop arguing. However, he had made a promise. And he was determined to keep it. Even if this meant Yaku and he would argue a lot more in the future. It also meant he couldn't shush him with a kiss right now and had to listen to his accusations. Accusations not so far from the truth, which annoyed Kuroo even more.

"I'm not babying Kenma", he grunted.

Yaku's lips pulled into a bleak smile: "Everybody knows you are. Hell, our whole team is based on catering to Kenma's needs - _never stop flowing, so the brain can operate at his best_."

"And suddenly you have a problem with that?"

"No. My problem is that I've to limit my sex life because our precious setter feels uncomfortable whereas he is allowed to have a crush on you as if that wouldn't destroy the balance of Nekoma."

"Eh? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Kuroo, are you kidding me right now? You can't be that oblivious", Yaku rolled his eyes at Kuroo's surprise. Nekoma's captain felt the heat simmering under his skin and the tip of his ears got glaring red. "Use your damn brain. We were doing amazing the past games until Kenma caught us having sex-"

"Wait, you knew he knew?"

" _Oh my god, you are so_ -", Yaku rubbed his forehead with his palm, seemingly annoyed. "His surprised gasp was echoing like miles away. Whatever - so he finds out and suddenly he has a problem with me but not with you - why do you think that is?"

"Uhm", Kuroo was dumbfounded. Everything Yaku said, crossed his mind for the first time right now and suddenly his conversation with Kenma inside that storage room appeared in a totally different light. "Because he...he..."

"He is jealous, idiot", Yaku's elbow hit him right between the ribs and made him groan in pain. "So he pretends our sex life disrupts our volleyball skills - which isn't true by the way but we both know that - and of course his humble servant, our blindsided captain Kuroo, falls for it and does as our beloved prince says."

"But Kenma doesn't do crushes."

"What are you talking about? He is crazy about you since I met him."

"But he told me it's about the team's balance", Kuroo whispered, heart thudding heavily in his chest.

"Well, he lied."

"But we never lie to each other."

"Really, Kuroo?", they exchanged a long look. Yaku cocked an eyebrow in disbelief and doubts ground into Kuroo's stomach like cold drops of water. Kenma had assured him he had no crush at the moment. They never talked about these things because he was always so embarrassed whenever Kuroo tried, so he had simply thought Kenma wasn't into in this kind of stuff. However, he had referred to a possible crush as a "he", so- but no, this made no sense at all! They were best friends. Kenma never followed his feelings just the facts and if the facts were that Nekoma was off their game because he was having an affair with Yaku then that must be true.

But it wasn't.

Yaku had been playing amazingly the past weeks. He had put in so much extra effort himself to keep up, had pushed himself, even on the weekends while training with Bokuto. They had worked as a true unit, they had been so optimistic about all the games to come until-

Until Kenma had caught them in the bathroom.

"Argh!", Kuroo slapped both of his palms against his burning cheeks. "Why did you tell me, Yakkun?! This is awful. Rewind, please."

"Figured it was time for a reality check", Yaku chuckled but the laugh didn't reach his eyes. He was still staring him down with that fierce gaze and it was almost cocky how he seemed to enjoy Kuroo squirming under the news.

"What do I do now?", Kuroo whispered, more to himself than to the libero. He lowered his hands and grabbed his knees, the thoughts in his mind racing. He needed to talk to Kenma. This would without doubt be the most uncomfortable conversation that they ever would engage in. The tight knot inside his chest had crept up his throat. Kuroo swallowed hard.

"You seem stressed", Yaku's voice sounded alarmingly calm.

"I _am_ stressed, dumbass."

"I have efficient means of overcoming an emotional crisis."

Slowly, Kuroo turned his head towards Yaku. The lips of Nekoma's libero pulled into a sassy smirk.

"Are you really hitting on me right now?"

"Does it work?", Yaku put his arm on the backrest of Kuroo's seat and shifted his upper body towards him. He noticed how he stretched his leg, the tip of his foot tapping on the floor in a calm and steady rhythm. Kuroo's obsidian eyes were locked onto his pale skin covered with numerous bruises up to the inner side of his thigh, where the skin was smooth and unharmed. He could feel the hunger smoulder in his lower belly.

"Fuck you", Kuroo tore himself away from Yaku's tempting body and stared out of the window instead. "I can't. I promised Kenma."

"Kenma also promised he wouldn't lie to you."

Yaku's fingers touched the back of his head, drawing little circles through his hair before wandering down to the nape of his neck. Kuroo inhaled the air between clenched teeth, trying to keep his composure. He could already feel his body reacting to him. During the past months Yaku had found out how to tease him in the most efficient ways, so it was no surprise he went for the sensitive skin of his neck and under his ear. A place you could easily touch in public without anybody paying you any mind. Kuroo bit his lip as the tension in his body loosened, gradually melting under the subtle touch.

"Stop", he managed to get out and leaned forward in his seat to escape Yaku's deft fingers. "I need to think."

"I'm not stopping you."

"Hell, you know you are."

"Okay. You win", Yaku put up his hands defensively and grinned.

"Thanks."

He needed to think. He needed to work this out. He needed to talk with Kenma but how would this conversation even go? Kuroo didn't want to lose him. Damn, he couldn't even imagine a life without Kenma at his side. They had been friends since forever - if he talked to him their whole dynamic would change. However, he couldn't simply ignore what he just had found out. Kuroo peered at the rest of their team, sitting further away. Kenma and Yamamoto were bent over Yamamoto's PSP and absorbed in the videogame they had been obsessed with for about week.

Being around Kenma grounded him, made him feel at peace - there was no other person he could hang out with for hours without talking a single word. Solely spending time together in the same room made him happy. It was always uncomplicated, there was no drama involved with Kenma, enjoying each other's company while going about their day. Kuroo valued their friendship above anything else but as he looked at Kenma in this very moment, the tranquil feeling he always had when he was around, didn't reach his heart. Instead, it was a whirlwind of emotions fighting inside his chest, unable to proceed. Kuroo sighed inwardly. What was going on?

Their friendship would never be the same.

Yaku's friendship was different, though. They were always competing, always bickering, always teasing each other - their feelings hadn't changed even though their behaviour towards each other had. Kuroo still knew he could count on Yaku in and out of game, the flirting and fucking was just a plus. It was nothing more. Nothing that could harm their friendship.

The thought of Kenma and him doing those exact same things caused Kuroo to blush. Kenma sitting on the bathroom counter, legs wrapped around his shoulders, so Kuroo's mouth could reach-

Nope. Never.

He needed air. Kuroo grabbed for Yaku's thigh once more, his grip a lot tighter than he intended it to be and looked at the smaller one, a deep growl escaping his throat. Yaku trembled under his grasp, his hand finding its way back towards Kuroo's neck.

"Done with thinking?", Yaku asked, his fingers playing with the tug of his shirt.

"Naoi-san", Kuroo tried to get their coach's attention. "We are getting along now."

When they left the train, Naoi still didn't seem fully convinced but neither of them cared. While everyone was grabbing their stuff, Kuroo reached for Yaku's wrist and pulled him along. They tried to sneak off but of course, Kenma would notice them. Normally, he would walk home with him. Kuroo glanced over his shoulder. His best friend was still talking with Yamamoto about their videogame, not looking in their direction. A slight hint of guilt poked at the back of his head but Kuroo decided to ignore it. Yaku and he ran away towards their sports hall without telling anyone goodbye.

As captain Kuroo had a key to the gym, however, it almost wasn't needed because before they could reach the building, Yaku dragged him into a kiss. Despite being way smaller than him, Yaku had no problem with pushing him around and pulling him to where he wanted him to be - Kuroo didn't mind at all. There was barely anything better than crashing into a hard and passionate kiss with Yaku, teeth scraping against each other before biting down on the other one's lip, tongues being sucked into the other one's mouth, while Yaku's nails scratched over his neck and shoulders.

Kuroo's hands found their way down Yaku's back. With a firm grip around his butt, he lifted him and they tumbled against the wall of the gym. Nekoma's captain pressed him harder against the surface and Yaku responded with a greedy moan against his mouth. His legs wrapped tightly around his hips, pulling him closer which almost wasn't possible.

No, he definitely couldn't imagine Kenma and him doing this. Kenma never lost control, Kenma never let his desire take over, Kenma would never- Kuroo hesitated for a second when Yaku's teeth sank into his lower lip. Why was he thinking about Kenma right now? Kuroo opened his eyes to get the image of his best friend out of his head and stared right into Yaku's eyes, impatient and needy.

"Get the damn key already."

"R-Right", Kuroo let him down and reached for the keys in his pocket. It took him three attempts to unlock the door - his mind was a mess. But Yaku tried his best to wipe away any thoughts, as he entered the gym and immediately took off his jacket, followed by his shirt.

"Why so shy, captain?"

Kuroo closed the door behind them and caught up with him, lifting him up once more.

"I'll show you shy", he growled against Yaku's neck.


	16. Suga - blood or blush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Iwaizumi offers advice.

Was he a fool for coming here? Was he chasing after something he'd never have? Suga had never been that competitive until a few weeks ago. He couldn't simply let it go. And part of the reason why was Oikawa Tōru. What kind of spell had he put on him? Now he spent the night tossing and turning in bed, thinking about how to improve, how to push himself further. Suga was one to observe and analyze before acting out, however, when Oikawa was around his mind was muddled and all his decisions were on the line of regret.

This one was no different.

He peeked into Seijoh's gym. It was late, their evening practice was over and yet you could hear the ball bouncing inside. The hall was empty apart from two people at the end of the gym. Oikawa was practising his serve, their ace, Iwaizumi, watching from the bench. Suga watched how Oikawa closed his eyes, his forehead gently resting against the volleyball before he tossed it up in the air and took a run. His back and legs arched in a perfect angle, storing the energy before he unleashed it in a flawless jump serve. It crashed onto the other side of the court with a reverberating bang. Suga's eyes widened. _Wow._

"Iwa-chan! Did you see that?!"

"Yeah. Nice one. Now let's wrap it up."

"We barely started!"

"Coach said you shouldn't overwork yourself, so no more extra practice."

"But my other training buddy just arrived", Suga flinched as Oikawa pointed at him without even looking in his direction. He froze in the middle of the doorframe. Iwaizumi looked past his friend and his eyes scanned Suga from head to toe until there was recognition on his face. He frowned.

"What the hell is he doing here?"

"I invited him", finally, Oikawa turned towards him and waved at him enthusiastically. "Oi, Suga-chan, don't be shy, come over here~!" Suga slipped into his volleyball shoes and entered the hall hesitantly. Under Iwaizumi's piercing glare he approached them carefully. Again, Oikawa hadn't announced his presence to his friend just like back then when they had met up at the sports ground. Suga and Seijoh's ace had had a bad start already and somehow he was certain today wouldn't improve their relationship.

But it wasn't only Iwaizumi he worried about, it was Oikawa as well. They hadn't been talking much apart from deciding to meet at Aoba Johsai. Suga's shoulders were tense when he finally approached them, his eyes darting up towards Oikawa's fake smile - or was it a real one? He couldn't tell. Seijoh's captain put an arm around him and pushed Suga's chin up with a flick of his finger.

"So glad you could make it, Suga-chan", he purred, their faces but inches apart. His breath tickled over Suga's lips and he could feel the heat creeping up his neck. Suga tried to hold eye contact with Oikawa's enticing glance, eyes half-lidded and staring right into his soul. As always, Oikawa was too intense to be a normal human being, Suga thought, his palms starting to sweat.

"Thanks for having me", he rasped, his voice not able to produce more than a whisper.

Iwaizumi snorted.

"Students from other schools aren't allowed in the gym."

"Iwa-chan, don't be such a buzzkill", Oikawa whined like a toddler before his expression changed into the flirty self Suga knew within seconds. _Creepy_ , Suga thought. Even around his best friend, he was putting on a show it seemed. Would he ever get a glimpse of the real Oikawa? "Nobody but us knows about it and you won't tell on us, eh?"

Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow at them, still frowning.

Seijoh's captain moved behind Suga and suddenly, his strong arms wrapped around him. He almost let out a surprised squeal but managed to bit his lip in the last second. Oikawa's warm body rubbed against his back, as his hands crossed in front of Suga's stomach. With a soft chuckle, he put his chin on Suga's shoulder, the fluffy tips of his hair brushing against his neck.

"Please, I didn't even get to play with him, Iwa-chan."

A mix of arousal and embarrassment tumbled in Suga's stomach. Locked in Oikawa's grip, he had no other choice but to look at Iwaizumi even though he wanted nothing more than to hide. The way Oikawa talked about him as if he was some kind of toy was so degrading and yet he said it with this almost needy tone it made Suga _want_ to be played with. A shiver ran down his spine, desire forming as a slight pull in his groin.

"Tsk", Iwaizumi crossed his arms. "Do what you want, dumbass."

Suga wasn't sure if he was imagining it but there was a hint of pity in Iwaizumi's eyes when he looked at him one last time before walking back to the bench. Oikawa let go of him and grabbed the volleyball from the floor: "Back to serving then!"

A bit lost, Suga was left in the middle of the court. Whereas Seijoh's ace started to stretch, Oikawa got back into position for a serve. Still, it felt like they didn't want him here. Both were totally immersed in their routines. It was so hard to read Oikawa's signals. While his face always showed a variety of expressions, Suga had the subtle feeling none of them was sincere. However, he wouldn't invite him to mock him again, right? No, Oikawa appeared tired of mocking him and Iwaizumi also wasn't interested. So why was he here?

"Suga-chan, don't just stand around. Come over here! I bet your serves could use some improvement, too", Oikawa demanded without taking his eyes off the ball inside his hand. The sigh that parted Suga's lips was full of relief. So he wanted him around after all.

"Let's work on some other techniques before we talk about our _minds_ , eh?", Oikawa murmured as Suga was standing next to him and went for another jump serve but this time, while it was still immensely powerful, it went out. He tried to calm himself. This was just volleyball, he played every day. It didn't matter that his partner was Oikawa right now. Actually, he should take Asahi's advice and learn some tricks from Oikawa. Maybe he would be able to learn a jump serve, too?

"Could you show me- uh", Suga stopped mid-sentence when Seijoh's captain shot him a glare. He had been about to hit another serve and his words must've interrupted his concentration. "Sorry."

Oikawa's jaw was flexed as he threw the ball and his mouth was a hard line - all the flirty, careless attitude was gone when he sprinted and leapt upwards, his hand smashing down on the ball with full force. It banged so loud, Suga flinched as if a bomb detonated right next to his ear. This time, Oikawa managed to keep it inside the court. He let out a shout of joy, briefly, before he looked back at Suga with a stern expression.

"Could you show me how...uh, how to do that?"

"You wanna learn how to serve like me?", the amusing tone suddenly made Suga feel ashamed. "Sure, Suga-chan, I'll show you anything you want." Oikawa passed him another ball and roamed around him. Again, he could feel the heat from his body in his back. Rough palms wandered over Suga's naked arms. "Although I'm not sure if you can hit that hard with those noodle arms."

Compliments paired with a daunting glare. Strokes from curious hands with a voice of ice. Teasing flirts with a false smile on tempting lips. He was in over his head. Suga could feel how his body became rigid. As someone who relied on his empathy to get around people, Oikawa was a blank wall. No marks, nothing to grasp for him. Without realising, he took a step back and left the stage for Aoba Johsai's captain, who took it all too gladly, continuing his training.

Fingers tightened to fist, pressing against his thighs.

"Wanna do some passing drills?", Iwaizumi leaned next to Suga against the wall, a ball under his arm. "He's in the zone. You can't get through him when he's like that."

"I see", Suga watched how Oikawa spiked ball after ball into the other court, some went out, some would've scored in a real match because he was sure, nobody would be able to receive them. His hits were almost brutal and yet he had terrifying control over them. "Yes, let's do some passes."

He didn't know why Iwaizumi suddenly wanted to train with him but he didn't refuse. Maybe he really was pitying him. But it didn't matter, he had come all the way here to train and Iwaizumi was an amazing player as well. Even if he was an asshole, it was not like Oikawa was a saint.

So they strolled past Oikawa, towards the other court and started with normal passing drills. The loud sound of serves hitting the floor startled Suga, especially when they came down close to them but he tried to concentrate on his partner instead. Iwaizumi was surprisingly focused although he must've had a day full of practice already behind him. He was smaller than Oikawa but his body a lot more muscular, almost sturdy. And even during passing the frown on his face didn't disappear.

They probably would never get along. Hell, Suga wasn't even sure if he and Oikawa got along.

"I'm gonna give you an advice", Iwaizumi suddenly broke their silence, returning an overhand pass towards him with perfect precision. "Oikawa is-"

"Oh shit! Watch out, that's a home run!"

Suga heard Oikawa yell but he couldn't react in time. He had been too focused on the ball Iwaizumi just had passed to him. The next thing he noticed was a sharp pain as a ball slammed right into his face. For a split second, everything went dark and when he opened his eyes again, he was losing his balance. Suga crashed onto the floor, the ball Oikawa had spiked, rolling off, the other one, he had tried to receive, landing on top of him. Tears welled up in his eyes and his whole face felt like it was on fire.

"What the hell, dumbass!", Iwaizumi screamed. Suga's vision was blurred so it took him a while to recognize Iwaizumi's face above him. The frown had made room for outright concern. "Oh shit. You alright, Karasuno?"

"Urgh", Suga pushed himself into a sitting position and the sudden movement made him nauseous. When he pressed a hand against his mouth, something warm poured over his fingers. At the sight of blood covering his hand, Suga's breath changed into rapid bursts.

"Suga-chan, I'm sorry! That ball just went flying!"

"You fucking suck, how do you manage to hit him while having the whole hall for yourself?!"

"It was not intentional!"

Their bickering was solely background noise for Suga, who carefully examined his nose with shaking fingertips. It didn't seem broken, however, he was still bleeding immensely out of it. Finally, the other two cut it off and Oikawa pushed Iwaizumi aside to kneel before him. Suga tried to blink his tears away as he stared into Oikawa's worried face.

"Let's get you some tissues. Can you get up?"

It was the first time he saw a genuine Oikawa. He was honestly upset, the way he reached for Suga's shoulder and brought his face close, not to flirt with him or tease him but to expect the damage.

"If you help me", Suga answered, still feeling a bit squeamish.

Oikawa pulled him up with ease, a little too fast because it made him dizzy.

"I'm gonna get him to the bathroom, can you clean up?"

Only now Suga noticed the drops of blood on the floor. Not much but just enough to cause his stomach to rumble in disgust. Iwaizumi, however, didn't seem to care and simply shrugged at his stuttered apology. Seijoh's ace went off to get a mop while Oikawa, upholding a shaky Suga, lead him to their bathroom next to the locker rooms.

"Are you alright, Suga-chan? You look like you are about to vomit."

"I can't stand the sight of blood", he maneuvered Suga on the floor across the sink and grabbed two clean towels. The sound of running water calmed him and seconds later, Oikawa was kneeling next to him and cleaned the blood off of his face with a wet towel. The other one was placed in his neck and it wasn't until Suga sensed the cool touch on his skin that he realized how much he had needed it. With a loud sigh, he rested his head against the bathroom wall.

"I'm so sorry, I fucked up."

"It's fine", he answered when Oikawa got up again to wring out the bloodstained towel over the sink. "At least it wiped away your awful attitude."

"It what?"

"Spare me the feigned innocence, please", Suga suddenly felt incredibly tired. The ache from his nose had slowly crept behind his forehead. "I'm done with your games, Oikawa."

Seijoh's captain kneeled next to him once more but this time, he made no move to brush over his face. Suga took the wet towel out of his hand and wiped over his nose and lips. The cold dulled the pain in his head.

"I came here for your advice. You invited me to train but you are too troubled with yourself to do so. And I get that. It's okay, you are a perfectionist and obsessed with becoming a better player. But please, don't pull me into your mess if you can't deal with me."

"Suga-chan, I-"

"That nickname. Do you mean it? 'cause if you don't, I'd rather not want you to call me that."

Finally, he had caught him off-guard. Oikawa's fake smile fell, shame simmered under his pale skin, blossoming in shades of red across his neck and cheeks. When his shoulders sloped, Suga knew he saw the real Oikawa for the first time. He looked defeated. Scared. He looked as stressed as Suga felt. The sudden urge to comfort him grew in Suga's heart as he leaned forward and reached for Oikawa's face, gently cupping his cheek with his palm.

"You don't get it", the muscles in his jaw tensed, Suga could sense it under the touch of his hand.

"I think I'm the only one who gets it."

"How so?"

"You work so hard. You work until exhaustion, you care for your team, you do everything you can to be perfect and it takes so much from you. No free time, no breaks - because if you stop, if you just pause for one second, there is a genius that outruns you."

Oikawa flinched back but Suga didn't let him. Not this time. It had taken him so much work to get him here, he wouldn't let him go. So his fingers found their place around his jaw just like back then, when he had held him during their kiss, keeping him from running away.

"And it's _unfair_. It's unfair you work so hard and some people are surpassing you with talent."

The tension subsided as a deep sigh escaped Oikawa's mouth. The taller one slumped down until his forehead rested against Suga's. The fingers around his jaw let go and found their way to his neck instead. Slowly, he brushed over the soft, brown hair. Tender strokes down his neck, again and again. As if soothing a baby, Suga repeated his movement at a steady pace, knowing it would calm Oikawa. He could feel him crumble under his touch, the mask of the Great King falling apart, shattering on the bathroom floor and revealing an exhausted, stressed teenage boy, who couldn't lift the weight he had put on his shoulders anymore.

"Shh", Suga pulled him into a hug and Oikawa didn't resist. His hand slid up and down the taller one's back, stopping at the nape of his neck, where Suga's thumb rubbed over the sensitive skin in little circles. It took a few seconds, then an uncontrollable sob was drowned in his shoulder. As he held him tight, Suga could feel his own tears prickling behind his eyes but he forced himself to keep it together. "Everyone always admires the talented people and ignores those who try so hard. And if they finally acknowledge you, they call you a _genius_ because you're doing so well, neglecting all the hard work you put into it. That must be frustrating."

"Is this still your analysis of Oikawa Tōru, the Great King?", his tone showed a hint of defiance but Suga was having none of it and instead pulled him closer.

"No. It's my analysis of Oikawa Tōru, who needs to take breaks sometimes or he will fall apart."

"Tsk", he broke free of his arms and sat before him, eyes puffy and cheeks red. He wiped over his nose with the back of his hand and avoided his eyes. It was almost amusing how he tried to dodge Suga's look. "I can't just take a break, I-"

"You came to me in the middle of the night with drugs you had _already tried_. Oikawa, you need a break. You need to rest. You need to _breathe_."

"You tried them, too."

"Yeah. I took all of them. This is what I meant with _don't pull me into your mess and leave me behind",_ Suga bent forward and grabbed Oikawa's jaw once more, so he couldn't escape his gaze anymore. There was a short resistance but then Oikawa let him move his head and a tear-stained face looked at Suga.

"I like when you do that", he whispered. The defiance was gone. Heat flooded Suga's cheeks. This was still the real Oikawa which caused his words to have way more impact than they already had on him.

"Why?", he asked, not sure if he was ready for an honest answer.

"You take the control away from me. But in a good way."

Goosebumps skittered down Suga's arms and neck.

"You remove the pressure", Oikawa raised his hand and pressed it against Suga's chest. Just above his heart, he buried his fingers into the fabric of his shirt. "And I don't have to lead anymore."

"You can breathe", Suga's mouth got dry.

"For once", Oikawa exhaled and closed his eyes, leaning into the touch of Suga's hand. "Take the lead."

There was not an ounce of hesitation in Suga left as he crossed the last distance between their lips, fingers still curled around Oikawa's jaw. His heart almost ached when the other one returned the kiss, breathing heavily into the connection. Longing broke inside him. He wanted him so badly, he could barely grasp any coherent thought. Suga's hand couldn't hold still so he stopped the grip around Oikawa's jaw and buried both of his hands in his hair, pulling him closer to his mouth.

Whereas Oikawa had tried to control him during their first kiss, this time he really had given the lead to him. There was no attempt to push him down or do anything he wasn't ready for. And it gave Suga's self-confidence a boost, the feeling of Oikawa melting into their kiss, his muscles relaxing under his touch and trembling fingers holding onto him for support. With newfound courage, Suga's hands slid down from Oikawa's hair over his chest and stomach, until he stroked over his sides. Seijoh's captain moaned under his touch, a seductive sound that parted his lips, so Suga's tongue could lick above his. Tongues dancing around each other, the heat from his cheeks rushed towards the centre of his body. Curious fingertips glided above Oikawa's thighs, trailing over his turquoise shorts until he had reached the end of them. Oikawa's skin was smooth, even softer than his lips, especially the inner side of his thighs. Suga's hand slipped underneath the leg of his pants, stroking over the hot skin, slowly venturing forth, higher up between his thighs.

"Suga-chan", Oikawa's needy whimper against his mouth showed him how much he wanted it. And fuck, Suga wanted nothing more than for his hand to travel further up and touch every piece of Oikawa. But his words made Suga pause for a moment. Dark eyes, still red from crying but also drunken with lust, returned his gaze. Oikawa wanted him but just seconds before he had been in his arms, sobbing. Suga had shattered the mask he showed to the world, he had made him vulnerable and exposed and there was no way he would abuse his weakness right now.

Just as Oikawa hadn't taken advantage of him being intoxicated in the back of his sensei's car, he couldn't push any further, even though everything in him wanted to. Suga pulled his hand away and instead cupped Oikawa's face with his palms, placing a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth.

"I should go", he whispered with a nervous smile.

Oikawa looked at him in silence before he nodded.

"We can hang out this weekend? But no volleyball. We're taking a break."

"A break", Oikawa echoed and his eyes scanned Suga's body so intensely, it made him blush. There was no doubt about what _a break_ meant, not with both of them being so out of breath and desire flickering in their faces.

Suga leaned in for another kiss but this time it was surprisingly innocent, their lips brushing against each other for a mere second. Oikawa smiled and it was the first real smile Suga saw of him. He allowed himself one last, longing look before he lifted himself up the floor.

"I'm gonna get my stuff and apologize to Iwaizumi again", Suga waved him goodbye, Oikawa stayed on the floor, watching after him and probably busy processing the last minutes. He couldn't blame him. Once he had left Aoba Johsai, Suga would do the same. Right now though he needed to keep it together, otherwise he would simply turn around and drag Oikawa into another kiss.

Iwaizumi had cleaned up the blood and was fully dressed, laying on the bench and scrolling through his phone. When he heard Suga approach, he turned his head and showed him the familiar frown.

"I'm so sorry for the mess", Suga muttered, scrambling up his bag and water bottle.

"It's fine", Iwaizumi shrugged.

"Actually, I'm not feeling well so I guess no more extra training for me. So...uh, bye. Thanks for practising with me." After an awkward pause of Iwaizumi barely staring at him, Suga bowed his head for a goodbye. Seijoh's ace wasn't out to make friends, he had made that clear after all.

"Yo, Karasuno."

Suga stopped halfway towards the door and turned around. Iwaizumi sat up from the bench and put his phone aside. The expression on his face hadn't changed but his eyes seemed even more serious now.

"I wanted to give you some advice."

"Oh, right", Suga took a few steps back towards him.

"Don't fall for him."

"Wh-What?"

"I said don't fall for him."

"I don't know what you mean, we are just f-friends", Suga was totally caught off-guard. Never had he expected Iwaizumi to notice or rather, care about that.

"No, you are not. Oikawa has no friends outside of his team."

Suga wanted to object, wanted to tell Iwaizumi how wrong he was, they had been so close just a few moments ago, after all. But he also wanted to keep it a secret and not expose Oikawa, so he decided to nod.

"He doesn't care if its blood or blush on your face. Remember that."

"Thanks", Suga said briskly and turned around. His feet almost stomped over the floor until he had reached the exit. This wasn't true. He was convinced Iwaizumi didn't know the real Oikawa, the one Suga had witnessed in the bathroom, the one crying in his arms. The one admitting his weakness and the one trusting him so much, he gave him all the control he needed.

Suga had already fallen for him.


	17. Asahi - a taste of summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Asahi catches a storm.

"Their libero is amazing! I really hope we get a chance to talk this time."

"Tora turned out to be a cool guy as well!"

"Tora?"

"Their ace! We chatted after the game and..."

Asahi was barely listening to Noya and Tanaka's conversation. Both of them were giddy with excitement and the rest of Karasuno seemed similarly enthusiastic because Takeda-sensei had announced they would see Nekoma for another practice match, the last one before Interhigh. Not that Asahi wasn't thrilled about playing against them again, his thoughts just were elsewhere. Actually, it had been hard to think of anything else than Noya since their walk home from training camp. But as always Asahi couldn't help but overthink. Haunted by doubts at night, he could feel the constant exhaustion in his bones. While Noya's presence brought him joy during the day, he found himself tossing and turning in his bed at night, wondering why they were stuck.

Maybe stuck was the wrong word. They were still drawn to each other but with not waking up next to each other every morning anymore, there was no hair brushing or any quiet moments they shared right now. Noya sent hundreds of gleaming looks his way during training, spinning around him, bound to his orbit yet never coming closer, especially not when other people were around. They continued with their evening jogs but that's what they were, jogs not walks, no handholding involved. Asahi didn't dare to make a move. He was back to the beginning, the days where he had admired him from afar, the warm feeling inside his chest bringing agony and pleasure all at once.

They were in the clubroom after training, everybody was changing and chatting about their upcoming training match against Nekoma, while Asahi loosened his hairband and ruffled through his dark brown mane. The past weeks he had gotten used to their workout, so there was still some energy left inside him to run up the mountain with Noya, who changed into a fresh pair of sports clothes next to Tanaka, happily talking away.

"You didn't tell us how your romantic walk went, Asahi", Suga's elbow poked between his ribs from out of nowhere and interrupted his train of thought. Both him and Daichi were standing next to him, grinning from ear to ear. Asahi inwardly sighed. It was almost annoying how much his best friends were interested in his love life. On the other hand, it felt supportive, they hadn't judged him a second when they had found out about his crush.

"It went fine. I played a song for him and...we kissed in front of my house, I mean, not really, he kissed me on the cheek", he gestured wildly because he could already hear Suga squealing in his mind but luckily, the smaller one held back and just raised an eyebrow along with a smirk.

"Are you guys making it official now?"

"Oi, Daichi, don't be so naive", Suga giggled.

"What? They both like each other so they should date", Daichi shrugged, unaffected by Suga's teasing tone and looked up to Asahi instead. His words made it sound so easy, whereas Karasuno's ace had no clue how to proceed.

"I don't know, we haven't really talked about it."

"Eh? What are you doing every night?"

"Apparently singing songs."

"Not helpful, Suga."

"We run! We work out together!", Asahi whispered - they were still in their small clubroom after all. Luckily, Tanaka and Noya were finished changing and hanging out in front of the room. It wouldn't take a long until Noya would yell for him to hurry because he wanted to start running. "But we are both really bad with words, so I'm not sure how to ask."

"It's not that hard."

"Really, Daichi? Since when are you the dating expert?", Suga's comment made Daichi blush. Their captain started to mumble something inarticulately and rubbed his neck.

"I'm just assuming...because we know each other for so long. Just ask him if he wants to be your boyfriend. That's it, right?"

At the word _boyfriend_ , Asahi let out an overwhelmed whimper. The thought of Noya being his official boyfriend made his palms sweaty. Would they be holding hands in school? Kissing instead of high-fiving during training? Would they...would they spent the night at each other's houses and cuddle in the same the bed? There were plenty of scenarios to imagine and each and every one of them turned Asahi into a nervous wreck. He grabbed for Daichi's and Suga's wrists.

"You think if I ask him to be my boyfriend, he'll say _yes_?"

"Of course!"

"Maybe."

" _Suga!_ "

"What? There is always the possibility he declines. We don't know what's going on inside his head."

"Me neither", Asahi heaved a sigh.

"Only one way to find out", Suga lips tugged into a supporting smile. "Ask him."

"But if he says no-"

"You give us a call and we're gonna take you out for some ramen. That's what friends are for."

Asahi gulped. The fuzzy feeling inside his chest as he looked at his best friends, made his heart flutter with hope. There still was some fear left in his bones but when he got a hug from both Daichi and Suga, encouraging and reassuring, it calmed his nerves and he nodded.

*********** 

Asahi's mouth started several silent sentences, Noya luckily couldn't see because he was distracted with inspecting his room. Part of his brain kept getting stuck on how wild this whole scenario was. While he had been busy figuring out how to talk to Noya, the libero had asked if he could come inside for a popsicle - no, that wasn't a euphemism, he literally was eating a soda popsicle from Asahi's fridge right now - and somehow they had ended up in his room. Asahi was still standing in the doorframe and contemplating the life choices which had gotten him here. He could hear Suga inside his head, already cheering him on and Daichi's serious voice about how this should go but he was struggling for words.

Noya, however, was lighthearted as always. He sat on his desk chair and was ruffling through some of Asahi's guitar notes, not understanding a thing but that didn't stop him from saying stuff like: "That's so cool, Asahi!" or "You should have your own gigs!", between sucking noises.

In the middle of his nondescriptive room, a room he liked to keep tidy and organized - Asahi sorted his books by color and he always made his bed properly because it gave him the strange feeling of having control of at least one aspect of his life - Noya was a spark of chaos. Even his appearance didn't fit into the grey-ish color scheme of Asahi's bedroom because Noya was a sun, radiating warmth and energy and pure fire if you got to close, an aura consuming everything in its surroundings. At least this was how Asahi saw him. When Noya entered a room, he became the focal point and everything else just spun around.

Asahi closed the door behind him and a flash of anxiety sent up his spine. He had always been thinking how Noya was too wild to be caught, a gust of wind he couldn't grasp, no matter how hard he tried, yet here he was, closing the door to keep him inside and trying to get him all to himself. Asahi sat down on his broad windowsill because it was the place in his room that comforted him the most and watched how Noya studied the polaroids on his wall. Most of them showed him and his friends, a few of them shots of the landscapes during stormy days and nights.

Noya was in there, too. A photo from when they had been walking home together, he was pushing himself into a picture of Ennoshita and Tanaka, raising a victory sign and grinning. Most of the shot was blurry but Asahi had hung it up anyway because nothing showed Noya's personality better than a blurry photo, again, too wild to be contained and too flighty to care.

"I have been thinking...", he finally managed to get out after minutes of silence. Noya's popsicle was long gone, so no more stalling. "About us."

Oh god, that was the most cliché-way of starting a serious conversation ever.

But Noya didn't mind, he sat there, cross-legged in Asahi's chair and the cute blush on his nose appeared, watching him. And it dawned on Asahi it was fine to use every cliché he knew from books and movies because they had never been in this situation before - so who cared if a million people had said the same stuff before? For them, it was a first.

"I really like spending time with you, Noya. I mean, the workouts and extra practice but I was wondering if...if we would ever do the stuff we did at camp again?", he didn't even let him finish. Noya was up on his feet in an instant and then at the door with a few swift steps. Asahi held his breath as the libero left his room without a word and a wave of nausea crashed over him. Had he been so wrong about all of this?! Had this already been too pushy? His legs wouldn't move although he wanted to run after him, apologize, take back his words, when Noya suddenly was back, in his hand Asahi's hairbrush.

"Alright, move!", Noya hopped next to him on the windowsill, wiggling his body until Asahi slid to make him some space and placed himself behind him.

"Uh-"

"Just like in camp", Noya explained as if it was the most normal thing in the world to just run into his bathroom to get the brush and fingered on his hairband. Some roots were pulled and Asahi clenched his teeth until his hair was cascading down his neck, brushing along his cheeks. He combed down from the top to the back of his head, a familiar pace they had shared before and Asahi wanted to enjoy it, to drown in his steady gestures but he couldn't.

First of all, he was sweaty from a day of practice, his hair was drenched and it didn't smell nice at all, secondly, they were avoiding talking once again.

"Let me shower first, I'm disgusting right now - _ouch!_ "

Noya smacked the back of the brush against his head and Asahi flinched.

"What was that for?!"

"Asahi", Noya's tone was almost as serious as Daichi's and it was so odd, it made him glance over his shoulder in confusion. Honey-brown eyes pierced into his face, the set of his mouth turning grim. "You are not allowed to call yourself disgusting ever."

"I didn't mean to-"

"Oi, you did!", another slap with the brush, this time a lot more gentle but it startled him anyway. "You need to stop being so mean to yourself."

"What? I'm not-", Asahi stopped when the brush came for his head again and ducked out of the way. He turned around, crossing his legs on the windowsill so he could look into Noya's face. Before the libero could go for him, he grabbed the wrist holding the brush and kept it in place. "Stop it!"

Noya's face grimaced in what seemed to be frustration and he let go of the hairbrush, which fell to the floor. He gestured wildly with his other hand, apparently trying to find the right words and failing miserably, so instead, he jabbed his finger into Asahi's chest.

"You are awesome, it makes me so angry that you don't see that!"

Something twitched in Asahi's chest. A feeling he had yet to explore, a gentle pull as they held their gaze, both unable to back down. Noya wasn't lying. He could see the glint in his eyes, electric and fierce, his mouth a sharp line before he inhaled deeply to scold him more.

"Stop being a coward!"

That hurt. Asahi felt himself flinching backwards and within seconds he slapped Noya's hand away from his chest. Suddenly the room became smaller, Noya blocking any escape, forcing him to conquer his fears but he couldn't. The glass was pressed against his back as he shifted away and let go of Noya's wrist. He had called him a coward before. And he had always been so afraid he'd do it again because this was what Noya really thought of him. Asahi's heart sank.

"Asahi?", Noya didn't expect his reaction, Asahi noticed it in his sudden insecurity in the breaking of his voice. Although he wanted to tell him to leave, Asahi looked up and their eyes met once more. The smaller one's face was full of regret. He reached out to him, grabbing for his knee and Asahi let him. "I'm sorry. It's...it's just so frustrating. I wish I could tell you how amazing you are but I feel like you would never believe me."

"Well, it's hard to believe someone like you would think of someone like me as amazing, Noya."

"What does that even mean?"

Asahi knew this time he couldn't back out of it. So he was desperately summoning up the courage to answer his question, a question he had been carrying in his mind for months. But he had always been too scared to answer. When he looked at him, his heart almost ached. And finally, Asahi decided to give in to this intimidating feeling of opening up and exposing thoughts he otherwise kept locked inside his head and heart.

"It means you are everything I'll never be. When you step into a room you own it, you rush by without noticing what kind of mark you leave on other people, how they turn around to look after you because you simply blow them away. You are a thunderstorm, the way you crash through life and I can't keep up but I want to, I want to so badly", the words were just spilling out as if Asahi was playing the guitar and the lyrics of a new song were forming inside his head. 

"I know we don't match. I know I'm a coward and you are the bravest person I know. I know I'm always quiet and dreaming while you just step out and do stuff. And I totally understand you can't be with someone like me, I get that, I'm neither interesting nor freaky, I'm just me and that would get boring for you quickly. But I wanted to tell you - I _need_ to tell you - before all the feelings eat me alive, I've fallen in love with you and I can't get myself to stop."

There was thunder roaring when Noya shoved him against the window glass and crushed their mouths together. It took him a second to realize there was no thunderstorm raging outside but his blood rushing inside his ears. Noya's hands pushed into his messy hair, grabbing for the roots and pulling him forward, closer against his lips. Asahi found himself mirroring him, even though he had just told him he wasn't like this. His legs fell open so Noya could slide into his lap and once he was there, he wrapped his arms around him, one big palm placed in his neck, returning the eager pressure so none of them was able to escape their kiss.

Yes, he had dreamed of their first kiss hundreds of times. Yes, he had always imagined it being wild and bold. But he had thought about it being this way because of Noya's personality. Yet it was Asahi who buried his fingers in his neck, messing up his hairstyle. It was Asahi who bent his leg and pushed it against Noya's body so the libero was forced to sink deeper into his arms, unable to escape. It was Asahi who first parted his lips so their tongues brushed against each other and it was Asahi, who let his hand slip under Noya's shirt to glide over his spine.

They were sweaty from training, their clothes kind of damp, their hair tangled and they probably smelled awful after hours of practice but Asahi's tongue prickled under Noya's flavour, a mixture of Gari Gari Kun soda popsicle and peach, he tasted like summer storms and unknown adventures and Asahi wanted it all.

Noya broke their kiss to gasp for air and Asahi chased after his lower lip, almost greedily pulling him back, he wasn't finished yet. A surprised pant escaped Noya's mouth but he melted into him, his small body fitting perfectly into Asahi's lap and arms. He had waited months for this, he couldn't simply let him go after a few seconds. Now that he had crossed into the storm, ruffling his hair, caressing his body, Asahi never wanted to go back.

But then all the intensity got pushed down by another feeling. A laugh jumped in his throat and vibrated against Noya's lips. His head leaned back against the window and he caught a glimpse of Noya, whose grin took over his entire face, glowing and infectious. They pressed their mouths against each other for another kiss, yet their shoulders were shaking with laughter, so it was a very poor attempt of a kiss. Neither of them cared, though.

Asahi squeezed his arms around Noya and the libero tucked his hands behind his neck, playing with knotted strands of Asahi's hair. Yes, they shouldn't match yet their laughter swashed into the same rhythm, the most beautiful melody Asahi had ever heard, too unique to ever be part of a song. Laughter turned to shy giggling and it was the cutest sound to ever escape Noya's lips, Asahi thought. His face was flushed in red, his honey-brown eyes shimmered with pure joy and to top it all, he shifted forward to rub his nose against Asahi's, puffing up his cheeks, unable to contain his excitement. Asahi buried his face against the hollow of his throat, tears welling behind his eyes because he was overwhelmed with utter euphoria.

"Azumane Asahi, you are far from boring", he picked up on Asahi's embarrassing speech from before. Slowly, he lifted his head and was greeted with soft palms framing his cheeks. Noya's thumb stroked over his stubble, resting at the dimple on his cheek that appeared whenever his lips tugged into a smile. "I want you just as much as you want me."

_Why_ , he wanted to ask but he was breathless, captivated by Noya's eyes.

"Because of all the little details", he answered as if he had read his thoughts. Sometimes they were able to do that. Sometimes, between all these confusing feelings, it became crystal clear between them.

"Your dimples", the thumb buried deeper into his cheek. "Your hair. Your voice when you sing. Your voice when you say _Noya_ ", he had to pause for a flustered giggle. "The way you spike. Your muscles. Your kindness. I'm gonna make you a list, so you'll never forget about all the details that make you wonderful."

A list of reasons why he was wonderful. Asahi couldn't imagine what that would look like, even after Noya had tried to define some already. Convinced, he would never be able to see himself as Noya did, he wanted to disagree, opened his mouth to argue but Noya just put a finger on his lips and shook his head.

"Don't even try."

Asahi bit his lip before an embarrassed but honest _I love you_ could slip out.

Instead, he leaned in for another kiss.


	18. Kenma - point of no return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kenma breaks. 
> 
> content note: referenced homophobia, anxiety attack.

Kenma watched at the mess that was his lower arms and sighed deeply. He had disinfected the scratches thoroughly but they still hurt terribly, especially the deep cut right beneath his left wrist. His arms full of claw marks hadn't made it easier to convince his parents to keep the shaggy stray cat he had smuggled out of the Miyagi training camp but in the end, they had caved in when he had promised they wouldn't have to do anything - plus both of them were baffled Kenma actually wanted to take care of a living creature all by himself when he usually went out of his way to avoid any form of unnecessary social interaction, even if it was a cat.

It turned out that Kurocat disliked radical changes of his environment, especially when they were performed while he was stuck in a bag on the train. The first day he had refused to come out from under his bed and had to be bribed with salmon and other kinds of treats Kenma had bought for him. After hours of persuasion, he had graced Kenma with his existence outside of the comforting shadows of his bed but when Kenma and his parents had tried to get him to the vet this had happened. Kenma shook his arms as if he could get rid of the stinging pain this way.

The good thing: The vet had said Kurocat was totally fine and was, indeed, a male. The bad thing: Kenma had almost lost his life while trying to calm him down and Kurocat was the most resentful creature on earth apart from Yaku. So now a rugged mass of black fur was sitting on his pillow and staring at him reproachfully, even refusing to come and get his treat.

Kenma shifted around on his desk chair and held up his scratched arms: "Don't look at me like that! I'm the victim here. Do you know how much that will hurt while digging a damn ball?"

Kurocat showed no mercy, instead, he turned around and showed Kenma his butt. Kenma pulled a face behind him. The cat continued to ignore him and jumped at his windowsill to look outside. He felt bad for him because he couldn't let him out but he wanted to make sure Kurocat would find his way back so he wanted to give him a few days to accustom himself in his new home.

Meanwhile, Kenma had enough trouble getting accustomed to the mess that was his life now himself. Their first match versus Karasuno had been an utter nightmare and their coaches had been disappointed in all of them, especially in Yaku and Kuro who had turned the game into a screaming battle right next to Kenma, which had been truthfully terrifying. Kenma knew it was partly his fault because he hadn't been able to resist teasing Yaku but still, the way Kuro had jumped to his defense immediately...he wasn't sure if he should be happy or mad about it. Because in the end the two of them had left the train station without a goodbye and since he hadn't seen Kuro on the train home, Kenma was sure he knew where they had been going. Despite their heartfelt talk - at least this was what it had been for Kenma, who knew what Kuro thought after all - Kuro had decided to continue whatever he had with Yaku and furthermore, hadn't texted Kenma at all.

Not that he cared. If he wanted to hang out with Yaku, he should go ahead. Kenma was perfectly fine on his own and didn't need stupid Kuro, who distracted him from videogames anyway. Nekoma's setter flopped down on his bed and turned on his Playstation. Kurocat jumped back on the mattress and sat down on his back while Kenma was trying to reach the controller on the floor without having to stand up again. He stretched further, his fingertips reaching the edge of it when Kurocat declared his back as his new sitting spot by clawing his paws into his shirt and skin.

"Ouch", Kenma gasped but it was more of a defeated sigh. He let half of his upper body hang from the bed and remained still, focusing on Kurocat's weight on his back which was strangely reassuring. "Guess we at least are together in this hating-everything-thing."

If he hated one thing about being a teenager it was the mood swings. Those and the fact that everyone around him seemed to be fucking horny. Seriously, why would Kuro choose Yaku over him?

"But it's not that he made a choice, it's totally fine what they're doing, I don't care", Kenma told his fluffy companion. "Yeah, he can have all the fun he wants. I mean, if he wants to volunteer to spend time with our demon-senpai, sure, go for it Kuro, you must be a masochist."

He noticed how he rambled into a bitter monologue, his concentration slipping and emotions taking over rationality but he couldn't care less. Kenma started to slowly move so he wouldn't startle Kurocat and managed to roll on his back without disturbing him too much. Kurocat even allowed him to put his hands into the fur on his back. Kenma spread his fingers through the black fuzz and stared at the ceiling, mad at Yaku, Kuro and everyone else who came to mind.

Two short knocks followed by another after a brief pause. Kuro.

Before he could yell _No_ , the door opened and the cat dashed from his belly to hide under the bed. Two yellow eyes glowed at Kuro from the shadows. Nekoma's captain was startled for a second, then he got down on one knee to look under his bed.

"Did you seriously bring that mop with you?", he laughed.

Kenma was having a life crisis and he laughed.

"His name is Kurocat", he answered in the snarky tone pet owners answered mean questions about their fluffy friends. Although he was regretting the name by now, it was too late to change it. At least Kurocat and Kurohuman both were assholes, so it was still fitting.

When Kuro approached him and leaned over him, his typical sly grin covering his face, Kenma realised he might have a thing for assholes. He really was damned. Kenma resisted the urge to stick out his tongue at him and instead tucked his hands behind his head, trying to lay there nonchalantly as if he couldn't care less about Kuro's presence.

"What's up?", he asked and even in his ears, he sounded like an idiot. Off to a great start.

The sly smile fell. Suddenly Kuro's expression was so serious, Kenma's stomach twisted with worry. He sat up and crossed his legs, reaching for his calf and curling his fingers against the skin to stabilize the trembling in his hands.

"We need to talk, Kenma."

Kenma's head tilted forward, the curtain of blonde hair cutting into Kuro's view. He hid behind the shadow it cast on his face: "I know."

Yes, he knew but that didn't mean he wanted to. Though with Kuro being in his room already there wouldn't be much of a choice what Kenma wanted. His best friend sat down next to him and when Kenma lifted his chin he saw Kuro hiding his face in his palms, elbows steady on his knees. A deep sigh heaved his broad shoulders.

"Kenma, are you in love with me?"

"What?", it slipped out of his mouth. Heat rushed to his face and gathered in his ears, which were peeking out between his hair, now bright red. Kuro straightened his back to look at him. Kenma couldn't read his expression at all.

"Of course not", he hastened to say.

Kuro's obsidian eyes scanned over his hot face.

"Okay", he nodded.

"Okay", Kenma echoed.

They sat there in loud, unsettling silence, two feet apart from each other, looking in different directions. Kenma's fingertips drew little circles on his calf and Kuro stared at the playstation starting screen on his TV - it was the first time silence between them was uncomfortable. They had spent hours and hours in this exact room in quiet and it had always felt like home, now the stillness made Kenma's heart jump in his chest and a sense of nausea formed in his stomach.

It was Kenma, who couldn't stand the silence anymore and found himself saying: "So, how are things with Yaku?"

Kuro didn't look at him. He was still staring at the screen and his lips didn't pull into his typical subtle grin Kenma adored so much because it showed him nothing was wrong, no, his mouth stayed in a sharp line, a line drawing out between them and suddenly Kenma felt awfully alone in his presence.

"Good. I like fucking him."

His sharp tone caused Kenma to flinch. Inwardly, he scolded himself for asking - he deserved this tone, the answer in general, with the information he didn't want to have but Kuro gave him anyway to make him pay for all the trouble he had caused him. And it worked. Kenma bit down his lip until it hurt and until tears welled up behind his eyes and the pain travelled down his mouth to reach his heart.

"Cool", his voice was almost a whimper and Kenma hurried to clear his throat.

"And since you don't have a crush on me or anything, you are fine with it, right?", finally, Kuro bobbed his head to watch him. His chin was cast up so his dark eyes could look down on him, an eyebrow arched upwards. No glimmer in his eyes, no sly smile in the corner of his mouth, no more soft Kuro.

"Yes."

"Good", he could see his hostile grimace crumbling already and Kuro must felt it too cause he turned away and stared at the door instead. Frustration bucked in Kenma's chest. Frustration and a huge amount of self-loathing. Everything in him wanted to tell Kuro how wrong he was and how much he cared, how much he needed a gentle, understanding and accepting Kuro right now but it wasn't his place anymore.

And the moment he realized that, a part of Kenma broke.

Tears spilt out of shimmering, golden eyes and ran over his cheeks in silence, met at the edge of his chin and fell into his lap and the scratches on his lower arms, causing stinging pain on the scarred skin. Kuro's shoulders started to shake and a sob resonated in his room, a sob he had never heard before, soaked in desperation and anger.

Kuro was crying and it was the worst feeling in the world. Kenma had the sudden impulse to hug him, yet he stayed where he was, letting the tears fall and watching the back of Kuro's head. He couldn't think of anything worse than Kuro crying - well, yes, Kuro crying because Kenma was a selfish idiot, who couldn't handle other people being happy.

"I wish I could turn back time", he sniffled. He wished he had never seen them together, he wished he wouldn't care so much. Fuck, why did he care so much?

"You can't", Kuro's voice was husky. A hand brushed over his eyes before he turned around to him.

"I'm sorry", Kenma said and he meant it.

But it was too late. Their gazes met and he could see the hurt in Kuro's obsidian eyes. The disappoinment. Kenma tried to hold their gaze and every second the crushing guilt pushed him further and further down, choking him until his breath came in rapid bursts.

"I guess that's it", Kuro's statement was on the edge of breaking but he kept it together, tensed his shoulders and got up from the mattress. The meaning of his words hadn't fully reached Kenma's mind when he was at his door already, pulling it open. Kenma wanted to say something, _anything,_ but the dull ache of losing Kuro filled every space in his body. So he left with a slam of the door.

 _That was it_ , Kenma thought. Their friendship would never be the same.

*********** 

The first time in a year Nekoma wasn't able to connect anymore. They weren't a unit, they were single molecules hanging in the air without any chemical bond, floating and stumbling and breaking apart. Kenma could feel it with every step he made on the court, could feel it in every touch of the ball.

They were playing against Karasuno, this time at Nekoma's gym, but it didn't matter where they were, Kenma wasn't present anyway. Everybody had been looking forward to their second practice match, hell even Kenma had been excited to play against Shōyō again because it was like getting a new videogame but this time he barely had any admiration left for their freaky quick attack. The people on the other side of the net were blurry and so was his own team.

Nekoma's brain was what they called him but today this brain couldn't grasp any coherent thought so he played the ball without care, without logic, just with the feeling to get rid of it quickly once it touched his hands. Kuro was playing with them again. Kuro, who managed to save even the worst of his sets and sometimes even was able to change them into a point. While he was drifting apart, Nekoma struggled but managed to take the lead anyway.

Even the ground of the gym seemed wobbly. Kuro was present on the court but their connection had been cut. Or rather, ripped out of his chest because that was how it felt. A burning pain left in his chest. Every step was uncertain, every toss slightly off. Kuro was a captain who grounded them. Their foundation, their support. Kuro had been there every time Kenma had stumbled. Now he was gone, just another person on the court.

And without him, Kenma was floundering.

Volleyball had never felt so awful before. Kenma could sense him caring less and less with each point they scored. Although he was competitive by nature, that spirit seemed gone. It didn't matter if they won. Who cared? He was a robot on the court, not looking into his teammates' eyes because he knew he couldn't stand their disappointment and confusion and especially not their questions. He wanted to hide in his bed with Kurocat and continue to hate the world all by himself.

Nekoma won but it was the worst victory in a long time.

None of them cheered when Tora got the last point, all turned towards him. Kenma felt the anxiety sparking up his spine when everyone stared at him, his hair not enough of a barrier to shut them out. He expected Yaku or Kuro to scold him or their coaches to pull him aside and waited for a few seconds, shoulders hunched up to his ears. When neither of them approached him, he stomped off the court towards the bathroom. They would play another match after a 10-minute break, so now was the chance to get some space.

Without any clear direction, Kenma wandered off and found himself in the bathroom, the same damn bathroom that started it all with the urge to punch something or someone. Instead, his mind went blank as he watched his reflection in the mirror.

Hiding behind logic was Kenma's nature. But sometimes he couldn't uphold rationality, sometimes he slipped into overwhelming emotions and lost it. Right now his face was a harrowed mask of trying to keep it together. A hint of calmness was there, pushing back the tears and the breakdown, which would eventually get to him, he could feel it in the way his body tensed when he looked at his golden eyes in the mirror. Kenma inhaled a soothing breath when he could hear giggling from outside the bathroom.

One moment later, the door pushed open and two of Karasuno's players walked in without so much as looking at Kenma, no, they pulled each other into a close hug. Kenma recognized Nishinoya, their libero, who admired Yaku so much, and who now got on tiptoes to kiss the other one fiercely. Karasuno's ace, Kenma believed his name was Azumane, returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around the smaller one's back and they both stumbled against the door of a bathroom stall.

For a split second their image changed into Yaku and Kuro, kissing each other with the same passion as they did, hugging each other close and looking at each other with that same look of love on their faces and it was the second Kenma snapped.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!", he yelled, fuming.

As if he had thrown a bomb between them, they jumped apart. Kenma saw how Azumane immediately turned bright red whereas the libero seemed to be in utter shock.

"You can't just fucking walk in here and make out, I'm sick of people like you shoving their stupid love life into my face! It's disgusting!", everywhere he looked he saw couples being happy and dumb, enjoying each other wherever they went - Kenma was so sick of it. He didn't need to be reminded he was a freak every single time! It was so unfair. Yaku could've fucked with everyone, why did he have to take his best friend?

"S-Sorry", Karasuno's ace stuttered and grabbed for Nishinoya's arm; he pulled him with him, out of the bathroom and Kenma's and Nishinoya's eyes met for a second, his expression still in shock and otherwise hard to read. Before he disappeared from his view, Kenma believed he saw a slight shimmer in his eyes - _oh no_. He realized what he had said and how it must've felt for them.

Cold regret washed over his spine and he hurried to the door, poking his head out.

"I didn't mean it like that", he shouted but the two others had already fled the scene. Frustration warred inside his body and Kenma finally gave in. Nekoma's setter walked over to the metallic bin next to the door, lifted it and hurled it right at the bathroom mirror. It burst in a hundred sharp pieces, some of them flying past him, a few cutting into his arms and cheeks. Kenma didn't care.

Only the ripping pain inside his throat made him notice he had screamed. His lips trembled and he pushed them together, fingers forming to fists as he kicked the bin through the room and almost slipped on the glass shards covering the floor.

He had no control over what he was doing anymore. Golden eyes, scared and unable to cope with whatever was going on, looked back from the only intact mirror left and Kenma was quick to turn around because his own appearance frightened him. He rushed into the locker room and took off his blue sports bib they usually wore for their training matches. With shaking fingertips he grabbed for his bag and stomped back into the gym.

Everybody was huddled together, the next match would start soon. Kenma ignored the glare of Karasuno's libero that followed him through the hall and brushed past Fukunaga and Lev to find himself in front of Coach Nekomata. He held out his sports bib with his arm full of cat scratches and fresh-cut wounds from the bathroom and lifted his chin.

"I'm sorry but I quit."

When their coach wouldn't take the jersey, he pushed it into Tora's arms and went for the door. Everyone was staring at him, speechless, but he could feel their eyes on his neck. Blood was rushing in his ears, so he wasn't sure if it really was Kuro's voice shouting his name, yet he didn't stop.

Kenma left Nekoma's gym with no intention of coming back.


	19. Suga - taking the lead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Suga makes this particular mistake. 
> 
> content note: consensual underage sex

"Did anything happen during the break? You were in the bathroom with him, right?", Daichi probed.

"Uh...I don't know", Asahi muttered and stared the other way.

They were on their drive home, Suga was sitting in the window seat next to Daichi, on the other side was Asahi who seemed incredibly uncomfortable. Outward bound Noya had been sitting next to him but now their libero was in the back row, unusually quiet and hidden under the hood of his Karasuno jacket, refusing to talk to anybody.

"I mean, it's weird he would walk off like that in the middle of a match. Kuroo-san wouldn't tell me anything when I asked, though."

"Seems like Nekoma has some intern quarrels they don't want anybody to know about", Suga chimed in and stretched on his seat. He hadn't been allowed to play today but just this once it didn't bother him that much. The reason was quite obvious if someone were to look at the phone in his lap: Oikawa was waiting for him at Karasuno and they would be spending the day. It was their time off from volleyball. No sport, no drugs, just them. Whatever that meant. Well, Suga's mind had some ideas but he was too shy to even think them while being around his friends, especially next to Daichi. Suga had kept - whatever kind of relationship he was having with Oikawa - a secret. Somehow he couldn't bring himself to tell Daichi.

"Probably. I mean, Kageyama can be extra, too, but he wouldn't hurt the team like that..."

"Maybe he wasn't feeling well", Asahi whispered and continued to look out of the window.

"Are _you_ feeling well?", Daichi shifted in his seat to catch a look of Asahi's face. Suga followed his lead and now both of them were staring at Karasuno's ace curiously, causing him to blush.

"Yeah, why isn't Noya sitting with you?"

"I thought you guys were dating now."

"Oh my god, did Kozume catch you making out?"

"Did you spook him with your performance?"

"Guys!", Asahi was mortified and Daichi and Suga exchanged one of their typical looks that could one remind of overbearing parents on top of their game. "Could we not discuss this _here_?!"

"Fine. Let's get some ice cream from the store once we are back."

"Oh, I can't", now it was Suga's time to blush. All too glad the attention had shifted away from him, Asahi shot him an interested glance. It was Daichi's face that made Suga more nervous, though.

"Why?"

"I have a, uh, a meeting."

"A meeting? For school?"

"With Oikawa."

"Oikawa from Aoba Johsai?"

"Oikawa Tōru?!"

"Shh", Suga gestured wildly to keep them quiet. "Yes, Oikawa Tōru, how many Oikawas do we know, Asahi? We just want to hang out a bit at my place", and when he saw Daichi's sceptical expression, he was quick to add: "Or somewhere else, we haven't decided yet."

"Aha."

Suga caught the glance of Daichi's dark eyes and swallowed hard. His best friend studied his face and his mouth was but a sharp line - it was obviously Daichi was against his plans. Instead of scolding him, he plopped back into his seat and closed his eyes.

"Be careful, though."

"He is not the enemy, Daichi."

"He is not a friend, either."

"Well, he is my friend", Suga insisted and caused Daichi's lids to open again. "Or...something like that."

"Fine. Have fun. Asahi, you are still up for ice cream, right?"

"Uh, sure."

"We will keep an eye on our phones, so call us whenever he upsets you and we pick you up."

Suga felt the heat creeping up his neck. Daichi said it in such a casual tone he probably didn't want to tease him but it affected him anyway. Nevertheless, there was no point in arguing because of Oikawa, so Suga bit his lip and refused to answer. Their captain's concern was not unfounded, after all, it had happened before.

However, it was hard to believe when he caught sight of Oikawa, who was waiting for him in front of the Karasuno school grounds, dressed in Aoba Johsai's school uniform and waving as their bus drove by to the parking spot. Suga felt his pulse immediately ramping up. Of course, he knew he would be there yet it was just now he realized what that meant. A glimpse towards Kageyama, who looked like he had turned into stone, staring at Oikawa's figure when he left the bus, was enough to make Suga blush. Daichi and Asahi were kind of in the loop when it came to their friendship but the rest of Karasuno wasn't, so everyone stared at Oikawa with widened eyes and Tanaka wasn't shy to shoot him some angry glances, accompanied by a grumpy Noya.

"Oi, it's alright, we'll be off in a minute", Suga patted their backs and mumbled a goodbye towards Daichi and Asahi. He wanted to leave as soon as possible - before Kageyama or Hinata could get the idea of approaching Oikawa.

"Yoohoo, Tobio-chan, nice to see you. Sadly, I can't stay, Suga-chan and I have some secret setter practice", Oikawa grinned and waved enthusiastically until Suga approached him and snatched his arm out of the air.

"You're unbelievable", he muttered and let go of him once he realized what he was doing. Oikawa, however, didn't seem to mind. He put an arm around Suga, this time not around his shoulder but his waist and pulled him closer. A gasp escaped his pressed lips when Seijoh's captain fluttered a kiss against his cheek. Suga stared into a row of completely speechless team members with Kageyama and Daichi looking like they were about to explode. _Oh god, I wanna die._

"Bye everyone~", Oikawa's melodious tone carried on and with a last dramatic wave of his hand, he dragged Suga along, his fingers brushing over his hip.

"You're the worst", Suga blurted out once they were out of earshot.

"Sorry, I thought you wanted to brag about our date in front of your friends. I mean, look at me."

"Always so humble."

"Humbleness is for peasants."

"I beg your pardon, Great King."

It was the first time Suga was comfortable enough to banter with him because now that he had finally caught sight of the real Oikawa, the stressed and overworked teenage boy, he knew they weren't so different from each other. There was no reason to hide from Seijoh's captain, no reason to feel lesser in his presence, especially not with his arm around him, holding him close, almost showing him off and laughing in his ear during their bickering.

When they walked past the Sakanoshita store, nerves roiled in Suga's stomach. He hadn't been sure where to go with Oikawa but right now he was walking straight towards his home and he followed along, throwing back and forth jokes without noticing how shaky Suga became with every step further. He knew there was nothing to be afraid of - rationally he knew that - because Oikawa had been surprisingly considerate of him whenever they were close but that didn't mean Suga's body wasn't on edge. Before he could think of any plan, they turned into his street and he held his keys in his hand.

"Do you want me to grab some food?"

Oikawa strutted into his home like he had been coming here for ages, stretching his arms above his head and suppressing a yawn: "Nah. Maybe later. Show me your room, Suga-chan."

His parents were still at work and he had friends over quite often, there had been days in the summer when Daichi and Asahi had basically been living in their garden, yet he felt like he was doing something forbidden when he pointed upstairs.

"I-I'm gonna get us something to drink, you go ahead", Suga fled into the kitchen and took a moment to lean against the fridge and take a breath. Back in the gym, his frustration over Oikawa's fake attitude had carried him through their conversation, now there wasn't anything to hide behind anymore. But what did it mean for them? Suga got a tray and put glasses and some bottled peach tea on top, fingertips shaking. Did he want it to mean anything at all?

Well, yes. Heat blossomed on his cheeks as he balanced the tray up the stairs. After all their encounters they were way past being enemies or friends but Suga didn't know what else they were or if there even was a word to describe his relationship towards Oikawa. All he knew was he might get to kiss him again today and the thought alone made his knees weak. Suga opened the door to his room and found Oikawa stretched out on his bed like a lazy jungle cat. His white blazer hung over Suga's desk chair as did his tie and the cream sweater vest. Oikawa's fingers danced over the bedpost while dark, desirous eyes followed Suga from closing the door to putting down the tray on his desk. Suga hadn't breathed since he had walked into his room and tried to avoid any eye contact but he could feel his gaze prickling on the sensitive skin of his neck.

Arousal jolted down his spine, an overwhelming hotness in the centre of his body even though Oikawa had done nothing but looking at him.

"Suga-chan, you said we would be taking a break but you are all tensed up."

"S-Sorry", where was the confidence from last time? Why did he feel like prey walking right into the eager jaws of a beast as he approached his bed? Suga came to a halt right before Oikawa, who suddenly sat up and swung his legs out of bed. With a firm grip around Suga's hip, he pulled him closer until he stood between his thighs and Oikawa could rest his chin on his stomach, looking up to him with eyes heavy-lidded.

"What are you scared of?"

"N-Nothing."

A mischievous grin took over Oikawa's entire face, one that made Suga squirm. Embarrassment and arousal were fighting inside his body right now, cheeks flushed and knees wobbling. He gulped and looked down at him, admiring Oikawa's sharp cheekbones and the long lashes, which did a good job of partially hiding the hunger in his eyes.

"Tsk, tsk", swift fingers pushed Suga's white shirt upwards until Oikawa's breath fluttered over his navel. "After all, I should be the one scared, shouldn't I?" His mouth brushed against the exposed skin right above Suga's hipbone and Suga thought he was about to faint.

"Why?", he somehow managed to get out.

"Because I'm the one who had a nervous breakdown on the floor of a public bathroom, not you."

Oikawa stopped caressing his skin and peeked up at him instead, his lips pulling into a somewhat vulnerable smile. A sight which caused Suga to gasp. There it was again. The face behind the mask, bare and defenseless. No more teasing escaping his mouth. His hands moved on his own, curious fingers sweeping into Oikawa's hair, clutching a fistful of curls. Bending his neck backwards so Oikawa had to look straight into his face. Fuck, he was so beautiful when he was like this.

"You kinda know the most embarrassing part of me now. Yet I'm here. So what do you think that means, Suga-chan?"

"I don't know."

"Nah. Try again."

He really wanted him to say it. Did he ever get tired of pushing him? Where did he get all that confidence from? Suga wished he could be like him, so straightforward, telling what he wanted but every time he tried no words would leave his mouth. Oikawa held still, the hunger in his gaze resolving into patience. Softness washed over his face, big palms holding Suga in place on his hips. There was no doubt in what he desired but he wanted to hear it from Suga.

"Because you want-", his voice broke. Flashback to them in the backseat of the car, where he was pushing on him, hungry lips against his but once Suga had told him to back off, he had obeyed. On the bathroom floor, covered in blood and blush, he had been so eager to explore beneath the fabric of Oikawa's pants and Seijoh's captain had melted into their kiss, his tone so needy and desperate for more, Suga had almost lost his mind. So this was what he wanted.

Suga grabbed for Oikawa's jaw and this time his nails dug into him, applying just the right amount of pressure to make the other one wince. He pulled up his shirt and dragged his jaw closer against his stomach until Oikawa's lips were pressed against his skin. And Oikawa let himself being guided, placing kiss after kiss next to Suga's navel, on his stomach and right above the waistband of his sweatpants. The tip of his tongue found its way along the line of fabric and it almost forced Suga to his knees. Instead, he fiercely buried his hands back into Oikawa's hair to keep his balance.

His mind went blank. It was impossible to focus on anything but Oikawa's hot mouth against his skin. Hazy kisses planted all over his lean stomach only to get replaced by bold teeth, a little tease to send shivers down his spine. Suga's head tossed back while his hips arched forward, so the bulge beneath his shorts brushed against Oikawa's jaw. His breath was but a desperate panting now.

He didn't spend any more seconds wondering if what they were doing was right or if he was bold enough to do it. Suga almost didn't notice how he let go of Oikawa's hair to pull off his shirt and strip down his pants until Seijoh's captain stopped and shifted backwards to do the same. The last bits of Oikawa's uniform was gone now and suddenly they paused to look at each other, blushes creeping up heated cheeks. Suga's eyes rested on Oikawa's broad shoulders and his narrow waist, the defined muscles on his arms and stomach and lastly the bulge under his dark boxer briefs.

There was no time to feel ashamed. Suga's mouth went dry as he admired his stunning features - even a vulnerable and exposed Oikawa was achingly beautiful and he wanted him more than anything he had ever wanted before. So no way he could take a step back, there was only the possibility of falling forward left.

And so he did. Suga fell into his lap and pulled him into a searing kiss. It was aggressive and bold because finally, he had gathered back his confidence and he used it to bite down Oikawa's lip until sweet and heavy moans merged with rapid breaths. He believed to hear another panted _Suga-chan_ , a sound which caused goosebumps to skitter over Suga's arms and neck and which he rewarded with his mouth opening against Oikawa's so their tongues could brush against each other.

It didn't take long until they lost balance. Suga came down on top of him as Oikawa fell into the mattress, his arms wrapped around his upper body and fingers tracing along Suga's spine to cause a million little sparks that travelled directly between his legs. Their bodies were pressing against each other now and Suga shifted his weight and moaned in surprise as they met right at the hard crux between them. He couldn't help but sit up to catch his breath. Oikawa stayed down, his chest heaving up and down in an uneven pattern. His glance brushed over Seijoh's captain.

Messy hair, flustered face, vivid red lips. And those begging eyes...

Suga pushed the fabric of his own boxers aside and tried to hold their gaze when he touched himself. He noticed how Oikawa's dark eyes flickered between his legs, watching his hand moving up and down the whole length and even though he was tempted to look away, he forced himself to watch Oikawa's face. A hungry tongue licked over wet lips. Oikawa's hips jolted upwards when he saw how Suga touched himself, straddling his lap with lean thighs. Suga could feel him becoming restless underneath him and placed one palm on his chest. He pushed him deeper into the mattress and saw the frustration glinting in his eyes.

The sight made him feel so powerful.

Why had he been scared? There was no reason to be scared of Oikawa. Oikawa, who was at his mercy now, who was forced to watch, even though he wanted nothing more than touch him. Suga's hips moved on its own, grinding against Oikawa's lap with each little thrust forward, causing Seijoh's captain to gasp for air. A proud grin tugged at his lips and he lifted his chin, glancing down at Oikawa coiling under his every move.

"Would you like to touch me?", Suga's voice was barely above a whisper, an unknown tone, surprisingly rough but he enjoyed the sound.

"Yes, please", was the immediate, breathless answer.

"Too bad. Guess you are just number two this round."

"Fuck you, Suga-chan. Seriously...fuck, don't stop", Oikawa raised his hands to grab for his thighs but he kept himself from reaching for him when their eyes met again. Suga arched an eyebrow. "Wow, you really mean it, huh?"

"You wanted me to take the lead, remember?"

"I did. No regrets, though. You're sexy when you're on top."

The comment made Suga's cheeks flush. He averted his eyes and suddenly realized what he was doing. The hand between his legs stopped moving.

"Don't you dare stopping now", Oikawa noticed it immediately. His voice shifted back into that demanding, needy tone that made Suga's knees weak. "Please, Suga-chan, you can't stop now, I want you so bad."

"I know what you're trying to do-", Suga squirmed.

"Suga-chan, I want to touch that hard cock of yours so badly but I'll behave, I promise. I've shown you I can behave myself before, haven't I? So don't be shy. Tell me what you want. Or are you still number two, after all?"

He definitely was going to faint.

Suga straightened his back, one palm still resting against Oikawa's naked chest to support his weight as he slid over his lap to shut him up. It worked immediately, the subtle smirk in the corner of Oikawa's mouth vanished quickly and was replaced by a lustful expression. His eyelids fluttered, his lips parted to make room for sensual, almost submissive moans that were an immense boost for Suga's confidence. If Oikawa was just playing or not, he didn't care, he played his role well. Suga's fingers traced up the length of his cock again while his ass ground against Oikawa's groin at a steady pace.

_Don't be shy._

_Easier said than done,_ Suga thought, watching how the taller one winced underneath him, the muscles in his jaw flexing as he clenched his teeth to drown his moans.

"Don't. I wanna hear you", he found himself saying and Oikawa's jaw loosened as he tossed his head into the mattress, revealing the vulnerable dip of his throat. He was so intense, how could he even be real? Suga absorbed every inch of Oikawa beneath him. The way his muscles tensed with each movement of his hips, his fingers curling into Suga's sheets, unable to control the trembling of his body, his back arching off the mattress. He was perfect.

Suga slipped down from Oikawa's twitching body and finally took off his shorts. He darted a look at the other one, who followed his lead and Suga gulped when he eventually sat there, completely naked, on his bed. Oikawa rubbed one hand on the underside of his jaw and it looked like he was hiding a grin. He wasn't flustered at all, he even bent his knee a bit to give Suga a better view.

"T-Touch yourself", Suga's voice broke when Oikawa got on his knees, widening his stance to keep his balance, and his hand slid over his stomach, eyeing him, who felt dizzy just watching before it reached the centre of his body.

Nervousness had been knotted in his body the whole time but now it finally eased, made room for desire, hell, only the sight of Oikawa touching himself almost brought him over the edge. Suga crawled next to him on the mattress and got on his knees as well. Now it was him who had to look up but it didn't matter. Height had nothing to do with their weird dynamic. A dynamic, Suga started to enjoy, even more so when he put his hand around Oikawa's jaw again and pulled it towards his face, intentionally leaving a small gap between their lips.

"You're so mean, Suga-chan", Oikawa whimpered, his hand picking up a faster pace. Suga mirrored him, at least he tried, it was hard focusing on both things, keeping him in place and jerking himself off. He couldn't decide where to look, between them, watching how Oikawa stroked himself with such a firm grip it caused him to twist his mouth into sweet, deep moans, or at the other one's face, slowly losing control. Suga leaned forward and pushed his face into the hollow of Oikawa's throat, his breath hitching.

"Fuck, you're amazing, Suga-chan", Oikawa's voice was but a dark, untamed growl that sent jolts down his body. Suddenly, Suga shifted backwards, leaving enough space to watch Seijoh's captain, whose eyes rolled backwards, hips thrusting forward uncontrollably and apparently close to come.

"Wait", he said. "You're number two, you wait."

Suga didn't expect him to listen, not right now, when his whole body was so desperate for relief, no. But Oikawa stopped as if Suga had grabbed his hands. His shoulders were shaking with suppressed hunger. He stared at him, his gaze sharp and burning. Then, he nodded.

The lust was a deep, heavy pull in the centre of his body, forcing him to move his hand again, watching how Oikawa kept still even though every fibre in his being wanted to continue. He held his position because Suga had said so. What a thrilling power to have. It made him light-headed, the way he kneeled before him, his erection twitching in a hand Suga had chained with nothing but words.

He bit his lips, feeling the wave of his orgasm crushing down his spine but desperately trying to hold back any moans because he knew they would be too loud - it was too much. Blood rushing in his ears, Suga wanted to give more orders but he couldn't even form any coherent words anymore, so he simply nodded towards him and Oikawa's hand immediately started to move again.

They both fell forward, crashing into the messiest kiss until it felt like Suga couldn't breathe anymore but they didn't stop anyway and he moaned - it was heavy and rough and a sound so intense he would feel ashamed of if he weren't so absorbed in it. Oikawa was less noisy but his voice vibrated against his mouth, rough, drunken groans of pleasure until they both were gasping for air.

Suga's fingers were wet and sticky and he knew he definitely spilt some on the sheets but he couldn't bring himself to break their kiss even though it merely was a lazy, exhausted attempt of a kiss right now. Oikawa's tongue brushed over his lips before he placed a line of gentle kisses up Suga's cheek until he finally kissed the mole next to his eye and leaned back.

While Suga was busy comprehending what he had said during all of this and shame crept his way under his skin, Oikawa got the tissue box from his nightstand and started to clean himself and the sheets before throwing the box Suga's way. The smaller one just felt the heavy thudding of his heart and cleaned up the mess he had made almost robotic, still thinking about all the inappropriate words he had said. His cheeks were bright red when he threw the used tissues in the bin and grabbed for his clothes. Oikawa's gaze followed him, he could sense it on the back of his head but Suga couldn't bring himself to say something. Shame simmered under his skin.

"Hey, Suga-chan", Oikawa had put on his underwear again. Suga had hurried to cover his whole body with a shirt and pants and still felt a bit lost in the middle of his room. "What are you feeling ashamed of?"

"Uhm...", even now he couldn't give him a break. "I...my words...and..."

"But you don't regret what we did, do you?", he raised his chin and noticed the frown on Oikawa's face. Slowly, it dawned on him what was going on and with a few quick steps, he sat down next to Seijoh's captain and shook his head.

"No. I don't", relief washed over Oikawa's face, a sight that made Suga feel all fuzzy inside. He had been afraid he had forced him to something he hadn't wanted but- "It was great, I just- I've never done that before and I don't usually speak like that."

"Did it feel good?"

"I mean...yes. Yeah, it really did", having Oikawa twist under his body and being able to control him with nothing but words had been overwhelming. Suga had never felt like this before. He stole another look at Oikawa, the tall and confident captain of Aoba Johsai, always teasing, somewhat bratty, flirty and mean at times but melting under his touch - it seemed surreal.

"You're quite good at being bratty", Oikawa smirked and snatched his chin to turn his head towards him. The same gesture Suga had used so often on him, now with their roles reversed and it was a weird, tingling sensation that fluttered in his stomach the second their eyes met. Suga sharply inhaled his breath. For a brief moment, his heartbeat fell out of rhythm. Then he switched back into familiar terrain, a snarky remark on the tip of his tongue.

"I learnt from the master."

"You flatter me."

"Don't get ahead of yourself."

"Better put me back into my place then."

Slowly, Oikawa retreated the hand around his jaw, putting up his palms defensively, a daring smirk playing around his lips. Suga stared at him, eyes wide. After all their battles, the banter, the fights, they were sitting here - Suga had fallen for him, maybe even longer ago than he had wanted to admit it and Oikawa must know about it. Because who couldn't fall for him? From his ridiculously fluffy hair to the high cheekbones and the tempting lips to the whole demeanour he showed to the world. He either made people furious or flustered and somehow Suga was able to feel both emotions at once, whenever he looked at the smug grin presented to him. He raised his hand and cupped his cheek, his thumb sweeping over warm skin. Oikawa blinked at him, the smirk slowly vanishing, lips parting. Was he still playing? Was he real about it?

A mistake, maybe. To lean in for this particular kiss, to close his eyes when Oikawa's mouth opened for him, hot and ready, hands still hovering in the air. Giving him the illusion of leading as Suga gently sucked in his lower lip between his teeth. But it felt so good. So right. He wanted to do this exact mistake - to feel his heart thudding under his palm, to feel this soft lips against his, the blood pounding in his ears, drowning out all the voices that told him to keep away from Oikawa Tōru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey OiSuga fam, how are we feeling today?


	20. Asahi - a real man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Asahi shows Noya his hiding place.
> 
> content notes: referenced homophobia, implied physical child abuse // childhood trauma.

Lazy fingers brushed through the rich green blades of grass, the same spot over and over again, drawing little ribbons into the ground, slow and steady. His back was planted calmly against the earth and the sun caressed his skin with its warm rays similar to the hug of a starved lover.

His actual lover, though, was sitting a few feet away, wearing headphones and immersed in music. Asahi turned his head so he could admire Noya's profile, all from the cute blonde tuft of hair to the petite nose and round cheeks. Karasuno's libero sat cross-legged on the grassy slope that led into the nearby forest and his eyes were glassy, covered in daydreams and deep thoughts. Asahi's lips pulled into a vague smile before he tucked the hands behind his head and inhaled a deep breath as if he tried to breathe in the sunbeams covering both of them.

Asahi had dragged Noya along to one of his favourite places because ever since their second match against Nekoma and since their setter had walked in on them, Noya had been awfully quiet, brooding almost. So Asahi had decided to show him a place where he spent a lot of time rearranging his thoughts. A place not far from his home but on the opposite side of busy hiking paths for the right amount of privacy, just in front of the deeper forest so enough sun was shining through to keep them warm. He really hoped it would work. It was normal for Asahi to overthink and get consumed by doubts but for Noya, it was frightening. He didn't want him to go through the same thing.

However, Asahi knew what he was thinking. The way Nekoma's setter had yelled at them had startled him as well. Of course, he knew there was nothing wrong with kissing Noya. It didn't matter if they were both men, everything they had done had been completely consensual and, well, okay it had been unlucky running into another person while doing so but they hadn't been doing that on purpose. Normally, they were a bit more careful.

But even if he knew what was going through Noya's head, it wouldn't make a difference. Asahi knew all too well he couldn't push the smaller one to say anything, so he kept quiet and let the peace of his favourite hiding spot do the magic. After another twenty minutes, Noya finally tugged one of the earphones out and looked at him. Asahi, who had been close to dozing off, was startled when he heard his own voice coming out of the earphone.

"Have you been listening to the song again?"

"On repeat", Noya nodded but stopped the video of Asahi on his phone. "You said it's fine if I do it while wearing headphones."

"I did. I'm just surprised, that's all", and maybe terribly flustered.

"I think that's what we have to do", Noya drew in his legs and placed his chin on his knees, staring down towards the edge of the forest. "Hiding behind headphones."

"What do you mean?", Asahi sat up and supported his weight with his elbows.

"When we kiss. I don't think we can do that in public."

"We weren't in public when the guy saw us."

"I know. But that just makes it worse. I don't-", Noya's shoulders tensed and the muscles of his jaw were working restlessly. "I don't wanna get yelled at in public."

Now Asahi was sitting completely upright.

"I don't think people will yell at us."

"But we don't know that. Nekoma's setter looked pretty calm to me and yet he flipped out on us because he thought we were disgusting - I don't even know if Ryuu would be okay with this."

Annoyance pinched in Asahi's forehead, his eyebrows tipping into an earnest angle: "I don't care what Tanaka-san thinks."

"Well, _I do_ ", Noya's voice suddenly sounded defiant. Asahi didn't like where this was going at all. The way he stubbornly met his gaze and yet looked so defeated, it hurt. "You always wonder how other people perceive you, yet you wanna tell me you don't care if they are mad at us?"

"Mad at what? Us being in love?"

The words just slipped. Both of them flinched when they heard them, eyes widening and staring at each other. Noya's mouth opened to a surprised _Oh_ whereas Asahi covered his lips with his palm. He hadn't wanted to say it. Or, he had wanted to say it but not like that. Not during an argument. Now he couldn't take it back, another moment between them he had ruined.

Honey-brown eyes glistened in the afternoon sun before Noya looked down at his knees again.

"Mad at boys kissing, I mean."

So he decided to ignore it. Brushed it away. A sour mix of shame and anger roiled in Asahi's stomach as he averted his gaze. This was so humiliating. He knew it would've been too early to say it out loud even in such a twisted context and yet he had blurted it out like an idiot just to make a point. But his point still stood. While Asahi wasn't as brave as Noya, he couldn't see anything wrong with them holding hands in public. He couldn't see how it should be wrong because one person had yelled at them when everything about kissing Noya felt so right. Instead of telling him so, Asahi inwardly sighed and refused to look at Karasuno's libero, too ashamed to engage any further.

"You know, my grandpa always told me to _man up_ when I was little."

Noya blew up his cheeks and exhaled his breath with the longest sigh ever.

"I was scared of so many things. Bugs, dogs, thunderstorms, I would cry every time I encountered one of those."

In spite of feeling ashamed, Asahi turned to look at him again. Noya was deep in thought once more, memories of the past casting shadows on his soft face.

"But, yeah, I was told to man up - whatever that meant, I doubt my six-year-old self understood any of that. So I had to come up with a plan to avoid any punishment."

"Wait, punishment for being scared?"

A sad smile washed over Noya's mouth before it twisted back into a frown.

" _Man up, Yū! A real man is not afraid of dogs! Oh, you won't stop crying? I'll give you a reason to cry then_!", Noya smacked his palms against his knees so loud, it flushed out some of the birds in the surrounding trees. "Yeah. That sucked. So I thought of a solution. I mean, you can't simply stop being scared, right? I mean...it's hard. It was hard."

"Noya, I had no idea", Asahi slipped over the grass to close the gap between them and put his hand on the smaller one's knee. Noya's hand settled on top of his, gently squeezing it with another sigh.

"When I encountered an aggressive dog, who simply wanted to be left alone, he would push me further because I had to man up and show the animal I was calling the shots, or whatever. So imagine me, six years old, staring into a row of terrifying teeth at the same level as my head. I knew I wasn't allowed to cry so I tried to calm myself with taking breaths. In and out, steady, drowning all the sobs in my throat. And it worked. It didn't only calm me but the dog, too."

"Inhale, exhale", Asahi wrapped his arm around Noya's shoulders and pulled him closer. The day he had had a panic attack in the clubroom, Noya hadn't hesitated for a second. He had kneeled beside him and walked him through it as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Suddenly Asahi realized for him, it was. Since he had been using this technique for a decade, it must feel natural to Noya after all. Asahi swallowed hard. The thought of a scared, little Noya made him incredibly sad.

"Breathing didn't make dogs any less scary. But it helped to avoid a beating. It took me a few months to come up with new solutions. And it kinda stuck with me. So now, whenever I encounter something I'm scared of, I study it for all its little details. Breaking something big and scary into small elements makes it less overwhelming."

"So for dogs, it would be like their ears or paws?"

"Fluffy fur between their ears, the tail wagging in a funny way, big, dark noses that twitch when they sniff. Not as scary anymore."

"You are incredible, Noya."

"Yet I'm kind of scared of what we are diving into, Asahi."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"But I don't get why you aren't. Aren't you scared of everything?"

"Hey! Not of everything", he ruffled through Noya's hair, messing it up and the smaller one slapped away his hands with a squeal. At least it brought a grin back on his face. Asahi hated seeing him so distressed. "You may find it difficult to believe but it's pretty hard to be scared as long as you are around."

Noya's hand slipped between them and playfully punched Asahi between the ribs. He tried to duck out of the way and Noya chased after him. Within seconds, they tumbled down the slope, rolling over the grass and came to a halt a few metres below their starting point. Asahi managed to snatch Noya's wrists and pushed him back into the ground, his body settling over Karasuno's libero, knees left and right from Noya's thighs.

"You are a small but unyielding force. With you by my side, I feel prepared for everything."

"Did you just call me small?"

Asahi's lips curved into a rare smirk: "Are you going to deny that?"

Noya puffed up his cheeks and looked up the length of Asahi's body above him. He tried to wiggle under his grip and Asahi sharply inhaled when his hips brushed against his, igniting a spark down his spine. The next time their gazes locked, their playful smiles slowly dripped from their faces. There it was again. The burning gaze of Noya's honey-eyes. The one that flooded him with heat. An electric flicker dancing over his bones, making them ache for his touch, his kiss, his everything. 

He sank into him, his weight pushing them deeper into the grass, yet Noya didn't complain. Deft fingers snatched away his hairband so heavy curls brushed along his cheeks as he dragged Noya into a kiss. This time it was sweet and deep, how Asahi liked it the most because now they didn't have to rush, they didn't have to hide, they could take their time exploring and drown in the other one's touch. Noya opened his lips for him and their tongues danced with each other lazily while the sunshine tickled their skin. After a while Asahi let himself being pushed down, so Noya got to be on top, his sturdy legs wrapping around his hips when he kissed the dimples hiding between his stubble only to meet him again with smouldering lips. 

Asahi's palms rubbed over Noya's legs and felt his muscles twitching beneath his touch. He pressed against them, a bit firmer than usual, grabbing into his skin until Noya gasped against his mouth. He might be smaller than him, however, Noya's body was a lot more muscular than his, especially his thighs. Covered in little bruises from practice but sturdy and athletic and just perfect for his hands to claw into. Asahi noticed how Noya's hips jolted forward whenever he gripped firmer onto the back of his thighs and he found himself testing further up, his fingertips gliding beneath the seam of his shorts as he felt the muscles twitching under his skin, lithe and lean until he came up against the fabric of Noya's briefs and stopped. 

Noya's hands swept into his tangled hair, grabbing the roots at the side of his head and now both of them were too distracted to keep up their kiss. Asahi's lips fluttered against Noya's chin and then deeper across the sensitive skin of his throat because Noya had lifted his head up, panting heavily. His nostrils flared when he inhaled Noya's scent, the perfect mix of summer and storm, of sweet peach and a hint of fresh rain lingering on his tongue as Asahi licked down the vulnerable part of his neck. It was so easy to get carried away by him, the way he twitched on top of him, when his breath came in sharp bursts and how his fingers curled deep into his hair, desperately trying to keep his balance in all of this. 

They made out for hours or days, Asahi really couldn't tell, but when they finally broke their last kiss, the sun was long gone and neither was on top of anybody, instead, they lay next to each other in a hug, Noya's leg slung over his hip. Their clothes were stained with grassy spots and their necks were stained with lovebites. Noya's honey-brown eyes were bright and fierce, even shining through the dim light of the approaching night and Asahi was speechless once more. Speechless it was him who Noya gave his fiery devotion to. 

"I wish we could do this every second of the day."

"Same."

"It doesn't feel wrong", Noya picked up on the harsh words Nekoma's setter had thrown at them. 

"Definitely not."

"Still, I'm scared. My grandpa can't find out about this, he will be-"

"Noya", Asahi's thumb glided over the smaller one's lips, bruised from all the kissing. "We don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to."

He could feel his shoulders sloping in his arms and hugged him closer. In the end, Asahi didn't care. He would never force Noya to come out or to do anything he didn't want to. He could wait. As long as the waiting was filled with them being together like this, he wouldn't complain. 

"Just...please don't shut me out anymore. If you're upset, share your thoughts with me instead of hiding behind a recording of my stupid song."

"It's not stupid!"

"You're missing the point."

"I know. I'll tell you whenever something bugs me."

"I know it's hard. We suck with words."

"We excel in kissing, though."

A laugh jumped in Asahi's throat.

"Seriously, though. Your song isn't stupid."

He could feel himself blushing and tried to dodge Noya's piercing look but there was no way to turn his head all cuddled up like this. Karasuno's libero put a hand on his flushed cheek and smiled.

"You should play on stage or something."

"Oh god, I would die."

"You don't know if you don't try!"

"Oh, believe me, I definitely know that", Asahi answered, thinking of the disaster that had been his performance in front of Karasuno at training camp. "It's just a fun pasttime, that's all."

Noya grumbled somewhere into Asahi's neck and the way his lips moved against his skin, made him chuckle. With a nudge of his fingers, he lifted his chin so they could look at each other. 

"I shall play for the audience of one only", he announced and before he could have a change of heart, he inhaled a deep breath and started to sing, the first time without his guitar swallowing up most of his voice. 

_And he smells like lemongrass and sleep  
He tastes like apple juice and peach  
Oh, he would be at home in a Polaroid photo  
And he...  
Means everything to me_

It was just one verse, it was shaky and the embarrassment was almost unbearable but the gleaming joy on Noya's face was worth it. He gave him a round of applause before he pulled him down into another sweet kiss and nuzzled their noses against each other. Again, Noya never got tired of challenging him and again Asahi couldn't help but chase after him, leaving behind his anxiety, even if just for a second, it was breathtaking, a gust of wind taking away everything he was afraid of. Noya was everything he yearned for.

There was a cheek-aching smile plastered on Asahi's face as they rolled around on the grass one more time, exchanging butterfly kisses and quiet giggles.


	21. Kenma - the cat prince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the prince gets his kiss. 
> 
> content notes: self-harm, panic attack.

Normally Kenma would hide in his room whenever he felt overwhelmed with life and the world and normally Kuro would join him after a day to keep him company before he would drag him out again, gently but with just the right amount of stubbornness to convince him life wasn't that bad after all. And because he knew that, Kenma had changed his ways to cope. In a quite unhealthy way but the times where he had cared were long gone.

Like a stray cat, he roamed through the streets without any directions, through chill evening breezes and pouring rain until his hair was sticking to his cheeks. Cold raindrops merging with hot streams of tears, desperately trying to keep his focus on each upcoming step. Whereas he despised running during training, now all he could think of was keeping up the pace.

_Be on the move or life is gonna catch up._

And he wasn't ready for that. The bright headlights of passing cars blinded him and soon the wind was pulling heavily on his Nekoma jacket. He had wanted to get rid of it but hadn't been able to yet. Instead, he wore it every time he went on these absurd, neverending walks until it was soaked and smelled and was overall uncomfortable - as if he wanted validation how awful Nekoma and the whole volleyball club was. Because he for sure wouldn't admit he was missing it.

Volleyball had never been his passion but it had been part of his life nonetheless. Sadly, it was inevitably tied to Kuro, too. A connection Kenma couldn't manage to keep up right now. Which had been the reason why he had run away in the first place. Kenma clenched his teeth while he made a sharp turn back to his house. There were still a few miles ahead of him and the soles of his feet were already aching but he pushed through it anyway. The pain was somewhat comforting. It dragged him away from his devastating thoughts. The thoughts that he had thrown away the one thing he valued most in life and that he couldn't take it back.

Game over caused by his own mistakes. One wrong step and Kenma had crashed into the ground with roaring thunder. Shame simmered under his skin, prickling like a thousand needles and he hated it. He hated all these emotions, which were too much and having no outlet. Neither volleyball nor videogames could take away the ache in his body and the belief that there was something utterly wrong with him.

Why couldn't he be like everyone else? Why couldn't he just joke around like Fukunaga? Why couldn't he just push through all problems like Tora? Why couldn't he be there for his friends like Kuro? Why did he always have to mess everything up like the selfish brat he was? It was unbearable. The past weeks he had been nothing but a burden to his teammates and friends.

His thoughts were spiralling out of control right now and even though he was aware of it, he couldn't stop it. The monsters inside his head were screaming too loud, clawing into his mind and ripping through his chest. Kenma's breaths got more and more rapid as he was approaching his home. Panic welled up in his stomach. Yet he had built up a wall so high, always hiding behind it, nobody would be able to see through it. So his parents didn't notice when he brushed past them to go upstairs and lock himself in his bathroom.

Kenma sank to the floor immediately, still soaking wet from all his wandering around, and the Nekoma jacket stuck to his skin in a more than uncomfortable way. He tugged on the sleeve and gasped in pain - the wet fabric was practically glued to the scratches on his forearm. Kenma straightened his back and yanked the sleeve back with one quick motion. It stung like hell and a litany of profanities escaped his mouth. He took off the jacket completely and threw it in the bathtub.

One of the scratches caused by Kurocat had been ripped open and a few drops of blood flowed over his arm. Kenma dragged the back of his hand against the wound and applied more pressure until he couldn't hold in a gasp anymore. It hurt. But physical pain was better than the emotional one. This one he could control - the chaos in his head was harrowing. Kenma dug his nails into the opened wound and twisted his fingers, tears streaming down his cheeks. And then all the controlled movement slipped and he scratched over the cuts rapidly, biting his tongue until he tasted blood and fell forward on the bathroom floor. His cheek rubbed across the cool surface but it wasn't enough to hold him back from hurting himself.

Frantic sobs were interrupted by a demanding meow from the other side of the bathroom door. Kenma lifted his head. Trembling fingers unlocked the door and Kurocat squeezed himself through the small gap, immediately making his way towards Kenma's lap and curling inside, paws prodding against his legs. Kenma stared down at the cat in disbelief. He had heard about pets being able to feel whenever their owner was distressed yet he hadn't expected it from annoying Kurocat. Nevertheless, it was what he needed to snap out of it. He clutched his arms around Kurocat, who complained very vocal about it and hugged him tightly. With shivering legs he made his way to his bedroom and plopped down on the mattress, holding Kurocat tight. After a few seconds of protest, the cat seemed to have given up and held still. The fur brushing against the raw skin on Kenma's forearm caused him to wince in pain, yet he didn't move. He lay still until Kurocat started purring and until the sheets beneath his cheek were drenched in tears.

Yes, normally Kuro would show up soon. But this time he didn't.

Because Kenma had shut him out of his life, him and the rest of Nekoma. The enormity of this finally crashed into his stomach, cold and heavy. Another wave of uncontrollable sobs washed over his body, his insides cramping terribly. Kenma reached for his phone in his pocket and Kurocat used the time of distraction to escape his grip and find a new spot on his pillow. His view was blurry but he exactly knew which buttons to press and seconds later he clasped his phone against his ear, convinced his heart would jump out of his throat any moment.

He picked up after the second ring.

"I can't do this", he blurted out through another sob and threw his phone away before there could be an answer. Whatever it would be, he couldn't take it. Even the slightest rejection would kill him right now - Kenma curled up into a whimpering mess on his mattress, fingers buried in his hair, somehow holding onto it while the world was spinning way too fast around him and dark spots flickered in front of his eyes.

He didn't know how long he stayed like this but the familiar knocks - two short ones, a brief pause, another one - tore him out of his misery. The exhaustion hit him like a truck as he snapped back into reality and he entered his room, closing the door behind him and locking it once he saw the mess that was Kenma right now. Kuro kneeled in front of his bed and one hand appeared in his field of view. Kenma dragged his cheek over the sheets until he could see him through wet strands of blonde hair.

"Hey", a gentle smile cast across Kuro's face but this time it also reached his eyes and his voice. Soft Kuro was back and Kenma had never been so relieved to see him that he wasn't able to do anything else but sob and slowly crawling towards him. He wrapped his arms around his neck and his upper body hung out of bed in a somewhat awkward position, yet Kuro managed to support his weight and hugged him back, two warm hands lacing on Kenma's back.

"You gave us a scare, Kenma. What are you doing?", he let Kenma sob some more seconds, tears running down between their cheeks before he pulled him upwards and back on the bed. Kenma hurried to hide his arms behind his back but Kuro was faster. He always was. Long fingers grabbed for his wrist and he muttered something under his breath that sounded much the same as _Fuck_ and some other swearing Kenma couldn't make out when his eyes took in the whole scale of Kenma's cuts and scratches.

"I'm gonna get some disinfectant and bandages from the bathroom, you stay here. Have you eaten today? Do you want me to get some water?"

"Kuro", was all Kenma managed to say. He had expected him to scold him because he had left the team hanging in such an awful way, he even had braced himself for another screaming battle, this time with him involved but Kuro was having none of it. He sent another, sharp smile in his direction though this time it was scarred with worry before he left Kenma's room. Kenma heard him shouting downstairs, something towards his parents about how Kurocat had scratched him once more and he would take care of it. He couldn't make out the answer, yet he was sure Kuro was handling it well. He always was.

Their captain, the one who connected all of them despite any difficulties, the one he could lean on, anytime, no matter how much he hurt him, he would always stand up for Kenma anyway. Kuro was back within minutes, now sitting next to him on the bed and grabbing for his hurt arm carefully. Kenma sat there quietly and watched him going to work. He bit down on his lips when the disinfectant burnt his skin and winced. Kurocat appeared around them, watching with big, yellow eyes and Kenma liked to think he was concerned as well.

"So? Did you eat?", Kuro asked as soon as the wound is all bound up.

"Not really."

"Tsk. One day out of the team and already neglecting your diet."

"Kuro", Kenma started for the second time but he didn't know what else to say so it was just the name of his best friend, hanging between them like a sad whisper from forgotten memories.

"You sure like your dramatic exits, huh?", there was a grin pulling at the corner of Kuro's mouth and the sight let Kenma's stomach flutter with warmth. "Smashing a mirror, you've got guts!", his tone shifted into his best Tora-impression and suddenly a laugh bucked in Kenma's chest and escaped his mouth. It sounded strange and out of place but he couldn't help it. Kuro did that sometimes. Making him feel strange and out of place.

"You noticed?"

"Noticed? Nah, it was so hard to miss, just hundreds of glass shards on the bathroom floor", Kenma rolled his eyes but Kuro went on. "Don't worry, though. I covered for you."

"What do you mean?"

"It means if you damage school property there usually is punishment. I got banned from training for a month and won't be playing during the tournament."

"What?! But you have to play!", Kenma jumped from his bed, the adrenalin spiking in his veins. He stared at Kuro in disbelief, who had the audacity to just shrug and smile at him after he had complained about not being able to play because of his head injury for days. "I'm gonna make this right!"

"Nah, Nekoma needs their regular setter for the games."

"But I left."

"Yeah. Don't do that again."

"Kuro, what the hell?!", Kenma gestured wildly in front of him, unable to comprehend what he was saying. Nekoma's captain seemed so calm and collected it didn't fit him at all. After all the fights they had had the past weeks, Kenma wasn't sure what to make of his behaviour. It almost was as if the old Kuro was back, the one before everything had gone downhill and he couldn't explain why.

"What, Kenma? Do you have something to say?"

"No. Yes."

"I'm listening."

"Why are you like this?"

"What do you mean?", Kuro's obsidian eyes narrowed and Kenma wasn't sure if he was playing or being serious and it made him furious. Only Kuro was able to drive him up the wall this quickly.

"Why are you like I haven't been the biggest asshole on the planet to all of you?"

"Have you ever achieved anything by yelling at a cat?"

"What?", Kenma's eyes darted instinctively to Kurocat, the ruffled mass of black fur on his bed, watching them in his typical unfazed manner. "I mean, no. You can't tell cats what to do."

"See", Kuro leaned back on his bed until his back rested against the wall. "You brought Kurocat along from the training camp and he was floundering because cats don't deal well with major changes. It means stress for them. You found out about Yaku and me and your stress levels skyrocketed because it was new for you and instead of adjusting healthily, you ran away. I bet Kurocat would've run away if you had let him out immediately after coming here, too."

"Are you comparing my life crisis to the one of a cat?"

"You sure know how to be dramatic, Kenma."

"Shut up!", Kenma snapped and he wished he could drag Kuro through the room right out the door. But instead, he crossed his arms and shot one glacial stare after another in his direction. "Stop telling me how I feel, you have no clue about me at all!"

"Then tell me."

"Don't you get it? That's the whole problem! I can't tell you."

"Why?"

"Because-", Kenma could feel his voice breaking and rubbed over his throat as if it would force the words to come out. "Because whatever I do, I'll always be the odd one out. I don't want to be the brain of Nekoma, I just want to be one of you. I don't want to be the setter prince everybody tends to, I just want to be someone who is like everyone else. And yet I'm here, behaving like some kind of bratty prince telling you who to love and causing you trouble. I wish I could get lost in the crowd and just be normal."

"Kenma", Kuro's obsidian eyes were hazy, vague bits of an orbit Kenma had yet to explore and their gaze caused his breath to come shallow. "No matter how hard you try, you'll never get lost in the crowd for me. And you will always be different from anybody else."

He wanted the world to swallow him whole, he wanted to avert his eyes from Kuro's tender and unreadable face but he couldn't. So when Kuro raised his hand towards him, still sitting on his bed, Kenma stepped forward instinctively.

"Also, who do you think you are, being able to control who I love?"

There was a short, sharp pain in his chest when Kuro said that but then the corner of his mouth pulled into this sly smile Kenma knew all too well; it was a glimpse of all the years they had shared, being incredibly close despite everything life had thrown at them and it caused Kenma to finally take another step and reach for the hand he was holding out to him.

"I'm sorry. I will stop. You and Yaku can do whatever you want", something inside him wanted to pull his hand away but another tremendous part of him wanted Kuro to hold onto it forever.

"You're such an idiot, bratty prince", Kuro teased and tilted his head. Before Kenma grasped what was going on, Kuro brought his hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it. Catlike golden eyes widened in disbelief as Nekoma's captain stayed where he was, mouth pressed onto his skin like he was some kind of knight in shining armour and Kenma hated it. He hated how he teased him and played it ideally and how it fitted them so ridiculously perfect.

How he had taken something Kenma despised about himself and turned it into a moment so intimate, Kenma couldn't even pull his hand away. Hell, he didn't want to. He was frozen in time, his eyes becoming wet because he didn't dare to blink. After all, if he did, Kuro might disappear from his room. Yet he was still there, seconds after kissing his hand, apparently unable to break their connection and Kenma felt heat flooding his cheeks.

Kuro's mouth rose from the back of his hand but instead of leaning back, his lips brushed over Kenma's white knuckles, featherlight and all-consuming. Kenma's hand twitched but Kuro's grip got a bit tighter, still so gentle you wanted to melt into it, though telling him it was okay, to stay, just this once, to not run away. And Kenma stayed, the muscles in his arm relaxing, the tight knot in his throat changing into an awkward cough as Kuro's lips ghosted over his knuckles.

He bent Kenma's hand, mouth pressing against the slightly sweaty, cold palm and Kenma was sure he would pass out any second now. Kuro had always been intense, always been over the top if he wanted it yet it seemed surreal he would be able to cause such a reaction with nothing but light kisses against his hand. Kenma spread his fingers to catch a glimpse of those dark, slanted eyes but they were closed. Hot breaths tickled his palm, followed by a cascade of kisses from the ball of his hand up to the tip of his index finger and Kenma couldn't hold in an overwhelmed gasp anymore.

He pushed him over some kind of edge - with feathery kisses and fake chivalry, or whatever, Kenma didn't know anymore. All he knew was Kuro was holding his hand and caressing it as if he was born to do it, as if he had been planning this, as if it was the only thing he wanted to do for the rest of days and Kenma's knees got weak when his heartbeat fell out of rhythm.

Or rather, into a new rhythm. One swaying into the touch of Kuro's lips and the way his breath flew against his skin, wave after wave, not with crashing, overwhelming force but gentle, slowly getting him used to how it felt, how it always had felt. Kenma did know all of this. He had known for ages but it had been scary, always hidden in a box stored far away in his head. Covered by a heavy panel of fabric, hidden from his view because if he pushed it aside, if he opened that damn box their friendship would never be the same.

It cost him all of his remaining willpower to withdraw his hand from Kuro's paralyzing lips. Kenma brought up his palm to his own mouth and his lips pressed against it, mind going blank. Maybe he was imagining it but he could smell Kuro on his hand, he could feel his lips right there.

"What do we do?", he asked even though he knew none of them would have an answer.

But Kuro got up and stretched, the only hints left of their intimate moment being red lips and a soft blush blossoming on his cheeks, and put an arm around Kenma's shoulder.

"First, we go down to your parents and tell them about your arm", he pointed at the bandaged forearm. "Because we can't let that happen again."

"Urgh, Kuro-"

"Not a chance", Kuro interrupted him with a sharp voice but Kenma could hear the worried tone underneath it, so he nodded. "You can't keep hurting yourself. We have to talk about this. Your parents will kill me if we keep it a secret, so let's go."

"Kuro, I-"

"I have your back", the arm around his shoulder squeezed him even tighter. "Always."


	22. Suga - crooked tones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a king meets a flock of crows.

Dating Oikawa Tōru was challenging.

It was a game of cat-and-mouse and either of them had to be the cat as much as the mouse. Meaning when they were in public, it was Oikawa who without a doubt was playing the part of the dangerous jungle panther luring in its prey - with nonchalant smirks, frisky comments and always a firm grasp around Suga's hip - whereas when they were alone, all the teasing would change into an ambush to bait Suga into his more assertive side, which could easily take on a bratty cat.

Either way, it was intense. Not that they had spent a lot of time together yet. Their schedules simply didn't allow it, not with Interhigh coming up. But Oikawa would never get tired of sending Suga suggestive texts and pictures during the day and especially in the evening, causing Suga to become more and more audacious when it came to talking to him. It was easier to be bold over text, after all. And it was thrilling whenever Oikawa sent him a lewd picture to prove how much he got aroused by Suga's texts. Deep inside Suga knew all this dirty talk over the phone and the focus on sex rather than any feelings was just their way of avoiding the natural tension that came with their relationship.

Oikawa was the captain of Aoba Johsai and they would be rivals in the upcoming tournament. So while their beginning had been all about volleyball, once they had started making out it had shifted completely from that subject as if to avoid an inevitable battle.

Up until tonight. The last night before Interhigh and somehow the night, where Oikawa had decided he wanted to get to know Suga's friends better. Suga wasn't sure what to make of it - whenever he mentioned Oikawa, Daichi would tense up and Tanaka pulled a face. They weren't too fond of him, however, Suga kind of wanted them to get along, especially since it looked like Oikawa and he would actually become a thing. But maybe the point in time was a bit suboptimal.

Yet here they were, at the Big Echo karaoke bar in Sendai near the Nagamachi Station, crammed into one of the rooms with a bunch of food and soft drinks and a karaoke machine all to themselves. Themselves, that included the third- and second-years of Karasuno and Oikawa, if he decided to show up because right now, he was late and Suga was worried he wouldn't come after all. It didn't help that Daichi hovered around him, apparently holding back one of his "I told you so"-looks.

Meanwhile, Tanaka and Noya were singing their hearts out to a catchy pop song without any shame (and rhythm). Noya even threw in some air guitar play. Everybody was cheering them on apart from Asahi, who seemed withdrawn into himself, sitting on the edge of the cushioned bench. To avoid a lecture from Daichi, Suga squeezed himself between Ennoshita and Asahi. It wasn't unusual for Asahi to become quiet before a tournament but that didn't mean he couldn't use some cheering up.

"Ready for your performance, rockstar?", he taunted him with a nudge of his elbow.

"Ah. I think I'll leave the spotlight to Tanaka and Noya for the night."

"You know, Noya hasn't stopped talking about your song any chance he gets. I bet he would like to hear you sing."

Asahi frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"We talked. And decided it would be better to keep it down a bit. Regarding our, uh, relationship", Asahi and Suga paused for a moment to watch how Tanaka and Noya clung onto the same microphone, half singing, half screaming the last bits of the song and Ennoshita almost choked on his harumaki because he was laughing so much.

"That sounds as if it was a one-sided decision?"

"No. I mean, I would love to be able to just hold his hand in public but I think he needs more time, so of course, I'm going to give it to him... He worries a lot about his family and Tanaka's opinion."

Noya and Tanaka bowed dramatically and got back to their seats, immediately starting to fight for the last harumakis. Suga rolled his eyes. Once those two were in a frenzy it was hard to stop them. Luckily, they had brought Daichi along, who managed to keep them from being thrown out for being too loud. However, Karasuno had observed how Oikawa had picked Suga up from school and Tanaka hadn't made a single comment about them being both boys, he had rather said he hated Oikawa because he was a pompous brat and Suga couldn't even argue with that.

"I think Tanaka will be fine. But I'll gladly play guinea pig once Oikawa decides to grace us with his presen-", he couldn't even finish the sentence before the door swung open and Oikawa in all his glory stepped in, followed by his entourage consisting of Iwaizumi and two of Aoba Johsai's first-years, Kunimi and Kindaichi. A sight which caused Noya and Tanaka to promptly stop their bickering and glare at the enemy team.

Oikawa ignored the sudden tension - or rather enjoyed it, Suga could see it in the way his lips curved into a fake grin: "Suga-chan, sorry we are late! Did you leave some food for us? We brought some of the first-years along, I hope you don't mind. The more the merrier, am I right?"

Suga managed a concerned smile: "So glad you could make it."

Again, Oikawa had decided who to bring along without telling anybody - not telling his companions either judging by the look on their faces when they watched the rest of them - because this was simply how he was. Always playing by his own rules. Oikawa brushed past all of them and pushed himself between Suga and Asahi, causing Karasuno's ace to almost fall from the bench. He put an arm around Suga's shoulder and kissed him on the cheek.

"How's my favourite setter doing?", he purred loud enough for everybody to hear. Suga knew it was all part of his show, he loved putting him on the spot and to boast about their relationship without any shame - maybe to preempt everybody else from judging them. Yes, Suga knew about all of this yet he couldn't help but blush under his flirtatious tone and chuckled nervously.

"Yo, Oikawa", Tanaka's face was a belligerent grimace and he pointed straight at Seijoh's captain.

"Tanaka, keep it together", Daichi warned.

"If you hurt our precious Suga-san, we will crush you", Tanaka's fingers formed a fist, threatening.

Noya next to him nodded: "Crush you. And we don't mean in a game."

"Right, not in a game."

"Out on the streets."

"You won't see us coming."

"Okay, enough you idiots!", Daichi yelled, causing the rest of them to suppress nervous laughter.

Oikawa, however, didn't seem impressed. The grip around Suga's shoulder got firmer when he leaned over the table and grinned at Noya and Tanaka: "Of course on the street. It's not that you could beat Aoba Johsai in a game, anyway."

Another round of glares shot through the room.

"But you guys have nothing to worry about! I'm here 'cause I like Suga-chan so much I wanna meet his friends, so who is going to sing some karaoke with me?"

"I'm not singing as long as they are around", Noya crossed his arms.

"Yeah, they could film us and use it to blackmail us!"

"Aren't you guys perfectly capable of making a clown out of yourselves without our help?", Kunimi asked, dead serious.

"What did you just say?!"

"Okay, okay!", Suga put up his hands defensively and stared at Noya and Tanaka with a big frown on his face. This wasn't going according to plan at all and the sassy first-years from Aoba Johsai weren't helping either. "Could we all act like adults- or no, just normal teenagers who don't want to rip each other's throats out for one evening? Tomorrow we can fuel the whole tournament banter again, tonight we get along, alright?"

"You heard him", Daichi clapped his hands. "All phones on the table."

"What?!"

"To prevent any blackmail", surprisingly, it was Iwaizumi who chimed in and pulled his beanie from his head, holding it open in front of Seijoh's first-years, who, after another annoyed look towards each other, threw their phones in. Iwaizumi followed suit and gave the cap over to Daichi. There was a brief moment where Seijoh's ace, Daichi and Suga exchanged a look, nodding towards each other and it was enough to keep the troublemakers quiet.

"Alright, alright! Let the fun begin!", Oikawa was all giddy with excitement.

Against Suga's concerns, they actually had fun in the end. After some tense minutes where nobody would dare to touch the karaoke machine but stuffed themselves with food quietly, it was Daichi and Iwaizumi who decided to make fools out of themselves by singing an awful, old country song in a duet that caused everyone to burst into laughter and regret they had put their phones away.

Once they were finished, they glared at Kindaichi and Tanaka, who had made fun of them the most and forced them to take their place on stage next and then it just naturally progressed into a fun evening with a lot of jokes and bad singing - and no volleyball-talk to prevent escalation.

Oikawa was glued to Suga's side. Apart from boasting so much about his natural singing voice, he hadn't made any moves to actually sing, no, he rather spent his time nibbling on Suga's earlobe and whispering naughty words into his ear that caused shivers down his neck.

"If you need some distraction before the tournament tomorrow, we could sneak off to one of the bathrooms on the upper floor, I know one that's super quiet."

"Do I wanna know why you know that?", Suga asked, trying to keep a straight face, while Oikawa purred into his ear.

"Nah, it would make you jealous."

"You're the worst."

"I know, I know. You should punish me for always being so much _trouble_ ~."

Heat crept into the centre of his body when Oikawa's voice changed into that melodious, playful tone he always used to lure him into something he was too shy to try. He bit his lip. Before he could come up with a smart-mouthed answer, Daichi plopped down on Asahi's former seat after their ace had excused himself to the bathroom and put a hand on Oikawa's broad shoulder.

"So, Oikawa. Nice to finally meet you all officially", he didn't look like it was nice at all. For strangers, it might seem as if Daichi was showing off his warmest smile but Suga could practically see the sparks flickering in his dark eyes. Immediately, his body became rigid in Oikawa's arm.

"Right, so happy I get a chance to hang out with Suga-chan's closest friends. What was your name again?"

"Sawamura Daichi."

"Oh, my bad! I'm terrible with names. Karasuno's captain, the only one good at receives, wasn't it?"

"Actually, we have our libero back now, Nishinoya Yū, from Chidoriyama."

"Really? Impressive."

"Yes, he won the prize for best libero in Junior High."

"Why do you sound like an old uncle showing off with Noya-san?", Suga chimed in. If he listened to this fake-friendly conversation for any second longer, his ears would start to bleed. He nudged his elbow between Oikawa's ribs, who gasped exaggeratively.

"I'm not."

"You definitely are."

"Ah, it's fine. I'm used to other captains feeling threatened whenever they are around me."

Oikawa's narcissistic personality didn't ease the tension at all. Suga knew it was all a farce, the mask of the Great King he put on in public but he couldn't call him out right now, so instead he gave him another jab with his arm. Oikawa dodged out of the way and let go of him to turn towards Daichi, smiling like an angel - what a mess.

"Well, you know, as a captain I need to make sure you have no ill intentions towards Suga."

"Oh really? So Karasuno's captain always has an eye on the people his teammates date?"

"Suga is my best friend and-"

"Oi, Sawa-chan", Oikawa put up his hands defensively and smiled his spurious smile. "I have a protective best friend myself, so don't you worry. I would never hurt Suga-chan. Actually, I'm going to comfort him after the tournament."

"Comfort him?"

"Yes", Oikawa nodded despite the shadow that cast over Daichi's face and that usually caused all of Karasuno to run. "When we have crushed you, I'll volunteer to wipe his tears away. Right, Suga-chan?"

"What?", Suga and Daichi said in unison. The warm flutter inside his chest wandered upwards, manifesting as a tight knot inside his throat and Suga gulped when he looked into Oikawa's flawless face. It wasn't the fake grin that struck his attention but the honest eyes locking with his. Oikawa was convinced this was how it would go. Aoba Johsai would crush Karasuno and he would be the lovely boyfriend comforting him after a loss. Suga was speechless, not sure what to make of this absurd situation.

Luckily, it was Noya who diffused the tension by showing up next to Daichi and leaning onto him with a sullen expression: "Daichi-san, have you seen Asahi?"

"I think he went to the bathroom."

"Meh. He just wanted to hide from me", Noya was moping and Suga couldn't help but admire his cuteness - even if Asahi and Noya wanted to keep their relationship a secret, it was so easy to see through them, starting with the adorable pout Noya put on whenever their ace wasn't around. "I asked him to sing with me and suddenly he needs to go. But he sounds sooo good!"

"Your ace is a singer, huh?", Oikawa seemed strangely interested in their conversation or maybe he wanted to change the subject to clear the situation.

"He's so good! I have a recording of him playing the guitar! His voice is all husky when he sings and the way he-", Noya stopped mid-sentence and his eyes narrowed when he noticed Oikawa's seemingly innocent face. "Whatever, I'll just sing with Ryū then."

"I'm gonna get him for you, Noya-san. He can't hide from me. Suga, care to join me?"

"Oh, s-sure", Suga darted an apologetic look at Oikawa and followed Daichi out of the room.

Their shoulders brushed past each other when they walked down the corridor to the public bathroom and Suga could tell by Daichi's firm steps that he was in for a lecture. With a deep sigh, he came to a halt right in front of the bathroom and leaned against the wall. He would rather have his speech without a worried Asahi by his side.

"I don't get it, Suga", and there it began. "He is absolutely obnoxious. What the hell do you see in him?"

Suga was staring at the floor, his hands balled into fists at his sides. Everything, to escape Daichi's reproachful gaze. Truth was, he wasn't sure how to answer his question. Oikawa's comment about the tournament had stirred up the nerves in his stomach - had it been a trick to annoy Daichi some more or did he really mean it? Suga thought he could see through Oikawa by now but fact was, he was still a mystery, especially when they were in public. It seemed everything was a game and he didn't care about him at all apart from putting him on display. Of course, that wasn't true. He cared about him. And Suga knew that. It was just hard to believe when he spoke this way.

"Look, I know you are probably having a huge crush on him but I think he simply takes advantage of that. And I don't want him to hurt you."

Suga inwardly sighed before looking at Daichi. His best friend had closed the gap between them and placed one hand against the wall next to Suga's head. Honest concern caught in every line of his face and Suga couldn't help but smile at him - without Daichi, he would be so lost. Still, he didn't know how to explain his relationship with Oikawa to him. He wouldn't understand. Damn, sometimes Suga himself didn't understand it. But maybe Daichi was right. Maybe it was him having a foolish crush.

"He won't hurt me. He just wants to irritate you. That's kind of his thing."

"What a great character trait to have. Exactly the one you want in a partner", Daichi snorted.

"Please, Daichi. He is different when we are alone."

"God, I hope so."

"He is", Suga found himself nodding rapidly as if he wanted to convince himself as well. "I know everybody calls him the Great King and all but...he really is different. And so much more."

"Suga", Daichi's mouth opened as if he wanted to say something else but instead his voice broke and Suga was met with two dark, worried eyes locking on his face. Karasuno's captain became quiet and his name hung between them without any conclusion. The hand next to his head tightened into a fist. Suga put his hand on Daichi's forearm and squeezed it gently, trying to cheer him up.

"I think everybody tells him he is great and talented but few tell him he is good enough", Suga averted his eyes, heat blossoming on his cheeks as he thought of the broken, honest Oikawa on the bathroom floor, pleading for his hug. "And I want to be the one for him that he feels _enough_ with."

The tension between them disappeared when Daichi took a step back and nodded.

"If that's what you want I support you", he said without looking at Suga but he knew he meant it. "Now let's get Asahi back before Noya-san starts crying."

"Aren't they adorable?", Suga giggled, kind of glad they had changed the subject. He would rather nitpick Asahi's love life than his own.

They barged into the bathroom and found a stressed Asahi splashing water in his face.

"No more hiding! Your boyfriend demands your attention!", Suga yelled.

"Let's go, ace! Time to fulfil your duty as a singer."

"Oh, no, please! That's so embarrassing, really-", Asahi began to stutter but neither Daichi nor Suga had pity with him. They dragged him along the corridor, ignoring his protest while hyping up his singing. Suga could understand he was scared to sing in front of everyone, especially with half of Seijoh around but he also knew Asahi had no reason to feel ashamed. After hours of Tanaka's awful croaking, Asahi's soft voice would sound like a choir of angels.

When they entered their karaoke room again, Tanaka and Noya were busy performing completely out of tune while the others cheered them on - or mocked them, either way, everyone seemed to have fun and nobody was fighting so it was a win in Suga's eyes. The only one not participating was Oikawa, who sat at the table and was going through Iwaizumi's beanie, which held all their phones in them.

"Hey!", Daichi yelled over the awful singing. "We said no phones!"

Oikawa put up his hands with his typical, innocent smile but it didn't reach his eyes: "Sorry. I just wanted to check the time. We all have games tomorrow and should probably head home soon."

"Right but not before Asahi and Noya had their duet!", Suga grinned and pushed Asahi closer to the karaoke machine, where Noya completely forgot to sing his verse when he caught sight of his boyfriend. He let Tanaka finish alone and pushed Asahi to the booklet with all the songs.

After exchanging another look with Daichi, Suga sat down next to Oikawa again.

"So, they are a thing but nobody can know?", Oikawa asked casually.

"Uhm, yeah. So don't tell anybody, okay?", he probably shouldn't be taken aback that he saw through them since Oikawa was pretty observant, yet it took him by surprise.

"I would never", Seijoh's captain smirked. "They are pretty much telling on themselves, though. Especially your libero. Beaming with love. So cheesy, eh?", Oikawa slid closer to him and placed another kiss on his cheek. Suga almost snorted - Oikawa calling other people cheesy while announcing he was all over him at any given moment was too absurd.

"Next time we hang out with my friends could you be a bit nicer to Daichi?"

"Aww, does Daddy Daichi hate me?"

"Don't call him that!"

"Fine", a rough chuckle escaped Oikawa, which made Suga's heart skip a beat. "I'll play nice next time."


	23. Asahi - rock star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Asahi becomes a rock star.
> 
> content notes: homophobia, anxiety attack

The first day of Interhigh. Finally. Asahi was to 90 percent sure he was going to throw up on their way here but he managed to somehow keep his breakfast inside. Not least because Noya had sent him cute pictures from the back row where he was sitting next to Tanaka. Both of them were making faces and sent them to Asahi's phone, who sat next to Daichi and tried to calm his nerves. Last night had been fun after all. Even though they had dragged Asahi on stage and he had sung with Noya in front of a bunch of strangers, it hadn't been as bad as he had feared. Probably because Noya had stolen all the spotlight with his awful singing. Asahi was grateful. With energetic Noya whirling around him nobody really paid him any mind and he liked it that way.

When everybody was blinded by the light their libero radiated, he could fade into the background and just admire him like everybody else. His thumb stroked fondly over the picture Noya had sent him before he put his phone away. They had arrived. Asahi took another calming breath and Daichi gave him a pat on the back.

"Let's win."

They all got out of the bus and shouldered their bags. While Hinata and Asahi were busy containing their anxiety, Kageyama and Noya seemed totally relaxed. Once more Asahi envied them for their nerves of steel when he followed his team inside. Noya hopped up and down with excitement and soon was the familiar little bouncy ball right next to him while they were looking for a spot to put their stuff down.

"You're gonna be great, Asahi!", he had heard these encouragements hundreds of times. Whenever he was anxious, someone would try to distract him with empty phrases like this. But hearing them from Noya was different because he knew, if Noya said it, he actually meant it. He believed in him. So maybe it was time for Asahi to believe in himself, too. He shot Noya an appreciative glance and wished he could kiss him in the middle of the corridor full of the other teams but he couldn't, so he held his gaze a few seconds longer than it would be appropriate if you wanted to be a secret and then approached their spot, where Daichi and Suga were already putting their baggage.

The nerves were roiling in his stomach as he took a seat. His cheeks faded into an unhealthy white, while he rubbed his temples with his palms, trying to compose himself.

"That's him! I swear!"

"Look, the hair and the beard!"

Asahi clenched his teeth together and tried to stare at his knees. It was nothing knew that people talked about him when they were at a tournament. Usually, they would make up horrible rumours that couldn't be farther from the truth. He sighed deeply, ignoring the voices travelling towards them whenever a group of other players walked past them.

"Your reputation precedes you", Daichi grinned.

"If they only knew you are the biggest cinnamon roll", Suga didn't hesitate to tease him.

Asahi wanted to answer but when he parted his lips he could taste bile on his tongue, so he pressed the back of his hand against his mouth and wished for the games to simply start. Once he was on the court he would hopefully calm down. They would be playing against Tokonami High first. Asahi, however, was already worrying about their next opponent, which would be Date Tech, the game that had started all his misery in the first place.

It didn't take long until Ukai-san approached them. It was time. They walked down the corridor, a flock of crows dressed in black and while the people might call them flightless, here, in the middle of everyone, Asahi was getting pumped up. He trusted his team. He knew they were strong, no matter what anybody said. Before they could enter, a light tug on his jersey made him turn around. Noya had fallen behind and nudged towards another corridor.

"We can't-", Asahi whispered nervously but Noya didn't listen. He let go of his jersey and in a few quick jumps, he was out of sight. Asahi hurried to keep up with him and found him waiting just around the corner in front of a bathroom. Noya opened the door and peeked inside before he decided it was safe and dragged him along. Asahi's knees were weak because the nerves had been bottled-up in his body since he had woken up this morning but Noya didn't care, he pushed him in one of the bathroom stalls and locked it behind them.

"Noya, the game is starting soon and we-"

"I know! But I wanted to give you a good-luck kiss anyway", all the stage fright was gone when he looked down at Noya's honest and perfect face, his honey-brown eyes beaming with excitement and his cheeks covered in a wisp of red. He got on his tiptoes and pulled Asahi down to him with an impatient tug on the collar of his jersey. It was a sweet and innocent kiss, short but with a heavy impact because Asahi's heart was suddenly thudding quickly in his chest. His hands grabbed for Noya's face, framing it with his slightly sweaty palms and stole another kiss.

"Good luck", he whispered and couldn't hold back a smile. He was hopelessly in love with him.

"Good luck, ace."

Noya unlocked the door and squeezed through the gap. Asahi hesitated for a second - maybe he should wait before he left as well? He closed the door after Noya had left and kept quiet until a familiar, teasing voice echoed through the bathroom.

"No need to play hide-and-seek. I don't care what you're doing in there."

Asahi slowly opened the door of the bathroom stall to find Oikawa leaning against the sink. He waved at him with a soft smile on his face while Noya looked like he was caught red-handed by the door. Just like his boyfriend, Asahi started to blush. Of all people it had to be him, they ran into. Of course. Asahi didn't trust Oikawa at all. He tried, for Suga's sake but damn, Aoba Johsai's captain wasn't making it easy with his insufferable attitude.

"You have to work on your expressions if you want to keep it a secret, you know?", Oikawa turned around and pretended to check his hair in the mirror. "Just a humble advice."

"Whatever, we have to go. Come, Asahi!", Noya barged out of the room before Asahi could answer. His stomping could be heard down the whole corridor. Asahi inwardly sighed, then he waved back at Oikawa, an apology on his lips. In the last second, he changed his mind.

"Good luck, Oikawa-san."

"Good luck, rock star~."

The word startled Asahi and he was tempted to turn around to ask him about it but then he brushed it aside - now he finally knew what Suga meant with Oikawa being surrounded by an ambiguous aura. But no, he had more important things to focus on. When he entered the gym for their warm-up and got to spike the first ball, his nerves finally calmed down and Asahi entered the court with new confidence, the ghost of Noya's lips against his carrying him to victory.

***********

Something was wrong. They had won, yes. Almost too easily. Karasuno was back, Karasuno had reinvented itself. The crows were revived. Able to fly again. Still, something didn't feel right. Asahi trailed after his team when they made their way to the spot with their belongings again, deep in thoughts. Maybe he had imagined it. Maybe it had been in his head.

Not a lot of people had paid attention to their game at all but there were a few cheers of the crowd that had reached his ears. Cheers and insults. And words he hadn't been able to make out properly. Asahi's thoughts wandered back to Oikawa in the bathroom. The way he had called him a rock star. Had that been a reference to his karaoke performance yesterday? It had to be.

He bumped into Daichi when their whole group suddenly came to a halt, confronted with some of Date Tech's players. Asahi stared right into the face of Aone Takanobu, the one that had been an absolute nightmare to play against, who had blocked all his spikes. He saw Daichi's and Suga's shoulders tense and gulped. His eyes narrowed when Aone raised his hand and pointed right at him.

Noya immediately jumped forward but Asahi held him back, even though he could feel the anxiety crawling under his skin. He tried his best to match Aone's intense stare when suddenly another one of the players stepped forward. Asahi briefly got a glimpse of his light-brown hair before the provocative smirk reached his gaze.

"Aone, careful, you can't go for a famous rock star like that! Watch out or his bodyguards attack!"

"Futakuchi! Aone! Ah, I'm so sorry!", Date Techs captain ran towards them and dragged both of his kouhai back. He bowed his head repeatedly, while the whole of Karasuno seemed paralyzed. "They are so rude, I apologize. I personally really liked your performance, Azumane-san, alright, we see each other on the court!"

He scurried his team away, scolding them while they were walking down the corridor but Asahi caught the eyes of Futakuchi, who looked back over his shoulder and whose mouth formed into puckered lips before laughing hysterically. Blood was pounding in his ears. He could hear Hinata and Yamaguchi wondering what was going on but Asahi couldn't stop looking at the backs of Date Tech until they turned around the corner.

"What the hell?", Daichi's hand rested on his upper arm and finally, Asahi snapped back into reality.

No way. No, they couldn't. Please, no.

Asahi's breath was suddenly coming shallow, his hands started to shake and a cold sweat broke out on the back of his neck. He could feel the world shifting and turning around him, the tiled floor shaking and he staggered forward, reaching for the wall to lean against. Daichi's hands moved for him, desperately trying to keep him up but Asahi sank down to the ground and buried his face in sweaty palms.

"Alright, you guys go and take a break before our next game, we'll be there soon."

Feet stomping over the ground. Cold drops of sweat covering his face. Asahi bit his lip. A lump lodged in his throat and for a brief moment, he felt like he was choking. Then he raised his chin and saw Noya, kneeling in front of him. While the rest of the world was spinning, his face stayed right there and Asahi fixated his worried eyes, an anchor in the whirlwind of emotion that was trying to yank him away.

"Asahi, are you okay? Do you want us to breathe together?"

"What did he mean with _rock star_?", Daichi asked.

"How do they know about our karaoke night?", Suga added, confused.

"You think that's what it's about?"

Asahi let his friends wonder what was going on. He was too busy avoiding a panic attack. A voice inside his head, the meanest one of all, was telling him he should man up and get it together, that he was a damn coward for crouching down in the middle of the gym over a simple comment. Yet it wasn't just a simple comment. It meant so much more and although Asahi wanted it to be a misunderstanding when the next group of guys walked past them, all his fears were confirmed.

"There, the one with the beard! Look, here, I have the video, that's him!"

"Oh my god, you're right! He doesn't even look gay."

"I wonder who he wrote the song for?"

"Hey, Karasuno, who of you tastes like peach?"

Laughter echoed through the hall until Daichi glared at the other team, which suddenly was in a tearing hurry to get away from them. Noya was already about to chase after them but Daichi grabbed him by the collar and held him back. Asahi groaned and leaned his head back. It thumped gently against the wall.

_And he smells like lemongrass and sleep  
He tastes like apple juice and peach_

Apple juice, peach and summer storm. Honey-brown eyes, featherlight lips and deft fingertips. An unknown adventure crammed into a boy's body. A roaring thunder, echoing through his mind and heart. His song, his melody, his lyrics - everything for him. Not a secret anymore.

Their eyes met and he saw the outright fear in Noya's gaze, a sight that caused Asahi's anxiety to spike, his heartbeat hammering painfully in his chest. He could make out the silhouettes of his friends, all huddling around him, a circle of support but they couldn't reach him here. An invisible veil drawn out between them drowned their comforting voices. The thoughts in Asahi's mind warred and they continued to lock on one feeling in particular.

His music, his safe haven, was gone. Unfolded for everyone to see and to make fun of. To laugh about his deepest feelings and fears. Asahi had never felt so exposed before. It was as if every person walking past them stared at him, right into his mind just to pull out his most sacred thoughts, screwing them up and tossing them away. He gasped for air. Every time he had felt overwhelmed with life he had turned towards music but now that was gone. Now everybody knew.

"They know", he managed to get out and didn't notice that the others had been speaking. All three of them, Daichi, Suga and Noya, looked at him. Noya's usual carefree face was ashen.

"Asahi, I'm so sorry-"

"What do you mean?", Suga leaned in closer when another team crossed the hall and even during his anxiety Asahi noticed how his friend wanted to shield him from people's stares. Deep underneath the fear, a little flare of gratitude blossomed in his stomach.

"The song I played at camp", his voice was nothing but a croaking, pathetic whisper. "It's about Noya. And I sang it to him again when we walked home together...the guy said he had a video-"

"Noya, who did you show that video to?", Suga glared at their libero and Asahi hadn't thought it would be possible but Noya got even paler, his lower lip trembling.

"It wasn't Noya", Daichi chimed in. "Remember, when we came back - Oikawa was going through our phones."

"He wouldn't-", Suga immediately talked back but then stopped mid-sentence. Asahi noticed how his shoulders slouched. Silence stretched out between them.

"He called me _rock star_ when we met in the bathroom earlier, too."

Daichi was up on his feet again, hands balled into fists. Although he usually was awfully quiet when he was angry, this time he was fuming. Instead of joining him, Noya seemed oddly silent and sat down next to Asahi, sliding as close as possible until their arms brushed against each other. He drew in his legs and seconds later, his fingers carefully touched Asahi's side. A subtle gesture to remind him he wasn't alone.

"I knew Oikawa was up to something."

"Daichi, we aren't sure if he really-"

"Suga", their captain pulled Suga back on his feet and mustered him with a serious expression. "Please reconsider last night and then swear he is innocent."

Asahi knew exactly how Suga felt right now and he suffered with him. If Oikawa had somehow shared the video he had done so on purpose, to shame Asahi for no other reason than his entertainment. Because there was literally no other reason. Suga had always said Oikawa was different than he showed himself to the world but right now everything spoke against that. Nevertheless, Suga was in love and it must hurt.

Tears welled up in his friend's eyes and Suga took a deep breath to calm himself but his body was shaking. "He probably did it", he then said and the pain in his voice was plainly audible.

"This fucking asshole", Daichi cursed. "I'm going to talk to him."

"No! No, let me. I should...I should be the one doing that", Suga darted a look towards Asahi and Noya, who were still sitting on the ground. "I'm so sorry Asahi. I messed up."

"It's not your fault", Noya shook his head, his energy slowly coming back. "It's Oikawa's."

"I trusted him", Suga clenched his teeth. "I really did."

Daichi pulled him into a hug: "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"No. It's fine. I can do this. I'm not afraid of him. And nobody gets to hurt my friends."

"Before we plot revenge we should get back to the team, though. Our match starts soon."

Noya stood up and Asahi wished for everyone else to disappear so he could continue to sulk with him on the floor, ignoring the world and all his devastating problems. He didn't want to play a match against opponents who would taunt him with lyrics he had written with love. He didn't want to hear how other people made fun of his feelings just because they didn't agree with them.

"Asahi", Noya's hand stretched out to him. " _Inhale_."

"Inhale", he echoed and grabbed his palm with a deep breath.


	24. Kenma - picture-perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kenma draws his perfect picture.

Harada Ryōta's dark, understanding eyes looked at him through round glasses with a thick, brown frame. He was wearing a well-tailored suit and a bright blue tie. Not a single fold in sight. His hair was slick and combed back, black and shiny. He had crossed his legs and was scribbling on his clipboard during their whole conversation. Everything about this man was trustworthy and welcoming, even his office smelled homey. A perfect blend of cinnamon coffee and Xiang Do lotus incense sticks.

Still, Kenma felt uncomfortable. He was sitting in the comfiest armchair he had ever encountered but he was shifting restlessly in his seat, folding his hands only to then rub them over his thighs while his feet tapped the floor in an unsteady rhythm. His parents had made sure to send him to one of the best, so it was Harada Ryōta, one of the top adolescent psychologists Tokyo's, who had to listen to his story. Except that Kenma's story wasn't really a story but tangled phrases put together, desperately trying to make sense. He didn't know how he should explain his problems to an expert if he didn't understand them himself.

However, Harada didn't want a comprehensive biography at all. He asked him about school, about volleyball and his friends and when he noticed how Kenma tried to avoid talking about the team and especially Kuro, he directed the conversation back to his hobbies, so somehow, they had been talking about videogames for about 20 minutes now and Kenma was soon to forget where he was.

"There is only one game I started I haven't beaten yet and that's only because it's technically not mine but Tora's - uh, a friend of mine -, it's called _Thunderstep_."

"What is it about?"

Kenma's muscles relaxed when he dove into an intricate description of the game. Talking about how the protagonist had to jump up a mountain in a single try while each stage became more difficult until lightning demons attacked and made it almost impossible to climb any further.

"So, once you do one wrong step you start from the beginning?", Harada asked interestedly.

"Exactly! It's kind of frustrating but also challenging. You get used to the pattern of the enemies quickly, so each try you can progress further, though."

"As one might say, you are _failing forward_ in this game?"

"Uh, technically, yes. But the best-case scenario is you don't fail at all."

"Hm. Do you think that's possible? Given you have spent some hours with this game already?"

Kenma stopped to think. He was a way better player than Tora because Tora always got so heated when playing but even with pure logic it was difficult to get the controls right from the beginning, especially if you didn't know what one awaited further into the game.

"No. I think almost no one can beat it first try."

"Luckily you can just try again."

"Yeah. That's the fun."

"Too bad that doesn't work in real life, hm?", it was an almost casual question but Kenma caught onto it immediately. He bit his lip and his body became stiff. Only talking about videogames would have been too good to be real, after all.

"Hm", he mumbled.

"Except it does."

"No", Kenma's answer came as quick as a shot. "If you mess up, that's it."

"Is that what happened? Did you mess up?"

Kenma thought of all the talks with Kuro he had had since he had found out about his relationship with Yaku and frowned. Each attempt to get through him had been a disaster in its own, somehow Kenma had messed up repeatedly, not able to talk true about his feelings and yet here he was. Because Kuro had come back and dragged him towards his parents instead of leaving him behind.

"I messed up with my best friend but he is an exception. He would always come back and try to fix things because that's just how he is. The rest of the team, though...I'm pretty sure they hate me by now."

"Why?"

Kenma flinched. What kind of question was that? Wasn't it obvious? His cat-like eyes narrowed at the psychologist in front of him. The man held his genuine, interested expression, his lips tugging into a gentle smile. Kenma inhaled another breath of the cozy scented air in the office and sighed. He wasn't sure what kind of exercise this was supposed to be but this was just outright humiliating. His fingers dug into his thighs.

"Because I left the team with the most dramatic exit possible. Because I gave a shit about team play and let my own feelings come in the way while everybody was trying so hard. I'm just the brick around their feet dragging them down. It's just...how it always has been."

"So your team always just accepted you in their middle despite you being ballast to them?"

"They accepted me because of Kuro", Kenma averted his eyes and stared at his knees. "Kuro brought me along. After a while, I thought I would fit but turns out I was wrong."

Harada didn't say anything and it took Kenma by surprise. He expected more questions, digging deeper to find out what was bothering him - after all, wasn't this how a therapy session was supposed to go? When he raised his chin, the man was writing something down and then put his clipboard aside to pour himself some more coffee. Kenma had his own cup of tea sitting in front of him but he hadn't touched it. The silence dragged out between them but it wasn't uncomfortable, yet it made him wonder. Kenma felt bad for being quiet. As if he was making a mistake, as if he was being rude.

"They always say I'm the brain of Nekoma. They put me on the spot and play in a way I can keep up. They designed me to be different", his hands balled to fists. Frustration broke in his chest. "No, that's not true. I've always been different. But they accept it so I can't blend in anymore."

"Is that what you want? Blending in?"

"Yes", Kenma nodded vigorously.

He wanted nothing more than to be just one of many. Not Nekoma's setter prince. Not their brain. He wished nobody would ever pay him any mind when walking to school or sitting on the train. Sometimes all he wanted was to disappear without anybody noticing. He wanted to be part of a group that went out together and laugh in the same way they did, find joy in the same things - but it was wishful thinking. He couldn't blend in like Inouka or entertain the team like Tora.

"In a perfect world, where you are just one of many, what would you do? How would a day in your life look like in, let's say five years?"

A deep furrow appeared between Kenma's brows. He tried to depict himself in five years and the image of him and Kuro at university immediately popped into his head. They still were looking the same, only the surroundings were different. Kenma was listening to Kuro rambling about volleyball because even in this vision, Kuro was wearing a Nekoma jersey even though it made no sense. And he put his arm around his shoulder while showing him the campus, while Kenma leaned towards him, hiding behind his phone but feeling him close.

"I'm in college", Kenma said, dragging the words out longer than necessary. "Probably studying game design or something. And I'm with some friends and a girlfriend at lunch. After classes, we go out to a bar or...yeah."

Harada sat up in his chair and rested his elbows on his knees before lacing his fingers together. He simply watched him through his thick glasses but Kenma noticed the hint of a smile in the corner of his lips. Even without meeting his gaze, he knew he had seen through his weak fabrication of a future he never wanted to have. Still, he didn't correct himself and looked the other way.

"Interesting", was all Harada finally said. "A perfect picture."

"Yes", Kenma nodded but there was a mix of guilt and embarrassment tumbling in his stomach.

"Our time for this week is up but I'm gonna give you some homework to think about, Kozume-kun. Whenever you feel like it and don't force yourself, of course. Think about this perfect picture and how it makes you feel and then draw one that is imperfect, even though it might be embarrassing. And see how you feel in the end. Can you do that for me?"

"I don't know. I guess."

"So, one of you how society would like you best. Then one of you how you would like yourself best."

"Okay", Kenma said but he already didn't know how he should do that. It sounded complicated.

***********

Kenma stared at his English vocabularies and nibbled on his pen, lost in thought. He was sitting on his desk, the curtains partially closed to the afternoon sun couldn't blind him and Kurocat was sleeping on the windowsill. He couldn't focus on his homework at all and one of the reasons was Kuro, who had insisted on coming over after his therapy session to hear all the details - Kenma had told him nothing so far but that didn't make him less persistent. Since Kuro was suspended, he had more than enough time to bother Kenma. Right now he was playing Monster Hunter on his Playstation without sound so he could focus on his homework but Kenma was still distracted by his frustrated moans whenever he messed up in game and the way he smashed the buttons frantically.

"Oi, have you seen the video of Karasuno's ace? Tora sent it to me."

"I'm doing homework, Kuro."

"No, you're not. You have been staring at that piece of paper for an hour now."

"Because you're distracting me."

"Am I?", he almost sounded proud but Kenma shot him a glare.

"Don't flatter yourself. You're too loud."

He took another attempt at translating the vocabularies when Kuro's phone was thrown right into his lap. Kenma only just reached it before it could fall to the floor. He sent another death glare his way and then pressed play on the video. It showed Azumane, the one who had walked in on Kenma having a breakdown, at night leaning against a guardrail and playing the guitar.

_Am I allowed to look at him like that?  
Could it be wrong  
When he's just so nice to look at?_

His voice was husky and tender, like caramel dripping on soft ice cream and Kenma found himself blushing while listening to the lyrics because he remembered how Azumane and Karasuno's libero had pulled each other into a hug and kissed right in front of him. He also remembered how he had yelled at them for no reason and probably made them feel awful. Kenma bit his lip as the song went on and the way Azumane's face softened was mesmerizing. Kenma had no doubt it was Nishinoya he was singing about and again he recalled how their eyes had been locked, glistening with love, so honest it almost made him sick.

_And he...  
Means everything to me_

"Wow", was all he managed to get out before he put the phone away. "Pretty brave of him to post a song like that."

"He didn't post it. Someone else did", Kuro shrugged.

"Someone...else?", Kenma's heart almost skipped a beat as he turned around in his chair and stared at his best friend reproachfully. Kuro arched an eyebrow at his face.

"Not me, duh."

"But someone did. Without his permission. That's awful."

"Uh...I guess? I mean, he sounds great, though. No big deal."

"He sings about another boy. People will laugh at him."

"Then they suck."

"Yeah, that's what people do. They suck", Kenma wasn't sure why he was suddenly feeling so angry. He hadn't been better, after all. He had yelled at Azumane and Nishinoya and even called them disgusting. He hadn't meant it that way but they didn't know that. And now Azumane was being exposed to everyone on the internet, even though he had done nothing wrong. "I should apologize."

"Did _you_ upload the video?"

"No, idiot. But Azumane and Nishinoya, their libero, walked in on me in the bathroom and made out. And I was having a...uh, moment, so I yelled at them."

"Oh, the song is about Nishinoya-san?", Kuro grinned, again totally missing the point.

Kenma threw his phone back at him, aiming for his head but Kuro's reflexes were too fast and he caught it out of the air before plopping down on his mattress again: "Do you even listen? I was awful to them. I should...text them or something. I'm gonna ask Shōyō for their number."

"Look at you reaching out to people. Therapy working wonders, I see?"

"Shut up. It has nothing to do with therapy", Kenma mumbled and sent a message to Shōyō. He wasn't even sure why he was doing it. He only knew Azumane was probably feeling awful and he owed him an apology. Maybe if he told him he was sorry, he would feel less alone. "How horrible would you feel if someone did that to you?"

Finally, Kenma gave up on his homework and pushed the tasks away, grabbing for another fresh sheet of paper instead, where he started to randomly doodle to keep his hands busy. He wondered how the rest of Nekoma would react if they found out about Kuro and Yaku. If they would even dare to comment on their relationship because Kuro was their captain and Yaku was...well, intimidating. But he realized he couldn't tell, even though he knew his team quite well. They had never talked about such stuff - or rather, there had been conversations about dating and sex but Kenma had never participated in them because it made him anxious.

"Do you think you could be in a relationship with a boy?", the question came out of nowhere and slipped through his filter without any warning so Kenma could do nothing but biting his tongue, cursing internally.

"Are you really asking me this after all the Yaku-discussions we had?"

"But you said you were only having sex. I'm talking about a real relationship."

"And what is a real relationship, Dr. Love?"

"Shut up", Kenma groaned but then he started to think. "Hanging out together. Bringing each other snacks when one of you feels down. Watching movies you don't like because it makes your partner smile. Talking nonsense and world-changing stuff late at night. Sharing...", his thoughts trailed off and his doodles switched into something more serious. He turned the paper around and started sketching on its back, recalling what Harada had said to him.

Maybe the task wasn't so abstract after all. Maybe he had been looking at it wrong. An imperfect picture, away from heteronormativity and everything that appeased the ordinary majority. Not blending in anymore but still the happiest he had ever been. His pencil danced over the paper, casting shadows and outlines of Kenma's perfectly imperfect picture. His glance darted over to Kuro, who was looking at him in silence, the obsidian eyes staring his way but also not really seeing him. He was absorbed in his thoughts as well. It was easy to steal another look. To observe the curve of his upper lip and how his nostrils flared when he was breathing, how his messy hair tickled his temple.

Kenma loved these moments. When they were both in the same room, the same orbit, but on another planet, contemplating life or gaming strategies or just enjoying the way the sun shined through the window. The pencil picked up speed, jittering with the excitement of his shaking hand.

"Yes", Kuro answered after a while when Kenma had almost forgotten he had asked him something. With a content smile, Kenma leaned back in his seat and looked at his drawing. It was bittersweet. He had always known it. Deep inside, he had always known this was his future, the one that would put him on the spot and force him to face obstacles, stares and everything that was wrong with humankind, yet it was his safe haven.

He got up from his desk and approached his best friend, who slid to the edge of the bed, reaching out his hand as he had done so many times before but this time it was different. Kenma grabbed it softly and brushed over his palm with trembling fingertips. Kuro's lips tugged into a smile so silken it made Kenma's heart ache. He kissed the back of his hand like the damn knight he was - he always had been, protecting Kenma from every danger and every hardship he ever encountered and Kenma couldn't help but laugh.

It was an odd sound, a laugh admitting all the feelings he had buried for so long for no reason. Exposing him and causing him to blush but Kuro didn't care. He never had. They sat on the bed together and Kenma grabbed for the second controller of his Playstation. Kuro unpaused the game and leaned towards him, their shoulders brushing against each other as they continued their journey of slaying monsters together.

The afternoon sun had reached his desk despite the curtains being partially closed and bathed the portrait of Kuro he had sketched in bright and golden light.


	25. Oikawa - honest serves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the pretty setters fight.

He checked his phone for the tenth time since they had entered the club room. Still no message from Suga. Oikawa tried to gloss over his insecurity by balancing a volleyball on his finger while Iwaizumi packed the rest of his clothes. They were the last ones to leave the school grounds, as usual. In his bag, hidden underneath a bunch of sweaty clothes, was a recording of Karasuno's match versus Date Tech from earlier today. He hadn't expected them to win against Date Tech. It had been a mess and they just had won barely and their ace hadn't even played all sets. Apparently, the revelation of him being a rock star had thrown him off. Oikawa grinned to himself. He could only imagine the mockery going on on the court. Date Tech's Futakuchi was one of a kind. Snarky little bastard. He always hit where it hurt.

"Don't pull an all-nighter. We need you on top of your game", Iwaizumi's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He shot him a smile and raised his finger's to a victory sign before closing his bag and shouldering it. Another glance at his phone wouldn't hurt. It was unusual for Suga to not respond, especially this late at night.

"Hope you don't go easy on him tomorrow."

"Iwa-chan, I would never", he giggled. "Suga knows I've no mercy on the court."

"Good", his best friend sounded pissed as usual and Oikawa used the opportunity to wrap an arm around his shoulder, pushing him out of the clubroom so he could lock the door behind them. Oikawa wrote another text to Suga, this time just a bunch of annoyed question marks. There were few things he hated more than being ignored. And he knew Suga was reading these messages, which made him even more restless.

"Don't tell me you actually have a soft spot for him."

" _Eh_? Nah, I'm just waiting for my daily dose of sexting", Oikawa stuck out his tongue at Iwaizumi, who pulled a face which showed those were more information he had ever wanted.

"Sure, that's why you blush whenever you get a text from him."

"I don't! I never blush!"

"It's always the same with you", Seijoh's ace rolled his eyes at him, a gesture that always aggravated Oikawa. He hated it and Iwaizumi knew it. "I told him not to fall for you, by the way."

"Why would you tell him that?! You're such a meanie, Iwa-chan."

"It was too late anyway", he shrugged.

"Ha! I knew it. He is totally in love with me, right?"

"I guess", another twitch of his broad shoulders before Iwaizumi started walking down the stairs, Oikawa following on his heels, the phone still clutched in his hand but there were no new alerts. "So if you wanna break his heart do it during the game. That could help us immensely."

"Pfft, I don't need to play dirty. I'll crush Karasuno anyway."

Iwaizumi raised a brow at him.

" _We_. We will crush Karasuno anyway", Oikawa corrected himself and rubbed his neck in a twinge of regret. "Besides, I actually kinda like him. I wanna keep him around for a while."

"Play cool all you want, I know you have a crush on him."

"I don't! I could end it here and now if I wanted. But I don't", he waved his phone around in front of Iwaizumi's face, who looked like he was about to snap but Oikawa knew better and made a jump backwards just in case - no need to stay in Iwaizumi's melee range. "Because I'm waiting for some lewd sexting."

"Sure", a smug grin tugged at the corner of Iwaizumi's lips before he continued his way home. Oikawa hurried to keep up with him and send another text to Suga which got no response.

Why wasn't he answering? Was he mad? Had he done something wrong? Insecurity crept his way under his skin, a feeling he was all too familiar with and which he hated more than anything else. Pouting, he pushed the phone deep into his pocket and stomped after Iwaizumi.

***********

Oikawa Tōru didn't fall in love. He took a liking to certain people, approached them, got whatever he wanted and then dropped them before he could get too attached. Both girls and boys were easy to charm with his natural charisma and his good looks - almost too easy. It got boring quickly. Which was why he never kept the same person around for long. They came for the Great King and the Great King was what they got. Now onto the next one. Suga was already past the time of breakup. A dangerous zone Oikawa usually maneuvred around but with Suga, it was different anyway. Their whole start had been different from every other crush he had had so far. Oikawa had wanted to toy with him - he didn't expect Suga to be a match for him yet Karasuno's second-best had surprised him.

Instead of pushing him away, which would've been the smarter strategy, he had led him into his life and to top the poor performance he had had a breakdown in front of him. But it had proved how different Suga was from everybody else because he hadn't made fun of him, he had actually taken his time to comfort him. A weird feeling. In Oikawa's life was no room for weakness. However, Suga made it so pleasant to be weak. Goosebumps skittered down his spine when he thought of his flawless face with the seductive little mole right next to his eye and the sharp tone he could adopt whenever Oikawa teased the right spots. Suga was something else. He wasn't sure what to make of him by now but he would find out. That meant if Suga actually decided to answer him, for fuck's sake.

Oikawa was pacing back and forth through the corridor, close to the spot where his team had settled. Everybody was having a quick breakfast or discussing tactics. Their game against Karasuno would start soon. Still no message from him. He shouldn't be bothered that much but he couldn't help it. Oikawa could feel his concentration slipping. He needed to be on top of his game to put Tobio in his place but how should he do so when Suga fucking ghosted him?!

Inside, Oikawa was crumbling. On the outside, he turned to his team and gave the nervous first-years a thumbs-up decorated with a winning smile. Maybe he could catch him before their match started to clear the air. Suga wouldn't be mad at him, right? There was literally no reason. Or maybe his stupid captain-friend had planted something in his mind. How Oikawa was an obnoxious person. Well, he could be but Suga was into that.

"I'll be right back!", he waved towards his team and before Iwaizumi could stop him, he rushed down the hallway. He knew where Karasuno had stored their stuff and even though warm-up would start in about ten minutes, Oikawa sprinted to the first floor and only slowed down when he saw a flock of crows getting ready. He pressed himself against the wall and peeked around the corner. Although he would gladly take his time to bother Tobio, he needed to focus.

Suga and Sawamura were sitting on the floor and both of them looked on edge. Actually, almost the whole of Karasuno did. A sight which amused Oikawa beyond all measure. He cleared his throat before he sent a stage whisper towards Suga: "Suga-chan! Over here!" He might be hiding around the corner, yet he waved his hand dramatically to gain his attention. Half of Karasuno followed his voice and stared at him and a shadow cast over their faces. Oikawa bit his lip. It was fun to have such an impact on people. They would pee their pants on the court against them.

Suga actually got up and paced towards him, though his steps were firmer than usual and there was no nervous flicker in his brown-speckled eyes. No, it was more of a burning gaze. Oikawa wanted to lean in for a kiss but Suga grabbed him by his jersey and pulled him away from the rest of the team before pushing him against the wall. Immediately, heat rushed into his chest. A bossy Suga was always a treat. Oikawa bit his lip and grinned in anticipation but Suga brought him back to earth real quick.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!", he hissed at him, jabbing a finger into his chest.

"I'm missing you, Suga-chan. You didn't respond so I thought I drop by before-"

"Oh, cut the crap, Oikawa! I know what you did!"

Oikawa tilted his head and blinked. But even after closing his eyes, the angry mask that was Suga's face right now wouldn't disappear. He was furious and not in a sexy way. It almost made him squirm. Then Oikawa realized he had done nothing wrong and put on his purest puppy eyes: "What do you mean?"

"The video", Suga whispered and came a step closer so he had to toss his head to be able to look into his eyes. He was not affected by his innocent look at all. "The video of Asahi you stole and sent around."

Oikawa was baffled. This was what all the fuss was about? That weird video of Azumane singing a cheesy lovesong about their libero? "That wasn't me, Suga-chan."

"Yeah", a laugh escaped Suga's throat but it was bleak and caused a chill at the back of his mind. "You messed with our phones at the karaoke bar. We all saw that."

"Suga-chan, I swear-"

" _Don't_ call me that. I told you to only use this damn name if you mean it, which you obviously don't because you used the first chance with my friends to betray them."

"I did not", Oikawa flinched at the accusations and clenched his teeth. "I told you I was looking at the time. I don't care about your friend's little concert."

"Then why were you so interested in Asahi and Nishinoya being a thing, huh?"

" _Because_ ", his voice snapped but it was Suga's fault. He had forced him into a corner, out of nowhere with unfounded accusations and Oikawa felt the urge to defend himself. "I was there to get to know your friends. So, of course, I asked about them."

"Please, you weren't interested in making friends. You were mocking Daichi non-stop."

"Not my fault he is so easy to be fooled with", Oikawa pouted.

"Seriously, what is wrong with you?!", Suga scrubbed a hand across his face as if he wanted to get rid of his sight. "I can't believe I fell for your stupid charade. Don't ever hurt my friends again."

"I won't!"

"Ah, so you admit it was you?"

"No!", Oikawa raised his hand in frustration and smashed a fist against the wall behind him. Suga wasn't impressed, he crossed his arms and stared him down. "I didn't do it. For fuck's sake, what do you want me to say, Suga-ch-", he stopped mid-sentence when he realized he was about to use the nickname again and bit the tip of his tongue.

"The truth. The truth is what I want you to say for once, Oikawa."

"What do you mean _for once_ , I've been more honest with you than I've been with anyone else!", now he really started to get to him. Who did he think he was? Oikawa had given him all - from the secret of those dumb pills to his true feelings and he didn't acknowledge it at all! Just because some stupid video of his stupid friend was going around. Seriously, who cared about an internet prank? He wanted to grab Suga's shoulders and shake him until he accepted the truth but instead, he knotted the hem of his jersey in his sweating palm.

"Oh, I know", Suga nodded and their argument had attracted some of his friends - Karasuno's libero and captain were standing just around the corner and seemed ready to interject any second now. "You've been honest during that night, huh? About how Aoba Johsai is gonna crush Karasuno?"

"Yes", Oikawa nodded. It was the truth, after all. How could Suga not see that? His team was way weaker than theirs. Seijoh was a unit, Karasuno hadn't evolved from being flightless crows.

"I can't believe you."

"What do you want me to say? That you will be just fine? It would be a lie."

"It would be _nice_ , Oikawa. To say you are gonna wipe away my tears after a loss is _humiliating_."

"Oh", Seijoh's captain took a moment to consider his words but the anger inside him was still warring and burning through his stomach. "Well, make up your mind then. Do you want honest or nice?"

"You're such an asshole."

"At your service", Oikawa took a mocking bow, first towards Suga then towards the other two gaping at them. If Suga didn't want to believe him, fine. He couldn't waste any more time. Their match was about to start and he had no plans to lose. He brushed past him and avoided the last gaze into his eyes because he was pretty sure Suga was tearing up. Oikawa granted another one of his well-studied smiles at Karasuno when he walked past them as if he hadn't been bothered by their conversation at all. Once he was out of sight, his smile fell. His heart sank.

_Not now. Don't let him get to you. You have to focus. Screw him. This is about all you worked for._

A wave of panic crashed over him but Oikawa ground his teeth until his jaw ached. His body felt stiff and heavy - not what he needed right now. When he arrived, Aoba Johsai was on their way into the gym already. He trailed behind them, a shadow on his face until Iwaizumi punched his upper arm. Oikawa put on his brightest smile, an easy task after years of hiding behind it but it wasn't good enough for Iwaizumi. He would always see through it. The smile turned into a pathetic grimace and Oikawa looked the other way.

"Forget him. We need you", Iwaizumi murmured and squeezed his shoulder as they entered the hall. Oikawa straightened his back and nodded. He couldn't let his team down. Not for him. Suga didn't matter. Never should've mattered, anyway. Just another boy, the voice inside his head whispered but it didn't sound convincing at all.

During their warm-ups, the world was a blur. Oikawa shut them all out. The spectators, Karasuno, even their coaches. The only people that mattered were the mates he set for. Observing how they were feeling, asking them about his sets and focusing on being the one they needed to win. There was no need to look beyond Aoba Johsai. It didn't matter if they were playing Karasuno or someone else. They had to win regardless, otherwise, they would never beat Shiratorizawa.

When the game was about to begin, Oikawa shook his hand to relax and get rid of the knot of anxiety in his chest. He was about to serve and he planned to do so with a bang to put them in their place. How dared they thinking they stood a chance against Seijoh?

"Alright", he said, trying to keep up a cheerful tone. "I believe in all of you."

He turned around to look at his teammates, each of them eager to play, each of them in peak form. No, Oikawa wasn't worried at all. There were a lot of emotions crashing painfully in his chest right now but worry was none of them. They smiled at him. Nodded. And Oikawa wiped away the image of a brokenhearted Suga when he spun the ball between his hands, waiting for the whistle.

He tossed the ball in the air and chased after it like he had done hundreds of times before. Blood pounding in his ears, drowning out the cheers echoing through the hall. The audience had never mattered. This was his purpose. Volleyball was. Not a dream or a passion - passion meant he wouldn't have to work for it yet he had spent so many hours, so much sweat and tears for this.

The ball was like a cannon shot and it crashed into Karasuno's court just between their captain and their libero. Nobody was able to go after it, hell it scored before Oikawa landed on the floor again. Through all the cheers he heard Iwaizumi yell. His best friends raised his fist and he mimicked his posture, a grin showing in the corner of his lip. Not enough to be counted as sincere but it didn't matter. This was just the first step. No time for celebration yet.

Oikawa let the ball spin between his hands once more. His breathing was steady now, their argument from before almost forgotten. Still, he couldn't resist a gaze. His eyes darted across the court to the sidelines, where Suga was standing. Like the rest of Karasuno, he was shocked by his serve and terrified of another one. The grin on his face got wider.

_Yes. Be shocked. Be scared. You stand no chance against us._

He jumped a second time and his body bent backwards in a perfect angle. When he swung his arm forward he knew his emotions had gotten the worst of him. The look towards Suga had been a mistake. His heartbeat and his hit were slightly off, not as precise but even more powerful than the first one. Another jump serve Karasuno couldn't get. It came down just inches away from the end line.

A spike of adrenaline stirred through his nerves.

"Oi, you're allowed to move on the court, you know?", he shouted at Karasuno in a mocking tone that made them flinch. They tensed under his gaze and Oikawa's heart thudded heavily in his chest. Oh, they were so afraid. As if they just realized who they were playing against. He would show them what he had worked for and put Tobio in his place.


	26. Asahi - confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Asahi loses his music.
> 
> content notes: underage sexual content, referenced homophobia

Asahi stood quietly at the slope leading into the forest, his favourite spot, hands in his pockets and contemplating the starry sky. In his mind's eye, their last matches flashed past him. Starting with their match against Date Tech, where Futakuchi had left no chance to mock him through the net. He had tried not to care, he really had. But the snarky commentary on top of their insanely strong blocks had built up so much frustration that Ukai-san had decided to substitute him for the latter half of the second set. It had been humiliating. Asahi wished once more he could be more like Noya, who didn't care what other people think at all. At least when it came to this.

He lowered his head to catch a glimpse of Noya, who was sitting in the grass, his Karasuno jacket hanging around his shoulders. He plucked the green culms with trembling fingertips, still shaken up from their loss against Aoba Johsai today. Yes, the other game he had totally let his team down.

25 - 15

25 - 21

Oikawa had kept his promise. Aoba Johsai had crushed them and Asahi knew it was partially his fault. He hadn't been focusing on the game - the chaos in his mind had been too roaring loud. Noya hadn't blamed him but he knew he was feeling it too. Asahi heaved a sigh while staring at his back and didn't know how to approach him. Ukai-san had invited them to lunch after the match and then everybody had just gone their way. Even though he had been stuffed with good food, he had offered Noya to run up the mountain with him but Noya's energy had vanished so they had found themselves strolling towards his sacred place near the forest.

He wanted to comfort him. Wanted to hug him and tell him they would be okay next time. But Asahi wasn't particularly hopeful for the next time, either. If he didn't get his act together, he would keep being ballast dragging Karasuno down. He rubbed one palm across his face and tried a few calming breaths before he came nearer towards Noya and sat behind him in the grass.

Asahi's legs fell open to place them left and right from Noya's body and he slid closer until Noya's back touched his chest. Part of his brain kept getting stuck on an apology as if he owed Karasuno's libero one for his lousy performance during the game but then he just kept silent and planted his chin in Noya's hair. After a while, Noya relaxed underneath his touch and leaned back against him and their point of contact was a zip of warmth in the chill night. Asahi wrapped his arms around him and folded them on Noya's flat stomach. The jacket slipped between them and released a view of Noya's slender neck. He watched how goosebumps travelled from the nape of his neck under his shirt and Asahi hugged him tighter.

"We have to do so much more", Noya sniffled while plucking out more grass stalks and throwing them away in frustration. Asahi tilted his head to place a kiss on his hair in approval. He was grateful Noya didn't mention his poor game right now. They both were feeling pretty beaten and neither of them wanted to pass the blame around. The "we" was a compromise.

Silence fell over them and Asahi closed his eyes to listen to Noya's steady breathing and the wind rustling through the trees. Two harmonies merging into one and sending shivers down his spine. His thumb described little circles on Noya's stomach and he could hear how the breathing became more rapid, changing up the melody. It was easy to hear music in everything Noya did because he was such a loud and thunderous personality, however, it was the quiet noises that mesmerized him. The way his breathing changed into sharper bursts as Asahi's thumb travelled further down and rubbed over the waistband of his shorts, how a hushed sigh escaped his lips when Asahi kissed the sensitive skin of his neck and collarbone.

"Could you sing for me again?", Noya's voice was shaky and Asahi relished the idea that it was caused by his touch.

"I don't feel like singing", he admitted after a long pause and nuzzled his face into Noya's neck.

"Because of the video?"

"Mhh", Asahi didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to focus on Noya's music, his breaths, his dreamy sighs and his shy voice. Not on the song that had brought him so much misery - misery didn't belong in their relationship. And Asahi had made his peace with the fact he wouldn't be able to sing the song for quite some time anymore. "It just doesn't feel private anymore."

"Oh", Noya sounded disappointed. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault", alone in his room, brooding about the day, he wouldn't be able to brush these thoughts aside but out here under the starry night sky with Noya, it was much simpler. Asahi's chest heaved up and down, pulling against Noya's back and his big palms skimmed over his stomach again, hugging him tightly. Noya's hands encased his arms.

"Did it ruin music for you?", there was an alluring tremble in Noya's voice and Asahi wasn't sure if he did it on purpose or if he was insecure for the first time they were spending time alone with each other. It was a weird shift in their dynamic. Noya, the stormy boy who dragged him along to any infamous action, now suddenly engulfed in hesitation. Like a rumble of thunder far away, not sure if it should blast across the valley.

"No", Asahi answered although he wasn't sure if he was saying the truth right now, he didn't want to upset Noya. "I still like the music you make."

"I don't make music", Noya glanced back over his shoulder in confusion.

"Yes, you do", Asahi's nose playfully nudged against his neck. Then he buried his teeth in his earlobe, causing Noya to wince before the surprise switched into a puffed moan. Heat flushed in the centre of his body and Asahi tightened his grip around Noya. One of his broad palms fluttered over Noya's thigh and suddenly the libero twitched in his arms and placed his hands around his neck, dragging him down to his mouth.

They sank into a deep and musing kiss, the taste of their loss still prickling on their tongues yet their lips spread into a smile. It was their first smile after a day of failure and trouble and it was powerful enough to wipe the grim memories away. Noya's head bent backwards so his tongue could reach Asahi's lips better and he shifted in his arms and slung one leg over Asahi's thigh to get more comfortable. He still felt so cautious between him, not the Noya who usually bounced around him, a neverending well of energy. Their loss must really fret him.

Although a vulnerable Nishinoya in his arms was worrying him, it also was a captivating sight to behold. Asahi straightened his back to take in every bit of his face, his fingertips painting along Noya's brow and cheekbones to the smooth dip of his upper lip and down his chin. When they ghosted over his throat, Noya bit his lip and sent a desirous glance his way. There was not much hesitation left in him, so Asahi followed his invitation and they kissed again, less slow this time, with both their bodies shaking and desperate for the other one's touch.

Noya's body pressing against his chest and lap created a dizzying lightness in his head and a heavy pull in his lower body; soon it was Asahi gasping for air and Noya who chased after his lips, one hand in his neck to keep him down and close enough so his tongue could brush over his mouth. Suddenly everything felt intense, from the teeth burying in his lower lip to Noya's honey-brown eyes locking him in their sight. Asahi's hand stroked over his thigh, feeling for his muscles underneath the thick fabric of his shorts. His grip got firmer and Noya flinched when he accidentally caught one of the bruises he had gotten during their game today. Instinctively, Asahi wanted to back up but Noya's hand was placed on top of his and nudged him past the bruise to the inner side of his thighs.

He held his breath. Noya's music was drowned out by the blood pounding in his ears as the smaller one guided his hand upward, following his thighs until the temperature got way hotter and Asahi's hand got pushed between his legs. His mouth got dry. Noya was hard and he could feel him pressing against his palm, everything of him, despite the layers of fabric.

"Asahi", Noya moaned into his ear and it was the most sensual sound he had ever heard, pulling him into a rush, away from the starry sky and the forest ground, into the eye of his storm. Electricity sparking down his spine, Asahi moved his hand carefully along his hard length but when he listened to his needy moans, his grasp became firmer, his movement steadier. Noya was melting on his lap, sinking into his chest and stealing Asahi's breath away. His fingers twitched, desperately looking for something to hold onto and finally found the hem of Asahi's shirt. He leaned forward so he could watch how Noya's hips jolted upwards in a rocky rhythm, trying to sync up with his hand but failing miserably. Asahi pressed his lips against his ear, humming softly as if he could calm him down but his breath brushing against Noya's ear seemed to have the opposite effect.

"Asahi", again he sighed his name into the night sky and again it was a sound like no other, one he never wanted to forget and one that sparked a fire in his chest. But there was something he needed more than sounds of pleasure and that was a peek into his face, he wanted to see how he made him twitch and shudder under his touch. Asahi raised his other hand to nudge Noya's face to the side, so he could finally catch another glimpse of his perfect face.

His eyes were hazy, his pupils dilated but still a pool of honey basking in the milky moonlight shining down on them in the middle of their secret spot. Asahi could see the tempting red colour blossoming on Noya's cheeks when his lips parted for another sensual sigh. His own lips tugged into a smile - he couldn't help it, even if it might be inappropriate, the sight of Noya softening in his arms, trusting him so much he would let him lead, made his heartbeat fall out of rhythm, too.

Their intimate, quiet moment shifted when Noya's hips thrust forward into his hand and the honey-brown eyes fluttered shut. Suddenly the muscles in Noya's jaw flexed, his thighs were clutching Asahi's hand tight to the point where he almost couldn't move it anymore.

"Oh, fuck", the panted curse was replaced by another gasp and seconds later the fabric beneath his fingers got slightly wet and sticky. Noya's legs still pressed him into his lap but he could sense the muscles trembling and finally, relaxing. Noya tried to catch his breath and he rested heavily in Asahi's arms, completely overwhelmed by his emotions. Slowly, Asahi retreated his hand and brushed it off on the grass before he kissed his neck. Noya tried to dodge out of the way, still too sensitive from his climax to be touched, but he failed. He surrendered and fell back into his arms.

"S-Sorry", there was shame simmering under his skin, Asahi saw it in the way the heat crept up his neck. Karasuno's ace wasn't sure what Noya was sorry for, so he waited in silence for an explanation, which made the other one squirm in his hug. When the clarification came, it was mumbled hastily and caused Noya's cheek to flush. "F-For being s-so quick."

"I didn't stop the time", he answered and placed a bunch of kisses on Noya's hair to reassure him everything was fine. It had merely lasted a minute but Asahi had loved every second of it. He couldn't care less how long Noya was able to hold back. As long as he enjoyed it, it could be five seconds or five hours. Who cared? And because Noya's muscles were all tensed up, he said it out loud: "It's fine. I don't care. You are so beautiful."

"Shh", Noya hid his face behind his hands. "What are you talking about, Asahi?!"

"About you. Being beautiful when you let yourself go."

"Oh my- _stop_! Remember, we are bad with words!"

"I am!"

"No, you're saying cute stuff, stop it, that's so embarrassing!"

His heart was thudding wildly in his chest but he was riding on a wave of euphoria caused by Noya losing his mind in his arms just seconds ago - if he could let himself go, why should Asahi hold back any longer? So he couldn't resist, he looked into the face he adored so much and said: "I love you."

Noya's eyes widened and the flushed cheeks became pale under his gaze.

"I- I'm so sorry", he blurted out and it was as if a bucket of ice water gushed into Asahi's stomach.

No way. How could he be so stupid? Had he misread everything between them? Noya slid down from his lap and raised one hand to cover his mouth, staring at him in sheer shock. The sight caused a knot of anxiety in Asahi's chest. Their intimacy was gone, Noya trembling in his arms suddenly felt months away. On top of all, Karasuno's libero was tearing up. Asahi was freaking out. What the hell was going on?

"I didn't- I- I'm sorry", there was a desperate stutter in Asahi's voice and heartbeat. He wished he could take it back. He had ruined their moment. It had been too soon, he should've known-

"No, Asahi, I-", Noya's voice was on the verge of breaking. "I sent the video around. I'm so sorry."

"What?", the muscles in his body went taut. This made no sense. Silence stretched out between them while Asahi tried to comprehend Noya's confession, only interrupted by dry sobs leaving the smaller one's throat. He got up to his feet and Asahi followed, his movement almost machinelike.

"Your singing is amazing and y-you wouldn't see that, so I thought if I showed it to a lot of people and you would hear how m-many of them loved it, you would feel more comfortable in sharing your m-music", tears streamed down his cheeks but Asahi couldn't feel for him right now.

"You shared the video? And you let Oikawa take the blame?"

"I'm sorry! I wanted to come clean but you guys were so convinced it was him and-"

"And you decided to just roll with it?"

"Asahi, please, I wanted to tell you! I never thought it would backfire this much."

"Noya, why?", Asahi took a step backwards which caused Noya to immediately follow him but he held out an arm towards him; he couldn't even stand watching him right now. Asahi stared towards the forest, waiting for the noise in his head to quiet down. "I told you multiple times I don't want to sing in front of an audience."

"But it's such a waste. They loved your voice."

"They mocked me for singing a love song about a guy", his voice was shaking with anger but it was quickly weighing down with bare sorrow. "How could you be such a hypocrite, asking me to keep our relationship a secret because you're scared what people will think and then out me through a video for literally everyone to see?"

"I...I didn't see it that way."

"I made this song for you. Because I love you. How could you not see that?"

"Please, Asahi, don't be mad at me, I really wanted to help and I thought sharing it-"

"You always want to share everything with the world", even before he said the words out loud he knew he would regret them but he couldn't help it. They just slipped. "Not everyone is like you, Nishinoya. Not everyone wants to announce their life with roaring thunder. This song was a part of me. _It was us_. Not a promotion video for my singing career."

"I know. I messed up. I'm sorry", but those were only words. And they weren't enough to heal the pain in Asahi's bones. Karasuno's ace turned around and started to walk up the slope. "No, wait!"

"Leave me alone", his heart ached with every syllable. "I don't want to talk to you right now."

"Asahi, you can't just run away!"

"I can", he shot a glance over his shoulder at Noya, who stood there, tears streaming down his pale face, his hands digging deep into the hem of his shirt and his shoulders heaving up with every sob. "I'm a coward, remember? It's what we do. We run away."


	27. Kenma - love language

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kenma makes amends.

"So, I know I hurt all of you and I'm incredibly sorry for the way I left you guys. It was irresponsible, especially with Interhigh coming up and if you still wanna have me, I would really love to play with you all again."

Kenma was standing in front of his team in the middle of Nekoma's gym after their training session. He had already been allowed to participate again, yet he owed them all an apology so he had spent the whole practice trying to put a reasonable one together. It still felt like it wasn't enough but he wasn't the best with words and he hoped his teammates would realize how much energy it cost him to stand in front of them all, anxiety knotting in his stomach and holding a speech like that. Coach Nekomata was the first one to nod at his words and cast a gentle smile his way, which alleviated the stress in his body significantly.

It was Nobuyuki, who rose to speak afterwards: "We are glad to have you back, Kenma."

"Yeah, we can't play in the tournament without our brain!", Tora gave him a thumbs up.

"Apology accepted", Yaku nodded sharply and Kenma heaved a sigh when their eyes met. He had been most afraid of Yaku's reaction but right now it seemed like they would deal with this in a mature way. The rest of Nekoma expressed how much they had missed him and before everyone fanned out to clean the hall, they playfully punched his arms or patted him on the shoulder. Kenma took another guilty-driven bow towards their coaches and followed the team.

Kuro still was banned from practice so he wasn't around, which had made this whole speech even more difficult. The only good thing about him being excluded from training was that it made Yaku a lot tamer in his presence. It wasn't surprising, though, since the subject of their battles was missing, Yaku apparently found better stuff to do than picking a fight with him. However, Kenma had to fix this. Even though if it meant more fights with Yaku, Kuro had to come back to the team. He was their captain after all. They couldn't be playing the tournament without him.

So after cleaning the hall, Kenma sheepishly tiptoed around their coaches, who were talking in front of the gym and tried to string some arguments together in his head. Kuro had told him not to do this but when had he ever really listened to Kuro? Besides, Kenma was sure he knew better. He wouldn't take the blame because then it would end in him not playing, which would make Kuro even more furious than he was being shut out of the tournament but he could maybe shift it a bit.

"Kenma, do you have something else on your mind?", nothing escaped Coach Nekomata's sharp eyes, so it was no surprise he had spotted his poor attempts of coming closer without them noticing. Caught red-handed, Kenma blushed and approached the adults nervously.

"Uh...about the shattered mirror..."

"Yes?", Naoi-san arched a brow and a knowing smile tugged on the corner of Coach Nekomata's lip. Kenma got the feeling they knew exactly what he was trying to do, which made him even more nervous.

"So, uh...I mean we really need Kuroo-san with us for the tournament, for the...morale."

"You know we can't do that, Kenma", Naoi-san shook his head and was already about to turn around. Kenma took a step forward and lifted his chin in what he hoped was a look of determined adamancy.

"Technically, Kuroo-san only was upset because I left in such a distressing way, so it is partially my fault", yeah, Coach Nekomata definitely knew the truth although Kenma tried his best to tiptoe around it, Kenma noticed it in the way he tilted his head, seemingly amused at his endeavours. "So I thought we could share the punishment and uh...so maybe, Kuroo-san could come back?"

"Share the punishment, how should that work?"

"Ah, Naoi-kun, let him finish."

"I don't know, maybe he could train from Monday to Wednesday and I'll come the remaining days and at the tournament, we switch each set...? Listen, I know it makes no sense", his cheeks got painted red under Coach Nekomata's amused gaze. "I just think Nekoma would do better if he was around, that's all. Maybe you can consider it..."

"If we could be sure no school property will be damaged again-"

"It won't! I promise", Kenma blurted out.

" _You_ promise?", Naoi-san looked at him, doubts casting a shadow over his strict face.

"Yes. I'll...uhm, watch him. Make sure he doesn't lash out anymore."

"That's reassuring", Coach Nekomata nodded, still smiling. "I guess we can have Kuroo-kun back next week. Although it is still too risky to let him play at the tournament I think keeping him away from training might be the wrong approach, what do you think, Naoi-kun?"

"Coach, we said-"

"Yeah, exactly what I thought", Coach Nekomata patted Naoi-san's arm and got ready to leave. While his colleague seemed startled, the older one sent an almost mischievous smile Kenma's way, who couldn't believe it had worked. Well, somehow. He bowed his head repeatedly and mumbled one _Thank you_ after another until the coaches were out of earshot.

"That was a good move", Yaku's voice caught him off-guard. Nekoma's libero was standing behind him, arms crossed in front of his slender chest, his hazel brown eyes pinning him down with his typical intense stare. Kenma felt the need to get into a defensive mode too but then he reminded himself he didn't want to argue anymore and just stared the other way, tilting his head so his hair could hide Yaku from his view.

"Thanks", he said tersely. He might be back on the team, yet he had no intentions of becoming best friends with Yaku after everything that had gone down between them. As long as they were able to pull off convincing plays on the court, their relationship didn't matter to him. Well, he tried to tell himself it didn't matter though it did tremendously. Kenma turned around to watch Yaku and as their eyes met, he suddenly knew what he saw in him and how stupidly he had been to not see it earlier.

A rival. Not on the court. But when it came to Kuro. He had never been jealous when other people hung out with Kuro, sometimes he even had been relieved because it meant more alone-time for himself but that had been because he knew Kuro and him shared this special bond nobody else could steal away from them. Nobody but Yaku. Yaku could give him something Kenma couldn't give him - a sudden realization that ripped through his chest.

They stared at each other, quietly, the tension almost visible in the air around them. Then, with one last barren glance towards him, Kenma turned around and made his way to the train station, thoughts crashing painfully in his head.

***********

The scent of cinnamon coffee and lotus found its way into Kenma's nose and after coming here repeatedly, it almost smelled like home. Or rather, a safe place. Which was rare, considering Kenma's only other safe place was his bed in front of his TV. Although he had to admit during the past time Kurocat had become some kind of a safe place as well. A safe, fluffy place.

This time he took a sip of his tea and observed Harada Ryōta through his hair strands. He was studying the picture he had brought along, the sketch of Kuro he had drawn in his room without really thinking about it yet it had been the only thing on his mind. Kenma wasn't sure if he was getting to the bottom of his problem or not but he was also too shy to address the subject. Talking about love and crushes was already difficult enough if he did it with his best friend but with adults, it was plain embarrassing.

"I didn't feel like drawing how society would like me best after sketching this. Because...it doesn't matter what other people want."

Harada smiled and put the picture between them on the coffee table.

"That's perfectly fine, Kozume-kun."

Kenma nodded and averted his gaze. This was so uncomfortable. How should he word this? Damn, why was talking about feelings so hard? His body became rigid under the pressure he put on himself, a sight, which Harada noticed immediately. The psychologist stood up and walked over to the couch next to his bookshelf, grabbing a dark blanket and handing it to Kenma, who instinctively took it, a bit dumbfounded.

"Sometimes its easier to talk about things we feel uncomfortable about if our surroundings are as comfortable as possible. Do you think that could help you?"

"I guess?", Kenma's fingers kneaded into the blanket before he stretched it out over his lap. He drew in his legs up to the seat after a shy glance towards Harada, who nodded encouragingly. With a soft little huff, he hurled the blanket around his shoulders and pulled it over his head, clutching it tightly. This was stupid. But he remembered the times where he had played videogames like this during stormy nights. Shielded by the warm force of fabric. Perfect. He must look childish but Harada didn't laugh at him. Kenma snuggled the blanket closer. Therapy was so weird.

"Do you want to talk about what you learned during the homework I gave you?"

"No. Yes", Kenma pulled the blanket over his face. Now he was but a fluffy blob on his psychologist's chair and he could already hear Kuro laugh when he told him about this. Hell, no. He would never tell him about this. "Okay. So. Uhm..."

He waited. As always, he let Kenma come to him. His mind flashed to Kuro and their conversation after he had harmed himself. How Kuro had claimed yelling at a cat would never help anything. And then he thought of the way Kuro hugged him. Always waiting for him to allow it, no matter the situation. How there was a silent agreement that he was the only person, who was allowed to drag him along, to put his arm around his shoulder and to put his head in Kenma's lap.

"I'm in love. With my best friend."

"Kuroo-kun."

"Kuro. Yes", the blanket nodded. It had gotten really hot underneath, Kenma's breath came in rapid bursts, trying to match the speed of his thudding heart. "And I think he...loves me, too. Somehow. But I can't tell if I want anything to change, so I'm not sure if we can actually...date."

"What do you think would change if you started dating?"

"Uhm...well, the things couples do", Kenma shifted under the layers of fabric and was now all curled up beneath it like a cat trying to get comfortable. His fingers rubbed over his knee, aimlessly. "Holding hands in public. Falling asleep while cuddling. S-Sex..."

"I can assure you that not every couple falls asleep while cuddling. It can actually be pretty difficult to fall asleep when your body is stuck to another person", Harada said it so sincere that Kenma's head appeared from underneath the blanket and golden, cat-like eyes stared at him, intrigued.

"And holding hands?"

"Not every couple likes to hold hands, either."

"But...but everybody has sex."

"Not every couple has sex", Harada smiled.

"They have not?"

"They definitely haven't. Kozume-kun, have-"

"Kenma. Could you call me Kenma?", he pushed down the blanket because the air was getting scarce and he was too jittery to hide right now. So he buried his sweaty fingers in the fabric and blew some messy hair strands out of his face.

"Kenma", Harada smiled. "Have you ever heard about asexuality?"

"No."

"Asexuality has a lot of aspects, it is more of a spectrum than a definitive label but most commonly it is described as the lack of sexual attraction or the low or absent interest in sexual activity. That doesn't mean you can't be in love and it definitely doesn't mean you can't enter a romantic relationship."

"Okay", Kenma nodded although he still tried to process the information Harada had given him. He looked down at his hands kneading the blanket. He had never really questioned his feelings for Kuro, he just hadn't been able to find a proper name for them. The way he kissed his hand made his knees weak. He loved spending time with him. He loved him. He kind of always had. But he also thought Kuro was attractive. Well, in all objectivity he was. His height, broad shoulders, obsidian eyes with a piercing look, defined jawline, abs for days. Huh, maybe he wasn't that objective after all. Kenma tried to make sense of all the new input and frowned.

"Just because you now know asexuality exists, doesn't mean you have to apply it to yourself. I simply thought it would be helpful for you to know that you're not stumbling into heteronormative commitments as they are portrayed in media if you enter a relationship. Every relationship is different."

"Okay", he continued to nod before he tilted his head, thoughts racing. "But how does it change then when we date if we don't have to do all this stuff?"

"That's a question you should be asking Kuroo-kun."

"Urgh", Kenma pulled a face that caused Harada to chuckle.

"We can wonder about it all you want if it helps you but in the end, I can't answer for Kuroo-kun. That's a conversation for you two to have whenever you're ready."

Kenma wanted to hide underneath the blanket again. He wrapped it around his hunched up shoulders and stared into his teacup. Of course, he knew Harada was right, still, it was not a conversation he looked forward to. Especially since all their last conversations had been hit or miss so far. Talking to Kuro during the past weeks had been like walking on eggshells. Their dynamic had shifted from friendship to Kenma-had-no-clue-what-he-wanted and it was exhausting. But he also didn't want to keep quiet anymore, primarily because he didn't want Yaku to have any say in their relationship anymore. And this could only happen if he finally admitted his feelings.

When he left Harada's office and entered the elevator, he scrolled through the camera roll of his phone, still thinking about the revelations of today's session. Kenma had never pictured himself in a relationship like he saw on TV. He couldn't see himself holding hands with someone in public although he had really liked it when Kuro had kissed his hand in his room. But it was different. In his safe place, nobody was staring at them apart from Kurocat. On the outside, though...

Kuro was quite the personality and extremely good-looking. When he walked through school he had a lot of people staring after him. Not that he would notice but Kenma did. Kenma registered every look sent after Kuro, every flustered smile or blushed cheek. He got a lot of attention but he didn't act on it, unlike other people. There was nothing Kenma hated more in the world than people staring at him. With Kuro on his hand that would most likely become the norm. And the eyes of strangers made him uncomfortable, made him break out in cold sweat and fuck, he hated it so much. Kenma had no doubts Kuro would shield him from all the stares if he complained yet he didn't even know if Kuro actually wanted to hold his hand so he was probably thinking too far ahead.

Kenma's thumb hovered over a picture of Kuro in his camera roll. Normally his gallery was all gaming tips or bus plans he had photographed for convenience, sometimes it was food, but this one was a picture of when Kuro had stolen his phone and taken a selfie. On the train, with the sun shining through the window behind him, almost making it look like a halo and innocent puppy eyes to go along with the vibe. A laugh escaped Kenma's lips as he looked at it. In the corner of the photo, his own hand got into the view, trying to snatch back his phone. 

It had always been Kenma and Kuro. Not just Kenma. Not just Kuro. It had been the two of them. And he wanted to keep it that way. Forever. For Kenma, a life without Kuro wasn't imaginable.


	28. Suga - enemy territory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Suga enters enemy territory.
> 
> content notes: underage drinking, implied homophobia, explicit language

Admitting your own mistakes was always a difficult task. Suga thought of himself as an honest and direct person but as he stared up the quite luxurious apartment complex in Sendai he wanted nothing but hide. He had to do this, though. If he didn't make any move, he probably would never see Oikawa again - well, at the Spring Representative Playoffs but he couldn't wait until then. So there was no way apart from going up. Heart heavily thudding in his chest, he pressed the bell and waited for the buzzer to let him in. Oikawa hadn't invited him, actually, they hadn't been texting anymore since Interhigh, yet Suga couldn't help but check their past messages on his phone.

Before he could be tempted to text him, the door opener rang and he entered the building. He only knew where to go from one of their conversations via phone, where Oikawa had sent him a picture of him relaxing in a modern, white living room, the scenery of a sunset in the background, gushing about the view in the seventh floor. Suga leaned against the mirror in the elevator and tried to ease his nerves by nibbling on his lower lip. His thumb stroked over the cracked phone screen, while he clutched the device close to his chest. The fracture beneath his fingertip usually brought him back to his first meetings with Oikawa, where everything had been mysterious and exciting, a thrilling adventure he wanted to dive into. Now it was chaos, the perfect picture destroyed into pieces and Suga was here to pick them up and put them back in place, hopefully without getting cut on the edges.

It was late. Normally, Suga would've been home already but since he knew Oikawa usually practised volleyball til late at night, he had decided to drop by later in the evening - well, and he had procrastinated on this task quite a bit, trying to figure out what he would say once he saw him again. He owed him an apology. Ever since Asahi had told him the truth about who actually had uploaded the video, Suga had been on edge about this. He paced towards the apartment door and hesitated when he noticed the door was ajar but there was no Oikawa to greet him.

Served him right. If he knew it was him, he had probably decided to be petty and let him beg for forgiveness. Suga took a deep breath. Tonight he would play by his rules if it meant getting him back into his life. He put a hand on the door when someone on the other side suddenly pulled it open. Suga instinctively took a step backwards when he looked right into Iwaizumi's face.

Seijoh's ace was wearing dark jeans and a leather jacket, his hair all spiked-up and in his hand a can of beer; his olive-green eyes narrowed when he saw him and immediately he widened his stance, blocking the door and resting his broad shoulder against the door frame. Suga gulped. He knew Iwaizumi could murder with his frowns but why did he have to look so cool while doing so?

"Uh...hey", now that the door was open Suga heard music coming out of the living room, merging with guys yelling and videogame noises. Apparently, he had picked the wrong day for a private conversation with Oikawa.

"Karasuno", Iwaizumi arched one of his thick, dark brows and took a sip of his beer. A drink, he clearly wasn't allowed to drink, Suga thought. But he wouldn't tell him what to do, he wasn't that stupid, after all. Just stupid enough to actually fall for Oikawa. God, this was humiliating.

"Is Oikawa around?"

"He sure is."

"Could I talk to him?"

"Depends."

"On?"

"What you wanna tell him."

"Sorry", Suga tried to not be intimidated by the way Iwaizumi stood in the door nonchalantly, kind of similar to Oikawa but while it always was a guise from Seijoh's captain, Iwaizumi simply had this threatening aura around him without putting on a show. "I came to apologize because I messed up."

"Hmm", another sip accompanied by a piercing glare at Suga's nervous face.

"Please, Iwaizumi-san, I need to apologize to him."

"Told you not to fall for him, Karasuno. Now, look at you."

Suga bit his lip. Frustration broke in his chest. He hadn't come prepared to talk his way through Iwaizumi, the bouncer. He just wanted to make things right with Oikawa, damn it.

"Okay, yeah. You were right. I shouldn't have fallen for him but I did. And then I treated him like shit, which I also shouldn't have done but I'm here to make things right. So would you please let me in?", Suga crossed his fingers behind his back, watching how a crooked smirk appeared on Iwaizumi's face.

"Yo, alright no need to look scared, I'm just messing with you", he gave him a pat on the shoulder and stepped aside. "He's been sulking over you not texting all day, so yeah, make up already so he gets out of my face, will ya?"

Once Iwaizumi moved to let him in, Suga was able to examine the rest of the apartment, which opened up into a huge living and dining area; everything was kept in modern white and grey tones, the decoration was sparse and it looked more than something out of a catalogue than a proper home. Regardless, the people filling the room with life were out of place in such a luxurious complex as well. The whole team of Aoba Johsai was cluttered throughout the area, some of them in the kitchen area opening beers and munching on various snacks, while others were sitting on the couch playing a racing game on a huge flatscreen. Between the noise, the deep bass of R&B music thudded right into Suga's stomach.

Aoba Johsai had lost to Shiratorizawa today at the Interhigh. Way to compensate a loss, Suga thought and felt awfully out of place. Iwaizumi put a hand on his back and guided him towards the kitchen, where he threw a can of beer in his arms. The other first-years, who had been around for their karaoke night, stared at Suga with a mixture of surprise and suspicion. Kunimi was sitting on a barstool, in his arms a huge bag of potato chips and munching away, while Kindaichi was busy watching his senpais playing the racing game from afar.

"What does he want?", Kunimi asked, his mouth full of chips.

"He's here for Oikawa. So you guys better behave. Also, close your mouth while eating, you're disgusting", Iwaizumi threw away his now empty beer can and darted Suga a look, who stared at the drink in his hands, hesitating. "He is awfully drunk, I recommend you at least take a sip, Karasuno."

"No one can endure Boozekawa sober", Kindaichi nodded seriously.

Iwaizumi let out a deep sigh and Suga came to the conclusion he really needed a sip of beer before going deeper into this weird parallel universe of Aoba Johsai having a party. Of course, he knew their opponents were just another bunch of teenage boys but he never would've guessed they all were so close they would spend the evening after a heavy loss together partying. Karasuno had fanned out, each dealing with their failure on their own.

The beer prickled on his tongue and he pulled a face because it was way more bitter than he liked it. Kunimi noticed his frown and chuckled: "Now we know who is the girl in your relationship."

"Nobody wants to hear your lame homophobic takes, Kunimi", Iwaizumi snapped and it wiped away the smug grin from the first-year's face. He looked into his bag of chips and blushed. Suga wasn't sure what to say. On the one hand, he wanted to shut Kunimi up by telling him who was actually leading who in their relationship, on the other hand, Iwaizumi just had defended him against his own teammate and he was simply speechless.

Seijoh's ace clapped him on the back and nudged his chin towards the corner next to the flatscreen, where Oikawa was laying in a dark blue beanbag chair, biting down on a straw he had put in his canned beer and watching his friends play with glassy eyes. Nervousness simmered under his skin when he looked at Oikawa, who seemed to be the only one that hadn't dressed up for their get-together. He was wearing a turquoise shirt and comfy, long joggers and a bunch of glow sticks around his forearm; his legs moved in the rhythm of the bass thumping through the room and his tongue clumsily tried to catch the straw in his can.

Suga inhaled a deep breath and exchanged a last look with Iwaizumi before he made his way through the living room, politely nodding at the everyone who noticed him and extremely glad nobody stopped him for a conversation. It took Oikawa until he was standing right in front of him to notice him. He tilted his head, blowing some of his fluffy curls out of the way. Suga prepared for the most dramatic Oikawa ever, prepared to be screamed at or thrown out. Instead, a surprised grin curled his lips.

"Suga-chan! You should've called!", he wiggled helplessly in the beanbag, trying to make room for him and spilt half of his beer on the floor. Suga grabbed down and snatched the can out of his hand to prevent further damage. Once he was in reach, Oikawa pulled him down and he fell into the chair. Oikawa kissed his cheek and stole his beer back.

"Uh Oikawa, we had a fight, remember?", maybe it had been a mistake to come here. Oikawa was probably too drunk for a genuine conversation anyway. And Suga felt like he would be cheating when the other one would accept his apology while being intoxicated.

"I remember. I'm drunk, not demented", his sing-sang tone switched into a more serious one. The cheery smile dropped from his face and he watched Suga with hazy eyes, while his tongue danced around the straw again. Suga wasn't sure if he should be laughing or sighing. The duality of Oikawa Tōru would never fail to impress him. "But since you're here, I assume you have real...li...lized", his drunk self stumbled over the word and for a moment he seemed confused, then he shot another glare at Suga. "Realized that you were a fucking moron."

"Excuse me? Did you just call me a moron?"

"Uh-huh", Oikawa bumped with his beer against Suga's and winked. "Wanna deny that?"

"No", he took another sip even though he didn't like the taste but he hoped Oikawa wouldn't notice how he blushed under his words. Whenever he thought he had figured him out, the other one would shuffle the cards anew. And although it made the nerves roil in his stomach, it also was so alluring, he couldn't help but lean closer towards him on this stupid beanbag.

Oikawa put an arm around him and Suga nuzzled his cheek against his chest; this was surreal. He could feel the rest of Aoba Johsai peering at them, some of them exchanging short whispers afterwards but nobody dared to say anything. Soon everybody just ignored them and went on with whatever they were doing. Suga caught a glimpse of Iwaizumi, who raised his drink at them and then jumped on the couch to steal the controller from another friend.

"So, uhm...about our argument. I wanted to apolo-"

"Oi, Suga-chan. I know, I know. It's fine", Oikawa's lips brushed over his light-grey hair and the featherlight touch sent a shiver down his neck. "I forgive you, of course. Just make sure...", his voice shifted into rougher tone. "... _to never cross me again_."

Goosebumps skittered over Suga's whole body and he had to sit up to escape from the sudden threatening aura; or was it a threat? He looked down at Oikawa, who still was stretched out in the beanbag, relaxed and apparently happy to see him but Suga noticed how his seemingly genuine smile didn't reach his eyes. Suddenly his throat felt dry.

"Right. Won't happen again", he heard himself say, feeling their dynamic shifting when Oikawa rose up and placed a kiss on his forehead.

"I knew I could trust you, Suga-chan", he whispered against his skin.

"Of course", he said under his breath. Oikawa's hand brushed over his neck until his thumb nudged up his chin. Suga found himself looking up into his hazy, drunken eyes and tried to gather his composure, putting on what he thought would be a confident stare but he was sure Oikawa could hear his treacherous heart pounding in his chest despite the loud music. But even if he did, he ignored it and pulled him closer for a kiss. Suga clutched tightly to his beer when their lips brushed against each other in a room full of Oikawa's teammates.

He tasted bitter from the alcohol and he was more daring than usual. Suga slowly realized why: This was the Oikawa in public, not the vulnerable guy he got when they were all by themselves. It scared him a bit, being so intimate in a room full of people when he didn't know how they would react and giving over the control to a drunk and somewhat dangerous Oikawa but at the same time, it was like back then when he had forced him to steal Takeda's car keys, thrilling, mysterious, irresistible. Apparently, Suga liked being toyed with as much as Oikawa. 

Suga let himself fall back into the beanbag and Oikawa's mouth followed, kissing the corner of his lips, licking over his mouth and scraping against his chin with his teeth. Every touch flooded him with unbearable heat. He buried his teeth in Oikawa's lower lip and tried to drown a moan. The bass swallowed it but Oikawa still must've felt it vibrating against his skin. Their kiss broke and Oikawa's thumb swept over his wet lips.

"I would love to fuck you right now but there are first-years here, you know?", he chuckled and Suga's cheeks flushed in glaring red.

"Oh my god...", was all he managed to say. Was this the Boozekawa they had warned him about?

"How do you like my pity-party, Suga-chan?", he had finished his beer and grabbed for Suga's, who was relieved he wouldn't have to drink it anymore, even though giving Oikawa more alcohol was probably a bad idea.

"It's...nice? I wasn't expecting so many people here during the week...and this late."

"Ah, yeah. We got all the booze to celebrate our victory against Shiratorizawa but since that didn't work out...well, it shouldn't go to waste, right?"

"Right", Suga arched a brow. "Oikawa, where are your parents?"

"You mean my mom? Business trip. Peking", he threw up a peace sign and winked at him. "Pretty cool, eh? I always have the whole apartment for myself. Well, and you guys, of course!"

Suga nodded quietly while Oikawa raised his beer to his teammates with a short slurred speech about how much he loved them. They laughed at him but raised their drinks as well and the way they did told Suga this wasn't the first time of Oikawa getting wasted and emotional. He mustered the empty walls of the apartment. He couldn't make out a single family picture. No little gifts or trinkets you collected over the years as a family. A great party location, yes. But not a home.

He wondered if Oikawa really enjoyed having this place to himself. No wonder that he spent his whole life in Aoba Johsai's gym. The bare white walls were depressing. Suga grabbed for his hand and stroked over his palm, gently and maybe a bit sentimental. But he couldn't help it. The thought of Oikawa waking up all by himself each morning made him sad.

"Are you okay, Suga-chan? Why are you pouting? Do you want another drink?"

"No, I'm...I'm fine. Are _you_ fine, Oikawa?"

A shadow flickered over his face before his lips formed a half-hearted smile: "Always."

" _Oikawa_ ", Suga's brow was still up in the air, his tone almost demanding.

"Urgh, okay. I'm not. Nobody likes losing!", Oikawa blurted out in a whiny voice and fought himself out of the beanbag in the clumsiest way, spilling beer and almost breaking his neck. Suga was hit by a wave of secondhand embarrassment and suddenly had to hold back a laugh because this moment he realized they actually were dating, kind of. And his partner was a fucking idiot. A loveable idiot but still, tonight, an idiot. So he watched with a mix of utter shame and strange amusement how Oikawa jumped on the coffee table, kicking snacks out of the way and raising his beer.

"Okay boys!", he slur-yelled. "We've gathered here tonight to say...FUCK YOU, USHIJI-USH....USHIJI- FUCK YOU, WAKATOSHI!"

Aoba Johsai cheered and Suga joined instinctively despite having no drink to raise.

"FUCK YOU, WAKATOSHI!", they shouted in unison.

"Come down there, dumbass, you gonna break your neck!", Iwaizumi commanded.

Suga approached them and dragged Oikawa down the table before an accident could happen and Seijoh's captain put an arm around his shoulder while waving the rest of the team closer. Suddenly Suga found himself in a circle of Aoba Johsai, Iwaizumi on his other side, also wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He blinked and stared into the faces of half-drunk guys, some of them looking pissed since the mention of Wakatoshi, others grinning at Oikawa, who was determined to give a speech.

"We still have the Spring Tournament ahead of us...we will crush them all. Date Tech, Karasuno - no offense, Suga-chan, you're beautiful - and Shit-atorizawa! Fuck Wakatoshi, fuck the _ultimate champions_. We will win! I believe in all of you", his adamant speech changed into an emotional sniffle and suddenly Suga was pulled into a group hug, where everybody ruffled through Oikawa's hair and cheered him on. When they took a step back, Oikawa pulled him in front of everyone, heavy palms pushing on Suga's shoulders.

"Also...I want you all to know we hereby adopt this crow into our circle!"

"Dumbkawa, what the hell", Iwaizumi spoke up and slapped his hands away from Suga's shoulders. The team suddenly got quiet and Suga bit the inner side of his cheek during all the suspension. He wasn't sure what was going on but being the focus of attention made him incredibly uncomfortable. Suga caught Kunimi's adverse glare and swallowed hard. Out of nowhere, Iwaizumi took a step forward, flanking him in front of his teammates.

"What our idiot-captain wants to say is, if you have a problem with him dating Sugawara-san, I'mma beat your ass. Alright?"

Unanimous nodding.

"Good. Now get him a drink and stop staring", Seijoh's captain smacked his back and got back on the couch, while everybody else fanned out. Kindaichi approached Suga and handed him a beer he didn't want but took nonetheless, while Oikawa gave him a clumsy hug from behind, pleased with himself.

What did just happen?

"Wanna make out?", Oikawa whispered into his ear but Suga dodged his tempting lips and instead put his fingers between their mouths.

"Later", he smiled and turned away.

"Did you...did you just _later_ me? Suga-chan! No way!", he complained heatedly but Suga simply glanced over his shoulder and winked at him, suddenly feeling light-headed from the recent events. He squeezed himself on the couch next to Iwaizumi and one of the other third-years, he believed his name was Matsukawa and took a deep breath. He was no longer in the enemy's territory yet he still needed to know _why_.

"So what happened to _don't fall for him_?"

"I know a lost cause when I see it", Iwaizumi smirked.

A somewhat proud grin curled Suga's lips.

"Seriously, you have surpassed the usual expiration date of Oikawa's flings. So I guess you're one of us now."

"Welcome, Suga-san", Matsukawa nodded approvingly.

"You guys are so different from what I expected."

"Are we?"

"I thought you were, well, assholes."

For some reason, the other two burst into laughter and Suga had to wait a full minute to get their attention back. Iwaizumi wiped away a tear from under his eye and flashed him a smug grin.

"Pretty bold coming from someone who is literally dating the biggest asshole of them all."

"He is not-", Suga stopped mid-sentence, looking over at Oikawa, who snatched the controller away from Kindaichi and steered his car down the road to deny him his win in their racing game. "Way to make me look like a fool, Oikawa."

It didn't matter though. Suga couldn't help but smile when Matsukawa handed him his controller and Iwaizumi, realizing he hated the taste of it, took the beer out of his hand to take care of it.


	29. Asahi - shadows of the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we glimpse into Asahi's past.
> 
> content notes: anxiety attack, claustrophobia, domestic abuse, childhood trauma

Four-year-old Asahi preferred being outside. Beneath the endless sky with all the puffy clouds swirling above his head and chasing bees and butterflies through their huge garden with little, eager hands. Before actually touching them, he would hold his breath and instead wave at them with childish enthusiasm and wish them a good flight. Chubby cheeks flashing a wide smile, wild brown hair always messy, no matter how often his mother fixed his cute ponytail, he was too fast, the strands would always come loose. They let him run around in the garden all day, building sandcastles, running with butterflies, singing about insects and birds and police cars, his newest obsession. His father had gifted him one after coming home from his latest business trip and it was a toy where you pushed a button and it blasted a police car siren. A sound, which Asahi never got tired of recreating, shooing away all birds who had wanted to rest in the cherry trees of their garden.

The siren, the singing, the excited shouting - Asahi was never quiet. If he became quiet, he would hear his parents from inside the house, through the open kitchen window from where his mother usually would keep an eye on him, however for the last days she hadn't bothered to watch him this much anymore. She was busy yelling at his father and he would scream back and sometimes they would shatter porcelain and then his mother would cry, one of the worst sounds young Asahi had ever heard, so he ran away. He ran away until he met the huge wooden fence surrounding their garden, which would keep him from sneaking off. When he listened carefully he could still hear them arguing and Asahi knew they wouldn't stop for quite some time, so the only other solution he saw to block out their scary voices was with singing and bopping the button on his newest toy.

He swirled the car around in his tiny hand when another plate flew out of the window and shattered on their wooden porch. Asahi got on his knees to hide behind the tall grass - the grass in their garden was always tall because his dad had no time to trim it and his mother would always complain about their home looking like a jungle but Asahi actually liked it that way. With the culms poking his cheeks when he crouched down, he felt perfectly hidden. Asahi pressed his palms on his ears and waited for his parents to calm down.

His father busted open their backdoor, yelling but with a dustpan and a brush in his hands, while his mother appeared in the doorframe, her beautiful face red and puffy and wet. Asahi got back on his feet, hesitantly. Huge, dark eyes peeked at his parents, quickly filling with tears although nobody had screamed at him. Whenever he saw his mother with those red lips and the colour dripped down her chin, he had the urge to cry. His father spotted him between the tall grass and smiled but even for little Asahi, it felt odd.

"Do you like your new toy?"

Asahi clutched the police car miniature closer to his chest and nodded rapidly until his wild curls fell into his eyes. He brushed them away clumsily and when he did so, his father had already turned around to clean up the mess on the porch. His mother wiped away the red from her face with her apron and hid back in the house. She never came out to play with Asahi; the garden belonged to the boys, his father had said. Asahi usually made sure to play in the view of the kitchen window, so she could at least watch him because sometimes it made her laugh and it was his favourite sound.

His father had picked up all the shards and walked over to their garden shed. Curiously, Asahi waddled closer, still holding onto his present and humming one of his mother's lullabies. The metallic door of the garden shed was always locked when his father wasn't home, which was most of the time, so he never had been able to get a peek inside. Inquisitive as all children, Asahi followed on his father's footsteps. It was dark inside the shed, a bit scary, so he paused on the threshold and blinked to get the sun out of his face and catch a glimpse of the inside.

He heard his father rustling in the darkness, throwing the remaining bits of their argument away and when he turned the lightning caught the rough edges of his jawline and his frown.

"You're not supposed to be in here, Asahi", he scolded him and Asahi blushed, caught in the act.

"I just wanna see your playground, daddy."

"It's not a playground", his father flicked on the light inside the shed; a single, naked light bulb hung in the middle of a cramped room full of gardening tools and workbenches with sharp-looking tools that seemed scary. "It's a workroom."

"Oh", Asahi made a step backwards. The machines looked fun but dangerous and he was a bit intimidated by all the metal and the cobwebs in the corners. Everything was dusty and it smelled so damp, Asahi sneezed when he took a breath. His father was about to close the door with the heavy padlock from outside again and Asahi scuttled up and down next to him, thinking about how to approach him. They didn't see each other often but sometimes his father was the meanest person he knew and sometimes he was so sweet - Asahi never knew what to do right.

"Mommy said the grass is too tall", he then tried with childlike innocence.

His father stopped and cast him a glare out of dark, piercing eyes and Asahi felt the fear roaring in his stomach.

"I saw a lawnmower", a little hand pointed at the garden shed. "If you cut it for her, she will be happy!" Since his mother was awfully upset today, it would cheer her up for sure. Even though Asahi wouldn't be able to hide behind the tall culms anymore, he thought it was a good idea.

Well, his father apparently disagreed.

"So your mother thinks its fun to send you ahead because she is too stuck-up to ask me herself?"

"No", Asahi made another step backwards, looking towards the kitchen window but he could only make out the pale blue curtains dangling in the wind when his father grabbed around his upper arm and opened the garden shed again. "Dad?"

"I'm gonna have a word with your mother, you go explore the workroom, huh? That's what you wanted, right?", he got pushed through the door and stumbled over his short legs. His father standing in the doorway cast a large shadow in the interior. He held up the padlock with a frown and Asahi realized he had dropped his police car outside.

"Can I have my car?", he asked and for a brief moment their eyes met - it was the last time Asahi saw into his father's eyes, dark and malicious and scary. The door got shut and he heard the metallic clink with which it got locked. Heavy footsteps departed towards the house.

Asahi sat on his knees in complete darkness, holding onto his shorts with sweaty palms.

"Dad?"

His voice echoed through the black room. He didn't get an answer. Asahi got back on his feet and touched the metallic door. It was cold and rigid. Little hands smashed against it, first as a questioning knock, then more desperate when Asahi realized his father had left. He blinked rapidly as if he could create light in the room with sheer willpower as panic rose in his body and his muscles went taut.

"Dad? DAAAD!", he yelled, voice cracking. Frantic sobs resounded from the walls, the walls that were somewhere there in the darkness, maybe coming closer or running further away, Asahi didn't know. Since the door refused to open, he staggered blindly through the room and fell over one of the many gardening tools. Loud clattering scared him and seconds later something collapsed on top of him, a metallic stick crashing onto his head. He screamed in panic and rolled over the floor, trembling hands touching sticky cobwebs and Asahi started to hysterically cry. This place was even scarier than his father's eyes.

Slowly his eyes adapted to the darkness around him, showing him vague and spooky shadows of various machines and tools he had no words for. When he looked at them long enough, they would start to move, crawling towards him and Asahi robbed over the floor, hot tears streaming down chubby cheeks until he found the door again. He threw himself against the cool metal, pressing his body against it as if he could open it that way, fingernails scraping over the surface until his fingers hurt terribly.

He tried shouting for his mother since his father had no plans of coming back. She wasn't allowed in the garden, sometimes scared to go there but maybe she would make an exception for him? She always kept him safe. She always did. Always throwing herself in front of him whenever plates or fists went flying. Surely she wasn't intimidated by some tall grass culms, right? Shouting changed into sobs and the terrifying realization that everybody had left him and nobody would come back to open the door. That he was stuck in this dark and scary place with faceless monsters reaching out their claws to grab him.

Asahi's body cramped and there were periods where he wasn't able to breathe anymore, curling up on the floor and biting down his fingers until his hands were full of spit and blood and tears. Closing his eyes didn't make the room go away, he was still stuck and the air was getting sucked out of his lungs and he tried to think of his mother and her beautiful smile and dark hair but she had left him. Spiders were crawling over his skin and giant insects with flashing eyes and huge stings - it was the worst place ever and he didn't understand why his father would do that. Had it been so wrong to ask for his help? Why was he so angry? Why was he so angry all the time?

When the door opened again, the sun was long gone, as were the bees and butterflies to chase around. His mother sank onto her knees next to him and she scooped him up in her arms until he could hear her heart rumbling in her chest. Asahi clawed into her blouse and hid his face on her chest, sobbing into the fabric and the warmth of her body and for a moment he was confused by his emotions - should he be glad he was rescued or hurt because she had left him?

But then she stroked his hair out of the way, so he could look at her face - her beautiful face coloured in red and blue and tears.

"It's okay", she said and Asahi wanted to believe her. "He's asleep. We're going out now, just us two. Grab your favourite toy and we go on a trip, will you?"

Asahi nodded when she put him down and his puffy eyes spotted the police car toy in the grass a few feet away. He bit his lip and looked back to his mother, who was grabbing a suitcase from the porch, making her way to the garden gate that usually always stayed locked. But this time she opened it with trembling hands and before walking through, she turned around and smiled.

Asahi left the police car behind and hurried after her. When he crossed the gate, screams echoed out of the open kitchen window but his mother grabbed him and put him in the back of the car, the suitcase pushing against his knees, she threw herself on the driver's seat and started the engine.

He peeked out of the window and looked at the tall, wooden fence one last time. The fence that had caged them for as long as he could remember became remarkably tiny on the horizon as they drove away.

***********

Asahi awoke drenched in cold sweat. His tangled hair stuck on his wet neck and cheeks as he sat up on his mattress, eyes darting through the room, expecting to see the terrifying grimace of his father in the corner. But this wasn't their house in Nerima, he was in Tōhoku, in the calming mountains he adored so much and in a house without a garden shed and tall wooden fence.

Of course, after his life was already crumbling apart, his past had decided to haunt him again. Asahi got up from his bed and climbed on his windowsill, opening the window to let the cool morning breeze into his room. The wind met his sweaty skin and goosebumps skittered over his arms. The rising sun would need a few more minutes to paint the area in a reddish hue; as always Asahi was awake early and as always the night had felt like its own marathon run. It took him a few minutes to gain his breath back.

Exhaustion was scarred deep into his bones. Night after night those dreams and on top of that, he had lost Nishinoya's support to guide him through the mess his life was right now. The thought of Nishinoya stung in his chest and Asahi curled up against the wall, still watching how the world awoke around him. Normally he would've reached for his guitar to cope with his feelings but their libero had ruined it. Asahi still had trouble processing the last night.

They had been so intimate with each other, like the only people on earth that mattered, he had entered Nishinoya's cosmos ready to get swept away by his breathtaking aura and he had let him drop instead. He still couldn't wrap his head around the thought of Nishinoya sending around the video of him. Why would he ever do that? After all, Asahi had told him. He should've been his audience of one, Asahi had gladly written hundreds of songs about him. Yet for Nishinoya it hadn't been enough.

Asahi had always feared this day. The day when Nishinoya found out he wasn't enough for him but he hadn't expected it to come so quickly. They didn't match. Never had. Two raindrops caught in a storm, cast together but each on their own way towards the ground. While Nishinoya's would dance longer through the storm, becoming one with it, Asahi's would drop into a huge, dark lake and be forgotten. He bit down on the inner side of his cheek, trying to numb the overwhelming sadness in his heart. He had been a fool to chase after a storm. He was no match for him.

Still, it hurt. After months of longing for his embrace, the realization he would never get to kiss him again broke his heart and Asahi hated it. If he thought about going to school today, after the loss of Interhigh and Nishinoya, he wanted to vomit. Asahi got up from his windowsill and packed his bag before he disappeared into the shower where he tried to get rid of the last shadows of his dream.

When he came downstairs, his mother had already finished packing his bento box. Just like him, Azumane Akemi was always up early. Ever since she had driven away with him, they hadn't talked about what had transpired in Nerima. Her loud son Asahi had become quiet over the years, not wanting to upset his mother with his mood swings as he tried dealing with the past. Akemi would hide her breakdowns in her own bedroom during the middle of the night - they had been rare over the past ten years, she had healed from the past but some scars would always stay visible.

Asahi shared this bond with her, like everyone who had experienced trauma together - it was something they didn't talk about yet they knew when the other one had one of those days. So it was no surprise his mother pulled him into a hug when he saw him creeping down the stairs, pale and exhausted from his personal nightmares.

"I'll be coming home late tonight", Asahi mumbled without looking at her face but he heard the smile in her voice when she told him to not forget his bento box before leaving. He watched her disappearing up the stairs to get ready and grabbed his stuff. Despite his conflicting feelings towards music, he also shouldered his guitar case and left the house before the sun had risen.

Asahi had never skipped school before. Not even when he had run away from the volleyball club. Today was a first. He made his way down the mountain, almost expecting Nishinoya to show up around a corner, inviting him to an early morning workout but there was no sight of their libero. Yet Asahi's thoughts kept trailing off to him, lingering on his honey-brown eyes and the soft moans he had sent his way when he had touched him under the starry night sky.

It could've been perfect. They could've been perfect.

In the end, it had been one of his many daydreams.

Asahi arrived at the train station and bought a ticket without questioning his actions. For once, this wasn't the time to brood over decisions. It was the time to just get through with them. So he got on a train instead of going to school and muted his phone before Daichi and Suga could blow it up with any messages. Asahi put on his headphones and rested his head against the seat, almost immediately dozing off.

When he arrived in Nerima his step felt stiff and heavy on the asphalt. The memory of these streets was blurry. Asahi had been way too young to remember any neighbours or street names. So it took him a while until he turned into the right street, wondering if it all still looked the same. The train ride had taken most of the morning and it was early afternoon when he saw the tall wooden fence that had once been so familiar.

Nervousness crept under his skin and suddenly he wasn't so sure anymore if this idea had been the smartest. He knew his father didn't live here anymore, he was long gone. Neither his mother nor Asahi knew where he lived now but it didn't matter as long as he left them alone. Asahi hadn't come back to see him again, he had come here to visit the place that had brought them so much pain with the foolish hope it could magically fix him and his dreams.

Right now he had trouble controlling the upcoming panic in his throat. Asahi bit down his lip and stood there, frozen in place in the middle of the street. His stomach twisted with anxiety as he approached the house. The garden gate was closed but you could peek into the driveway. Well kept flowerbeds and a freshly painted mailbox as if someone had drawn over the dark times of his childhood. Asahi tilted his head when he read the name on the mailbox.

黒尾. Kuroo.

The name sounded familiar and Asahi needed a second to connect the dots when he realized whose house he was standing in front of. Before he could act on his realization, footsteps approached behind him. Nekoma's setter, Kozume Kenma, was walking down the street, looking down on a portable gaming console in his hand and stopping one house in front of Asahi. He rummaged through his pockets for a key and while doing so, his blonde hair strands got brushed behind his ear and made Asahi appear in his field of view.

Asahi's heart was heavily thudding in his chest. Immediately his mind flashed back to the day where Kozume had yelled at him and Nishinoya in Nekoma's public bathroom. The setter was one of these people, who would humiliate him with the video that had been sent around. Asahi braced himself for another mean outburst and resisted the urge to take a step backwards.

The golden eyes of Nekoma's setter widened when he recognized him.

"Azumane-san", he gasped.


	30. Kenma - soul song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which two souls collide.

Kenma had wanted to text Azumane and Nishinoya an apology, he even had gotten their number from Shōyō yet he hadn't been able to find the right words. What did you write someone you had accidentally yelled at during a breakdown, shaming them for their sexuality? _Sorry, I was accidentally homophobic?_ Kenma inwardly sighed. No, that wouldn't have worked out. So now his responsibilities had come to haunt him because this for sure was Karasuno's ace standing right in front of Kuro's house. Kenma didn't know what the hell he had to do with Kuro because Azumane had always struck him as a pretty shy and reserved person, not one to make new friends quickly and he definitely hadn't talked to Kuro during their practice matches. But he couldn't deny life was presenting him a perfect opportunity to get his to-do-list going. The part where you went to therapy and became a new person, blabla, all that stuff.

So Kenma swallowed down the pride in his throat and ignored the flash of anxiety in his mind when he bowed before Azumane and squeezed out a breathless apology. When he looked back up, he stared into a face showing confusion. Kenma knew his cheeks had flushed in bright red. Nevertheless, he tried to keep up his gaze and knotted his fingers.

"I wanted you to know I didn't mean what I said. I was...angry and...uh...", fuck, why was this so hard? Kenma straightened his back and hoped he looked determined enough to pull this through cause he sure didn't feel like it. But this could be an excellent practice for his upcoming conversation with Kuro, so he should just go for it. "I saw your video. I thought it was brave."

A shadow flickered across Azumane's face. With his dark stubble and the wild hair he surely looked intimidating, though Kenma knew better than to judge people by their appearance. The image of Azumane being hurt by his words in the bathroom and the way he had treated Nishinoya, so tender and soft, told him a lot about Azumane already. He may look dangerous but he wasn't. He had a soft heart, one that Kenma had shattered with his words which was why he owed him this apology.

"Uh...thank you", his speaking voice sounded different from his singing voice. As if he tried to hide a certain aspect of himself, he didn't want Kenma to see. Embarrassed, he rubbed his neck and Kenma noticed an unfamiliar feeling in his chest. Warmth. Even though he was talking to a complete stranger. There was something connecting them. An invisible thread stretching from one fragile chest to another. Kenma had spent most of his life hiding from people staring, he knew all too well.

"I really don't think you are disgusting", Kenma cleared his throat. "I think you're amazing for not hiding how much you're in love."

"Were. He sent the video around", Azumane looked surprised himself that he had shared this information with Kenma, someone he technically didn't know and averted his gaze, cheeks blushing.

"Oh", Kenma made, dumbfounded. "That's awful."

"Yeah."

Silence dragged out between them. Kenma felt the urge to say something, though he never did. He usually kept his thoughts to himself because either people wouldn't understand or he had nothing important to say. Sometimes it was good to keep opinions to yourself. This was not the time. He couldn't really explain why he was drawn to Azumane but the sadness that was clinging to him was something he wanted to disperse. He didn't deserve being treated like this. He had done nothing wrong. Kenma might not feel comfortable with how some people expressed their love but that didn't mean they shouldn't love each other.

"Still, your singing voice was really impressive. And the lyrics were brave. It was different from music I usually listen to but it kind of startled me, I think because it was so honest. You normally hear recordings that are perfect because they only care about selling them but your voice was shaky and real and...it kind of showed me something about myself, so yeah...", Kenma couldn't remember when he had talked so much at a time. "Sorry, I usually am not that talkative, it's just that I want you to know...well, you must feel awful right now and I don't want that."

"That's real nice of you, Kozume-san."

"I'm Kenma."

"Asahi."

"So, uh...what are you doing at Kuro's?"

"I used to live here", Asahi turned around to the house next door, his eyes lingering on the wooden garden fence for quite some time. Kenma shifted his weight on the balls of his feet. The tension in his body had subsided a bit, now that he had tried to get his thoughts in order and gathered an apology for Asahi. Even if he didn't agree, Karasuno's ace didn't show it. "I had some weird dreams about it tonight, so I thought I would drop by. It was stupid..."

"I see", Kenma was still standing in their driveway, unsure how to act. "Do you want to go in?"

"What?", Asahi flinched as if he had forgotten Kenma was around. There was a heavy kind of pain in every line of his face. The type you carried around with you for years. The type that never would go away. That would hide most of the days. But today it was present, sketching shadows of the past in every movement of his jaw, every broken gaze. 

"Kuro and I are best friends, his mother won't mind me hanging out in their garden. So if you want, we can go there", Kenma shrugged. He wasn't sure why he was offering it instead of hiding in his own house. But seconds later, he found himself opening the garden gate. 

Asahi remained where he stood, hesitant and unmoving, but his eyes cut back and forth between the wooden fence and Kenma. Finally, he crossed into the garden and when he closed the gate behind him, Karasuno's ace shivered visibly. Kenma had spent hours of his life here in this garden. Kuro had shown him how to perform proper passing drills here, they had played knight and dragon, chasing each other between the cherry trees and whenever a storm had interrupted them, they had hidden in the cozy little garden shed. What kind of adventures had Asahi experienced here? The way he steered clear of the shed, drops of sweat forming on his forehead, made Kenma wonder. 

He trailed after him, a few steps behind his broad back that was covered with the guitar case on his shoulder. The verses of Asahi's song still on the back of his head. Somehow the song had opened Kenma's eyes towards his feelings for Kuro. With these honest lyrics and the fact that Asahi had sung it so real because he thought nobody would ever listen in to him but Nishinoya. This was the type of affection Kenma adored. These true and bare feelings that were so utterly scary. Honest gestures. Without any urge to appeal to the public. Asahi's song. Kuro's kiss of his hand. 

Asahi's shoulders were hunched up to his ears. Former firm steps now shaky as he travelled deeper into the garden until he had reached the end of it, right next to the cherry trees. Every hue of colour had dropped from his face. Pale and jittery, he sank down against the stem of a cherry tree, holding his guitar case tight. Hazy, dark eyes rested on the garden shed. 

"Are you okay?", Kenma asked even though it was quite obvious he wasn't. 

"Yeah", Asahi answered even though it was a lie. 

Kenma found himself sitting down right between him and the shed, partly blocking the view. Not knowing why, only that it was important. He hated people staring at him but right now it felt necessary, so he caught Asahi's sorrowful gaze with his golden eyes. It snapped him out of his thoughts, whatever they were, like a dark cloud in the sky swept away by a harsh gust of wind, they disappeared and Asahi opened his guitar case. 

"I think your song made me realize I'm in love with my best friend."

The confession hung between them, accompanied by the shy whisper of the cherry blossoms in the trees above, dancing with the wind and held in place by the wooden fence around them. For Kenma it cost him all his self-control to not look away, to not hide behind a curtain of his blonde hair. He was rewarded by the softest, most honest smile. One creating dimples in Asahi's cheeks and a slight blush on his nose. There was sincere gratitude in the gleam of his eyes that caused Kenma to swallow heavily. 

Most of the time being around people was nerve-wracking for Kenma. Being around Asahi was like putting on headphones and drowning out the world around oneself, listening to a song creating a whole universe for oneself, with no one else to hear. He couldn't help but mimic his smile. 

"I hope he loves you back", was the gentle answer in a tone that made sure he meant it. 

Kenma bit his lip: "I hope so, too."

He wanted to say more. To wish him well for his relationship with Nishinoya, so the two of them could work it out despite their argument but it wasn't his place. All Kenma knew was that Asahi didn't deserve to feel this way. The hollowness surrounding him was heavy, a veil around his silhouette, wrapping around his voice and gaze. He understood him, though. He would look the same without Kuro around him. Two pieces of the same puzzle, stuffed away in different boxes. 

"Do you mind if I play a song?"

Kenma shook his head and his spine stiffened. Suddenly he felt nervous, so he grabbed for his phone and played around with it between his fingers to give himself something to do. Different nerves hit him all at once, as if he wasn't allowed to listen in to a concert of Asahi because the last one he had seen had been so intimate. However, Karasuno's ace started playing, eyes closed. 

It was a different melody from the last one. A new song. Melancholic and heavy, a cold shower of rain coming down between them, leaving goosebumps on Kenma's arms and scalp. And even though he knew it was terribly wrong, Kenma found himself hit the recording button on his phone, before putting it next to him in the grass, away from Asahi's view if he were to open his eyes.

He wasn't even sure why he did it. He only knew if he wouldn't, he would regret it. Because in that very second, there was a single tear breaching between Asahi's reddish eyelashes and streaming down his cheek and then he started to sing the song Kenma would never forget. The one that would start it all, that would connect them forever, without the two of them knowing it yet.

**[Note: If you want to listen along to Asahi's song,["To Die For"](https://youtu.be/HKFIahkMMWI) while reading open this link in a new tab]**

_I look for you  
Every day  
Every night  
I close my eyes  
From the fear  
From the light_

_As I wander down the avenue so confused  
Guess I'll try and force a smile_

He was an audience of one, sitting in a garden that obviously meant different things for both of them, yet they connected the second Asahi's voice echoed through the trees. It sank deep past Kenma's skin, creating the feeling of sorrow and hope alike and he suddenly was overwhelmed by the emotion.

_Pink lemonade sipping on a Sunday  
Couples holding hands on a runway  
They're all posing in a picture frame whilst my world's crashing down  
Solo shadow on a sidewalk  
Just want somebody to die for  
Sunshine living on a perfect day whilst my world's crashing down  
I just want somebody to die for_

Heartbreak came to mind as he listened and the severity hit him like a lightning bolt. Kenma held in a gasp and watched how another tear ran down Asahi's stubbled cheek, how it clung to his chin before dripping down on the guitar he played so gently as if it was the only thing that mattered. Kenma didn't know if Asahi knew he was still present because here he was, exposing himself and his soul for Kenma to see and there was a fire forming in his chest as he watched him.

_I long for you  
Just a touch  
Of your hand  
You don't leave my mind  
Lonely days I'm feeling  
Like a fool for dreaming_

He envied whoever Asahi gave his dedication to. What an intense spirit to be adored by. He envied how he was able to lay bare his emotions, how he could be vocal about all the pain and all the love he was storing inside his gentle soul. Kenma's fingers curled into his knees as he tried to hold back the tears fighting themselves into his eyes. 

_As I wander down the avenue so confused  
Guess I'll try and force a smile_

When he finished, his head sank against the stem of the tree. Even though he opened his eyes and their gazes met again, Asahi didn't wipe away his tears in embarrassment. He let them simmer on his face, yet he seemed somewhat relieved. Cleansed from the dark shadow that had crept in every line of his face before. Kenma was at loss for words, so he forced himself to a smile but it felt off because he was still so touched by the melody sinking right into his heart. 

Asahi cleared his throat: "Thanks for letting me come here."

"No, thank you", Kenma blurted out before he knew what he was saying. Thanking him for singing? What was he doing? But Asahi didn't question it. Slowly, he got back on his feet and put away his guitar - even if he found Kenma's behaviour weird, he didn't show it and sent another short smile his way. Somehow Kenma believed him. Asahi didn't strike him as a person who would hide behind fake feelings. Maybe that was why Kenma felt kind of drawn to him. His presence didn't inflict nervousness or the fear of being judged. 

He led him out of Kuro's garden and again, as they walked past the garden shed, Asahi's body stiffened and the muscles in his jaw clenched. Once they were back on the street, the tension washed away and he smiled at Kenma once more, bowing his head for a goodbye.

Kenma heard himself whispering a _goodbye_ , his voice still sounding husky and the tears behind his eyes still prickling, when Asahi turned around with a last wave of his hand and walked away. Just like that. He stared after him, trying to grasp what just had happened. Then he remembered he had recorded the whole song and for a short moment he was tempted to just delete it, an apology on his lips, then, an idea formed in his roiling mind.

Kenma dashed home, fingering the key out of his pockets and opening the door, yelling a greeting towards the kitchen, where his father was cooking already and sprinting towards his room. Kurocat greeted him with an excited _meow_ and brushed around his feet, when he flopped down on his desk chair, booting up his laptop. Kenma's fingers were shaking when he plugged in his phone and transferred the recording of Asahi. 

He put on his headphones and closed his eyes as seconds later, Asahi's voice sank right into his ears. It was deep and sorrowful and honest, pulsing through him and causing a thrill tickling down his spine. It created the picture of Kuro in his mind. Kuro, who grabbed his hand and kissed it, gentle and promising. Kuro, whose obsidian eyes caught him and created this weird zone where nothing else mattered but him. If Asahi's song could create such feelings, he needed to know.

Suddenly, Kenma understood why Nishinoya had sent the video around. 

It meant something. It meant so much more than everything he had ever heard before. And Asahi needed to know that. So he would free himself from the sorrowful veil around his soul. 

Kenma was back on his feet, his heart thudding wildly in his chest and looked for his camcorder.

He _needed_ to show him.

He rushed back down the stairs, the camcorder clutched tightly to his chest: "I'm going out!", he shouted towards the kitchen and before his father could react, he was already back on the street.


	31. Suga - eight minutes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they can make it work.

Maybe Suga had imagined his first night at Oikawa's already. Maybe, after exchanging so many naughty texts over the past weeks, his imagination had gone wild when he thought of staying overnight in the bed of Seijoh's charming captain. And maybe those shameless pictures in his head had involved a lot of naked skin and a trembling Oikawa underneath him.

Well, in some way Oikawa was trembling underneath him. In the most miserable way but he definitely was at his limits somehow. Kneeling in front of the toilet, Oikawa was vomiting out the beers and regret of last night with teary eyes and noisy whimpering in between so Suga would pity him and stroke his fluffy curls out of his face and pet the back of his head reassuringly.

Suga had not much sympathy for him. He had chosen this for himself, getting totally wasted on a schoolday and had rejected any glass of water Suga and Iwaizumi had tried to pour down his throat before going to sleep. After they had put him to sleep, the rest of Aoba Johsai had gone home and Suga had cleaned up the apartment because he had been way too restless to go to sleep as well. He had spent the night on the couch, though. Merely because he had been afraid Oikawa might vomit on him. But no, he had managed to keep it in until the morning. So considerate.

"Your Grace, I'm afraid we need to depart for school soon", Suga mocked him while patting his back.

"I can't go to school, I'm sick!", Oikawa answered between two extremely ungraceful rattles.

"You're hungover."

"That's the same!"

"It's not."

"Suga-chaaaan", he whined, hugging the toilet seat while cold sweat was breaking on his neck. "You're my boyfriend, you're supposed to take care of me."

Behind him, Suga bit his lip and couldn't help but blush. It still felt so surreal to be called Oikawa's boyfriend. Of course, they had been kind of dating but they had never said it so officially and yesterday they had practically welcomed him in their circle - Suga still wasn't sure if it all had been a dream. But a glimpse on his phone this morning had convinced him in the end. He now was in possession of Iwaizumi's phone number and he was tempted to give him a call to get some instructions for hungover, whiny Oikawa.

"I wish I could but I've to take an over an hour-long bus ride to school, which means I've to leave in exact 8 minutes", Suga got up and was about to leave the small bathroom, when Oikawa dragged the back of his hand across his mouth and tried to follow.

"You leave without a kiss?", he gasped.

"If you brush your teeth in time you might get one", with an amused smirk tugging on the corner of his lips, he watched how Oikawa quickly grabbed for his toothbrush. Suga let him be and stepped back into his room. Last night he hadn't been able to watch it properly because they had been so busy with getting Oikawa to bed. While the rest of the apartment had been so impersonal and almost businesslike, this room at least felt lived-in. Although it certainly looked like the shrine of a total volleyball nerd.

Plastered across the wall where various articles from _Monthly Volleyball_ and international sports magazines and an old jersey from Kitagawa Daichi, together with Oikawa's obtained tournament medals and awards. Three Molten balls were sitting on a shelf next to them, each of them more battered than the other and a workout plan was pinned on the corkboard over his desk. The rest of his room was quite messy. Clothes cluttered the floor with a hamper overflowing already and in between some half-hearted finished school work. Suga picked the notebooks up from the floor and placed them on the desk, his fingertips gently stroking over the wood.

Again he was looking for family pictures without success. Or any pictures apart from volleyball articles, really. For being such an eye-catching person, Oikawa's room didn't show much of his personality. No favourite books on display or CDs or posters of favourite bands. It was as if this room was merely another mask he had to hide behind. The teenage boy devoted completely to volleyball, a wall decorated with his achievements to never forget about his goals even when he was about to go to sleep.

His strong arms wrapped around Suga from behind and Oikawa placed his chin on his shoulders before his lips brushed against the sensitive skin of his neck. Immediately his knees got weak and had to lean against him for support. Suga's eyelids fluttered shut, desperately trying to keep his cool. He could banter with him all he wanted, playfully flirt even but when it came to this? To the point where Oikawa took over and demanded his touch, his mind simply went blank. Swift fingers nudged his head upwards and before he could peek past his eyelashes, he knew Oikawa was now standing in front of him, his big hands sweeping into Suga's hair and holding him in place.

The scent of mint prickled on his lower lip when Oikawa kissed him. Fresh and sharp. It made him want to bury his teeth into his lip. Suga grabbed for Oikawa's jaw, the simple gesture they had developed over all their meetings, the silent sign he needed some time to adjust or to take the lead. The one that always worked, as it did right now when the muscles in his jaw flexed and Oikawa's breath got shallow in imminent excitement. Suga pushed him until his back hit the wall with all the volleyball articles and pressed their lips together.

_Are you that easy to tease?_

_I actually think you're pretty cute._

His hot breath brushing against Suga's mouth. His fingertips pulling on the roots of his hair. His hips pushing him backwards until he felt the bedpost in the hollow of his knees. Arousal smouldered in his stomach. Yanking away any prudence. Until there was nothing left but Oikawa's touch and the way he pressed him into his mattress, looming over him, heavy but oh so satisfying.

_I'm missing you, Suga-chan._

_Do you want honest or nice?_

His leg parted Suga's knees and he sank down in his lap, elbows placed left and right of his head. A sly smile when they broke their kiss and a thumb stroking his wet lips. Heart thudding wildly in his chest, Suga looked up to him, into this seductive eyes, heavy-lidded and scanning every piece of him. A piercing gaze, scorching through his body and mind and Suga knew it would burn him away.

_I would love to fuck you right now._

All this time he had been foolish enough to believe he had seen through Oikawa's mask but the truth was, Suga just now realized what he was getting into. What it actually meant being this close to him. It meant forgetting about everything because you surely couldn't handle anything else but Oikawa in these moments. It meant stripping off any mantle of modesty and giving himself over to him because, in silence, he demanded it - and he was so tempting, so irresistible Suga had no other chance but to let his breath get stolen away.

_Please, Suga-chan, you can't stop now, I want you so bad._

So he sat up and let Oikawa pull his shirt above his head before his hot hands pushed him back into the mattress, palms rubbing over his now naked chest and stomach. Suga's back arched upwards, following every slightest touch while his mind was going blank and then, next second, filled with all the times Oikawa had been close with him. When his fingers got replaced by greedy lips, kissing a line down from his collarbone to his navel, a helpless moan escaped Suga's mouth.

_I forgive you, of course. Just make sure to never cross me again._

A house with no family. An obsession with volleyball. A teenage boy already overworking himself. All these fake smiles for everyone but him. Vulnerable just for Suga, yet still crushing them on the court without any regret. Offering him drugs and then safety at the same time. Oikawa's tongue licked over his skin, dancing over his lower belly, fingers gently pulling down his pants just an inch but Suga was about to lose his senses, his hips rolled upwards and his hands grabbed for Oikawa's hair, trying to get a hold of his body and mind.

"Who are you?", he wanted to know. He _needed_ to know. Despite everything, he was scared. He had poured so much of himself into this relationship - had Oikawa done the same?

"Whoever you want me to be, Suga-chan", he purred and started to suck on the skin beneath his navel. It stung a bit and again, he was nothing more but melting into the sheets under his touch, moaning with pleasure. He knew Oikawa had no doubts right now, he knew what he wanted - despite everything, he always seemed to know what he wanted. So his answer was probably about the role he should adopt during them making out and not about their relationship. Because this was a new one. Him being on top, taking the lead and Suga letting him.

"I'm gonna miss my bus", Suga objected but he was defenseless.

"Eight minutes, Suga-chan."

"More like four minutes at this point."

"I can make that work."

"Wh-What?"

"Do you want me to?", the sucking stopped and Oikawa rubbed his cheek against his lap before leering up the length of his body, right into Suga's eyes. All the times before he had been underneath him he had been so achingly beautiful, the vulnerable spark in his eyes, the trembling lips and the sweet blush on heated cheeks - now he was neither exposed nor vulnerable. Suga couldn't find any other word to describe him but _sexy_. He swallowed hard, arousal jolting down his spine.

 _Did_ he want him to?

"Clock's ticking", Oikawa teased him, his voice dripping over his skin like honey.

"Oikawa, I-"

The ringing of his phone startled them both. Oikawa pulled it out of Suga's pockets and after reading the name on the display, threw it on the mattress, just out of his reach.

"Who is it?"

"Sawamura", Oikawa rolled his eyes, seemingly annoyed that he had asked. But Suga stretched out his arm and tried picking up. The weight on top of him shifted, as Seijoh's captain held his hips in place with a daring smirk curling his lips. "Call him back", not a suggestion. A demand. And he didn't even bother to wait for his answer but continued to place cozy kisses against his stomach.

His eyes darted to the phone. If Daichi was calling this early it must be something important. He couldn't know yet he had spent the night with Oikawa. After all, he might miss his bus but he was still on time for Daichi. Torn between being a responsible friend and just shutting the outside world out, Suga hovered in a half-up position before another lick of Oikawa's tongue over his hip bone brought him back into the mattress. After a few more prickling seconds of kissing the ringing stopped.

"So? Have you decided how you wanna spend our last four minutes?"

"Two, at max."

"Still manageable."

"Oikawa, wait", he hated himself for pushing his head away from his lap but he simply couldn't let go with so much left unspoken between them. Seijoh's captain frowned, obviously disappointed and crawled back upwards, still lying between his legs and now looking down at him, his fluffy curls dangling right in front of Suga's face. "We didn't talk about our argument."

"Uh, we did. I said I forgive you."

"But you were drunk."

"Now I'm not. Still forgiving you. Aren't I the best boyfriend on the planet?", he giggled.

"Are we?"

"Huh?"

"Boyfriends. Are we a couple?", Suga's hands twitched due to his rising nervousness and knotted into the fabric of Oikawa's sleep shirt. The other one arched a brow, unreadable eyes keeping him in their sight. Then, he leaned down and gave him a playful kiss on the nose.

"If you want that, Suga-chan."

"I d-do. But...do you?"

"Do I?", he repeated his questioning tone and the well-known, teasing smirk appeared on his lips once more. Suga suppressed a frustrated groan inside his throat. Oikawa never got tired of toying with everyone. Not even now. Why couldn't he just leave then? Why was he here, lying underneath him, falling for every subtle grin cast in his direction, eager for every little kiss?

"Stop playing", but apart from Oikawa's silent demands, it was barely a request. Suddenly Suga felt exposed and bare underneath his body. Oikawa's smile fell.

"I'm not playing. If I didn't want you, I would've thrown you out last night."

"Okay."

"Now stop it. You're no fun when you're insecure", Oikawa was about to climb down on him again but Suga grabbed for his jaw one more time, holding him in place. Something didn't sit right with him. This condescending tone he was using with him. He was okay with Oikawa mocking him, he was fine with their banter and his bratty attitude from time to time. But him pitying Suga? No way. It made him feel less. Number two. Second best. He never wanted to be half a person anymore.

"You're a brat", he, therefore, told him right into his face.

"Oh no", Oikawa gasped, mischief in his eyes. "You noticed."

"I don't want this", Suga desperately tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. "All the games you play with everyone all the time. I don't want to be just another one of them. Do you understand that? I know you're so much more than the farce you put up." He had wanted to sound firm to talk some sense into him but with each word leaving his lips, his voice became more of a tremble. His fingers slipped from Oikawa's jaw and landed back on his chest, defeated.

"I understand", was Oikawa's whispered answer and he bent down until their lips were but inches apart. A big hand brushed past Suga's neck, leaving behind a trail of goosebumps before threading into his light-grey hair. "I like you, Suga-chan. I really do."

"I like you, too", a soft smile ghosted over his lips. Briefly, a flutter of hope. "The real you. Do you understand that, too? That you're enough? That the real Oikawa is enough for me?"

Oikawa flinched back, escaping their almost-kiss and a shadow flickered over his face. Long eyelashes blinking rapidly and teeth grinding into his lower lip, Suga wasn't sure what to make of it apart from him wanting to run away, so he wrapped his arms around his upper body, keeping him close. Then, he realized what was going on. A hot and salty tear dropped on Suga's lip and trickled down his cheek, as another one followed close on the corner of his mouth. The tense shoulders of Oikawa sloped in his arms and were heaved by a silent sob.

Suga's hand tried to wipe them away, cupping his cheek, though soon the tears were too much, streaming down Oikawa's face and he pulled back, lacing his fingers behind his neck instead. There was a hot prickle behind his own eyes when he looked into Oikawa's vulnerable, dark eyes he adored so much and Suga bit down his lip until it hurt to hold his own tears back.

"I thought this time we had h-him, you know?", Oikawa blurted out and hid his face against Suga's neck. He found himself gently stroking down his back, humming soothingly just as he had done before on the bathroom floor in Seijoh's gym. "We didn't e-even win a single set. Three y-years in a row. I d-don't have...any more t-time."

Suga was well aware of the irony of this moment. Him wiping away Oikawa's tears after a devastating loss after he had proclaimed loudly he would do the same for him after Karasuno's loss, yet he would never dare to bring it up. It didn't matter. Not anymore. And especially not now. Oikawa was twitching in his arms, sobbing against the hollow of his throat, tears running down Suga's naked shoulders but he didn't care. Gently, he pushed him down so they could lie next to each other instead and Oikawa slid down the sheets to hide his face against his chest. Suga put his leg up around his hip and drew calming little circles with his fingers between Oikawa's shoulder blades.

"I d-don't have any more time left. Just one chance...I've to w-win...I've to beat h-him..."

"You will", Suga promised without realizing what this kind of promise meant.

"I n-need to make it to Nationals. It's everything I w-worked for."

"You are much more than playing volleyball, Oikawa."

The sobs came to an abrupt end when Oikawa sat up on the bed and stared at him with puffy eyes.

"I don't _play_ volleyball. I work my fucking ass off."

And at this moment Suga realized it. That he meant it that way. That all the posters and articles and medals were just one more step towards his goal. That the _mindshards_ had been a tool to keep himself up because he had the feeling everyone was approaching a finish line while he was falling behind. And that volleyball would always be second to none for Oikawa. He also realized what it meant for them. For Aoba Johsai and Karasuno. For new friendships and for them, as a couple.

"Right. Sorry", Suga averted his gaze, thoughts thrashing wildly in his head.

"Is the real me still enough for you?", Oikawa asked, the set of his mouth turning grim.

"Yes", Suga nodded and he meant it. He had made a choice.

"I will make my way to Nationals even if it means you lose."

"I understand."

"Can you still...be with me?", now there was a soft ache in his voice, a wisp of fear. Fear of losing him. Suga grabbed for his face, gently framing it with his palms.

"Yes", he smiled. For no medal in the world would he trade the feeling Oikawa's presence created in his chest. Fluttering. Scorching. All-consuming. He wanted it all. "But don't think I'm gonna make it easy for you."

"Tsk", Oikawa didn't take him seriously. Maybe a warning sign he didn't see yet. Or maybe it was nothing. No, Suga had only eyes for him, for the vulnerable but beautiful face between his hands. "If only you would be at Seijoh. We could train together every day."

"I would never get to play, either", Suga laughed.

"Right", Oikawa's forehead gently thumped against his as he closed his eyes. "But you could be so much better if you would take volleyball more seriously."

"As serious as you?"

"Maybe a little less obsessed."

"At least you can admit it."

"It's all I have", Oikawa shifted back on his legs and averted his gaze, eyes flashing past the barren room. Cluttered with achievements but not with love. It wasn't passion, after all. It was work.

"That's not true."

"Suga-chan", he sighed and it sounded so honest, so pure, it made Suga's heart ache. "Stop."

"Am I embarrassing you?"

Oikawa pouted.

"You have me", he repeated once more and the way Oikawa got all flustered made him light-headed. Suga grabbed for his face again, squeezing his cheeks and they fell over on the mattress, this time with him on top. "You have me and you're enough for me. We are boyfriends."

He poked his finger into Oikawa's cheek until the other one tilted his head, shoulders shaking with laughter while his eyes were still red from crying. Oikawa's hands chased after his but Suga managed to snatch his wrists and pinned them down above his head. They grinned at each other, suddenly overwhelmed by their brilliant smiles. Oikawa laughed and Suga could feel it rumble in his chest.

"We can make this work", Suga promised once more.

"Yeah", Oikawa agreed. "We can."

His phone rang again. This time, Suga was faster than Oikawa and grabbed it before the other one could toss it away. It was Daichi again and in the corner of his eyes, one fast look at the alarm clock on Oikawa's nightstand, Suga saw he definitely wouldn't make it in time back to Karasuno anymore. He stared at the display. But then his eyes darted back to Oikawa, lying underneath him, flashing him the most vivid smile and he rejected the call, pushing the phone under a pillow.

"Suga-chan, are you ignoring daddy's calls and skipping school? Please don't tell me I have a bad influence on you."

"The worst", Suga sighed and leaned down to kiss him. "You better make it worth it."

In the middle of their kiss, their lips spread into a smile and it was the first time they didn't immediately fell into a rush when kissing but rather were taking it slow. And Oikawa's soft chuckle, the real one not the rough one he always used to tease him, was infectious. It tickled his lips, so Suga's mouth pulled into a bright smile, holding back the laughter bucking in his chest.

He didn't even know why they were laughing. They weren't about happiness. They were about desire and power play and naughty texts. About passionate kisses that robbed them of their breaths and whispered dares in each other's ears. But right now, despite being missing his shirt and rolling through the bed with Oikawa, sex was the last thing on his mind.

Suga found himself staring at the way the corner of Oikawa's eyes crinkled when he laughed and how he grabbed for his heart to find it beating fast under his palm whenever their gazes met between flustered giggles. Oikawa raised his head and granted his face with little butterfly-like kisses, dozens of them, from his temple down to his chin, as if he wanted to cover every inch of his skin. The featherlight touch tickled him even more and Suga laughed, trying to escape but it was only a farce. No, he didn't want to escape. He wanted this. Exactly this Oikawa. All to himself.

He wanted to spend mornings in this same bed, waking up in a hug, a loving body next to him, showering him with affection. He made him feel like he was the most desirable person in the world. No more second best. Never again. His heart felt so full. And when Oikawa stopped pressing his lips on his cheek and his thumb swept over them instead in a loving gesture, Suga's heart fluttered in his chest.

He had fallen for him long ago, yes. But this morning, he was falling in love with him.


	32. Asahi - beautiful details

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Asahi finally sees all the details. 
> 
> content notes: referenced suicide attempt, underage sexual content

When he turned into his street painted in the deep orange hue of sunset, Asahi immediately knew something was wrong. Several bikes were tossed in their driveway. He recognized Daichi's and Suga's immediately, on top of them a bright orange bike belonging to no one else but Nishinoya. The front door was open but not in the way his mother sometimes forgot to close it after carrying in groceries, no, wide open and welcoming yet it felt more like something horrible had happened. The way the bicycles were splayed so careless over each other, the way he could peek into an empty floor - an eerie feeling climbed up the back of his neck.

Asahi's steps became more rapid, he rushed inside his house and almost expected to see his mother somewhere on the floor, unconscious or worse but then he heard their voices coming from the living room. They were talking over each other, Daichi was unusually loud and hectic and as Asahi peeked around the corner he saw him standing in the middle of the room, gesturing wildly. Nishinoya was curled up on one end of the sofa, Suga sat in the opposite corner and in between was his mother, Azumane Akemi, putting down a tablet with tea on the coffee table. When she rose again, her eyes caught her son standing around the corner and her worried gaze switched to relief.

With a few swift steps, she had crossed the room and embraced him in a tight hug. She only reached to his chest but her hug was fierce and motherly, so Asahi found himself returning the gesture, his face still a mask of bewilderment. Akemi framed his cheeks with her hands.

"We were so worried, Acchan", she whispered. "Your friends told me you haven't been to school and you didn't return any of our calls. I was afraid it would be like last summer."

Akemi's voice broke and it was like a bucket of cold water flushed over his head. Asahi hugged her closer before letting go and looking at his phone. She was right - he had muted his phone without a second thought so now there were about 30 missed calls and a bunch of messages from her, Daichi and Nishinoya alike.

"I'm fine", he said, clearing his throat so everyone would be able to hear him. "I wasn't fine this morning and needed some time off but I'm okay now."

"Why weren't you at school?"

"I was in Nerima", Asahi replied because it was the only way to answer without letting anybody else but Akemi knowing what it meant. And immediately, his mother caught on and her expression softened, again pulling him into a hug. He could feel the curious eyes of his friends lingering on him, yet he ignored them and made sure Akemi calmed down and was convinced he was alright.

"I'm gonna call the school and tell them you were sick."

"I'm sorry for causing you trouble, mom."

"Acchan, it's okay", she waved her hand dismissively. "I'm gonna think of something. Don't worry about it. But no more skipping. We'll talk about this tomorrow. Now go speak to your friends, they were worried." Akemi gave him a kiss on the cheek before she glid out of the room, upstairs to her office and Asahi found himself a bit lost, looking after her with a warm feeling in his chest. It was so good to have someone around who always understood when the past was haunting him.

"Asahi, what the hell?", Daichi was still on his feet, the set of his mouth turning grim when he looked at his friends. "Where have you been? Why didn't you tell us?"

"Oi, Daichi. Calm down", Suga held up a hand to stop Daichi's starting tirade.

"Shut up, Suga", Daichi wasn't having it. "I've been worried sick all day. Both of you skipping school without a word, not answering any calls at all! Then Nishinoya tells me the truth about the video, seriously, you guys! You need to stop acting like you are the only people on the planet!"

There was a questioning glance towards Suga when Daichi mentioned him skipping school as well and it was met with a slight blush on Suga's cheeks before the setter tilted his head away from them. Nishinoya, however, kept staring at them, eyes darting back and forth, unusually quiet and nervous and avoiding to look at Asahi's face directly. His throat was awfully dry when he swallowed. Asahi didn't know what to say to him. If to say something at all. He was moved he was here, together with his best friends because he had been worried but he was still not able to forgive him.

"Your actions affect others. You can't decide to just disappear in radio silence!"

"It was just a morning and I answered your call eventually."

"Really, Suga? I could've sworn I talked to Oikawa this noon and not you."

"He was faster than me, what can I say-"

"I don't know, maybe a warning that you decided to take this idiot back-"

"He is my boyfriend", Suga spat out and the words came out like a knife cutting through the heated air of the room. All of them turned their heads towards Suga, who was trembling in his seat, eyes glinting and holding Daichi's piercing gaze with the same stubbornness as their captain. "Get used to it."

Nishinoya shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Asahi felt for him. Nobody wanted to cross into a confrontation between Suga and Daichi, ever. It was better to hide out of their line of sight. However, this time it didn't spiral into an argument between the two of them, no, they seemed to both swallow back whatever insults they had on their tongues and instead turned their attention back towards Asahi.

"Asahi, Nishinoya told us about your fight, so when you didn't come to school this morning I was scared. I'm sorry for blowing up your phone but the last time you weren't responding to our messages, you-", Daichi's voice was on the verge of breaking and suddenly, Suga leaned forward on the sofa and grabbed for his wrist. Asahi watched his best friends exchanging a long look, the lines of their faces softening. Then, Asahi realized what he had put them through.

"I'm sorry. It wasn't like last summer. I really just needed a change of perspective."

"What happened last summer?", Nishinoya's question made them flinch. Their libero tilted his head, looking at them with naive honey-eyes and Asahi's stomach twisted, thinking back of last year and the day he had almost thrown it all away. Nishinoya didn't know about that. Nobody but Daichi, Suga and he knew.

"Nothing", he folded his arms to create some more distance, to make sure Nishinoya didn't probe any further and it worked. His shoulders sloped when he noticed Asahi's rejection and the way his mouth turned into a frown hurt him but he couldn't give him what he wanted right now. Nishinoya pushed himself out of his seat, shoving his hands deep in the pockets of his pants.

"I'm glad you're back, Asahi-san. Well, bye then", he said and paced towards the door. Neither of them stopped him. Asahi noticed how he had switched back to calling him Asahi-san almost the same moment he had started to call him Nishinoya in his head and an ache built in his heart as he watched him leave the house.

"Have you talked about it?"

"No", Asahi sat down next to Suga on the sofa and heaved a weary sigh.

"Maybe you should."

"Maybe."

"He really is sorry for what he did."

"I know. I know he didn't mean it that way but it's not that easy..."

"You should talk it out", Daichi insisted and Suga made an affirming noise.

"Mhh", he was glad the two of them stopped arguing but now they were back to being the equivalent of overbearing parents questioning him about his love life and it wasn't what Asahi needed right now. "Again, sorry for putting you through this."

"It's okay", Suga answered immediately, a gentle hand brushing over Asahi's upper arm. He turned to face them and despite them smiling reassuringly, he could see how every muscle in their jaws was tightened and how their eyes avoided to look at him directly.

Asahi didn't like to think back on last year. Especially not the incident that had left a mark on him and his friends. The images were blurry, yet they were capable of ensuing panic in his veins. A dark and roaring sky above him, winds pulling on his clothes and hair, the crushing weight of desperation on his shoulders, forcing him to his knees so all necessary had been him leaning forward to tumble down into the storm and to become nothing more than a memory to his friends.

He hadn't done it, though. Suga and Daichi had been there - he still had no clue how they had found him. But his best friends weren't letting him go. They had dashed towards him, pulled him back from the edge of the roof and they had crashed into a hug lasting through the whole thunderstorm until they were drenched in rain and tears. It had strengthened their bond and the hurting Daichi and Suga had displayed during all of this was what kept him alive, even now, on his darkest days. Asahi wasn't able to talk about it. But he showed them he cared by pulling them into a hug, and he could feel how Suga's shoulders hitched with a suppressed sob.

Never wanted he to see this kind of pain on their faces again.

"I'm sorry", he repeated and now they were both nodding, holding him tight before squeezing together on the same couch even though there were two others to choose from.

"I was in Nerima. We used to live there."

"With your father?"

"Yeah. I didn't know why I went there but it was...well, it was different from what I expected."

He had never told them how his father had locked him in that garden shed but they knew he had been abusive towards Akemi - no details, just hinting it but Suga and Daichi were empathic enough to understand to a degree and to not question any further.

"Did it help? Going there?", Daichi asked, his voice deep and calm, a sound of comfort.

"I don't know", Asahi answered honestly, thinking of Kozume Kenma and his understanding, golden eyes. What a weird boy. Yet, he had been fascinated by him. His presence had been reassuring, a golden curtain drawn between himself and his past, how he had placed himself in front of the garden shed, listening to his concerns and his song. "I think it did."

"Do you want us to cook something together?"

"Or we could go for a run?"

"Or watch your favourite movie?"

"Guys", Asahi couldn't help but smile. "I'm doing fine, you can calm down. I would rather hear about Suga skipping school", he changed the subject into something brighter, he hoped. Daichi and Suga both pulled a face - while Daichi immediately seemed extremely annoyed, Suga looked like he was chewing on a lemon and it made Asahi chuckle.

"Well", Suga dragged the word longer than necessary, squirming visibly. "Since Oikawa was found innocent in the video-incident I went to his apartment last night to apologize to him and accidentally crashed Seijoh's pity-party."

"Wait, what?!", Asahi and Daichi gasped in unison. And so Suga told them about the whole team of Seijoh partying in Oikawa's apartment, playing videogames and drinking beer and apparently being nice to Suga and about Oikawa being whiny and hungover but forgiving in the end.

"So you are like...official now?", Asahi asked and couldn't hide the surprise in his tone. It still seemed surreal that their sweet Suga was going out with that pompous asshole Oikawa - but whenever Suga talked about him he got excited and jittery and it reminded Asahi of the way he felt whenever he looked at Nishinoya, so he could relate. However, Daichi still didn't seem too happy about it.

"Yes. Officially boyfriends", Suga beamed.

"Congrats", Daichi said with gritting teeth and Asahi smiled. He would get used to it eventually. Also, Daichi's protective demeanour was kind of adorable. Though, Suga didn't seem to appreciate it. They exchanged another long look but then decided to settle for a ceasefire.

"Alright, I'm gonna take a shower. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Promise!", he was quick to add when he saw his friends worried faces. When he got up, Daichi grabbed his arm.

"Uhm, Asahi. About your fight with Nishino-"

"Daichi, really, I appreciate your concern but I need some more time."

"No, uh- well, Nishinoya left a surprise for you. An apology? I don't know, he was a bit secretive about it..."

"A surprise?", Asahi arched a brow. He had no clue what Daichi was trying to say.

"Yes. In your room. When we were waiting for you to come back."

"Uh-huh."

"So, maybe you can make up again?"

"Maybe", Asahi nodded, unsure what to make of this situation. He could feel the nerves roiling in his stomach when he saw his friends off at the door and then went up the stairs. What kind of surprise would Nishinoya leave for him? He had been so quiet earlier and had left quickly, so Asahi wasn't even sure where they stood right now.

When he reached his door, something bright pinned on the door handle caught his attention. Asahi picked up the orange sticky note placed on the handle and read Nishinoya's messy handwriting.

_15\. Your honesty_

Confused Asahi stared at the words, then at the number. Was this the surprise? What was that supposed to mean? He opened his door and froze on the threshold when he saw his room covered in sticky notes on the weirdest places. Asahi closed the door behind him and approached the ones stuck at his mirror.

_4\. Your muscles_

_10\. Your broad shoulders_

_13\. Your athletic body._

Each of the points written down on a colourful sticky note all over his mirror. Asahi watched his reflection, slowly realizing what he was looking at and his heart started pounding wildly in his chest. He suddenly remembered Nishinoya's promise from the day he had kissed him for the first time.

_"I'm gonna make you a list, so you'll never forget about all the details that make you wonderful."_

With a few long steps, he was at his window and pulled down the notes sticking to the windowsill and the glass letting in the last rays of sunshine of the day.

_3\. The dimples in your cheeks when you laugh_

_18\. Your whisper in my ear._

Asahi's lips parted with a small puff of air, heat creeping up his neck and settling on his cheeks. Noya had made a list. A list of reasons why he thought Asahi was wonderful. And it was a list how only Noya could make it. Not on a single piece of paper, not in order - no. A storm whirling through, putting his thoughts all over the place, sticking them down for Asahi to find on a whim. He pictured him twirling around his room, a slight blush on his nose, the blonde tuft in his forehead wobbling because he rushed through too fast and Asahi's eyes landed on the collection of polaroid pictures on the wall.

_11\. Your creativity_

Was written on a sticky note between the pictures and Asahi let it stay there. With trembling fingertips he put the other notes back to where he had found them, stopping in front of his mirror and watching himself. _Broad shoulders. Muscles. Athletic body._ Asahi touched his shoulder, tracing the outline of it down to the biceps hidden underneath his shirt and swallowed.

He had always been scared Noya wouldn't like his character but never had thought about him being attracted to his body. Weirdly enough, since Asahi adored the way the muscles flexed in Noya's thighs when his hands skimmed over his legs, yet it made him flustered. He had never seen himself as attractive - he was just, well, Asahi.

A sudden thought entering his head, he rushed towards his bathroom, where Noya had once stolen his hairbrush from. And when he arrived, he immediately saw the sticky note put down on the handle of the brush.

_2\. Your soft hair_

An overwhelming feeling seared through his bones; it was familiar, he had carried it around a long time before he had even confessed to Noya. It was a lightning bolt striking his heart, a gust of wind robbing his breath, a summer storm sweeping away his soul.

Asahi found himself darting through his rooms, cheeks flushed and breath coming shallow, a jolt of excitement sparking through his spine and a brilliant smile plastered on his lips as he looked for more and more notes until he was sure he had found them all.

 _5\. Your scent_ \- stuck to a bottle of his shampoo.

 _7\. Your singing voice_ \- between the guitar notes on his desk.

 _14\. Your gentleness_ \- hidden between his favourite books.

 _20\. Your honest way of loving_ \- finally, on his pillow.

Asahi tumbled on his bed, tears forming in his eyes, and pressed the last note close to his chest, staring at the ceiling without really seeing it. No, there was nothing but Noya on his mind, sitting in his lap and promising him how wonderful he was, puffing up his cheeks and nuzzling their noses against each other. He bit his lower lip, trying to contain a sigh but it escaped nonetheless and Asahi dragged the back of his hand over his burning eyes.

"I love you", he told the picture of Noya in his mind. "I love you. I love you. I love you."

A mantra filling up the room, switching from a breathless whisper to a softly hummed melody and leaving behind goosebumps on his arms. Asahi grabbed for his phone and stared at Noya's name in his contacts, unsure how to proceed. They were bad with words, after all.

Despite his doubts, he called him. Nervously, he rolled over on his stomach, watching the sticky note on his pillow and loosening his hairband, so strands of thick hair cascaded down his shoulder, like a reassuring pat on the back.

"Hey", there was a tremor in his sweet voice. He was nervous. As was Asahi.

"Hey. I found your list."

Silence. Asahi restlessly twirled a wisp of hair around his finger.

"Did you...like it?", Noya finally asked, his tone still trembling.

"Yes. Of course. I love it."

"Oh. Oh, good!", Asahi heard something ruffling on the other end as if Noya was pushing away a blanket and getting more comfortable. Immediately, the image of Noya lying on his mattress the same way as he came to mind. "I know we argued but I promised you the list, so I thought...well, I thought I would bring it over."

"I'm glad you did."

"Yeah."

It was weird talking to him on the phone, where he wasn't able to see him reacting to his words, where he couldn't read the lively expressions of his face and the gleam in his eyes. Again a few seconds of silence hang between them, both unsure how to proceed.

"I'm so sorry for what I did, Asahi."

"Stop it", Asahi said unusually sharp and he was reminded of the day where he had been jogging up the mountain with Noya for the first time. He also remembered his exact words, so he repeated them. "Stop apologizing. I forgive you."

He heard how Noya inhaled deeply and again, the rustling of sheets.

"What are you doing?"

"Climbing into bed."

" _Climbing_?"

"Bunk bed."

"Oh", now the picture of their libero switched into Noya crawling into a bunk bed while wearing his red oversized sleep shirt and short black pants, the clothes he had worn during their training camp. Asahi stroke gently over the sticky note on his pillow before brushing it aside and putting his head down instead. "I'm lying next to number twenty."

A nervous cough came through his phone. He probably was blushing.

" _Your honest way of loving_. What do you mean by that?"

"Uh, well...", Noya tried to wiggle out of his answer but Asahi remained silent, so after a few seconds, he gave up with a nervous groan. "You told me so many times how you feel. And you always speak straight out of your heart. I...like...that."

"I love you", Asahi whispered, clutching his phone close to his ear.

"Asahi", there it was again. The sweet gasp escaping his lips, a flustered Noya, too shy to answer the same yet this was the first time Asahi was sure he felt it too. He didn't need to say it. He knew it because of the mess his room was right now, covered in a wild and chaotic declaration of love only Noya could make.

"Was it hard to come up with all this stuff?"

"No. I've like 50 more notes lying around here. You'll get them if you doubt yourself again."

"It's weird. When I stood in front of the mirror I couldn't believe your words."

"Why?"

"Because I don't see myself that way", Asahi closed his eyes when the heat consumed his whole body, his leg twitching nervously. "Do you remember what you wrote?"

"Your muscles. Your shoulders. Your body", Noya answered in an instant and there was a shift in his voice, no longer shy but accompanied by rapid breathing. "Of course I remember."

"You think I'm athletic."

"Obviously. You work out every day."

"Yes, but...", Asahi couldn't finish his sentence. Restless, he rolled on his back, staring at his ceiling again. It had gotten dark in his room, the sun was gone. His hand found his way to his chest, skimming over his heartbeat, feeling it pulse in his body. "But you think it's nice to look at?"

"Asahi", there was a spark of energy in his tone - Noya was back to scolding him playfully. "You have a mirror. Look inside. Tell me I'm wrong, I dare you."

Seconds later he was standing in front of his mirror in the dim light of his room. He read over the notes stuck to it and brushed back a strand of hair out of his pale face, still holding the phone to his ear: "I don't know", he said, watching his nervous reflection.

"It's because you don't look at the little details."

"Little...details? Like you did with the dog when you were a child?"

"Hmm. The way this one strand of hair falls back into your face whenever you brush it behind your ear because it's too short", just as he said it, mentioned hair strand fell back into Asahi's eyes causing him to laugh in disbelief. "Your dimples cutting into your cheeks when you laugh."

"I see", Asahi answered, his voice husky.

"Your stubble. It tickles me when we kiss. Gives me goosebumps."

Asahi's hand traced above his stubbly cheek and goosebumps skittered down his neck.

"The muscles in your arms. Especially the right one. They twitch and tense when you spike", was he imagining it or was Noya sounding just as nervous? Asahi's fingers wandered down to his right arm holding the phone, brushing over his defined biceps. He tilted his head, a frown appearing on his face.

"Wait a moment", he put the phone down and got rid of his shirt, turning sideways to look in the mirror and flexing his arm. Watched how the muscles sketched over his skin, even visibly in the dim light. Asahi felt himself blushing when he realized what he was doing. Posing like some kind of model. Embarrassed, he picked the phone back up. "I see", he repeated, heart thudding heavily.

"Your abs", Noya said, his voice a mixture of nervous laughter and breathless gasp.

"You have been spying on me", Asahi's lips tugged into a smile but it dropped quickly when his fingers traced along the muscles of his stomach in front of the mirror. Apart from under the shower, he never touched himself there. Fingertips were replaced by his palm firmly pressing against his muscles, trailing down to his hip.

"Maybe. I mean, the club room is small. Where else should I look?", he could hear the grin in Noya's words but there was more to it. It reminded Asahi of the music Noya had made when they had been alone at their hiding spot. A puffed moan. A body shifting.

"What are you doing?", he asked, his own hand slipping past his shorts, touching the button of his boxers, twisting it between agitated fingers.

"What are you doing?", Noya asked back, not teasingly but out of breath and on edge. Restless. Twitching. Just as he had in his arms. Back pressed against his body, a hot hand guiding him up to his leg. Asahi felt himself becoming hard under his palm and his answer was a rough groan causing Noya's breath to become more shallow.

"What else?", Asahi pulled on the waistband of his shorts, so pants and underwear fell down to his ankles. "What else should I look at?"

He could hear how Noya put the phone away, just a second and there was the familiar ruffling of clothes being stripped off paired with another delicate, sweet moan. The thoughts in Asahi's head tumbled, flashes of Noya naked on his mattress, his hand trailing down to the centre of his body, past his sturdy thighs and then further up. Within seconds, he was back on the phone, his voice shaking with this alluring tremble he had shown him before.

"Your legs", Noya whispered and Asahi's fingers followed along, brushing over his knee, shyly, then his thighs, firmer. Just as he liked touching Noya's thighs, grasping it with his long fingers, applying a bit more pressure, imagining Noya straddling his lap while they lay in the grass together.

"Higher", Noya pled as if he was able to see him. Asahi's fist tightened around his phone when his fingers stroked over the inner side of his thigh. He could sense the muscles twitching in anticipation. It was surreal. The way he was standing naked in front of his mirror, forcing himself to stare at his body for the first time while his hand wandered further up before finally reaching the centre, where all the heat and all the lust was stored since Noya had started talking like this.

Asahi moaned, almost dropping the phone when he gripped around the base of his member and although he couldn't see him, he knew Noya was doing the same. He knew because he was making the same music he had done before, his breath coming in little bursts, his voice trembling, trying to form words but then settling on a sensual moan of his name.

" _Asahi_."

And while the movement of his hand picked up the pace, in the same rhythm with Noya's breathing on the other end of the phone, Asahi watched himself in the dim light of his room, saw his muscles flexing under smooth skin, his abs tensing as his hips jolted into his hand, his hair falling in his face, brushing against a defined and sharp jaw, saw himself but with lust in his eyes and passion in every fibre of his being and for the first time he believed Noya. For the first time he saw himself like Noya saw him and yes, he was beautiful.

But then the picture got swept away by Noya's moans, so intense he could sense the muscles in his jaw flinching because he was trying to hold back some more, just as he had tried before when it had been Asahi's hand pushing him over the edge. He remembered the way Noya's body had lost control in his arms, rubbing against his lap and clenching tightly around his hand and Asahi suddenly had trouble to keep up straight.

"Come", he panted, the heat almost unbearable. "Don't hold back, Noya."

"Asahi", there was another breathless moan and Asahi knew he would never get tired of hearing his name this way. So sensual, so hot, like Noya's lips pressing against his, his tongue tickling his mouth and his jawline and his neck and then further down. Asahi tossed back his head, his hand moving faster around his pulsing member, picturing Noya's tongue licking down his chest, his stomach, deeper, between his legs, kneeling in front of him and taking in every inch of him with eager lips - he couldn't hear Noya anymore because the blood pounded too loud in his ears, as his hips jerked forward one last time and he came into his hot palm with a muffled groan of Noya's name.

Their breathing adapted the same rhythm, Noya simply lying still on his bed, Asahi standing in front of his mirror, looking at his reflection with hazy eyes, wishing for nothing more but being close to him right now, to hold him tight, to kiss away his senses.

"Are you still looking?", Noya finally asked, catching his breath.

"Yes", Asahi nodded, forgetting Noya wasn't present. In his mind, he was. Standing in front of him so he could put his arms around his naked and sweaty body, inhaling his scent and hugging him tightly.

"Do you see it?"

This annoying hair strand falling back into his face over and over again. The little dimple appearing between his stubble as he smiled at Noya's words. The muscles in his arms twitching as he clutched his fingers around the phone. The dip of his waist below his ribs. The hazy glisten in his eyes, satisfied, elated. Beautiful little details. All of them.

"I do."


	33. Kuroo - what if

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a heart gets broken.

Kuroo had placed his cheek on Yaku's naked thigh while the dark crawled in on the wooden floors. They were splayed out on Yaku's bed. Obsidian eyes darted up to Yaku's lap. He had softened but he could still taste him on the back of his tongue. Kuroo swallowed, lips wet and red from his efforts to push their libero over the edge, the muscles of his jaw clenching. Lazy fingertips found their way into Kuroo's wild, black mane of hair causing him to close his eyes and relax his tense muscles. Yaku was almost dozing off after Kuroo had teased him for over an hour, turning him into a panting and wheezing mess underneath his tongue.

"Your turn", his tired voice danced down to Kuroo lying between his legs.

Kuroo chuckled against the sensitive skin of his thigh, a vibrating sound that made Yaku twitch and react more intense than usual because after their sex his body felt raw and delicate alike.

"I'm fine", he said, drawing invisible figures on the inner side of Yaku's thigh until the libero pushed his hand away, too sensitive to be touched right now. "Also you sound like you are about to pass out."

"Shut up", Yaku scoffed but it was a weak attempt of his usually bossy attitude. He pulled on Kuroo's roots and after a while, he gave up and climbed upwards, so it was Yaku who had to look up to him now, while Kuroo supported his weight with his elbow. Unlike Yaku, he was still wearing his red joggers, though no more shirt, which Yaku used as an opportunity to brush over his naked chest with his hand, slow and heavy. "You know, it doesn't always have to be only me."

Kuroo frowned at his words.

Over the course of the last months, it had been mostly him pleasing Yaku, after training or at Yaku's home during the weekend. Kuroo found satisfaction in kissing him until he lost his senses, be it his mouth or his cock, he wanted Yaku to lose himself until he wasn't able to form any coherent words anymore and just cursed up to the ceiling in a mixture of sweet agony and pure bliss. Everything to put him onto this cloud of mellow exhaustion. Most of the time, they left it at that. Sometimes, Yaku wanted to return the favour and sometimes Kuroo wanted to experience it, too. But not today.

He had been feeling off since this morning. It wasn't a good day. It was one of those, where he couldn't stand looking in the mirror without having his stomach twist with aversion. Yaku didn't notice. His hazel eyes were hazy as they lingered on his face. A palm brushed along Kuroo's jawline, a thumb sweeping over his lower lip and pulling it down. Kuroo swallowed hard. He grabbed for his hand and laced their fingers but the moment he did, he regretted it. The gesture felt way too intimate. As if a spark of electricity had bolted through their point of contact, Kuroo yanked his hand away.

It wasn't surprising. In fact, it had been loudly announced. Through subtle gestures - ruffling his hair, reaching for his hand, stroking his cheek - and, if Kuroo was honest to himself, through words, too. Maybe Yaku was right and he was painfully oblivious. But he knew it now. Now, when it was too late to get out of it without hurting anyone. He had been convinced he knew better. That they would be fine in the end because they were friends. That nothing would change between them. Friends having sex, nothing more, because, of course, this always worked out fine, right?

Yet Kuroo felt more and more guilty each time he crawled down on Yaku, each time his lips pressed against his naked skin. Although it had started as an affair to blow off some steam, their balance was distorted. Yaku sat up, hugging his pillow to cover his naked lap and watched him. Kuroo noticed the slight shimmer inside his eyes and swallowed down a sigh.

Fuck, he hated when his friends were heartbroken. And he hated it even more to be the cause of it. So Kuroo ignored his repulsion and leaned in for a kiss. His fingers buried into Yaku's short hair, scraping over his head until the other one winced in surprise and his tongue pushed into his mouth, desperate and rough. While they were used to a wilder pace, Kuroo knew he was pushing it right now. But he needed to. He couldn't stand his sweet, loving gaze, couldn't bear to be looked at like that when the hatred for himself was so overwhelming.

The pillow slipped aside and Yaku threw his arms around his neck. Kuroo pulled him onto his lap, arousal darting down his spine as soon as Yaku ground against hips. They kissed hard until Yaku bit down his lip, and then his chin and his neck and Kuroo was left to stare at the ceiling, his body responding to the libero's touch in a rush. He closed his eyes, tried to focus on Yaku's mouth and the hands stripping off his pants. Once he had pulled down the waistband of his joggers, Yaku hesitated for a second and this second broke him.

Yaku tried to gloss over his hesitation by kissing his left thigh but Kuroo knew all too well what had taken him aback. He peeked through his long lashes. His pants were wrapped around his ankles, Yaku was kneeling between his legs but it was the dark ugly scar running from his navel to the inner side of his right thigh that caught his attention. It always did. The abhorrent mass of scar tissue gnawing a chasm over his muscular stomach and legs in a way darker shade, so it was impossible to look away. Yaku looked up at him and just then Kuroo noticed he had scoffed with disgust.

"Do you want me to turn off the lights?"

Kuroo flinched.

Even though he knew Yaku had meant it in a supportive way, the question hurt. He drew in his legs and scrambled for his pants to cover himself. Yaku's hand grabbed his wrist, holding him in place.

"Wait. I don't care."

" _I care_ ", and he hated himself for caring _so much_. Kuroo yanked his hand away and pulled his pants back up - any lust was gone, he just wanted to shower. "I'm gonna leave."

"Kuroo", Yaku didn't waver. Again, his fingers curled around Kuroo's wrists, keeping him from leaving. Their gazes met and Kuroo felt the anger fueling in his stomach, knowing if he didn't hold back he would say something he would utterly regret. He bit down his tongue until the taste of metal flooded his mouth. "Please stop running away from me."

"I'm not _running_ ", he spat out. "I just don't wanna fuck right now."

Yaku visibly recoiled, his grip becoming weaker.

"D-Don't talk like that."

Kuroo saw how his shoulders sloped, how a shadow cast over his face, the one that always had this bratty, challenging expression - now it seemed shattered. This was his doing. Kuroo's heart ached but at the same time he knew, if he wouldn't say it now he would say it never. So he couldn't back down. Even if it meant hurting his friend.

"It's what we do, isn't it? Why should I call it anything else?"

He hoped his sharp tone would breathe back the life into Yaku again, he hoped he would become angry at him, scream at him, throw him out but Yaku did nothing of that. The smaller one had hidden behind his pillow once more, his fingertips grinding deep into the cushion.

"We are more than that."

Fuck, he hated everything about this. He hated how his hazel eyes filled with tears and how a silent sob heaved his shoulders, how he looked at him with a loving glance despite Kuroo being nothing but horrible to him and to himself. Kuroo swung his legs out of the bed and looked for his shirt. Once he had turned his back towards him, the silent sob turned into one that echoed through the room. The heaviness twisting Kuroo's heart was unbearable.

"We are not", he said and tried to focus on getting dressed. Yaku didn't respond. Kuroo avoided another glance towards the bed as he scrambled his backpack up from the floor. When he walked past Yaku's wardrobe, the mirror on the door caught his attention. Kuroo eyed his reflection. Pale face, red lips, hair all messed up. He wanted to punch this boy so bad.

"It's because of Kenma, isn't it?", Yaku wasn't looking at him - he saw him in the mirror, saw him hiding his face in his hands, the pillow pressed close to his chest by his legs.

Kuroo stared back at his reflection as if it would know the answer to the question.

He straightened the hem of his shirt, his fingers brushing along the scar now hidden beneath the dark fabric. So ugly. Disgusting. Kuroo clenched his jaw. He didn't have an answer for Yaku. Neither he nor the boy in the mirror.

"It's over."

He turned his back on his reflection and left the room.

Kuroo Tetsurō could never escape his reflection, though. Whenever he walked past a mirror or a shop window, even now, on his way home through the city, his head nudged to the side, catching a glimpse of the person looking back at him in the glass. A lot of people called him cocky for this behaviour, especially at school. Narcissistic, even. Kuroo didn't study his reflection to admire himself. No, his gaze lingered on the messy hair, unable to tame no matter how hard he tried, on his face, aloof and unapproachable even when he smiled because his mouth was slightly asymmetrical so every genuine smile came across as a sly smirk. And when he wasn't wearing clothes it lingered on the horrible scar crossing through his lower body, making it impossible to be proud of the muscles he had obtained through a healthy diet and volleyball.

While Kenma was aware of all the people looking at his best friend with flustered faces, Kuroo only saw them whispering, judging him. And he couldn't even be mad at them because he knew what they saw, too. Kuroo had no clue his self-portrait was distorted. Kuroo thought himself ugly and unapproachable, sleazy, although he wanted to be reliable. Which was why he could satisfy Yaku but Yaku shouldn't touch him. Because most of the days it made him feel sick.

He took the long route home, avoiding the cramped train during rush hour. His fingers shoved deep into his pockets, his thoughts tumbled wildly in his head. He was a horrible friend. He owed Yaku an apology. He owed him an explanation, too. But instead, he had decided to go for a clean cut - as if they were strangers and not friends. Kuroo bit down his lip, nausea roiling in his stomach.

Would Yaku be able to forgive him?

He thought of his last words and his steps became firmer on the asphalt until they hurt in his jaw because it was so rigid. Was it about Kenma? He didn't know. He really didn't. He loved Kenma, that much he knew. In another way than he loved everybody else. Because for Kenma his appearance didn't matter, never had. Because for Kenma all of Kuroo's quirks were a given and not something to change. Kuroo's thoughts trailed back to the day he had kissed Kenma's hand. Even now he had no clue why he had done it. It just had felt right.

Kuroo sighed. That was not a satisfying explanation at all.

He was so tired. Exhausted, even. Exhausted by all these feelings eating him alive. When he turned into his street, his eyes darted up to Kenma's window. The lights were still on. He was probably playing videogames as he usually did all weekend, yet Kuroo didn't want to be alone with his thoughts, so instead of going home, he walked into the house of his best friend.

Somehow he felt guilty when he knocked at the door of Kenma's room. As if he was betraying Yaku although they weren't a couple and he had just told him it was over. Yet, he still could feel his taste on his lips. Kuroo tried to brush it away, this eerie feeling of disgust towards himself - no matter what he did, never good enough for his own judgement.

Kenma hadn't said anything when he knocked but Kuroo opened the door regardless because when Kenma didn't want to see anyone, it was usually locked or he was getting yelled at from the other side of the door. His best friend was sitting on his desk in front of his laptop, big headphones on his head, legs crossed and next to him two cans of energy drink.

"You're gonna lose all your teeth if you keep drinking this shit", Kuroo said, picking up one of the empty cans and throwing it away. Kenma looked up to him, golden eyes widening when he saw him but not seeming surprised. He stopped the music and put down his headphones. "What are you doing?"

Kenma didn't respond. He rolled back in his chair so Kuroo got a better view at the screen. A deep furrow appeared between his brows as he realized what he was looking at.

"Is that our garden?"

Kenma nodded.

"Wait, did you film this?"

Kenma nodded.

"What for?"

Kenma plugged out his big headphones and started to scramble for his phone, taking the in-ear headphones out of it and plugging them into the laptop. Kuroo got on his knees and placed his arms on the desk. Kenma held one of the ear buds over to him.

"Did you suddenly become mute?", Kuroo arched a brow but took the ear bud regardless. They both pushed them into their ears and Kenma started **["the video"](https://youtu.be/HKFIahkMMWI)** he apparently had been working on.

_I look for you  
Every day  
Every night  
I close my eyes  
From the fear  
From the light_

Shots of their street in the evening sun, orange and red lines crawling through the sky, fireflies appearing in the bushes on the sidewalk. The cherry trees of their garden, in full bloom. Individual blossoms dancing with the wind. The train station. People walking across the street. Couples holding hands. Umbrellas being opened when the first rain started to fall. Street lamps turning on. Kenma's feet walking home. Crossing a puddle. Walking into it. Raindrops splashing. Back to the cherry trees.

_Pink lemonade sipping on a Sunday  
Couples holding hands on a runway  
They're all posing in a picture frame whilst my world's crashing down  
Solo shadow on a sidewalk  
Just want somebody to die for_

All accompanied by a beautiful singing voice, one that appeared familiar yet Kuroo couldn't pinpoint where he had heard it before. It sounded hurt, almost. Yet the melancholic melody embraced him, causing goosebumps to skitter all over his body. Kuroo found himself pressing the earpiece closer to his ear. His eyes wandered to Kenma and to his surprise, he was looking right back at him.

_I long for you  
Just a touch  
Of your hand  
You don't leave my mind  
Lonely days I'm feeling  
Like a fool for dreaming_

Now he knew who was singing. Azumane-san. It had taken him a while to realize because his voice sounded so much more intense, so much more hurt than in the other song. Still, it was beautiful. He scanned the video for him but there was not a single face visible. Just people being filmed from behind, frames of Kenma's shoes walking home and the nature of their neighbourhood. The song came to an end.

"Do you like it?", Kenma asked and he sounded unusually nervous.

"It's amazing."

Kenma nodded once more and wanted to pause the video but Kuroo grabbed for his wrist. With the other hand, he unplugged the earphones, so Azumane's voice could be heard in the room. He clicked on repeat. He had no clue how Kenma had gotten this song and why he was making a video for it - but it seemed to be a project he had poured his heart into, the way he watched his reaction nervously and squirmed on his seat. So he would listen to it again. And again.

"Why did you make it?", Kuroo finally asked when they were half-way through to listening to it for the third time. His curiosity had gotten the better of him. He was still kneeling next to Kenma, arms placed on the desk so he could bed his cheek on top. Kenma drew in his legs and cleared his throat. After a few more seconds filled with Azumane's singing, the curtain of golden hair got brushed away by a pale hand.

"I'm in love with you, Kuro."

_Solo shadow on a sidewalk  
Just want somebody to die for_

He expected him to look away in a streak of sudden embarrassment, to hide back behind his hair or to blush but Kenma did none of that. He held his gaze, his golden eyes taking in his face and his mouth turning into a somewhat defeated smile. Not because he was ashamed but because he had admitted the truth. Finally.

There was a glowing warmth forming in his chest. Not the forceful heat that captured him whenever he and Yaku were in a rush, needy to touch each other, no. This one was different. It was a piece of the warm feeling he always had when he spent time with Kenma, just more intense. Engulfing his whole heart, streaming down his body and into his mind. Kenma's confession wasn't a surprise. They had always known, somehow. They were Kenma and Kuroo, two pieces of the same puzzle, not separated anymore.

While Kuroo had been scared of how their friendship would change once one of them dared to speak the truth, now he wasn't scared at all. He reached for Kenma's hand, his thumb sweeping over his knuckles and then shifted his chair, so he was facing him and not the laptop anymore. Kuroo was still kneeling in front of him, pressing his lips against his hand once more.

He always wanted to ride this wave of passion, the heat, the lust - the emotions that were able to tear away his self-loathing and all the doubts but not with Kenma. So right now nothing else felt right but this subtle gesture. He could hear him gasp. A little puff of air escaping his lips while Azumane's song was still dancing into their ears on repeat. Kuroo lifted his head and laced their fingers. This time the gesture didn't feel too intimate at all. It just felt right.

"I love you, too", _always have_ , he added in his head.

The grip of Kenma's fingers around his got tighter. They pressed their palms against each other, Kuroo's feeling on fire, Kenma's almost icy from all the time he had spent in front of his laptop. When Kuroo brushed the back of his hand with his fingers, he felt the heat slowly creeping back into Kenma's palm.

"But I'm different", Kenma stared a few inches past Kuroo's right ear, red spots appearing on his neck, a sign of nervousness Kuroo was all too familiar with.

"I know", he answered immediately. He didn't want Kenma to doubt himself. Of course, he was different. Only a fool wouldn't see that. But that was why they worked.

"No...I mean, the things you do with Yaku...I don't...wanna do them right now."

"Me neither", Kuroo hastened to say because _right now_ it was true. He thought of Yaku on top of him, Yaku kissing him while he wanted nothing but escape, Yaku seeing his scar and squirming with disgust. He didn't want any of that anymore. Kuroo squeezed Kenma's hand tighter and was met with a startled stare.

"Kuro", he sighed. "I might never wanna do them."

"Okay."

" _Kuro_. How can you agree so quickly?"

"You just told me you love me."

"But what if we don't work out?"

"But what if we do?"

Kenma swallowed down a stubborn reply when he took in the look on Kuroo's face. Knowing Kenma, he had probably dwelled on this for ages. While he was there to overanalyze everything, Kuroo didn't want any doubts anymore. He wanted to finally stop thinking and to just feel what was right. And there had never been anything feeling more right than spending time with Kenma.

"What if we do?", Kenma echoed.

Kuroo grinned.

"Stop thinking so much. Love is about feeling only."

Kenma pulled a face: "Is it?"

"Yeah. Sure! That's why it's called love", Kuroo was riding on a wave of euphoria - his best friend had just admitted he was in love with him and he was feeling the same, he couldn't understand why Kenma's face was still so serious, why he still seemed to have doubts when they finally had both admitted the truth. So he got up and twirled him around his chair. Kenma squealed in surprise until Kuroo stopped the chair so he was facing his desk again. Standing behind him, he leaned forward and looked down at him.

"Now tell me why you've become a music producer for Karasuno's ace."

"Just like that?", Kenma tossed his head back and glimpsed up to him. The way his eyebrows arched upwards and his long, golden eyelashes fluttered made Kuroo light-headed. He had always thought of Kenma as pretty - he could admit it without being embarrassed, just like you admired beautiful people from afar and didn't pay them any mind. He had always hold back to probe into this feeling any further but at this moment he didn't hold back so Kenma's beauty struck him right into the chest.

Bright eyelashes, long and delicate, big golden eyes to match them, most of the time looking irritated like he was right now, cat-like, narrow pupils studying him with scepticism but trust alike. A cute little button nose, seemingly out of place in his usual serious face but it only made him cuter. Narrow lips now curling into a frown, apparently still not ready to accept Kuroo's words.

"Just like that", he, therefore, nodded, still looming over him. Kuroo's finger poked against the tip of Kenma's nose, grinning. "Or do you want me to get on my knees again? A proposal for the prince?"

"Shut up", Kenma groaned and stared back at his laptop. He paused the video and Azumane's voice stopped. A chuckle rose in Kuroo's throat but he decided it was enough teasing for the day and swallowed it down.

When he was with Kenma, Kuroo was a master in suppressing everything that was bugging him. He could easily push the image of a heartbroken Yaku away and he could also ignore any repulsion he had towards his body because whenever he entered this room those things didn't matter. Probably not the healthiest way to cope but for now, Kuroo wouldn't have it any other way. So he put his hands on the armrests of Kenma's chair and followed his gaze at the screen.

"When you showed me Asahi's song, the first one, it somehow made me realize that I love you", Kenma mumbled, avoiding to look at him. "And then I met Asahi in front of your house."

"You what?"

"Apparently he used to live there. I think he has made some bad memories in the garden. Either way, we went there and talked a bit - then he played this song. And I recorded it. I don't know why, it probably was inappropriate but...but I couldn't let it disappear, you know? It's stupid."

"It's not."

"Yes, it is. You told me someone uploaded the video of his first song and he was humiliated. I did the same, I recorded it despite him knowing and then I made this clip to go along with the song because...because I feel like everybody should hear it."

"Everybody should...hear it?"

Finally, Kenma tilted his head back to look at him again.

"If it could help me to learn about myself, I thought it would help others, too."

Sometimes the way Kenma's brain worked really bewildered him.

"But he hated that people could look at him during the first song, so I thought I would make a video to go along with it instead. Do you...think I should send him the file?"

"You put so much work into it, why not?"

"What if he gets mad at me?"

"Since when do you care?", Kuroo asked but then his eyes got wide when he saw how something soft flickered over Kenma's face. "Kenma, are you trying to make friends?", he teased.

"Shut up", Kenma grumbled once more. "I kind of like him."

"Send it to him. As long as you don't publish it without his permission, I'm sure he won't mind."

"Okay", he said but didn't make any moves to actually do so. A smile appeared on Kuroo's face, crooked and sly because this was how he smiled but it had never been so genuine before. He knew Kenma would follow his advice once he was gone. "What do we do now?"

"Whatever you want to do."

Kenma seemed to think about his answer really hard and Kuroo swallowed down the urge to ask more questions because they kind of felt out of place. After a while his best friend - his boyfriend? - got up from his chair and approached him, his golden eyes set on Kuroo's chest.

"I'd like to play Monster Hunter with you", he finally whispered, a slight blush blossoming on the back of his nose. Kuroo's heart was pounding heavily in his chest.

"Monster Hunter it is", he grinned and walked over to the console next to Kenma's bed.


	34. Suga - break the fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which someone needs to break the fall.
> 
> content notes: underage drug use

A drop of sweat ran down Suga's neck and trailed underneath his shirt. He tilted his chin up and brushed a drenched hair strand out of his forehead. His fingers reached for the net in front of him, spreading them through one mesh each, a daring smirk playing on his lips. Oikawa, on the other side, lifted his hand, his palm brushing past his fingertips with a featherlight touch.

"Suga-chan, you look exhausted. You sure, you can manage another set?"

"Oikawa, you look distracted. You sure, you can keep your focus?"

His hand disappeared from the net and wandered to his shirt covered in the yellow sports bib they usually wore for their practice matches. Two fingers pulled on the collar, revealing his clavicle. Oikawa's eyes narrowed, the corner of his mouth twitching. Suga exhaled an exaggerated sigh before he let go of the collar that immediately flipped back in place.

"I'll turn around so you can concentrate", he moved while Tanaka waited for the whistle so he could serve. One of Oikawa's famous _Tsk_ reached his ears, causing his grin to become even wider. He could feel his prickling gaze on his neck, buzzing against the sweaty skin. Although he wanted nothing more than to continue their banter, he had to focus on their game.

It was astonishing what Oikawa could achieve if he really wanted to. How everybody seemed to listen to him, even their coaches. Suga had been surprised when Ukai-san had announced they would drive to Aoba Johsai once more for a training match because Oikawa hadn't sent him any warning. While the reactions in Karasuno had been mixed, the main consensus had been even though they had been crushed by Seijoh before, they could only improve by playing against them. As soon as they had reached Aoba Johsai's school grounds, Oikawa had been in his face with his smug grin, telling him it was all to his influence their coaches had accepted. Suga had let him believe that even though it probably had been Oikawa being whiny all day so finally their coaches would cave in. Either way, he wouldn't complain. He got to see him during a school day. And they got to play against each other. A first, kind of. At least with Suga on the court.

And oh boy, Oikawa was not making it easy.

"How's your mind today, Suga-chan?", an innocent breath in his neck.

"Clear as glass", he answered briskly, trying to ignore how his closeness made him light-headed.

During their brief greeting, Oikawa had slipped a plastic bag full of _mindshards_ into Suga's pocket. He hadn't tried any since he had used the last one against Nekoma - after that defeat against Kageyama even with the drugs, Suga had felt it was hopeless. And when he had turned to Oikawa for help, his plan to become better at volleyball had somehow shifted into dating him and volleyball had been a sore subject. But after their last meeting, it had changed.

He remembered how he had called him out in Takeda-sensei's van, how he had told Oikawa he knew he didn't want Suga to be better than him but ever since Suga had told him he wanted him despite their volleyball rivalry, Oikawa had changed. In the way that he would actually give him advice and well, those cognitive enhancers, as he called them. So Suga had taken one before their match without second-guessing. Because they weren't dangerous - because he wanted to show Oikawa, Kageyama and everyone else he was worth being on the court and a practice match was the only chance he got to play a set.

His mind was sharp, his body calm. As calm as possible with Oikawa around. His eyes took in all the details he would otherwise miss and it helped tremendously he was more familiar with the rest of Aoba Johsai than Kageyama, too. Because he now knew them out of the game, knew what they were like - they weren't faceless rivals led by a Great King, they were teenage boys with weaknesses and fears just like him. Nothing to be afraid of. Suga found himself getting more confident with his serves, aiming for the ones that were insecure and for the spots hard to get, found himself tossing to Tanaka and Asahi at a faster pace, adapting to the speed Kageyama had put forward. He even managed to give Hinata sets he could actually hit - though those were still wonky.

Yes, those drugs didn't give him supernatural abilities, yet Suga was determined to push his body to its limits. Which was why he was wheezing during their timeout - 20 : 18 for Seijoh - and held his hurting side. His lungs felt too tight to hold the air and sweat was streaming down his face. His body struggled to keep up with his sharp mind. He wiped the sweat away with a towel and kept his face buried in the white fabric while Ukai-san talked to them. Muscles aching. Breathing almost impossible. Suga eyed Aoba Johsai, his gaze lingering on Oikawa ever so often.

He didn't look exhausted at all. He had a smile on his face while he was talking to his teammates, probably discussing their next strategy. There were drops of sweat trailing down his neck but other than that? He wasn't fighting. He was playing, all relaxed. Not serious like during a tournament.

_I want to be like him._

It was the first time ever the thought crossed his mind. Even in the beginning of their meetings, when Oikawa had asked him how he wanted to be, he hadn't said it. Suga averted his eyes, now watching Karasuno around him. Watched how Asahi und Noya sat on the bench, talking. Noya wasn't out of breath, either. And Asahi, sweating but his muscles flexed when he raised his water bottle to drink and Suga bit his lip. Asahi had spent a lot of time training with Noya over the past weeks and you could definitely see that.

A sharp mind, indeed. What was the use of it if his body was falling behind?

_More, I need to do more._

He hadn't even caught his breath, then Ukai-san ended the time-out and they were back on the court. Suga was back on the net, Oikawa in front of him. He angled his chin down to look at him and a provocative smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. Suga wasn't in the mood for banter anymore. He turned away.

His lungs were burning when they finally finished the match. Which they lost. But Suga hadn't expected to win anyway, he was literally at his limits when he stumbled towards the bench after stretching. At least the other ones were exhausted, too, however, most of them had been playing all three matches and not only one. It was almost humiliating how out of shape he was compared to Hinata.

"Alright, time to clean up, boys!", Ukai-san yelled and Suga swallowed back a groan. Noya was at his side and pulled him back on his feet, before darting off to the equipment room with a few of Seijoh's players to get a mop. Suga remained where he stood and tried to calm his heartbeat.

"I could get used to playing you each day, Suga-chan~", Oikawa said and a water bottle appeared right under his nose. Suga grabbed it thankfully and drank as if he was close to dying of thirst, all too aware of Oikawa's pompous grimace next to him. "You're sexy when you're all out of breath."

Suga made a repulsed noise at the back of his throat.

He felt a lot of things right now, mostly the urge to crawl under a rock and sleep until his muscles didn't ache anymore, but _sexy_ was definitely not on the list: "I wanna... _die_ ", he wheezed.

Oikawa chuckled and leaned forward to place a kiss on his neck. Suga dodged out of the way and almost stumbled over his own, tired feet.

"Go away, I'm disgusting right now", he whined. "I can even smell myself."

"Aww, you remind me of me with all that whining", Oikawa said with an almost nostalgic grin on his face. His remark caused Suga to switch into a more serious expression. He swallowed down another grumbling comment. Oikawa was right. He was turning into an annoying king. Or rather, a prince at best.

"Hell, no. Nobody is as insufferable as you."

"Your compliments always warm my heart, Suga-chan", Oikawa sighed dramatically.

"Seriously, though...I wish my body wouldn't be a useless piece of shit."

"There is a medicine for that, you know?", Oikawa winked.

"Really?", Suga gasped.

"Yeah. It's called working out more."

"Oh."

"Oh, what?"

"I somehow thought you were talking about another drug."

"Suga-chan, if it would be that easy, we wouldn't work our asses off all day long."

"True", he heaved another deep sigh, his pulse finally calming down. He watched how the others started to collect the balls and remove the net, some of them stopping for a chat. Iwaizumi and Daichi were caught up in a conversation and he noticed a smile on Daichi's lips, which made him feel all fuzzy inside. It meant a lot that his best friend tried to get along with Aoba Johsai - and although he hadn't talked to Oikawa yet, at least he was talking to Iwaizumi. Maybe this all could work out in the end.

Ukai-san was in a conversation with Aoba Johsai's coach and Suga turned his head to listen in curiously, Oikawa standing in front of him blocking his nosy stares.

"...Nekomata-sensei offered us to join because we've played them a few times already. The boys get along well and we could need more strong teams to practice against."

"I've been looking forward to organizing a training camp with Shiratorizawa, though Washijo-sensei has claimed they will only be playing college teams for the summer."

"If you want I could give you Nekomata-sensei's contact to get in touch."

"Training camp?!", Suga and Oikawa echoed, both forgetting they had tried to listen in stealthily. Ukai-san and Aoba Johsai's coach, Mizoguchi-san, immediately stopped talking and looked at them with arched eyebrows.

"Sorry!", they yelled in unison and Suga snagged Oikawa's jersey to drag him away.

"Did you hear that?"

"I did!"

"Training camp!"

"Together!"

"You and me!"

"Me and you!"

Laughter shook their shoulders as they grabbed for their hands, lacing their fingers and pressing sweaty palms against each other. Suga got on his tiptoes to kiss Oikawa in the same second the taller one bent down and they crashed together, nose-first. The laughter changed into an excited giggle. If this worked out they would train together. They would stay at the same place, overnight! They would be around each other all day! There was a brilliant smile plastered on his face and Suga forgot how exhausted he was for a second and put his hands around Oikawa's cheeks, pulling him down, a short kiss brushing against his mouth.

"Let's do it", he whispered.

Oikawa's eyes got wide, then they had an audacious sparkle to them: "In the gym? Bathroom or showers?"

"What?", Suga blinked.

"You said you wanna do it!"

"I, what- _Oikawa!_ I was talking about working our asses off. For _volleyball!_ "

"How should I know?!"

"We literally talked about it a minute ago!"

"S-Sorry", Oikawa rubbed his neck. "I got carried away by your excitement."

Heat crept up his neck, not caused by all the exercise but by the way Oikawa said those last words. His seemingly excited tone switching into the rougher shade, the one that always made him lose his senses. Suga cleared his throat and brushed a drenched hair strand out of his face, suddenly not sure what to do with his hands. Since their conversation in Oikawa's bed, they hadn't switched back to their naughty texting each night. Somehow it felt off to send flirty banter with no strings attached because now there were some. Suga wasn't sure how to describe it. But he kind of wanted all these firsts to happen in real life and not over text. Inwardly, he sighed. He wasn't even sure if he was making sense right now.

"But yeah, let's do it", Oikawa pulled him out of his conflicting thoughts. "Together, if you want."

"Would you help me? I saw the workout plan in your room and-"

"Yeah. I'll help you, Suga-chan", Oikawa smiled and for a moment he seemed genuine before the teasing smirk was back. "But you will totally vomit if you train with my workout plan."

In the upcoming days, Oikawa would keep his promise. While the adults were busy with organizing a training camp for summer, they focused on improving on their own apart from the regular training schedule. Despite it being against the rules, Suga sneaked into the gym of Aoba Johsai to practice with Iwaizumi and Oikawa in the evening because afterwards, they would just be able to go home to Oikawa, whose mother still was in Peking. And while it was exciting to spend all day and especially nights with him, Suga wasn't able to focus on much more than exhausted cuddling after all the efforts of the day.

It was surreal, it was what he had wished for. Waking up next to him, Oikawa's arms most of the times wrapped around his waist, his face buried on his chest, sleeping peacefully. It had been a utopia he had painted in his mind a few weeks ago but now it had become reality and Suga had never felt so happy in his life before. He had begged for Oikawa to be real with him for so long and now Seijoh's captain was ready to give it to him - he let Suga be present when he started his day and he found out Oikawa sang under the shower and despised coffee, he found out about his morning workout routine and was forced to participate, found out Oikawa always listened to music 24/7 when he was alone to drown out the silence of the apartment and had a weird science magazine subscription but no time to read all the material so they were setting dust under his desk.

The last weekend before training camp they sat on the barstools in the kitchen and were eating creamed rice with fresh peach and lychee. Oikawa was writing down a sequence of exercises he wanted to work into the schedule from camp without having a clue what camp would actually be like but he circled the kanji with colourful markers and seemed to have a blast while explaining it to him. Suga found himself having trouble to follow, sucking the last bits of rice from his spoon.

It was a hot summer evening but the apartment was always pleasantly temperate. Plus, he had just taken a long shower, his hair still slightly wet and cooling his neck. Still, his mind felt wobbly as if he hadn't drunk enough water and his throat was raw. Suga cupped his chin with his palm and put down the spoon, missing his plate. It clattered onto the floor with a loud, shrill ringing noise and he clenched his teeth.

"Urgh", he groaned, rubbing his temples.

"Suga-chan?", Oikawa picked the spoon back up and leaned into his field of view. Suga noticed a grain of rice on the corner of his mouth. He raised his hand to wipe it off and found himself waving a few inches away from Oikawa's face. Seijoh's captain grabbed his wrist out of the air, two fingers pressing on his pulse. "Are you alright? You wanna lie down?"

"I'm fine", Suga said but he felt dizzy. Dark dots appeared in Oikawa's face, then purple ones, then his voice echoed inside his ears and Suga slid down the stool. Before his head could hit the floor, Oikawa's arms were there to catch him. For a brief moment, supported by the strong grip of his arms, he was able to stand. Suga raised his chin in an attempt to seem fierce but the motion caused the world to spin. Pale fingers dug in Oikawa's shirt, then his knees simply gave up.

There was a wet towel in the back of his neck and another one brushing over his forehead, along his temple and his cheeks before coming down on top again. A restless prickle skittered from his spine through his fingertips, which suddenly started to twitch. Suga's eyes fluttered open and he needed a few seconds to adjust to the light in the room before he could make out Oikawa above him.

He was taken aback at first because he had never seen this Oikawa. He knew the pompous, feisty teenage boy, teasing him whenever he got the chance, he knew the breaking, honest Oikawa, sobbing in his arms and he knew the vulnerable one that laid bare all his lust and need for him and his touch. But he didn't know Oikawa's mouth could frown this way, the lower lip trembling, a deep furrow between his brows, every colour from his lively face gone.

"Suga-chan, are you okay?", there was a tremor in his voice. And slowly Suga comprehended what it was. Fright. The realization caused him to bolt upright, his body protesting immediately by making the room spin around him once more. A broad palm pushed him back into the sheets, gently. Suga noticed his feet lay on a bunch of pillows, bringing them up into the air and the comfortable mattress of Oikawa's bed in his back.

"The shower must have been too hot."

Oikawa didn't seem convinced but he disappeared with the towel to make it wet regardless. Suga used the few seconds of privateness to raise his twitching fingers. Even with his aching head, he was able to make out the shaking. He formed a fist, nails digging deep into his palm in the hope it would stop. When Oikawa rushed back into his room, Suga placed his head back into the pillow. He felt incredibly exhausted as if he hadn't slept for days. His lips curved into a weak smile when Oikawa put the wet towel back on his head.

"That feels nice", he mumbled and closed his eyes. There was a ruffling of sheets and then Oikawa lay down next to him, his hand grabbing his nervous fingers and holding them in place. The shaking subsided under his grip and Suga pressed against his hand. Oikawa brushed the towel out of the way so his warm lips could kiss his temple. A soft sigh escaped his mouth, hovering in the air before another one followed once Oikawa's mouth had reached his jawline. "That feels even nicer."

"Suga-chan", Oikawa's voice was still this unknown tremor he didn't want to get used to. "Have you taken any _mindshards_ this week?"

There was a sudden urge to lie. Suga didn't know where it came from but it was there, a hot and awful lie cowering at the back of his throat, eager to jump to the surface. Instead, he swallowed hard. His pulse was ramping up, his tired mind connecting the dots.

"Yes", he finally admitted.

"Maybe you should tone it down a bit."

"I needed them to keep up with Iwaizumi and you after the training at Karasuno. I always get tired after the bus ride to Sendai and when I'm not on top of my game, extra training has no use at all", while he could swallow the lie, he couldn't swallow the justification, it tumbled out of his mouth, his tone unusually sharp as if Oikawa had attacked him personally. But then he realized what he was saying and bit his lip. His body shifted on the sheets, turning to face him. Their noses brushed against each other and again he looked into Oikawa's worried eyes - now he was convinced he didn't like the look of them at all. He wanted the teasing back. The flirtatious sparks.

Suga dragged him by the shirt and kissed him, a bit firmer than usual. Teeth grinding into his lower lip until Oikawa gasped, his hands instinctively sweeping into Suga's wet hair, the towels somewhere buried between the blankets. The kiss made him dizzy but he forced himself to continue, a clumsy tongue pushing between Oikawa's lips. A rough moan fluttered against his mouth, then Oikawa pulled away. Suga searched for the sparks in his dark eyes - they weren't there.

"Sleep a bit. No early-morning exercise tomorrow. I'm gonna make you breakfast instead."

It was supposed to be cute and naturally made Suga grin, though there was a terrible, cold feeling of guilt in his chest. He pulled the blanket up to his nose, watching how Oikawa left the room with a last glance towards him. The familiar wink, the teasing smirk, half-heartedly but it was there and it was enough. Just this once. 

Suga smiled back, his fingers twitching restlessly underneath the sheets.


End file.
